I begin to look around the room, it's mostly clean. There's a small hoard of cups that are sitting on the corner of my desk. Some dirty clothes are nestled between my hamper and the floor in the corner. It looks just like it always has. My Xbox sitting atop my dresser, my small dinky TV beside it.
Without sitting up, I remain laying down. My phone is still on the pillow beside me, let's check the time quickly.
I barely have any energy. I sluggishly grab my phone and check the time.
7:05 A.M. Today is the first of November, a Tuesday. It's really 2011. Then, what's real? Are my memories from the past two months real, or are my memories of four years of addiction real?
Am I going through some psychotic episode?
Fuck. Okay, first of all. I'm going to write down what that thing said. I don't care if it makes me seem crazy.
There were certain rules I had to follow...
My backpack is beside my door, it feels so far away and my ability to stand feels limited. I feel like a newborn deer standing for the first time, my legs feel jelly-like. As though I'm going to fall at any second.
I awkwardly wander to my bag and grab it and bring it to my bed. I retrieve my binder and weave through the bottom of my bag looking for a pen or pencil. There's a pencil that has been chewed down by a pencil sharpener to about half its normal length.
I start writing the rules. I don't know what that thing was. That... presence. It didn't make sense.
Okay... There will be a sensor, right? I can tell when someone is in range of me... A mark you can put on someone... what else was there, what are the rules to this? Fuck, that dream feels like it's escaping me. I've got to write this down.
1. I've got to eliminate other players.
2. You're allowed teams.
3. You can't be seen killing, by non-players.
4. You can't tell anyone about the game who is not a part of it.
5... what the fuck was 5 again.
5. If you run away, everyone will know your location.
I think that's everything.
This looks like the scribbles of a fucking psycho.
Why am I taking a dream so seriously? I'm probably fucking losing it. I look over the piece of paper again. And begin theorizing what that dream was all about.
Okay, first. The most likely thing that happened was that I had a very lucid dream. Second, I'm going through an episode of psychosis. Three, I'm having early on-set fucking, I don't know, Alzheimer's? God, it makes no sense. And fourth, which is very unlikely. But the fourth is that it was all real.
I scratch my head with the pencil in my hand, maybe just a way to feel something. To make sure I'm not still dreaming, I poked my scalp with the pencil. When I looked at my arm, I got goosebumps. I recall my arm being so scarred with track marks from years of drug abuse. And the scabbing that would occur and... fuck. Okay, just stop.
Let's just stop for a second. I'm getting ahead of myself. It said there would be a sensor, but there's nothing indicating that. So that must mean that I was just having a fucked up dream.
I leave my bag on my bed and lie down on my pillow. I feel so utterly exhausted.
So, if it is true, then what? I begin thinking of everything that's happened until now. All the nagging feeling I've had inside me. My disdain towards drugs and alcohol... Why I distanced myself from Austin and anything that could lead me down the same path... fuck.
I laid down for probably 10 minutes, just thinking.
I never stopped to notice that my mom was already awake and cooking breakfast. I can smell it coming from downstairs.
I remember the first day I came back... fuck now I'm believing all these stupid delusions. I remember eating breakfast for the first time in what felt like forever. I think I should talk to Mom, maybe I'm having some medical issue that needs to be addressed.
I have memories of the future even, real-world events that happened. As best as I could remember them. I was an addict, but I still heard of large events...
Even though the memories feel real, life doesn't feel real right now. If that makes sense. I feel detached from reality.
The more I delve into my memories, the more memories I find coincide with real-world events. I remember the first time I started the drugs... fuck. I'm going crazy, I need to talk to my mom.
It's hard to formulate thoughts right now, I'll need to calm down first. I'm going to check my phone. My hands feel shaky.
Unlocking my phone, there's a text from "Stranger." Or Emma, I should finally change her name to Emma. I've waited long enough.
Her text was from about 45 minutes ago. It just says:
"Good Meowning."
She's a goofball.
Ahh, I need to ground myself. My throat feels parched as hell. I'm gonna muster up the energy to go downstairs and talk to my mom about this. And to tell her I'm feeling sick and should go to the hospital or something.
After dragging my heels across the floor and making my way downstairs, Mom is sitting at the table. Breakfast was already made. The kitchen is filled with the smell of bacon and coffee. And cigarettes. Mom is having a cigarette at the table, she keeps the window open while she smokes, but it's not even to get the scent out of the room.
She's staring at the gloomy weather outside. Her skin looks aged. Sort of. Mom must be near her 40s right now. Her black hair is turning gray at the roots. Probably from all the stress we put her through. She looks so small and lonely.
