"I'm looking forward to your next show," Jocelyn said.
"You're gonna go?"
"Yup. Stormy gave me the date. I'll be there."
Another incentive to do better. The theater production was something I strived to continue after high school. I had gotten a role in the local theater with the help of Stormy. She was also part of the show. If all this never happened with Jocelyn, I would likely be at home practicing with Stormy, or reciting monologues in the mirror. It kept me productive and quenched that creative yearning I had. I was even working on a play myself, but I had been working on it for years at this point, at least in my head…
"Can you recite some lines for me?"
"Really?" I did not take Jocelyn for an artsy type of person. She seemed so rebellious, more into punk-rock shit. I imagined her in high school being the girl that skipped class to smoke cigarettes outside the fence-line. Apparently she dropped out freshman year.
"Please?" she spoke softly. She was never this sweet to anyone. I almost couldn't recognize her.
I put on my pants and recited a monologue from Midsummer Nights Dream, playing the role of Demetrius. I had repeated these words so many times, yet those self-conscious thoughts still dribbled in. Through practice I was able to push them out, but normally they were not so rampant… Jocelyn sat with her legs crossed, never taking her eyes off me for a second.
"Whoo! Hell yeah!" Jocelyn started clapping. I felt so proud that I did a curtsy.
"Why thank you, thank you very much," I said with exaggerated smugness.
"A performance like that," Jocelyn uncrossed her legs and stood up, "calls for a celebration!"
We made our way to her kitchen and she snuck out a few beers for us. We sat in her backyard and dipped our feet in the pool while smoking Parliaments. It was barely 6pm and I was not used to drinking this much. Jocelyn understood and didn't force-feed me drinks this time, but she did routinely check my bottle and told me to stop 'baby-sitting' my beer.
7:10pm — 12 bottles deep, 4 from me
The moon made Jocelyn's pale skin glow like a vampire. I had been listening to her rant and curse about anything and everything. It was entertaining to see her get riled up. I don't even know how many cigarettes we smoked; it seemed Jocelyn had an infinite supply.
"Oh shit, I forgot what day it was! First Friday!" Jocelyn got up and collected all our empty beer bottles. She tossed them into the neighbors yard. One of them shattered. I followed her out to the car.
"Uh… We're driving?"
"No, I'm driving. Do you even have your license?" Jocelyn teased.
"I do… But it's not that—we've been drinking…"
Jocelyn's demeanor switched and my heart stopped. My intuition was beginning to sync with her mood-shifts… I gulped as she stepped toward me silently, her eyes narrow and lips tight…
"Don't be a little bitch."
"Jocelyn…"
"Jocelyn!" she mocked, adding a whiny tone. She threw her finger toward the vehicle. "Get in the fucking car!" I flinched again and was hoping to see that smile show up, ha-ha, just kidding!...
She crossed her arms, her eyebrows sharp as she watched me obediently climb into the passenger seat. Once I shut the door, she got into the driver's seat. I really did not like when she was so mean… When she was joking around, it was ok, but sometimes she could be so cruel. My eyes were down at my shoes. She looked at me and scoffed as she turned on the car and sped out of the neighborhood with a lit cigarette in her mouth.
Massive clouds of people filled the sidewalks while bumper-to-bumper traffic littered the roads with the occasional honking horn and road-rage yells. We passed by street performers looking to make a quick buck, street-preachers and art exhibitions.
"My favorite's the beat-boxers," Jocelyn said. I wanted to hold her hand but I was afraid of her and did not know what our relationship even was. I knew if I stayed quiet too long she might get mad again, so I tried my best to appear happy. I was happy to be with her, but… I had this strange feeling that I cannot describe. Unsettled? Hurt? Afraid? Uneasy…
We grabbed some espresso shots so our bodies could keep up with our excited minds. The alcohol was beginning to wear off, but the nicotine buzz was forever as we kept chain-smoking Parliaments.
I was looking at her hand, those pink fingernails… I surprised myself when I timidly reached out to grab her fingers. She stopped in her tracks to look down at me, the people behind nearly bumping into us as they swerved around. Her indiscernible expression formed to a soft smirk. She clutched my hand tight and pulled me along with her. I was happy again.
