It has been a long time, that i felt lost, clueless, but don't mistake me, i'm still the same...except i might see a light in the distance...It just started, that light is magnificient,Delightful, resplendid...
I might once again be mistaken, maybe this delightful thing i see as an exit door, might only be another hole where i will never be able to get out this time...I try to stay optimistic as much as i can, but people always prooved me i was right about those thoughts till now, so its hard to stay optimistic sometimes...
As intelligent as i can be, distinguishing between kindness and love is really hard, traumas are the reason to it...i attached myself really quickly, and misinterprete those two things very easily, which make me to certain eyes, naive, or attention seeker attitude, which might be true...
Loving someone is both easy and difficult, but if you create non existing scenarios in your head it can...no...It will destroy you for sure, cause your expectation are too high for the person you love...
But like i said, i might found that delightful, majestic light once again, but hey....I'm not expecting anything, last time i did, i fell really hard on the ground...it still hurt a little bit...but i moved on, who knows what that light may reserves to me...Will it light my heart again...or will it just absord the rest of light i have left in my heart...to be honest, i might imaginating things, it may also not be a light at all, maybe just a reflection of what i want for me...Will this make me selfish from wishing something positive in my life, a person where i can give my unconditional love to? A place where i can heal from my traumas? A place where i can be....Myself without fearing the possibility of loosing her because of who i am?...That's a real good question...Till now i never showed anyone who i really am, not even my parents knows who i am at 100%
I maybe have feelings for that person...but will i screw myself up again...Because this time...This will be hard specially to trust...is she gonna be patient or will she leave at my lowest like the last one...because each time i feel like i'm healing or starting to be better....It happens, They just stop trying to try to get me up of that hole, and they just let me fall to my misery once again...watching me from up there...
Each time it happens, i always see them in my head, walking away very slowly, forgeting about who i am, almost feels like....their memories were erased...
Am i ingnisificent to their eyes? Do they enjoy watching people suffer? Do they feel good to destroy someone's heart after they promised you they would not messed with it? So much questions that remained unanswered...