Chapter 5: My First Time
"Jocelyn, your friend is outside," her mom said. She pointed to the backyard. I could see him through the glass. A white guy with a black beard and a wannabe-biker look about him, with a stupid long chain hanging from his belt loop. He was vaping thick clouds of smoke into the air with a conceited aura.
"What the fuck," Jocelyn said.
"Hey! Watch your mouth!"
"My bad, my bad. I'll get rid of him." Jocelyn threw up her hands and walked to the backyard. I followed behind her for two reasons: who was this guy trying to move in on my potential queen, and I didn't want to be left alone with Jocelyn's mom who clearly despised me.
"Hey Joccy!" the guy said with a 'stoner voice'. He reached for a hug. 'Joccy' put her palm in the air to stop him in his tracks.
"Alright alright," the guy dropped his arms. He acted like I wasn't there. He took a hit of his vape. Jocelyn crossed her arms and leaned on one leg, gritting her teeth as she narrowed her eyes at the uninvited guest. He must have been intimidated because he finally acknowledged my existence.
"Sup man, I'm Zack," he reached his fist out. I almost bumped it, just to be friendly, but I didn't want to ruin my chances with Jocelyn. I left him hanging.
"Come on, man. Here, you wanna hit this?" Zack offered his vape to me.
"What, your douche flute? No thanks?" I thought I sounded a little stupid right after saying it, but Jocelyn burst out laughing. If she was drinking water, it would have sprayed out her mouth!
"Fuck you, asshole," Zack said, clenching his fist.
Jocelyn stepped in-between us, still laughing, trying to hold it together… "Whoo, that was good… Listen, Zack, you need to leave. Now. I don't even know why the fuck you're here. I told you it's over. Get. Lost."
"Well I stopped by like 1am, I didn't see you at the party."
"Yeah, she was with me—"
"Shut up, Kashi. Zack, what the fuck? I said never to come back. Ever. Leave, now, before I lose my shit."
Zack stared at Jocelyn, then he sized me up. I prepared for a fight. I had taken taekwondo classes as a teen and was exceptionally good at it. Asians are naturally predisposed to be skilled at fighting. I almost wanted Zack to step to me, just to show off for Jocelyn… He closed the distance, invading my personal bubble, gayly putting his face close to mine, then continued walking past me. He hopped the fence and was gone.
"Sorry about that."
"No, it's cool. I hope I helped a little."
"Oh yeah, that was hilarious. He probably wouldn't have left if it was just me. Thank you, kitty Katz."
I smiled at the nickname.
We went back inside. Her mom started ranting and screaming about how she's sick of this happening. How the fuck did he even get back there? This has gone on long enough! Stuff like that. I studied Jocelyn's reactions. Her mom continued ranting as we stepped out the front door…
"Don't worry about her, she'll forget about it in an hour. Probably getting drunk with her boyfriend. Got any ideas to kill the time?"
"Uh, we can stop by my place? I need to grab my clothes—"
"Say less."
My house was pretty big compared to the studio apartments I grew up in. It had a garage, three bedrooms and two bathrooms. Not so bad! I had no idea how Stormy secured the housing deal; all I had to worry about was giving her my $1000 a month. Jocelyn shadowed to my room. I felt proud showing off my living arrangements, despite being unfamiliar with the house myself.
"Woah, I love the decorations." Jocelyn kicked a box in my room. She picked up a camping chair from the wall and made herself a seating area while I rummaged through boxes for some fresh clothes. Jocelyn got on her phone, and I gave her the wifi password.
"I'll just uh, change in the bathroom?"
Jocelyn pointed her lips toward the door. I wanted to take a shower, but a 'truckers stop' was all I had time for. 'Bird bath' is another name for it. Simply, a quick wash in the sink, as best as you can.
I splashed my face and overheard a female voice muffled through the door… Two female voices? I sped up my pace and stepped out.
Stormy was standing in the doorway to my room and talking to Jocelyn. She turned her head toward me and her smile transformed into a textbook stink eye. She turned her attention back to Jocelyn and brought back the smile.
"It was nice catching up with you," Stormy gave a hug to Jocelyn. "Do you mind if I talk to Kashi for a moment?"
"Go for it."
Stormy sighed, turned off the bathroom light I left on and closed the door so the cat wouldn't get inside. We walked into the disorganized living room to get some verbal distance from Jocelyn. Two couches, a load of boxes, and the bird-cage housing Dusty the cockatoo.
"Hi, Dusty!" the cockatoo would say to herself. Other phrases she repeated were 'I love you!' and 'Hello!'. She was so adorable and sometimes, Stormy suspected that Dusty loved me more than her. She loved perching on my head and clawing my hair. I'm the queen of the world! Such a happy bird.
