Me and Austin hung around outside for the duration of recess, he was talking with some boys about getting a party started at a friend of a friend's place, since their parents were out of town.
"What I wouldn't give for a drink... or maybe something more..." I think to myself.
"No, you're not that person anymore." I can't believe I have to plead with myself like this. It's ridiculous. I stopped using drugs for a reason.
The bell hasn't rung yet, Austin is still talking with them. One of the boys is playing some sort of musical beat on his phone and "freestyling" a rap that he's coming up with on the spot. It sounds cringy.
I'm standing off to the side as they talk, not really contributing anything to the conversation.
Really acting like a despondent teenage boy, so angsty. Staring off into the distance of the grey sky.
We're at the edge of the school, along the fence towards the back alley beside the school. Where the prying eyes of the teachers and school staff can't see the bad kids do bad stuff, like smoke.
The teachers can probably see us, honestly. Maybe they just don't care about what we do. They don't get paid enough to try and change every stupid kid's shitty actions. They're probably happy we crappy kids aren't in the class right now anyway.
How can you even change someone's path... I don't know the answer to that. It's probably not a simple one. I know in the future; Austin dies from addiction. And so, do I. Nothing, not a damn thing anyone has ever said to me got through my thick skull when I was at the peak of my addiction...
There must be some sort of way... fuck. There are so many other things I should be thinking about right now.
I feel disconnected from their conversations, just yesterday would be conversing with them at least, egging on this dude to keep singing. Or something. I shouldn't even be here. I've been leaving Austin to go to class alone, and meeting with Emma or her friends, or Charlie... Josh, Kelly or Anna or Claire. I've been clung to them lately. Why am I out here suddenly, isn't that suspicious? Fuck. I didn't even bother to look for them, and they've been my best friends for the past two months.
I've been stuck zoning out over all of my fearful thoughts and ideas and questioning my own behavior. I didn't notice there was a pause in the boys' conversation. I wasn't paying attention to their actual conversation, but I can hear the silence of them.
Looking at them, they're all staring into the distance at a group of girls walking toward us.
I don't know why they stopped talking though.
The boy who was rapping turned his music's volume to 0. The dude would probably be embarrassed to sing like that to a group of girls. After a few seconds, their group has made it up to ours.
"Hey, guys. Why so quiet." One girl says while giggling and looking back at her friend group and they begin whispering and talking quietly.
"Shut up!" One girl yells out at one of the other girls' whisperings. Slapping her arm.
After what feels like forever, they finally walk toward Austin.
She's got long brunette hair, and the whites of her eyes are large with a brown crystalline iris in the center of it. I can't see her face; she's covering it with the sleeve of her white sweater.
"Hey, we heard you know where we can get some weed." She speaks in a high tone of voice and maintains eye contact with Austin the entire time she speaks.
He stares at her for a little over three seconds, probably thinking of something witty to say. The same way he usually would to me, it's like I can see his whole thought process just by looking at his face.
Right now, he's abandoning the idea of saying something funny and uttering a simple:
"Yeah, I do. We can go for a ride right now. My truck's out in the front." He says while lifting his backpack from the damp ground, securing the strap of his bag to his shoulder.
"You got cash or what?" He says to the girl.
She has this weird energy to her; I don't know what it is. She just kind of freaks me out, Austin looks like he doesn't really know her.
The sweater she's wearing is too long for her arms. The sleeves are stretching past her hands. And her hands are kept close to her face to block it out when she smiles. I guess you can tell she's smiling with her eyes.
Bright brown eyes smile Austin's way, he looks smitten. Maybe he's not used to the attention.
Maybe she's his type, he never really talked about girls before. He's normally kept that to himself.
I wanna tell him that she's wearing a dude's sweater, probably her boyfriends' or ex's. who knows, I'm not gonna psychoanalyze her taste in apparel. I'm just doubtful she bought it herself, stealing sweaters is a red flag in my book. But what do I know, I'm just some 20-year-old dude stuck in a 16-year-old's body.
