'Work'... one thing I would literally drop anything for. It had been eight hours since my start of the shift. I had made sure every patient on my list was well catered for, in good health... not good really but in a more constant and not much heartbreaking state. Night shifts were a little bit quiet, except for emergencies. Today, there were barely any emergencies so my work was all done by midnight. All I did was help in filling reports of previously unfilled days and just wait for the night to end.
At work, I barely wanted to think of anything beyond work. I hated distractions.
"Your shift is over, doc," the nurse told me. It seemed I had slept a little bit.
"What's the time?" I asked.
"It's already five. Heung will be here soon," she stated. (Heung was the next doc after my shift) So, I nodded as I parked the files orderly and put them on the shelves as I left the small room…, cardio office, as it was always written with my name on it bolded, and in capital letters.., my second name, DOCTOR LEVY-JASON. The way my mother found the names, well I am not quite sure.
"How are the patients?" I asked the nurse.
"One of them left us... during delivery."
"During delivery?"
"Yeah... part of life, right? But on the positive side, we delivered ten babies tonight."
"Delightful," I stated as we both walked the lawn heading outside. It was always something we doctors experienced, life and death... we experienced them so easily. Once you become one, you realize how close the two realms are. One minute you may be talking to a patient, the next... he/she just could not fight anymore. Anyway, the positive part was, despite how many losses, what we aimed for were the positive outcomes. How many healed, discharged, successful deliveries, successful surgeries, those were all that mattered. Although deep down we wished things would have happened better for the others who left, but either way, it was their time to leave this realm of living and existence.
I dialed my phone, being outside after the nurse left, in search of Aaliyah. I hoped I was not waking her, or should I use the bus on my way home? It is five; she might be a deep sleeper, and the fact that she is still in college means that she might have other plans for the day other than being a chauffeur of bringing me the car. So instead, I just searched for an Uber and called for it. It would take some hours or minutes to my apartment.
"Take a right after the billboard," I told the driver, giving a little guideline on my residential area. He had arrived luckily faster; I did not have to wait for him…, back in the hospital.
Anyway, he parked the car right on the entrance area, as I paid him an extra bill and then waved him goodbye as I entered the gates, heading towards the elevator to my apartment.
In the morning, few people were awake. Maybe showers were only things being heard, as parents prepared their children to head to school. Before checking for my keys, I quickly slipped off my shoes and loosened my now choking tie. Then I opened my bag, picked up my keys, and as I tried opening the door, it seemed someone was inside.
"Luke never had a key to this apartment," I thought to myself. So, I made the loudest knock that would wake the random person inside. My thoughts revolved around someone breaking into my door, maybe a thief or someone.
After a few minutes, checking my watch as I had fully removed my tie and opened the topmost button of my shirt, I felt the door hinge click and then fly open. I anxiously waited for the person behind that door.
"Zen..." the voice started, and I literally wondered how this girl had found my key, how she entered this room, and who gave her access to come in whenever she wanted.
"Zen... I thought you would call," Aaliyah added, making way for me to enter.
At that moment, I was wondering what she was thinking being here. I did not give her any spare key... or did I? I never told her where I placed my spare key... or did I? I was the type who never really embraced company nowadays, I barely even told people where I lived, but since she was here... well...
"How long have you been..." I asked, pointing at the apartment. She seemed to be sleeping, wearing a plain t-shirt. It was mine; I did not have to look at it much. A girl I knew loved wearing it when doing chores, so I just looked at her, scanning her from top to bottom. Thank God I was not in my feelings; I would literally burn her for wearing this t-shirt. But after that day's argument, I seemed to have more fear in the words I say. So, I decided to ignore the fact that she wore it, but I needed her to change it. I was not in my dark days at the moment.., and I was in no mood, to switch my mood, but I really needed her to change it, but it looked good on her anyway.., but I…,
"I helped myself with this," she added. "You seem to have a lot of clothes scattered everywhere."
"Okay," I just stated. Of course, I wanted to say a lot of things, like change into something else, or better yet, I think that t-shirt doesn't suit you. But I was really tired and just needed some sleep. Maybe when I wake, she will not have the t-shirt. Additionally, I needed to apologize for my anger that day, or maybe she had forgotten about it, but I really needed to.
"You seem tired," she stated. "And I watched those movies... the videos you did not want me to watch. You seemed to have them open when I came in and hide your spare keys better... on the window? Really?"
"You watched the videos?" I asked, now looking at her, bloodshot. I wanted so much to hide my emotions, but those videos carried more than just my emotions; they carried a side of me.
"...and Elvis left with the car, though he shall bring it back."
"Elvis accepted you to be here?" I asked, now with two questions pending for an answer, but I needed her to answer the first one real fast. I just needed her to really answer.
"Yes, I told him we were hanging out..."
"Hanging out?"
"Yes, he was a little bit mad, which is why he left with your car. He stated he will return it, though," she stated.
"Aaliyah..." I wanted to talk, but my brain was really blank. It was in the morning, I had a full night of working. I just could not form words, but my expression sure meant that I was not in approval of this.
"Don't worry, I will not tell Elvis about that day," she added, and I felt myself helpless again as I scratched the back of my head. I was still standing, and she sat on my couch. My tie was in my hand, my backpack already on the floor, and my shirt a little bit unbuttoned open. I was still decent; I maybe looked like a millionaire.
"Aaliyah..." I started, but she interrupted.
"It's okay. I know how sorry you feel. I will deal with brother," she stated, and I just observed her.
"Aaliyah, at least..." I wanted to say something, even though my mind was clearly telling me, "Hayzen, say something, this is not good," but I could not form words. I just couldn't. I wished she would know what... I just... I just looked at her and entered my room after stating, "let me have some sleep, we will talk."
I did unbutton my shirt fully, right after entering the room, and locking the door.., note locking, but it seemed heavy to even remove. My pants were tight, the belt making them tighter, but I just laid my head buried on this pillow as my thoughts revolved around the girl that was in my living room, as I heard her watch some Netflix movie.
I hate that she watched the videos. I was scared she watched them. I was really scared. It's like someone reading your diary or someone unauthorized reading your intimate text messages to the whole classroom or to a bunch of friends.
As if that was all, second, she was here, 'hanging out,' she stated. 'Hanging out.' Elvis would never forgive me if I hurt the girl. He surely would kill me.
Elvis knew not much about me, especially the large scale that I had my pretty fair life with women of different textures, but being with them honestly gave me no sense of feeling. They just made me feel worthless more often. And now that I had decided to just focus on work and life, Aaliyah is here, 'hanging out.' The word repeated.
What am I to do?
What if she really falls in love?
What if she...?
Many questions encompassed me.
I was, of course, lonely, and feelings of being with someone never failed to embrace me. They, of course, invaded me—the feeling of being alone and not having a sensual feeling with someone. They did come. But I was scared of being really in the moment, being really in the mud of love, being really in the pool of having someone calling you lovey-dovey names. I was afraid of it more than my little sister, who always screams loudest when she sees a cockroach, or better yet, my younger cousin, who always cries while being chased by a hen, the lamest and most harmless of animals. I was afraid.
So I breathed in and out as my heart contemplated the rhythm with the airs that filled in.
Until I lay my head to rest.
Maybe dreams would be better off.
I never had the greatest of dreams; all I dreamt of was being in the dark alone, or
fighting things I can't see,
or being chased by a faceless being.
They were never pretty dreams.
That's the reason why I always took night shifts;
it was better off being chased during the day.
It was better off…