Date: May 30th, 2024
Weather: Rainy
It's a school day, and I'm feeling a bit sick, but I need to work hard to avoid any suspicions from my friends and everybody else. More importantly, from him.
As I entered the class, I arrived a bit early, and most of the seats were empty. I couldn't see Ayane-san or Chihiro-kun.
"Morning, Kenji-kun," a familiar voice greeted me.
"Good morning, Suzuki-san," I replied.
As I answered, I remembered the event that occurred the other day between me and Ayane-san. I had sworn to speak with Suzuki-san, but how am I even supposed to bring that topic up? It's just a drag.
Suzuki-san proceeded to her seat, which left me surprised. She's always clinging to me every morning. What's gotten into her?
After some minutes lost in deep thought, Ayane-san arrived. I particularly didn't notice her until she greeted me.
"Good morning, Tachibana-kun," she said.
"Good morning, Ayane-san," I replied.
We ended up staring at each other awkwardly. What are we supposed to say to each other, after what happened the other day? I ended up kissing her, even though we are not even dating.
"Don't get the wrong idea, Tachibana-kun. What happened the other day was all a mistake. I never imagined it would ever happen again. Get that, Tachibana-kun?" Ayane-san said with her voice in a low tone.
Wait, am I just supposed to forget all about my feelings and move on? I guess it might be for the best. Am I not worth all this? Damn it all, why is this frustrating me so much? I can't take it anymore.
"Ayane-san, can I ask you for a favor?" I finally managed to speak up.
She tilted her head and looked at me with an expression that said 'am fed up with this guy'. But I couldn't back down. Am I just some kind of a wimp?
"What do you want, Tachibana-kun?" she asked.
Oh, she finally spoke.
"Ayane-san, after school, let's go on a date," I blurted out.
Her face immediately flushed. She didn't seem to have expected that from me. But I needed to clarify something first.
**Suzuki-san**
I assumed most of my friends. I really didn't want them to worry about me... Why am I such a dumbass sometimes?
"Inoue-san," I heard Chihiro's voice.
Huh, Chihiro? What's he doing here? Of all the people, why does it have to be him?
"Chi-chan!" I blurted out without thinking.
"What do you mean, Chi-chan?" Chihiro asked.
Chi-chan? What the hell did I even say? He always makes me nervous when we are alone.
"Huh, I guess you don't want to talk to me. Haha, I guess I better go," Chihiro said, sounding a bit sad.
"No, huh, it's nothing," I quickly replied.
"Okay, I better go. See you tomorrow," Chihiro said as he started to walk away.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I be true to myself? Am I just a dumbass? But I want to be myself. I want to enjoy life like everyone else. I want to have a boyfriend who cuddles with me every time I'm low, who goes on dates with me every weekend, who visits me every time I'm sick, who kisses me and takes our relationship to the next level. I also want to get married, have a job, and kids to call my own. But I can't with this damn sickness. Why is the world so unfair to me? I didn't even deserve this.
Why am I even feeling this way? I was so prepared to die, and yet, why do these emotions flow through me? Have I always lived a life thinking everything will be alright? Is this a fairytale? Am I just a wimp? That's the reality.
I DON'T WANT TO DIE YET.
I want to enjoy life more, more, and even more…. And yet it's just my thoughts. I can't face reality. I'm an abomination to this world, a waste of this life. Someone who can never bring any happiness, and yet, and yet…
"CHIHIRO-KUN!" I ended up shouting at the very top of my voice.
He turned to look at me, his eyes a bit watery. Was he about to cry? I see he's still a cry baby. But I still want him to stay beside me till the last day. Yes, I especially want him by my side.
"Don't leave me alone. I don't want you to disappear from my world so soon, Chihiro-kun." As I said those words, I was full of emotions, tears spilling from my eyes. He then walked in front of me and reached out his hands, pulling me closer to embrace me.
"Dumbass, I could never leave you alone, Inoue-san."
Those words made my heart tingle. I'm so lucky to have someone like him close to me. He still smells nice, just like always.
**Ayane Hinata**
"Um, so what are we doing here?"
That's right, what the hell am I even doing here, especially with him? If I properly recall, he asked me earlier if I was willing to come with him after school. I thought I was going to his house. Huh, wait, what was I expecting to do at his house? Ah, just focus, Hinata, you need to keep your cool just like he always does.
But why are we even at the shrine?
"They say going to the shrine twice a week is very important, so I just wanted to come here with someone. Do you feel like not walking with me?" Tachibana-kun asked, his expression blank. Sometimes I can't read this guy. But...
"You could have asked Suzuki-san. She's your girlfriend after all," I said, trying to sound nonchalant, but I think I sounded like a jealous girlfriend. Or am I?