He looks too starstruck to say anything right now, it's kind of cute to see him this way.
The girl looks back to her friends.
"You girls give me the money." She says while uncuffing her hands to reveal small, bony fingers.
Without missing a beat, Austin begins walking with them outside the school gate. He waves to me to come for a walk with them.
I shout out to him: "I'll text you in a bit, I ain't missing class!" After waving my hand to signal "Later."
My hand is raised above my head, and not the entire length of my arm is sprawled out, a single swift movement to the right. Only my index finger and middle finger are sticking out of my hand. I keep my hand there for a moment before bringing it back down.
"That was a cool hand gesture." I think to myself, I don't even know what the fuck I'm thinking. I feel like I'm going insane and trying to cope with that insanity.
I start the walk back to the school through the yard. Keeping my head up and watching my surroundings.
Everyone appears, normal. I mean, maybe to seem normal too.
In my field of vision, the words "In vicinity" remain. Maybe it will go away as Austin drives away with those girls... That's a terrifying thought.
I've got to think of a way to fight, or at least protect myself. I feel so defenseless. I can't talk about the details of the game to anyone not a part of it, and I don't even know how to find someone to talk about it with.
There's some intuitive feeling I had when woke up in Ms. Farley's class, to remain calm. To act normal, some survival instinct is to not act out of character. I hope that act pays off.
I have no way of discerning who an enemy could be beside the mark, I've used it once today. I don't know if they're overthinking the situation like I am or choosing to act immediately.
I enter through the side door of the school again; I don't want to walk through the front unless I have to. The windows on the second floor freak me out.
Maybe I've already been marked and don't know it, two hours is a lot of time. Especially in a high-traffic area like the school.
I pass through the halls in mostly silence, the bell hasn't rung yet, and most of the students are still outside or hanging around the lobby area. I pass by the classes, ignoring all outward sounds around me. There's talking among students within the classes with open doors, but I don't pay attention to what they're saying.
I keep my head up to watch my surroundings. Now finally noticing the sound of my feet clacking against the tile floor, the staircase upstairs is just ahead. I just passed by Miss Farley's class. I looked in and saw her speaking happily with one of the female students.
You can't really tell who is who at the moment is. If one of my classmates, or teachers is part of it.
I begin my ascent up the stairs.
I'm a few minutes early, but it doesn't matter anyway. I mutter to myself.
Whatever, I just made it up the stairs. Mr. Radek's classroom is opposite the staircase. I enter his chemistry class to see a familiar face.
The teacher, Mr. Radek is standing at the front of the classroom. Speaking with one of my classmates.
He turns to me and says in his rigid voice "Dan! It's good to see you, I'm surprised you made it to class since yesterday was Halloween."
"You weren't having too much fun last night, were you?" he winks at me and laughs a little.
Gotta act normal, Dan.
"Oh yeah? You know class comes before fun, don't cha? I always come to class." I pause before asking in a friendly tone:
"Are the numbers low today, Mr. Radek?" hoping I was putting on my best fake smile.
His beard has grown out quite a bit, it looks like he hasn't shaved over the weekend.
"They're quite low, but it's to be expected when Halloween is on a Monday. I ought to give the guy who made the Gregorian calendar a stern talking too." He laughs. I don't know how old the calendar is, but that dude's probably been dead for centuries.
Mr. Radek is standing at the front of the class, behind the island-style desk he has in the center of the class. The whiteboard behind him still has notes from this morning. He has a bad habit of not erasing his morning classes' work. There are no glass beakers out or any signs of him doing experiments. He turns away from me after I begin to walk towards my usually desk in the back.
He's wearing a white lab coat this morning, and his hair is styled in his usual slicked back style. He's been wearing contacts recently, but today he has on his thick pair of glasses. They have silver-plated metallic frames and circular lenses. He looks like a real scientist-type guy.
Mr. Radek's knuckles are pressed down against his desk, a bit hard. Hard enough to the point where his knuckles have gone white from forcing the blood out of his capillaries. He must be old, having to lean on his desk for balance.
