Chapter 11: Serotonin Push
Molly removed impulse control and seemingly opened up locked neural pathways in the brain. Expressions of love, gratuity and camaraderie filled the conversations of the party. Everyone was transparent with their feelings and spoke of their hopes and dreams for the future without any fear of judgment from others. It was beautiful.
Red was giving Isaiah a neck and shoulder massage, claiming it was an MDMA thing called a serotonin push. I thought it was tomfoolery and she was just flirting but making excuses. Red offered Jocelyn one of these serotonin pushes. Jocelyn took off her shirt. Her bra was glowing in the blue light. Red kneaded shoulders and neck caused Jocelyn to moan softly. Afterward, Jocelyn gave one to Red, and Sarah gave one to me. I wished it was Jocelyn giving me the massage, but I let it go.
Either a hippie thing or scientific, I don't know; but it did feel amazing. I felt like Sarah was allowing the drugs a better circulation throughout my body, breaking apart the resistance in my muscles to allow my drug-filled blood to flow more easily.
Me and Jocelyn wanted some alone time, so we went outside to smoke a stogie. We were mutually quiet as we enjoyed looking at the sky. The rest of the world was waking up, preparing to go about their days… Meanwhile, we were living life to the maximum. I reflected on how drastically my life had changed in the little time I've known Jocelyn. Apparently, she never partied this much either, not until we got together. Just drinking and smoking weed, but never stuff like this.
We agreed that moving forward, this was how we wanted to live our lives together. Fuck mediocrity and being safe and secure. Safe is boring. We wanted to feel the rush of chemicals in our blood. We wanted to fill our lungs with smoke. We weren't junkies and we continually said this. We were enlightened young people, mastering our highs and enjoying our short time on this planet.
"Hey, Kashi… I never told you this. But I texted Brad that day we ran out of stuff."
I felt like gagging, but not from what she just said. The concoction of drugs was making me feel woozy… I still felt amazing, high as an asteroid belt, but my internal organs were screaming… My silence seemed to make her concerned. I was not jealous. I already knew she did not do anything with him. She would never hurt me like that.
"I… I'm sorry… I just wanted more for us later. He called me. Told me he had some, but it was his 'personal stash'. He said he'd only share if me and him…" Jocelyn looked away from me. I had never seen her so vulnerable.
I was quiet, letting my internal organs relax. She looked me in the eyes. "Are you mad?"
"No."
She started to cry.
"I told him to fuck off… But still… I'm sorry I went behind your back. It was stupid. And I don't want to be like that, you know? Fuck… Look at me…" Jocelyn began laughing cynically at herself, wiping her eyes with her palms. I scooted closer to her and told her I loved her. That was enough. She set her head on my shoulder…
"I always fuck up my relationships. I'm sure you know what I mean. I want this to be different, you and me… Being with you is so fun. I feel so… powerful… and accepted…"
I listened to her until the sun came up. Time seemed to be at warp speed…
"I have to be at the chapel at 9."
"Can you call in? Say you're sick?"
In the past I would never do such a thing; it was incredibly difficult to get a role at the theater. I had been working my ass off for it… But Jocelyn's pouty eyes carried enough influence to…
I pulled out my phone and sent a text message to Stormy. Sorry, can't make it… Feeling sick… Blah blah blah. I sent it then turned off my phone, too afraid for the response.
Sarah appeared beside us. "Hey, you guys want some jack?"
"Jack?" Jocelyn looked at me.
"Yeah, Jack In The Box."
"Ohhh!" me and Jocelyn both laughed. "We thought you meant Jack, like, Daniels."
"I mean, we got some of that too if you want…"
"No, no," Jocelyn said, looking at my inebriated physique, then back to Sarah. "I think we're good." She made an 'ok' symbol with her hand.
Most of the calvary stayed back at the apartment while me, Sarah and Jocelyn ordered $50 worth of $1 tacos. The employees who had to make our food were pissed off, along with the customers stuck behind us in the drive-through because Jocelyn refused to wait in the parking lot. She giggled mischievously, knowing just how much of a menace she was.
Barely any tacos were eaten. The party-goers departed one-by-one, still high as balls, yet on a steady maintenance level. Me and Jocelyn were getting ready to leave together.
"Ay if you need a plug I gotchu," Darvonte said.
"Aight mane, thanks." We slapped palms and gave hugs to Sarah and left.
The sunrise was a little too bright for us to handle. Jocelyn put on some shades and let me wear her backup pair, oversized and girly. I didn't give a fuck. She laughed. We snuck inside her house, hoping that her mom and brother weren't up yet. We were in the clear and back in her pink room.
2 hours later the drugs were leaking out of our bloodstream. Sarah's claim that we'd be rolling 'all day' was a bit of a fib. Yes, we were still a little bit high, but it was painful. Perhaps it was from the previous nights of partying and our brains were fried…
I turned on my phone. No response from Stormy. Jocelyn surprisingly passed out. I laid on her pink carpet and utilized one of her journals to write. Despite my physical fatigue, ideas were streaming into my mind, so much that I was afraid I'd forget it all. I jotted down everything in a messy stream of word vomit.
I always had the idea to write a production of two astronauts falling in love in deep space. Two separate space stations interlinked, maybe a power grid shut-down. The two astronauts have to overcome obstacles to see each other. Maybe they'd perish in the end? No… I never liked bad endings. I love dystopias, except for the depressing outcomes…
I got absorbed in the pen and paper for hours. Eventually I got stuck and Jocelyn's nagging voice saved me from my writer's block. She asked me to get her a glass of water. That's when I noticed my mouth was dry too… Actually, there were chunks of flesh sitting on my sandpaper tongue…
Her mom was downstairs. Fuck. I turned around and paused outside of Jocelyn's pink door. I certainly couldn't go back empty handed. I had to prove my worth. Fuck!
"Hello," I said to her mother sitting at the kitchen counter. I poured two glasses of water as her eyes pierced daggers into me…
"Tell Jocelyn to come downstairs," her mom said.
Fuck. "Ok."
"Fuck that," Jocelyn replied when I told her… After about 20 seconds she groaned and reluctantly obeyed her mother, voicing her annoyance with each step, including a slamming of her bedroom door.
I moved my tongue around my mouth, trying to pass the moisture to every crevice. My mouth was painfully sore. The interior lights of Jocelyn's room began to dim back to normal, but not quite all the way. My body still felt waves of euphoria, but it was more like small chills and shivers down my spine. I wondered if a serotonin push would give me a few dribbles more…
Jocelyn opened the door. She looked terribly upset, her eyes downcast…
"Kashi, I'm sorry but my mom's being a bitch and wants you out…"
I stood up and gathered my belongings. Jocelyn started giggling and shut the door.
"Wow, you're obedient! You're staying. I don't give a shit what she says."
I sat on her bed, confused, forcing a laugh… She pushed me onto my back and my body sank deep into her pink blankets. It felt like I was dropping deep, level after level into another dimension as she rested her full weight on me, looking at me like a piece of property that she owned.