Someone once asked me, what it feels like looking at the world with a broken lens. Well, that was a question I had no idea of what it feels like... how the world feels like.., then.., at the time of the questioning.
But today, hell I do.
Anyway, I had Aaliyah in the car... her name was barely screening in my mind…, she did not pop up randomly, I strained really to remember her name. I just knew I had to at least fulfill my part of the bargain... reason why I had her here.
There was dead silence, really dead silence...
I felt comfortable with it anyway, I had so much on my mind, that speaking would aid me no less. I had already picked her up in the morning, and now I was returning her back home. I wished not to have Elvis see me; it would mean war between us, he would fear for his sister, he really would.
"How was your shift...," Aaliyah started, it was already evening.
"Not that bad really," I stated. "How was lunch?" I continued, as if trying to shift the conversation to her, I really did not enjoy conversations about me, there were a lot of things I preferred keeping unto myself.
"I am hungry, I have barely had anything," she stated.
"Oooh... why didn't you say?" I asked.
"I am not a fan of driveway food, I have stomach issues when it comes to the same," she stated, and I nodded. I knew so well, here was where I needed to at least help out, there was food at my place, Luke before he left, he made sure he prepared something and left it for me... he always did that, even on our days as roommates.
"Let's hang around my apartment, it is quite near...," I stated, to which she nodded, as I changed the car route to my apartment area. Her school was a little far, I had already moved so many times, currently I was in California, enjoying the sun rays... and the beaches, but I barely even went to them, I barely had time for that. After some time, we arrived at my place, as I helped her out of my car, and to my apartment we went.
Luke had already left, thank God, first because I knew he would start chanting how I should stop giving the girl hopes of love if I felt nothing of the same. Truth be told, I think I was in liking of the girl, I am not sure, I was bringing her to my house, not many got this kind of chance, really not many.
"Fish, Italian homemade chicken, some pasta… wow, this is good," I heard her state as I was busy putting on some loose clothes. I hated staying at home like a prisoner in my clothes, I really did. When staying home, I preferred letting go of all the work clothes... I also did not like damaging them with foodstuff and all that.
"I hope you like the food," I stated, after finishing all the wearing and everything. I had on a white t-shirt with a huge writing of GOD DID, and some grey sweats. Someone had once told me that I looked really good in sweatpants, which is why my closet had a lot of them, in different colors but most were just black and grey, with a little white for the morning runs, and shorts.
I also served myself some food and opened the screen in front of us to enjoy some things… On opening, videos of my past started popping up. We used to take a lot of videos together, really a lot…, That's when I remembered Luke had borrowed my flash to watch some of the movies. I suddenly felt attacked this day, right now, and I found myself hurrying to move the videos as I fucked the day I decided not to delete every memory, I had all the memory…, I chose not to forget them, they were just.., they really were just the only things that reminded me how happiness once felt like.
"Sorry," I said quickly and started heading to Netflix.
"I love the videos, let me see," she stated.
"No, it's not that important," I stated, being quite convincing. I needed her not to insist because... because I hated seeing all that thing, I really did…, I have never watched them in years.., maybe when drank and all my thoughts flood on all that,… on all that. So hell hope one day Aaliyah will understand why I hated this kind of video.
"No, I want to see that…, really Hayzen," she stated and grabbed the remote out of my hands. I hoped I would be patient with her, but whatever she was daring to do was not something of my consent.
"Aali... Aaliyah, don't please," I stated again, and she put on the first video… It was the first shot when, I was swimming.., and I could not feel myself, my heart broke, my temper rose, my blood was hot.., and the fear in me became more of a shake, a tremble.., whatever I had buried.., this girl was daring with it, stop.., aallii.., stop.., I tried finding my words, and then.., "I said don't! What part of that don't you understand? Pause the goddam thing or I'mma break this fuckin screen right now…, Yeah, if you want Netflix, watch it, but not these goddamn videos!" I was shouting, I knew, and I knew so well what became of me when rage overcame me.
"Chill out, Zen," she stated as she switched off the screen.., fully off, and I was taken aback.