Old people, hah.
"Oh right, sorry about that Liam. I actually-"I stopped listening in on them at this point.
After sitting down, I finally feel like I have a moment to think.
So, I lost two hours. There's nothing I can do about that. I'm going to assume I haven't been marked. If I have, I'm probably already fucked.
I need to know what I did during the time when I was in that blackout.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I check what's in my other pocket. My keys are in there, and the same yellow lighter I've been carrying with me since I started going to school again. it seems like I acted how I normally would in the day.
I'm wearing blue jeans, a long sleeve plaid shirt that I bought with my money from my job last week. Inspired by Charlie's sense of style.
My shoes are on the right foot, not that that matters.
I take out my phone to see if I did anything on it, or if I communicated to anyone.
There are a few new messages, at the top is Emma. I mean, stranger. I'll read those first.
Me, 7:47 A.M: "Good meowning to you too~"
Emma, 8:13 A.M: "Hah, I never thought I'd get you to say it back like I do :p"
Me, 8:13 A.M: "You'd be surprised about the influence you have on me haha."
She hasn't replied since then. That's a bit cringe.
There's a message from Kelly and Josh.
Kelly was speaking Japanese again.
Josh asked me if I wanted to go for a walk to "not 7/11" later.
I replied to Josh, but not Kelly.
I texted him back saying "Yeah, as long it's not the stores within a 2-kilometer radius at 8:45 A.M.
All the messages sent to me, I replied to immediately.
So, I must have been living exactly as I normally do. Almost like I was in a catatonic state or like on auto-pilot. So, did I act exactly as I should have been? Fuck, there isn't anyone I can really ask besides Kelly and Austin since we have Ms. Farley's class together.
I'll text Austin right now and see if he's coming back to class today.
No matter where I look, in the corner of my eyes the ominous blue text says, "in vicinity."
I really wouldn't mind if it disappeared right now.
Well, let's just grab our things for class out now. Recess is going to be over soon.
After grabbing my binder from my bag, I start flipping through it. When opening my binder, a piece of loose-leaf paper falls out onto the wooden desk.
There are drawings on it from Anna and Claire yesterday. Claire drew a grasshopper being eaten by a beetle. She has a unique artistic sense to her. Regardless of how grim it's nature can be.
On the paper it says "Grasshopper" With an arrow pointing to the half-eaten bug. And another arrow on the opposite side of the paper "Blister beetle!" And another word under it "Meloidae". Probably it's scientific name.
Anna drew a koi fish encircling another koi, I recall her saying it was a scene from one of her favourite cartoons growing up.
They're nice drawings, I mean, Claire's is a bit freaky. But that's just her as a person.
A bit freaky.
They give me a sense of normalcy in the situation I'm in, reminding me that I have friends and people I can turn to. Even if I can't speak with them about the game, I can't wait to just speak with them.
"What if they're a part of the game?" This thought suddenly arises in my mind, I push it back down.
Okay, let's put aside all the negative thoughts for right now. I'll need to come up with a plan on how to pinpoint exactly who is a part of this and who isn't. But I can't do that while acting normally in class for the time being. There's too much information I need and don't have and need to find a way to obtain that information. I can't even recollect all my past memories right now; I have to assume they're real. Because the past doesn't coincide with the present moment and who I am and who everyone else is right now.
All I know is that I died, came back, stopped my current self from becoming an addict, and now have to kill others. Yup, that sounds about right. Does this same formula apply to everyone else though?
I wish this were just an episode of psychosis, where I think I've lived an entire life before this. This constant anxiety makes me feel like I'm going to explode and go crazy. My mind keeps focusing on this stupid "game" or whatever the fuck it is, I've got to bring myself back into the moment.
The bell suddenly rings and interrupts my train of thought.
Other students begin entering the classroom and sitting down in their respective seats. Minutes pass as I try to seem small and invisible in the back of the class, looking down at my papers and pretending to read through my notes. It's hard to focus on the material right now. I at least know now that I don't work well under pressure.
