Date: 28th May 2024.
Weather: Cold day.
It's been about two weeks since I started dating Kenji, long, fun weeks but also dark ones…
Are humans truly the most intelligent creatures, yet so despicable? I imagine a life where all humans roam freely, with no regulations or rules, just peace. A world without sadness, regret, and suffering. I once read that those who think like this are an abomination to human existence. But from my perspective, perhaps everyone has reached a point where sadness, regret, and suffering become their core motivations. Is this true for me, Ayane Hinata? Have I placed these values at the core of my motivation? A world of fantasy awaits, and soon I shall enter it. But until then, I shall enjoy this world.
I spent most of my morning hours cleaning, and time flew by. It was already three o'clock, and I decided to study for a bit, but…
Buzz! Buzz!
"Who could it be?" I asked myself as I walked to the table to pick up the phone. Oh, it's Suzuki-san.
"Hello, Suzuki-san."
"Hey, I better get straight to the point."
"Ok." Why does she sound so serious?
"I was just wondering if you are free now. Could we meet at the park near the school?"
The park? Does she have something important to tell me?
"Sure, I'll be there in 20 minutes."
"Ok, meet you there." And with that, she hung up.
I wonder what happened all of a sudden. After 15 minutes, I headed out. I didn't wear anything fancy; it's just a small talk, and we'll only be alone at the park, I suppose.
After looking around, I spotted Suzuki-san. She's cute as always. But why is there awkwardness between her and Chihiro-kun? Did something happen?
"Hey guys," I greeted them, more as a proclamation that I had arrived. But more importantly, why is there tension between these two?
"Hey, Hinachan."
"What's up, Ayane-san?" Chihiro-kun greeted me with some form of disappointment. He then turned and looked at Suzuki-san. "You didn't tell me Ayane-san was coming?"
"Oh, guess I forgot."
"Ah." Perfectly in unison, Chihiro-kun and I let out a soft exclamation of dissatisfaction.
"Ah, hello."
From behind me, I heard a boyish voice, a pleasant voice I had always craved to hear every night. But recently, that's the one voice I had forcefully tried to ignore.
"You're late, Kenji-kun."
That's right, it's Kenkun's voice. My ex-boyfriend's voice. The boy whose presence makes my heart beat so hard. The boy whom my mind can't easily forget. The boy who has left me heartbroken in the past and present. And yet, why…
"Hey, what's up, Hinachan? You zoned out." Suzuki-san, who had stepped so close to me, was waving her hand in front of my face to bring my attention.
"Ah, it's nothing. I was just thinking of something." I looked at Kenkun, who had averted his gaze away from me. I guess that's for the better between us two. But why are we even gathered here?
"I know you're all wondering why I called you all here."
Damn right I am.
"I just wanted to enjoy my time with you guys."
She faced the sun, her head tilted to face us, wearing a smile to hide the truth. A smile I had worn my entire life. And yet, what does she mean by 'enjoy my time'? We always spend lots of time together.
"This reminds me of back in middle school how we used to visit the park after school, Inoue-san," said Chihiro-kun as he looked at Suzuki-san with a smile, and likewise, Suzuki nodded in agreement and smiled back at him.
"What do you mean by back in middle school?" Kenji asked, with a surprise look on his face. Yeah, that's right. What does he mean by that? I never knew they went to the same school back in middle school, and judging by Kenji's surprised face, he probably didn't know either. Wait, Suzuki has always said she has a cru… huh, it can't be, no way.
"We never told you guys. I thought I mentioned it. I went to the same school as Chihiro-kun, but most importantly, we were in the same class," Suzuki answered. She looked at Chihiro-kun for assurance, and he nodded.
I didn't want to speak because Kenji was here. I really didn't want to associate with him that much, and apparently, he didn't press any further.
We spent the evening fooling around, without any meaningful conversation. As dusk started to fall, I had studies to do, so I parted ways with the rest of the group.
After about 10 minutes of walking, I could see my apartment complex a few meters ahead. I heard someone walking behind me, but I didn't pay much attention. It might just be a pedestrian.
After taking a few steps, someone grabbed my hand and pulled me closer, giving me an unexpected hug. I didn't know who it was. I wanted to pull myself away, but my body didn't move at all. It was like I was glued to him. I felt so light. I had a feeling I had experienced this body warmth and feeling somewhere before, but where exactly?
Oh, that's right. This smell, so sweet, just like… it can't possibly be. I hurriedly pulled myself away. Standing in front of me was a boy I supposedly hate, and yet, I still loved him. A boy who was my best friend's boyfriend.
"What was that for, Tachibana-kun?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." He bowed his head down to apologize.
"Never embrace me like that. You have a girlfriend, don't you?"
He looked at me disappointedly. He started to open his lips to speak but stopped, looked down, then looked up again and smiled.
"I guess I better get going. I'm sorry, and I'll never repeat the same mistake again."
With that, he walked away. I really wanted him to hold me for so long, but I'm not that indecent to betray my best friend just because of some silly emotions.