She's been making breakfasts and smoking cigarettes alone in the morning for so many years. How many years did she spend crying while waiting for me to come back home?
Fuck, I shouldn't think about that. I don't think it's real anyway, right?
Walking, and taking steps is difficult. I move my legs forward and reach the cabinet, before taking out a glass. The glass was originally a container for spaghetti sauce. But has been washed and cleaned and repurposed into a cup.
I fill it with water from the sink. I think I startled Mom; she was zoning out for a minute there. The sudden sound of running water must've freaked her out. I don't think I was particularly quiet while walking into the kitchen though.
"Oh shit, thought you were death finally coming for me." She starts laughing, her tone of voice makes me feel so happy and so sad.
"Good morning, Sonny. Next time you should say something, so you don't give me a heart attack." She takes a puff of her cigarette in her hand.
"Good morning Mom." I finish off my cup of water before wandering to the table. I place one hand on the wooden table for balance.
"Can't tell anyone about the game..." I think to myself. No, I'm just losing my mind. I need to talk to my mom.
I clutch the glass cup in one hand and start to feel a cold sweat on my brow.
The cool glass cup of water feels good in my fingers. There's a silence in the room, I probably look drunk while I'm all wobbly like this. Mom probably thinks I went out drinking last night and am having the hangover shakes right now. I wish that were the case.
There's a lump in my throat before I speak.
"Hey Mom, I had a weird dream last night..." I muster up the courage to speak those words.
"Oh yeah? What did you dream about?" She says while giving me her full attention in the momentary silence of the home. I break that silence by saying:
"I dreamt of..."
And it feels like my vision is suddenly clouded with darkness. A sudden tunnel-like vision and interference cut my sentence short.
I open my eyes in what feels like the next instance.
I'm in the middle of class. Ms. Farley's class, what the fuck is going on?
There's a ringing in my ear, I feel like my energy is back, and I don't feel as sluggish. What's going on? Why am I here?
"Penalty complete. Players within your vicinity." A robotic voice says it feels like it's invaded my mind.
"What the fuck." I say out loud.
My eyes widened; my whole body feels shaky. I feel like I'm about to hyperventilate. There's a sudden nausea and disorienting sense of lost time. What time is it, it was like 7:30 or some shit when I was talking to Mom. Where did that time go, how am I in class?
Ms. Farley looked my way and rolled her eyes at me as I swore.
I have a pencil in my hand, I'm writing down notes. I'm clutching the pencil right now, almost like an involuntary movement. I place the pencil on my desk, there's a nail mark in the wood of the pencil shaft.
Okay, just breathe right now. Breathe, be calm. Relax. Just fucking, relax.
I've got to remain composed.
I feel like I'm being bombarded with a million thoughts all at once.
Just be calm, calm. Breathe in your nose, for 4 seconds, exhale for 4, and continue this pattern.
I take my hands and clasp them together underneath my desk to stop them from trembling. Attempting to anyway, but they're still shaking. I feel cold, my body feels almost foreign.
Just try to think properly.
Okay. Right now, I have no choice but to believe that it wasn't just a dream.
I close my eyes for a second and finally notice that in the corner of my eye, there's a blue text that reads:
"In-vicinity." That's it. This must mean there are other players nearby. There's no indicator as to who they are, where they are, how far they are from me. It just says "In-vicinity".
"Penalty complete." That was all I heard before waking up here.
I was at home talking to Mom, I was going to tell her about my dream. Then I woke up in Ms. Farley's class. What time is it right now?
Looking at the clock in the front of the class, above the whiteboard and behind Ms. Farley's desk, the clock's hands read 9:30.
"Danny!" Ms. Farley interrupts my train of thought.
"Pay attention, please. I asked you a question."
What did she say? She was talking to me. I wasn't aware, I feel like I'm stuck in my head right now.
I'm not able to reply, so I just stare at her blankly for a few moments, she begins speaking again, in her condescending tone of voice.
"I wanted you to answer the question in the assignment." The whole class stops and begins staring at me. I don't know what the fuck the answer to this is, I didn't even read it.
"I don't know. I'm sorry." I reply.
"Well, you'd know if you actually paid attention." She scoffs and calls on someone else to answer.
I don't even care about whatever she's going on about right now.
I'd rather tell her to fuck off, that's what I'd rather be doing. Does she think hassling kids is fucking funny? How fucking pathetic can a person be? She must think because she has some insignificant amount of power over us and can say whatever the fuck she wants. Does she not have a single fucking brain cell in that stupid skull of hers? Does she have nothing else going on in her life?