"Oh, that's right. I guess you're right. I guess I'll have to ask her next time. But now…" he looked straight into my eyes and smiled, a very pure smile, a lady-killer smile. "…let me ask you to accompany me, just view this as a sign of me asking for forgiveness, Ayane-san. Will you come with me?"
Why does he sound so cool? But still, what does he mean by 'asking for forgiveness'? I never thought Tachibana-kun was some kind of religious guy.
"Whatever, just let's make it quick. I need to get back home," I replied, trying to hide my true feelings. I didn't want to betray my best friend, but I can't turn him down. Just as Suzuki-san is important to me, he is important to me too.
He nodded, and we proceeded to the altar. As we tossed the coin and brought our hands together to pray, I really didn't have something to pray about. So, I just prayed for 'no more sad tears in the future'. When I opened my eyes, Tachibana was still praying.
What's he praying for? He's taking long. I couldn't help but take a look at his profile. He sure is quite handsome.
Just then, when I was admiring him, he opened his eyes and caught me red-handed.
"Let's go, it's creepy staring at me when I'm praying," he said, smiling.
I really didn't have any words to tell him. I was super embarrassed. Now he thinks I'm a pervert. Oh, swallow me, Earth.
We proceeded, and as we reached the exit of the shrine gate, Tachibana stopped and looked back. Did he see something?
"Tachibana-kun?" I called out to him, curious.
"Come to think of it, we really never came to the shrine that day. I'm just glad we ended up coming here together," he said out of nowhere.
"Eh," I couldn't help but showcase my surprised tone.
Shrine, that's right. We broke up on Christmas Eve. We were supposed to come to the shrine that day, but that happened. So, that's why he brought me here, and that's why he said it was a form of asking for forgiveness. Why can't he just forget about the past? Why can't he let me forget it too? I can't allow these feelings to max out. It's fine the way they are. I can't betray Suzuki-san. I just can't.
"Don't look at me, dummy," I turned away to avoid his gaze.
I really can't live like this. How can I be Suzuki's best friend if I develop feelings for his boyfriend? I know it's my fault we broke up, and that's why I can't date him. We can't let emotions control us. Just like he told me that day, I never had feelings for him. It was just the suspension bridge effect. I can never be someone who I can't truly love, more importantly, someone like you,
Tachibana-kun. But if these feelings are not romantic, what are they even? What are they? I don't know.
"Ayane-san."
before I knew it, I started to run away from him. He continued shouting my name while chasing me, but I didn't want him to come closer. Please stay away. But I couldn't say it out loud. My heart was aching. I just wanted to die already.
At that moment, I felt something grabbing my hands from the back. It was Tachibana. I guess I can't outrun boys. He reached out and embraced my delicate body. He was so warm and sweaty, but he smelled nice, though.
"Please don't run away any longer, don't run away from me, Hinachan," he spoke with a tearful voice. He then parted away from me. As I looked around, I ended up running to an alley. I really didn't notice we came all the way here.
"Hinachan, I can't hide any longer. I can't run away from my feelings, and I don't want you to run away from your feelings either. So, will you listen to what I'm about to say, Hinachan?" he said as he reached out to hold my hands. His hands were soft and smooth, far from a boy's hand.
I had stopped crying. He then took a long sigh and looked at me again. I had not completely regained composure, so I particularly didn't know what he was going to say. So, I simply nodded to him, and he then smiled.
We remained silent for a while, while he was holding both my hands and standing right in front of me. Finally, he spoke up, breaking the long silence.
"Hinachan, I can't deny, back in middle school, I was such a loser boyfriend. But I can truly admit that I was deeply in love with you. I developed a sense of possessiveness for you. I really didn't want others to know you that well. I ended up breaking up with you on Christmas Eve, thinking you didn't actually love me. After that, I fell into a depression state. If it weren't for my sister, I really don't know what I could have done to myself. After a long time, we ended up meeting again. At first, I told myself I hate this girl, but that was just a saying. I knew deep down I never really hated you," he stopped for some time and looked up at the sky. He then turned his eyes again and looked straight at me and continued, "I guess you could say it was a way for me to hide my feelings from reality, Hinachan. I truly still love you. I like you so much. Please be my girlfriend?" After that, he continued looking at me, waiting for an answer.
"Wh-hu," I ended up stammering, as I wasn't expecting him to say those things at this situation.
So, he really loved me. I'm feeling so happy. I guess I'm feeling so much relief. So, did I really love him? Do I love him? These are the things I need to ask myself. What am I supposed to say? What answer am I supposed to give him? I don't really need to figure out an answer or my feelings. I already know my feelings. I'm always happy and safe around him. I can't get myself to get away from him. I need to face reality just as he has done, just like back then.