After arriving home, I was so tired I ended up collapsing on the bed. These past two weeks, I had tried my best to avoid Kenkun, and now why does he act like this? It's just like back in middle school…
In my first year of middle school, I had received dozens of confessions, but I hadn't accepted any of them. I started to become self-conscious.
Entering the second year, I let out my bangs to cover myself whenever I talked to a boy alone. I ended up shaking. That was until he…
"Sorry, are you ok?" I had bumped into a boy on the stairs. I never knew his name, but I remembered him from class. He always sat alone with no friends.
"My bad. Ah, I better get going." I knew I couldn't stand talking to boys alone, so I ran away from him.
The next day, I met him at the school gate. He just looked at me and nodded, then walked away without saying anything. For some reason, I felt defeated. It made me feel uneasy.
I was on cleaning duty with one other member who hadn't shown up. I started by cleaning the blackboard, and just then, the classroom door opened. To my surprise, it was the boy from yesterday. For a moment, neither of us moved a muscle. We just stared at each other.
Is he going to make a move on me? Why is he even here?
"What are you doing here?" I immediately asked out of curiosity.
His face turned sour, and he had that look that said, "Is it not obvious?"
"I'm on cleaning duty. Do you have a problem with that?"
That's right. I was assigned together with a boy. So, his name is Tachibana Kenji.
After we were done cleaning, far from my expectations, he started to walk away.
"Um…" I couldn't get the words right.
He tilted his head to look at me.
"Is there something you want to ask?"
What was I even supposed to say?
"No, it's nothing. Never mind."
I panicked and ran out of the classroom. Why am I such a moron? I finally was able to spend a bit of time with someone of the opposite sex who didn't have any interest in me.
After that situation, I started to take notice of Tachibana more often. During classes, I could sneak a glance at him. He was so cool. I recently learned he was in position 2 in last year's finals, but by observing, he didn't pay close attention to teaching. He was just reading novels during class and his free time. One thing I also noticed: he was very handsome.
After school, I decided to spend some time at the park. As I arrived, I found someone, a boy who wore the uniform of the school I attended. I actually knew him. As I approached him, I didn't feel scared. He didn't even notice me.
"Um, Tachibana-kun?" I called out to him. He slowly turned his head and looked at me. My heart was pounding so fast. I had never felt this way, but he just stared at me as if he never knew me. Then…
"Mmmh, do I know you?"
"Huh." I was so shocked I couldn't hide it. What does he mean?
"You see, I'm very bad at remembering people who I don't talk with often. So forgive me if I'm rude."
"Don't worry. I'm at fault here. I'm Ayane Hinata. Nice to meet you again."
"I remember you now, Ayane-san. We were on cleaning duty together last week, right?"
So, he actually remembered me. We ended up talking about school stuff. Every time he talked, I couldn't help but sneak a glance at his profile.
(He's really handsome.)
I could only tell myself that. We ended up going our separate ways. From that few words, I ended up learning a few things about him. For starters, he was an introvert. He was a bookworm. He was super cool. And finally, I was in love with him.
After that, we often met at the park and sometimes at the school. We talked about lots of things. Every time I talked to him, I felt at ease, and my love grew every day. Then one day at the park, when we were about to part ways, he said…
"I think I'm in love with you, Ayane-san."
I was so surprised and happy at the same time. I couldn't even speak, but he seemed like he didn't want an answer, or rather, he was not expecting an answer. He started to walk away.
Why is he even walking away? I didn't understand. I knew the answer to give him, but he didn't ask the question. I couldn't allow him to walk away. I ran towards him and hugged him from behind. I was so nervous. My heart was pounding so fast. I had never touched a boy like this, and still, I couldn't let him leave, not yet…
"Ayane-san?" I knew he was also surprised by this sudden action. I was too. He was a bit taller than me.
"I think there is something you forgot to ask, Tachibana-kun?" Yes, I needed him to ask me so I could give him a correct and honest answer.
"Ayane-san, I love you. Would you like to go out with me as my girlfriend?"
He finally asked, but he was too formal. I ended up giggling. Then I let go of him. He then turned and looked at me. Yes, it was time to give him an answer.
"Yes, Tachibana-kun, I would happily want to be your girlfriend."
After that, he ended up walking me home. After we were about to part, I felt if I let him go, he may not come back to me. Why am I always so anxious?
I reached out my hand to him and held his sleeve. He then stopped and looked at me, surprised.
"Ayane-san, is there something wrong?"
I needed to assure him I will also be there for him and to make him happy. Yes, this is my promise to myself for this relationship.
I raised my chin and closed my eyes. I was so embarrassed. Damn it. Then I felt something soft and warm touching my lips. So, this is what kissing feels like. He then pulled away his lips and slowly opened my eyes. I took a step back.
"That was my first kiss. You better remember it."
I couldn't believe those words, and I ran into my house. Shit, now he thinks I'm all cocky. But still, I can't believe I was so bold to kiss him just a few minutes after making it official with him.