Another familiar face comes into class. It's Emma.
She begins walking towards me, she's wearing a thin sweater and what appears to be a dark red blouse-type shirt underneath. She has a necklace on and is wearing makeup today. That's a bit unusual, she usually doesn't dress up like that. Her red hair is intricately woven into a braid that sits nestled against her exposed neck. She didn't cover up her freckles with concealer. I think that's what it's called anyway.
She smiles when she sees me, and in her feminine but somehow masculine tone of voice says to me:
"Hey! Well, would you look at that, my favorite seat is open. All for me? You already know I'm gonna nestle in beside Mr. Burks." She laughs and pulls up the chair next to me along the table in the back of the class.
She's an interesting person, I don't know where she gets the confidence to be so loud. She has a way of making everything feel personal like she doesn't really care about anyone else around us.
Right, acting normally. How do I act normally?
"Hey, you seem pretty well rested, I thought you'd be up all night, terrified from the movies you were watchin." I say to her as she situates herself beside me.
"Whoa now, I don't get scared from movies." She triumphantly notifies me, and the rest of the class. She talks loudly.
Mr. Radek just started the lesson, and the rest of the class is quietly listening in on the lesson.
"Hmm, I always thought that tough exterior was just to hide your true scaredy-cat self. Kidding, I like your makeup, by the way, it looks good." I say to her, trying to keep up the same eye contact she gives out when speaking.
She turns away from me, and looks forward to the rest of the class, before turning back to me again.
"Anywaaay, boy you got some fuzzy hair, don't'cha, you remind me of a puppy I had as a kid." Emma begins rubbing her hand through my head.
I forgot I got a haircut over the weekend, my hair was looking like a mop before I made the executive decision to chop it off. When the hair was on the ground at the salon, it looked like there was enough to build a cat with.
I notice her small hands are cold, unreasonably cold. She's always cold for some reason, I've grown accustomed to her needlessly being touchy-feely with her cold hands.
"skidaddle," I say while swiping her hand out of my hair.
She laughs and moves her scalp towards me and asks if I want to feel her braids in exchange for bugging my hair. I respectfully decline.
Mr. Radek: "Excuse me, Emma. I'm teaching right now, so you can flirt with Danny later." Everyone in the class begins looking at us. Emma turns to me and speaks directly into my ear in a soft whisper.
"You heard him, I guess we're flirting later." She starts laughing and then slaps her knee.
It almost looks like she's blushing when she does, almost.
She sits still for maybe a minute or two after taking out her books and again begins bugging me, but quieter.
Ignoring her, I'm Attempting to write down what Mr. Radek was saying, I try following his slides on the smartboard behind him.
"Psst," Emma says trying to get my attention, I try to ignore her.
"Pssssssst." I turn to her, she's got her hand to her face, blocking her mouth and eyes from the rest of the class.
Emma points down to my notebook, to an assignment we started last week.
"This is wrong, and this one, and this one... and maybe even this one." She glides her finger across the paper, pointing out all the mistakes I might've made.
I begin to look at the questions, thinking maybe I fucked them up. But after doing the questions in my head, there's no way I did.
"What're you talking about, these are fine," I say in confusion.
"Hah, gotcha." She looks pleased with herself after tricking me.
"But this one is wrong, look, I'll show you." She grabs a hold of my hand and begins to trace the correct answer, holding onto my fingers and writing down what she thinks is the right answer.
"See, you made the same mistake before. You gotta be more, like proactive. And pay attention. Bad Daniel." She says, not letting go of my hand just yet.
The answer on the paper looks awful like a toddler wrote it. Using someone else's hand to write isn't exactly accurate.
Mr. Radek begins speaking louder as she's still holding onto my hand.
"There's going to be some balancing of chemical equations on the test, as well as empirical and molecular formulae. That should all be fresh in your memories right now. We'll spend tomorrow reviewing the past couple of lessons to jog your memory before Thursday." Everyone stays quiet and begins writing in their notebooks what he just said, probably to remind them of what to study.