We stopped to watch a dude on a unicycle juggling sticks on fire. We tossed him a few bucks and continued down the street.
"Yo, Jocelyn!" a dude called from behind us. It was some buff guy in a tiny wife-beater.
"Hey, Brad! Been a while!" Brad jogged up and hugged her.
"Who's this?" Brad said, looking at me with disgust.
Jocelyn wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me tight. "This is my boyfriend. Introduce yourself," she said to me like a child. I was overwhelmed by the title… Boyfriend and girlfriend? My heart was fluttering.
"Kashi. Nice to meet you, Brad." We shook hands. Envy was strewn across his face. Me, dating Jocelyn? She was taller than me, prettier and way cooler than I could ever attempt to be. Yet she wanted me for some reason… I hit the jackpot, what can I say?
"Nice to meet you bro," Brad said, trying to conceal his jealousy.
"So who you with? Where's Lacey?"
"Ahh she's at the crib. I'm just out here… doing my rounds, you feel me?" Brad rubbed his palms together, looking around suspiciously. "Do you want some?"
Jocelyn raised her eyebrow. "Some…?"
"Yay. You know. Tony?"
"Yay? Tony? The fuck are you talking about?"
Brad shook his head and leaned closed to Jocelyn's ear, but not enough to be intimate. "Cocaine," he whispered.
I felt my adrenaline spike and wanted to push this guy away. Fuck no we don't want that shit! But Jocelyn had that look on her face…
"I've never done it before. Have you, Kashi?"
I shook my head.
"Really?" Brad said. "Aight well, first one's on me. Come on, my cars this way. You too buddy, I got you," he pointed to me and winked. I was not interested at all… I always told myself I would never stoop so low to do drugs, who the fuck does that? Only stupid people. What a waste of time! But Jocelyn held my hand and pulled me as we followed Brad… I wanted so desperately to let go and speak my mind, try to talk her out of it, but she was walking so fast…
We were in a sketchy parking lot with barely any lighting. I suspected we were about to get jumped as I kept my head on a swivel and my feet light on the ground. We were in a dirt lot surrounded by a chain-link fence. On the other side of the fence was an abandoned house.
"I throw parties there sometimes," Brad pointed at the building as he unlocked his car. Me and Jocelyn got in the backseat together. Jocelyn pulled out a cigarette and sparked one up without even asking if it was ok to smoke in his car. I always loved how bold she was.
"Yo, Parliaments?! Mind if I get one? I wanna show you a trick."
"Sure." Jocelyn gave him one. She gave me one too and sparked the lighter for me. She reached her arm over to spark the flame for Brad, but he waved his hand. We figured he was going to pull his own lighter, but instead he grabbed a tiny clear binder from his glove-box. It was the vehicle manual. Inside one of the flaps he took out a thick plastic baggie filled with white powder.
My heartbeat was pulsing in my ears. Jocelyn remained neutral. I could never tell what was going on in her mind…
Brad took the lone Parliament from his ear and dipped the recessed filter in the white baggie, turning it into a makeshift scoop. He filled the hollowed filter with the snow. He checked if we were watching. He plugged his left nostril and put his nose to the filter and sniffed the powder. He leaned his head back and forcibly inhaled through his nostrils a few times to get everything inside.
"Oh, ffffffuck, that's good… Who's next?" Brad dipped the filter-end of the Parliament back into the bag.
"Me," Jocelyn raised her hand. She grabbed the upside-down cigarette.
"You plug one nose. Make sure you hold your breath before you sniff or you might spray some of the stuff on accident," Brad said, speaking fast and intense. Jocelyn nodded and plugged her nose and inhaled the cocaine. She moved her neck side-to-side with her mouth open like she was in pain or pleasure, perhaps both. Her breathing rapidly increased as her breasts rose and fell.
"Kashi. Do it now. You HAVE to try this." She handed the Parliament back to Brad. "Holy shit. You need to do it. Hurry the FUCK up, Brad!" Jocelyn's eyes were huge. It was scary, but Brad just laughed.
"Atta-girl," he said. I hated that but let it slide…
I didn't want to do these stupid drugs, but it was far too late… I can only imagine how harsh Jocelyn would be if I refused at this point. Brad filled the recessed filter past the brim. It was a bigger bump than his or Jocelyn's. It looked like a mountain-peak of powder.