I really didn't know anything about dating and what to do, but still, there was something I already knew: the boy I'm really in love with is my boyfriend, and he's also in love with me.
The thought about it gave me goosebumps, and so my dating life finally begins.
Tachibana Kenji:
What's the meaning of loving someone or being loved? I really need to understand it. Have I been in love, or am I just thinking I am? Am I even allowed to love her when all this time I've made her cry? I'm really pathetic. I don't deserve her.
"Hey, Kenji, will you help your cute and only little sister with her assignment?"
"You may be my only sister, but I can't allow you to slack off with your studies."
I headed back to my room, leaving my sister frowning in the living room. We were on a short break, so I didn't really bother about standing.
I can't believe I hugged Hinachan. It's been two days since that incident. I need to apologize to her. I took my jacket and headed out.
"I hope she's home," I murmured to myself as I reached to press the doorbell. Just before I could press it, the door flew open. Standing there was Hinata. She looked surprised. Oh right, why wouldn't she, but still…
"Ayane-san, were you crying? Is there something wrong?" I knew I had no right to ask, but still, I was worried.
"Tachibana-kun, why are you here?"
"I had something to tell you, Ayane-san, so… can I have your time?"
Her gaze turned from a surprised one to a fierce one.
"Are you here to take advantage of me or what?"
"Who do you think I am?"
"Oh, right, you never did. Come in."
What does she mean by 'you never did'? This girl.
She then invited me in. Her house had a single three-seater sofa in the living room and a table that could seat two. Her kitchen was clean, but every utensil…
"Don't look around, you perv."
Whose a pervert, this girl?
"Ayane-san, can I ask you something?"
"What?"
"Do you stay alone, Ayane-san?"
That's right. There is only one set of utensils from spoon to cooking dishes.
"So what if I stay alone? It's not like you care or anything."
You're wrong, Ayane. I do care. It's just that I don't want to pry any further into your family life. I'm not that sort of person, Hinachan.
"Yeah, you're right. I can't do anything." But…
"Anyways, what did you want, Tachibana-kun?"
"I just came to apologize for the other day. I shouldn't have hugged you. I'm really, really sorry."
As I bowed my head in formal apology.
"Don't be. Even I could have done that if we were alone."
"Huh."
What does she mean by 'if we were alone'? So now when we are alone, is she going to…
"Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not going to do anything. Unlike you, I have self-restraint. I don't act on emotions. I respect your relationship with Suzuki-san, so I'm not going to snitch on you."
Oh, that's right. She doesn't know I'm not really dating Suzuki-san. What am I, 12 or what?
"If that's all, I'm very busy, so can you leave?" said Ayane as she turned away from me. That's right. She's basically feeling uneasy when we are alone.
"Then see you when school reopens on Monday."
I opened the door, and when I was about to go, I remembered something. Something you never want to see on the person you love.
"Hey, Ayane, about earlier, if you want to talk about it, you can always talk to me as a friend."
With that, I walked away. I never saw the expression she showed when I said those things. I really don't know anything about her, just like in middle school.
When I used to date Ayane Hinata, one could say I had a girlfriend. A girlfriend and yet a faraway girlfriend. Someone I loved, and yet I didn't know a thing about her until this day. I still don't know a thing about her.
"Good morning, Tachibana-kun."
"Good morning, Ayane-san," we exchanged smiles as we walked together.
"This is the first weekend since we started dating," said Ayane. That's true. It's been one week since we officially started dating, and it's also our first date.
She was so happy, yet every time I looked at her, she had a sad expression. What could she be sad about? I guess it's for the best if I don't ask. I used to tell myself those things, and surely when I think about it now, it's the same expression she had earlier, and yet I didn't know. Am I still the same coward like back in middle school?
I still remember during school; we didn't actually spend most of the time together because we had decided to keep our relationship a secret. When I observed her, she looked lonely, and when we were alone, she was like a butterfly flying so beautifully. She colored my grey world, and yet I never colored hers.
She viewed me as a pillar of support, and yet I destroyed her entire life, and I'm still running away. No, I just can't. I need to go back. I need to show her I'm still capable of becoming her pillar of support.
As I rang her doorbell multiple times, I could hear her complaining from inside. I guess she looks cute when she's angry.
The door flew open, and when she noticed me, her eyes were so pleased to see me, and yet…
"What's wrong with you, Tachibana-kun?"
I can't run any longer. I gently stepped near her, grabbed her waist, pulled her closer, and leaned to give her a kiss. When our lips touched, she actually didn't push me away but opened her lips to allow me in. When I pulled away after exchanging our saliva, I looked at her. Her face was flushed red, and then all of a sudden, she turned blank and looked straight into my eyes.
"What's wrong with you, dummy? You have a girlfriend. Why are you making it hard for me, Tachibana-kun? Never mind. Just go home already."
She shut the door. I didn't bother to knock again. I already proclaimed my love for her and my support, and I think she has accepted it. But it's only one simple step to make it official. Suzuki, our game is over.