Fuck, I'm thinking negatively again. I've gotta stop, I can't think right now. I can't say shit like that or think it. I just need to figure out what's going on right now.
I turn to my right and see Austin writing down notes. I feel a sense of calm after seeing him.
For now, I don't know who any other players are.
I need to fake how I usually act; I don't want to seem abnormal and be marked. I need to find a way to get out of this situation right now.
How can I do that?
Austin begins picking apart a rubber eraser and throwing the tiny pink blobs at my head, trying to gauge a response from me. I'm doing my best to ignore him and think for now.
I sink into my chair and begin to think.
I've lost two hours of time.
It begins to sink in, there are other players here. I completely blacked out and have zero memory of what's happened since this morning.
So, first of all. Let's think about what this means.
"In Vicinity." That's all it says in the corner of my eye. That entity said if I was marked, I'd be told in real-time. I don't think I was marked, at least I hope not. I feel like it would give me an indicator that I was.
So, the context of "In-vicinity." Is vague, it said that the sensor would be at first very large, and then reduce in size as the game progresses. Okay. That makes zero fucking sense right now.
Two very important hours are gone. During that time, I could've checked my surroundings for other players or tried to find someone who was acting differently. I don't know. If nobody else did what I did this morning, that means that they were conscious at the beginning of the game. They could've gotten a head start on me or figured out I'm a part of it.
God dammit. Being paranoid isn't going to help me right now.
I could've been notified when I came into the vicinity of them, that would help me figure out my plan of action. And... okay I'm getting ahead of myself again.
To begin with, how far is the range of the sensor? How far does it go? That thing didn't tell me the details, or I should say, didn't tell us. Everyone in the game. So, I don't know if the sensor's range is the size of the school or the size of a street or kilometers or anything. I can't just assume that another player is in the school.
If I estimate the size of the population in the school, it's probably 500, including the staff.
So, are the students the other players? Or is there a larger demographic? I have to take this seriously right now.
That thing said they were similar to me, does that mean they were students, or does that mean they died in a past life, or both? What if there are adults?
There are several buildings that surround the school, along with houses. If the range of the sensor extends beyond those points, it could be that not even any of the students are a part of the game.
So it could be that there are adults, anyone, there are too many possibilities and not enough information.
How am I supposed to find them? And wait...?
Am I really going to have to kill someone? I've never even hurt anyone, really. Besides myself. But that's because I'm a moron.
I've been staring down at my pencil and paper and making zero progress on the work I'm supposed to finish. There's just too much to think about that I can't focus on any schoolwork.
I've got to plan or something.
Austin tosses a piece of crumpled-up paper at me after he's exhausted his eraser ammunition. When I look at him, he begins to look around the room, pretending to find the person who threw the paper.
"You really died like that, didn't you..." I think to myself while looking at my friend.
"No... that didn't happen. Or it didn't happen yet. We can still change; I can make sure we never go through that again. or down that same road. Somehow."
There's a certain melancholy to this entire situation. I've got to believe that I lived an entire life before this one and made so many mistakes. I always thought if I could only go back to where it all began... and now I'm here. I can reconcile with my past, I've done better. I just, how do I keep this life and survive and... fuck.
That thing said that nothing is free and that giving me this life it will cost me.
I can't even fix the past right now; I've got to fight others... right.
Let's just go through the school day and act normal for now.
Class finishes up while I was overthinking everything, I could barely focus on anything.
At the ringing of the bell, Austin's already got his bag on and begins to make his way to the door. Likely a pre-emptive way to escape Ms. Farley's time-wasting bullshit. Where she always tries to find a way to keep us in class for a minute or two. I follow behind him.
"Those are our precious two minutes bro." He'd always say to me.
Maybe it's just me wanting to feel a sense of normality, thinking about his shenanigans.
There's a lot going on in my heart right now. My skin begins to crawl, and I get shivers thinking that one of the faces I pass by could be a part of the same thing as me.
I've never felt so isolated. Despite being surrounded by people right now, I feel like this is one of the most alienating points of my life.
Austin looks at me after pushing his way through the crowd of kids in the halls. They're all so loud and it's disorienting. Austin's a huge dude, probably one of the tallest people in this school. His frame is towering over everyone else, and they move aside when he walks past them.
He turned to me and asked:
"Hey bro, you're pretty pale. Are you sick or some shit? You got the clap or what?" Then shoves me on the shoulder into the wall of lockers that are along the edge of the hall.
I don't put any force into resisting his push and just let it happen. I hear the clunking noise of the metal locker door when I hit its frame. I stay stone-faced and stare straight ahead.