So now I need to give an answer, right? I'm all tensed up, dammit. Oh Suzuki, what am I supposed to say to him? I'm truly sorry, but…
"Sorry, Tachibana-kun, but I don't feel the same way as you do. I'm really sorry, but no, I can't be your girlfriend." That's right, I don't think I truly love him. So, that's why I can't be his girlfriend.
With those words, my hands dropped to their normal position. He had let go of my hands. His eyes were full of tears but still managed to hold them in. His face became pale. I really didn't want to see him like this.
"Why?" he managed to speak up. "Is it because of Suzuki-san? I can explain everything to you. It's not what you-."
"It's not about her. I just don't like you that way," I cut him off as he was speaking. I knew this was not about her. I had made my decision based on reality. Or did I?
He then stepped closer to me. I panicked and took a step back away from him, but he reached out to me and grabbed both of my shoulders with his hands.
"I thought you loved me," he shouted at me.
He held me tightly that it actually hurt, and just then…
(Pah)
I had pulled myself out of his grasp and slapped him. I really didn't mean to slap him. It was like a reflex of protection. My hands moved on his, and I wanted to tell him that.
"Sorry," he said while looking down and picked up his bag. He kind of felt guilty, and just like that, I saw a big fat tear drop hitting the ground from his eyes, from all his emotions and pain he could no longer hold it in.
I felt sorry. My chest became so heavy I couldn't bear it; my heart almost stopped beating.
"Kenkun," I reached out my hands to grab him, but he shoved it away. Now I've done it. He really hates me.
He turned and started walking towards the end of the alley. My legs became so weak, and I ended up collapsing on my knees; tears started coming out of my eyes. I had never seen Kenkun cry before. I'm really pathetic.
"What are you doing? It's getting dark. I'll walk you home. We are going the same route anyway," said Tachibana.
I was so shocked. I looked up at him. He had stopped walking, but he still didn't face me. How is he kind after what I just did to him? Are humans like this? But I can't truly compare myself to him.
After reaching my apartment door, he had walked me all the way here.
"Good night," he said with a faint voice. Then he turned and started to walk away.
"Tachibana-kun," I ended up calling out to him. He stopped without turning around to look at me.
"Don't worry. I'm not mad or anything. I will also stop pestering you from now onwards. So for me, just keep your distance," he said as he walked away. I couldn't say anything after that.
What does he mean by that? Will we now stop communicating with each other? I really don't want that. I really don't want that. I'm such a fool, damn it.
**Takemitchy Chihiro**
To be honest, my entire life, I've always lived like a side character, those characters in anime and manga where they fall in love with a girl but the girl, in turn, only views him as a friend, and she ends up dating his friend. Yeah, that's the sort of person I've always been, a person with no person.
Even though I've always been so popular, I never made a true friend, except in my third year of middle school, where I had made friends with a beauty, Inoue Suzuki. She really never stood out during the first year and second year, up until the last semester. All of a sudden, she started to become free-minded. She made lots of friends. I admired her, and eventually, we became friends.
But most of the time, she would skip school for weeks. No one really knew the reason. Whenever someone tried to ask, she just brushed the question aside. And now, in high school, we're in the same school and class. I have made a couple of friends. I'm really happy, and yet I'm always alone and empty. Nothing has changed at all.
I guess I will never be complete. Huh, I always look at things in 3D view but never try to pry into them. I could feel the tension raising between my friends, but I have never really tried to fix anything or even help in fixing. At this rate, I'm just a big loser.
"Youth, huh," I ended up diving onto the bed after taking a bath. Love is something I just gave up on. It's really something that I was not meant for.
**Inoue Suzuki**
True love is something people like me were never meant to experience, a broken love for a broken life, I guess.
As I finished taking my bath, my father had just come. I put on some clothes and ran downstairs to greet him, for he was the only family member who cared about me.
My mother had abandoned us after I was diagnosed with this disease. She divorced my dad and got married again.
"Welcome back."
"I'm back, Suzuki, and I'm sorry I couldn't eat supper with you today."
"No need. You need to work and provide for my treatment."
My dad's expression went blank as he walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water and drank it. To be honest, after I was told I only had about two years to live, my father became more depressed than I was.
As I was starting to walk away, my father looked at me as if he had remembered something.
"Suzuki, can I have a word?"
"Sure, what is it?"
We then proceeded to take a seat at the dining table. My father looked so serious; I haven't seen him like this in a long time.
"Suzuki, I have something to tell you that I should have told you long ago."
What can it be? "It's about your illness."
Huh, my illness? What about it? I can't probably imagine anything now. I'm super curious.
"I should have said sooner, but your illness…"
Life is truly unfair.