"ZEN?" I asked again, "Who taught you that name? I'm Hayzen, Hayzen… H.A.Y.Z.E.N." Whatever voice I was using right now felt like it was not mine; it felt like I was watching myself from somewhere else; someone I had never found.., but,.. Truth be told, I was scared, I was really scared, I really was, and the scary part was, I was scared of something I barely knew... or maybe I knew it, I just was not ready to face it…,
"Hayzen... I'm sorry," she stated, and I suddenly looked at her, and my eyes, damn my eyes, I knew the way they looked,.., damn I knew, from the reflection of the way she looked at me. It was like she was suddenly scared of me, scared of what I would do to her. She looked at me like a little feeble twig that would literally break when touched. She just stated sorry... and just looked at me, and just looked, and suddenly she slowly and fearfully, observing me little with no noise, creeped into the corner of the sofa and sat near the edge, and I became scared, I became scared of what she too was scared of... myself.
"Hey... eehhh…" I tried to talk as I came closer, but she sat farther away as if stating to me, don't come near me. "The videos are not important... I, I..., understand..., I…." I was stuttering, I was speaking quietly, ending to something of a whisper. We were in the same room, but I felt her sliding so far away from me.
"Take me home," she stated, and hell, I felt sadness crowd on me, the saddest feeling, the feeling I had shoved to the side for many years, the loneliness, this loneliness... she had barely finished her food, she really…,
"Your food, finish..., finish at least first," I stated, being so very careful with my language, being very, very careful, as if any word I would say would be a dagger to the little girl. I would be damned, I would hate myself. She was of the same age as my sister, I wished nothing of the same for her... but she had really closed the line, she really had. And sometimes I just do not know, I just never knew what would become of me if someone dared peek through some things of my past. Even Luke knew, he never talked anything much about the past, he really never did... and if he did, it was all on 'haven't moved on' or 'have already dealt with her'.
"I want to go home," she stated again, and I knew, I knew... I knew she really wanted to go home, so I took the nearest stool to her, still keeping my space, and sat down. I needed to communicate, at least...
"I did not mean that... I don't know…" I really could not even explain myself with all these things I kept buried within me. I feared if I said much, someone would see the weakness in me, the vulnerability in me. I had taken every amount of time building myself not to dare let anyone make my walls crumble. I really...
"You yelled... because of some videos? Videos on your flash? It was you who placed the flash on the screen, if you wanted no one to access it, you should have just told me softly," she stated. Her voice was soft, and as if in fear, and she had all reasons to fear. But the last thing I needed was being looked at the way she was looking at me. She maybe pictured me as a manslaughter...
"Okay, I will take you home," I stated, ignoring everything she said about the videos. The last thing I needed was those videos, and the last thing I needed to remind myself of was those memories.
I took my car keys and opened the door, waiting for her to get out, as I saw some neighbors looking at me. 'Did I yell that loudly?' I found myself questioning, and shame appeared onto me. I felt the worst kind of shame, the one where you feel everyone judging you by the looks they gave. This neighborhood was full of women who loved rumor-mongering more than anything, and the apartments were no better off in keeping speech privacy, airing the rumors more and more. They always knew, they always knew a man who fucked his wife every night, they knew the screams of a lady who was always beaten by her husband, they knew the sound of children playing and the television talking... I never spoke to them anyway. Today was the day they maybe saw me full-time, most times I was always out and away.
"Aaliyah, I did not mean to do that," I stated again as I started the car, after making her feel comfortable with my presence. I feared she would insist on staying at the backseat, but she just sat at the front. "I really did not mean it..." I was hell apologizing like a madman, I really was, but it all seemed like I was talking to a dead person. She did not move, nor nod nor shake her head, she just sat there, watching me.
"Drop me near the gas station, Elvis cannot see you," she stated, and I just nodded.
"I'm sorry again," I stated after arriving near the station she stated and parked my car.., the drive was silent anyway.., but I wished I could apologize more…,. But she just looked at me. "… call me or text me when you arrive,…" I added, and dared not to hug her. I feared too...I feared that would be too much for her..,
I then added some gas into the car and left for my apartment... OR MAYBE I'D GO DRINK. I needed to clear my head.