"You said you'd help me last night," Stormy whispered while playing with her fingers. She was not one for confrontation, but she was clearly distraught.
"Yeah, sorry about that, Jocelyn invited me to her birthday party."
"I would've liked to go…"
"Uh, sorry. I'll invite you next time, ok?"
Stormy pursed her lips, still not looking in my eyes.
"And I promise to help you with the house… Tonight, alright?"
"It's not just that. I was worried about you," she replied, her cheeks blushing.
"I'm sorry, Stormy. I'll remember next time."
She finally met my gaze. We stared for a while. She seemed to have more to say…
"Ok. Thank you." She touched the wall and looked at me one last time with a sad smile before going to her room. She paused at the sight of Jocelyn leaning in the hallway, clearly listening in on our conversation. Stormy walked past with her head down and shut her bedroom door.
Jocelyn came from around the corner with three slow claps. "What. A. Show."
"Let's just go…" I walked to the door.
"Jeez, lighten up."
We got in her Mustang. "She seemed a little butthurt, didn't she?"
"Yeah…"
"Maybe… she likes you?"
I was appalled. "No, she's gay, remember?"
Jocelyn laughed like she knew otherwise. We drove back to her place. I was quiet the whole way. We stopped in front of her mansion. She shut off the car.
"Where are you, Kashi?"
Your car, Earth, limbo, hell… A mechanized vehicular… "Thinking about my regret," I confessed.
"Huh? Regret about what?" Jocelyn pulled out a parliament and sparked it.
"Being a bad friend. You heard what she said, she was worried about me… I should have—"
"Ok ok ok… Listen," she turned sideways in her seat, sitting atop her thigh. "I get it, you've been friends for a while, blah blah blah, that's all BULLSHIT!" Jocelyn screamed in my face. My whole body shook. Her face was in mine, steaming with rage… She pointed her lit cigarette at me. "Do you understand me?!"
"Yes," I said. I didn't. I was just afraid of her yelling again, and I wanted that scolding look to change back to the pretty smile… I think she sensed my fear. She backed away, still heated and shaking her head with exhalations of smoke.
"You are your own fucking person. Yeah, she's your buddy. But you're not her pet…" Jocelyn looked at me with a scowl. "You're mine."
I started to blush… Her scowl twisted into a grin. I didn't know how to feel. Good or scared? She started cackling, throwing her head back into the headrest.
"I kid, I kid… Listen… I don't like seeing you upset. That's not the Kashi I know, always cracking jokes and shit. Next time, tell her that shit happens, deal with it, BITCH! Alright?"
There was no way I could say that to Stormy, but I nodded my head.
"Say. Yes. Or no. I don't give a fuck. Speak!"
I flinched again, accidentally dropping some of my cigarette ash onto my lap. "Yes! I understand…"
"Good boy. How's your head feel?" Jocelyn's demeanor switched abruptly, back and forth… I had been so on edge by her personality shifts that I forgot about my hangover.
"It feels better now."
"Good," she flicked her dead stogie into the driveway. I followed, flicking mine into the same area.
I followed Jocelyn up the spiral stairs. There were two living rooms—one downstairs and one upstairs. We sat on the couch on the second floor and watched the newest Batman movie on DVD, 'The Dark Knight Rises'. I wasn't paying much attention, but Jocelyn seemed to love the guy who played Joker. At the halfway point, she took off her socks and put her bare feet in my lap. They were lightly damp… Her feet always seemed to get sweaty and had lint residue on it. She caught me staring. Her cunning smile underneath those blue eyes radiated something devious…
She sat on top of me. I turned my head all around, nervous about her mom or brother seeing us, but she grabbed my chin and forced me to look in her eyes.
"You're a virgin, aren't you?" she whispered.
I was terrified. She seemed to feed off my fear and read my mind like a scroll…
"I fucking knew it," she growled in my ear. I was trembling.
"Do you want me?"
I nodded my head, but she put her fingers back on my chin and squeezed hard.
"Yes," I whispered.
"Are you sure? You want me to be your first?"
"Yes," I replied. How could I say no to her? She was… intoxicating…
We stood up. She led me by the hand to her bedroom, pulling my fingers like a leash. She turned on her speaker, playing some cringy boy-band metal as background noise…
I was on my knees, head between her thighs for what felt like hours as she pulled out clumps of my hair. The actual 'bed-business' part did not last very long. I apologized profusely. She said it's ok.
I lay there naked, shaking as she held me… I felt born anew, but also terribly vulnerable and weak and emotional. She cooed in my ear, whispering soothing praises, a rare side of her… I think she could tell how much this meant to me. How much of myself I had given away to her. A look of pride stretched across her face as she looked down at me, a satisfaction at taking something I could never give to anyone else, not anymore…