"This is gonna be a big bump, bro."
"Oh my God! I feel like fucking running! Brad, hurry the fuck up! Damn!" Jocelyn said. She raised her leg like she wanted to kick the back of his seat but refrained.
Brad looked awkward, even with those buggy eyes. "I know it's your first time Jocelyn but you gotta chill out." Brad looked around outside the car.
"Chill out? Why the FUCK would IIIII," she prolonged her 'I' while leaning her head forward like a bird. She started laughing.
Brad was shocked. He knew Jocelyn was a bit off-the-rails. But she was straight-up screaming in the car. I was concerned, but no time for that; Brad shook his head and handed me the Parliament.
I steadied my grip, plugged one nose and dove in…
I had the same reaction as Jocelyn; my face twisted with pain and I coulda swore I felt the powder travel down the sides of my neck…
"Wooaah.. Wa wa wee waa…" I said stupidly as I tilted my neck side-to-side.
Jocelyn got on her knees in the backseat and leaned into my ear, "Do you feel that baby? Holy shit! Do you feel it?!"
"Oh fuck… Fuck yeah…" I clenched every muscle in my body and yelled toward the ceiling, "WOOO!!!"
Jocelyn cackled and slapped her thighs. "How are you so fucking calm, Brad?!"
He took another bump, acting like it was no big deal. "I been doing it a while. It's just maintenance at this point. It's your first time so it's gonna be stronger for you."
I saw Jocelyn subtly moving her jaw back and forth like she was trying to pop it, then realized I was doing the same thing…
"That's called lock-jaw. You'll be popping your jaw all night long," Brad said. Me and Jocelyn took another bump.
"Alright, I'm ready to fucking RAGE!" Jocelyn opened the car door.
"Hold up!"
Jocelyn was halfway out the car. "What, brooo?!"
"Are you parked nearby? It's not safe to be out like this with all the cops around. I can drop you off."
Jocelyn shut the door. "Let's fucking go then!"
Me and Jocelyn were vibing in the backseat to the music. She leaned forward and turned the volume up to MAX. "Turn that shit up!"
She plopped back into the seat right next to me as we thrashed. Brad turned the music down a tad. He seemed to be getting sketched out by our behavior, but I was too fucked up to care. I felt like my eyes were bulging out of my skull and my teeth were grinding together nonstop. My eyes were glued to Jocelyn, entranced… I never felt such intensity before. It was so pleasurable it was scary.
"Before you go, here. For both of you." He handed Jocelyn a small baggie with a knot at the top filled with powder. "That should last you a bit."
"How much, bro?" I said, reaching for my wallet.
"Don't worry about it. Like I said, first time's on me."
I gave him a fist bump and Jocelyn did the same. We said goodbye and watched him drive off.
"Boom! Bam! Kill somebody!" Jocelyn said while doing kung-fu movements. I imitated her and Jocelyn giggled maniacally at my impersonation.
"We should wrestle!"
I looked at our surroundings. "Back home, yeah?"
Jocelyn gave me a high-five. "Fuck yeah!"
We got in her car. "I feel like king shit!"
"I feel like queen bitch!"
Jocelyn turned on the car and the radio to MAX. Every song felt magnified, more powerful, more intense. Every beat banged hard on our eardrums and vibrated through our bodies. To this day I still believe that some music is only meant to be listened to when under the influence.
"Oh, fuck! Stormy! I was supposed to help her tonight!" I punched my own thigh but did not feel it.
"Let's fucking go then!" Jocelyn said. She pulled the e-brake but stopped before pulling out. She looked at me with those lusty eyes, magnified with her large pupils… She grabbed my chin and licked my face from the chin all the way up the side of my face. Her tongue was dry and felt like sandpaper. She smiled devilishly at my reaction. I forgot all about Stormy, but Jocelyn was on a mission.
She backed up and we smashed into a parked car behind her. I thought I heard an alarm sound off, but it might have been my imagination. We sped off into the night, the music muffling our laughter.
"Did you see that shit?!"
"Duh," I replied, gazing at Jocelyn with reverence. She looked back at me and I didn't care that she wasn't watching the road. What's the worst that could happen?