Austin's still wearing a t-shirt and shorts at the end of fall. He's always been one of those guys, maybe he just doesn't get cold like any normal person would. It's November, guy.
"Nah, I'm good. Maybe it's just the weather bro. I'm so fucking tired right now..." I'm definitely something, maybe tired isn't the right word.
Up ahead, I can see the grey skied weather outside of the exit door that leads to the school's field.
We continue walking, and I just stay at his side and think.
If I was marked, I'd be notified instantly, right? Even if I had a penalty?
Would it overrule the penalty or would that be one of the consequences of trying to divulge information about the game?
In the same way it says "In Vicinity" in the corner of my eye, would it also say marked?
Wait, would it be dangerous to mark people as well? You've only got 3 chances per day... and doing it randomly would also ensure a penalty on you... so it's not like we can just do it continuously.
I think finding out who is a part of the game beforehand would be the best approach and marking someone specific within a crowd of others... or something.
We exit the school.
The cool air immediately pierces through my thin sweater and onto my skin. The skies are blanketed in a somber grey, the clouds aren't completely uniform. It's as though there's a large collection of them wanting to combine with one another, but the density of each individual cloud is different from the next.
There are kids in the schoolyard. As we were walking a few passed by me and Austin and I heard a ball bouncing against the pavement, some kids going to go play basketball.
I should try to do that thing, marking someone. I need to learn how to use my only real defense right now...
Looking at Austin's back as he begins walking towards the gates of the school; I think to myself.
"What if he's a part of it too?"
No, no... no. I don't think that right now. I wouldn't be able to handle that truth. I crush that thought and push it downwards into the deepest parts of me. I'll cross that road if I have to in the future.
The anxious thoughts won't go away, I don't feel calm.
"What if someone's watching me right now? What if someone is looking at me and waiting to mark me?"
I gaze backward toward the brick exterior of our school, it's a two-storied building. There are several windows on the first and second floors. Someone could be watching through them, and they could mark someone as they walked into or out of the school without being seen by the person they'd marked.
What would I have done if I didn't black out this morning? I'm already behind everyone else in terms of understanding the game.
I don't have much of a choice but to try and use this ability or whatever the fuck it is and catch up.
But I can't bring myself to use it on Austin. If he is a part of it, me marking him means I'll have to kill him.
"Teams are fine... but you can't team up with a player you've marked..." I think that's what that thing said to me.
My heart isn't ready to find out if he's a part of it, we died at different time periods. But that thing... maybe time doesn't apply to it. It obviously doesn't care about us, it'd probably be happy to force friends to kill each other off.
It's capable of overstepping things like time and animating itself directly into your consciousness, and it said we would die of natural causes so it can influence the world in some way.
We're walking in the direction of the back of the school. The students that just passed us ran to the basketball a few meters away from the exit door. We've walked a bit by now. I wasn't paying attention to how far we were walking, or even my surroundings.
Situating my body backward, I choose one of the kids playing basketball at random.
"Mark," I speak the words in my mind.
Instantaneously, in my mind, I heard the word "Miss." By the same robotic voice as earlier.
So, what does that mean? They aren't a part of it then, right?
I feel a sigh of relief, I don't know what I'd do if they were.
Fuck, I gotta ask Austin who that is. I don't know him personally; I must record who I just marked so it doesn't become something in the future.
"Ay, Austin." I smack his shoulder to get his attention.
"what's up, don't be smacking me like that either fucker." He flicks my hand away from his shoulder.
"Ight, in the future then. Do you know who that kid is playing ball? He's got a red sweater and the green hat." I say to him.
He turns his body to me and begins walking backward while squinting his eyes in their direction.
"Oh yeah, that's Brandon. He's in a grade below us. Why, you gonna fight him or some shit?" He starts laughing at me.
"Nah, just curious." Okay, Brandon... I don't know him or his last name. but I'll remember that name in the future.
I breathe a sigh of relief and look back at the school with Austin.
If the person I'd chosen at random was a part of the game, what would I have even done? I need to think of a real plan.
I'd have no real way to pursue him as I am right now, I would most likely have been seen by him a few seconds ago, and maybe he would have concluded that I'd marked him and done the same to me. fuck, this is getting confusing.
This is real... staring at the towering building of the school, I feel an ominous sense of dread fill me.
There's going to come a time when I have too... kill someone else. And I won't know what to do when that happens... or else, conversely, I'll have to die.
The harsh truth hits me like a train. I can see my pulse in my vision as my heart begins to race, and an unsettling panic starts to set in.
No... I've got to stay calm.