Emma finally her hand off mine when he finishes talking. She removes it quickly when she notices she's been holding onto my hand for much longer than necessary.
"Oh right. Before I forget, I wanted to ask if anyone would help out with that class trip next Friday. can I get any volunteers to help me out that day?" He says to everyone.
There's almost the sound of crickets echoing, church bells tolling, even.
Nobody's volunteering.
I mean, why would they? There are better things to do with their spare time.
After a few moments of kids looking at each other and whispering to their friends, Mr. Radek disturbs their murmurs.
"Okay. Well, I'll just have to choose two random volunteers." He begins scanning the room.
I try my best to hide my face from him, by turning my head to Emma.
"Alright, Emma. You can help me out." He says to her, she looks abnormally excited and gives a salute to him.
"Yes sir!" She proclaims loudly. He smiles at her enthusiasm.
"And Liam, you're coming with us too." The boy is playing on his phone and says:
"Can't do, teach. I got practice all week for the volleyball tournament coming up." He doesn't look away from his phone when he says that.
Mr. Radek looks like he's remembered that tournament and begins stroking his beard.
"Aren't you on the volleyball team too, Emma?" Mr. Radek asks.
"Yes, I am. But it's the boy's tourney this weekend, not the girls." She replies.
"Right, right... is there anyone else who's on the volleyball team?" A few hands rise.
"Okay then... well the next logical choice would be Daniel, right. You're well acquainted with Emma, right? It'll be fun for you both." He says while turning back to the board. I didn't even get a say in the matter.
Fuck.
"Alright, I suppose I don't mind being stuck with her," I say jokingly.
She punches me in the shoulder. Mr. Radek turns back to the class.
"Alright, that's settled now. Emma, Danny, can you meet me in my class when school is over." He says before returning to the lesson.
I don't want to go, I wanna go home. I need a few hours just to think. Okay, gotta talk to Mr. Radek after school, but before that, I'm gonna spend some time alone in the bathroom or some shit.
Emma continues bothering me for the rest of the lesson. She gets distracted easily and is often seen doodling on her paper rather than writing notes. I don't feel like I'm acting completely like myself. It's hard to.
Before the bell rings, Emma turns to me and says:
"Hey, sorry I didn't reply to your text earlier." And then turned away from me, she didn't offer up a reason as to why she didn't reply to it and I didn't press her for an answer, I just said it's fine.
After finishing up the lesson and being excused for lunch, in my mind, I want to make a beeline for the bathroom, or somewhere I can be alone for a few minutes.
I've gotten all my stuff in my bag and begin walking out the door, Emma is following close behind.
Mr. Radek waves his hand and says, "Hold up."
"Emma, Danny, don't be late after school, alright?" while writing down who attended class today on a paper.
"I won't, Mr. Radek," Emma speaks up first.
"Yeah, I know. I heard you the first time." I say waving my hand goodbye to him.
As I walk out, Emma walks up behind me when a sudden sharp stabbing sensation is felt in my ribs. She poked me with her fingers and laughed when I tensed up.
"Fuuuuuck. It's bullshit we gotta meet that musty old Mr. Radek, isn't it?" She says while catching up to my pace and standing by my side.
I'm making a straight line for the stairs and say "Nah, it's fine. He's just using us as free labor though."
My immediate thought was to tell her to leave me alone because I need to fucking think, but I know that would be wrong. It feels like I've been having multiple intrusive thoughts today. I'm thinking much more negatively than usual.
"Well, we're stuck together for the trip next week anyway, you should've come to the dance last night, I would've given you my hand if you asked." She's always so bubbly, and when she laughs it's calming.
"You wanna eat lunch together?" She runs down the stairs ahead of me and jumps from the fifth step of the stairs down to the bottom floor, before lifting her arms up and saying, "And she sticks the landing!"
I don't remember Emma. From my memories.
Isn't it weird that she's suddenly shown up in my life? Maybe...
Standing at the step she just finished jumping from, I speak the words in my mind while looking at her.
"Mark."