Here i am again...Writting, Emptying my mind...i wonder when i will no longer need to expose my insecurities...but anyway...till that day happen...if it happens too...
My relationship with people are genrally bad, wethere they hate me, or wether i'm not enough...but there is one person, who doing her hardest to understand me, and lately i feel...somehow at peace...but it only happens when she's around...otherwise most of the time i'm sad, stressed, done with life...like i said in the previous thoughts, I got a want to live and got a sense of why i should wake up, and i really need to thank her for that, even if i have to repeat it till i die...in a way i owe her my life, cause she added a big factor of difference in my life that makes it different everyday i wake up, breaking that loop that has been installed in my life for a long time already. And for this i really want to say Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart and soul...
Her value has no limit...at least to my eyes. People says no one can be perfect, i agree but she is an exception, She is majestic, beautiful, Her positive traits as her flaws are perfect to me...i really wished i could say that specific phrase to her, but i'm affraid that it might not end up anywhere...
-Does she already know?
Maybe...
-should we decide to do a move?
I don't know.
-Am you scared?
Yes a lot.
-About what?
Her reactions of course.
-Will you do something to change that fear? Yes i want.
-What's prevnting you to do so then?
...
-Ah i see, maybe try to go and tell her...
What if i fail?
-If you fail...There is no fail, you need to be more confident about youself, imagine just because you did not asked her makes you regrets what could had been a positive response.
But she does not love us
And how would you know that idiot?
My insecurities...my negative attitude
Let me tell you something, i am you and you are me, i think you know that, but think about it, what if she's waiting for you? Being negative is only gonna push her away, i think you already know that...
SHUT UP!!
...Your reaction tells me i touched a sensible cord Dodi...
...
I'm just scared that i might push her away if i ask her...and don't act like you don't know what we went through and how we react
I'm your heart part idiot, you are just letting your thoughts PUSHING ME AWAY WHEN I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!
You...you love her do you...
I do...
Tell me why...
There so many reasons to it, she is the one who looked at me when no one did, she's the one who helped me getting out of that hole i was in when everyone pretended to help me. EACH time i talk to her my heart pounds, i get butterflies, i'm always happy when she's around, she laugh at my stupid lame jokes, even tho i know i'm the most boring person to ever live on this planet, she looks at me like no one ever did from the begining of my life, She's the light to my darkness.
What about her physical attributes?
Her eyes who are as clear as the blue sky and the clesrest sea water and as beautiful as a sunset, her voice who is as beautiful as a goddess, when i hear her singing, i feel so much honoured of her presence, Her hairs, each time i look at them it remind me of the of sunset and the nature...
You did not mentioned her body...you don't love her body?
Stop being silly, you perfectly know if I'm interested by someone its not for their body that's not what i look at when i search for a partner, i look at their soul, their heart, and if you listened...i mentioned her eyes, which form part of the body, and no need to remind you that the body is a shell to protect the soul...nothing more than that...
Um, i see...So after what heard you clearly love her, but why are you not trying...
You perfectly know why...
That's the problem i don't know, i would not be asking that if i knew...
Rejection...you know how much i'm scared of that shit...
And i think there is no need to tell you that you are living in a world of yours creating your own happiness as long as you are not asking.
Whether i ask her or not...my world will still shatter when i will know her answer cause i already know it...
How is that possible...?
She...she isn't ready...
And how could you possibly know that?
You perfectly know how is that possible
And i think you are letting once again your bad thoughts taking the best of you...
...
You know i'm right don't you, your trauma are taking the best of you, and you are maybe indirectly pushing her away by acting like this...
I know she isn't ready...i just know it...and maybe she does not want me...just me...
Are you talking about what happened yesterday?
...
Dodi...
...
Dodi..
JUST SHUT IT!!! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M SUFFERING AS MUCH YOU DO!! MY TRAUMAS, MY FEARS, EACH TIME I LOVE SOMEONE PURELY...IT NEVER WENT BACK TO ME!! SO WHY WOULD SHE BE DIFFERENT!?
Dodi...i...i know you love her purely, but if you keep being like that...trust me...you will push her away for sure...
Don't act like you don't know what's going on! I love the situation i'm in, i can laugh, sing, go out with her...i'm happy!
Stop lying...you are perhaps happy like this, but your negatives thoughts will catch up to you just like they are right now...and you know it
PLEASE...j..ju...just shut up...what..if i tell her that, and then she starts to look at me differently, what if her smile dissapears, what if, what if...she stop being here for me...what if...she takes her distance from me cause of the guilt she will have from hurting me...
DODI...COME ON NOW!! STOP BEING LIKE THAT...BY PREVENTING HER FROM KNOWING YOUR TRUE FEELINGS SHE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO REALLY KNOW IF SHE DOES LOVE YOU OR NOT!! As i saw from your perspective, did you thought about the posibility that she might be just like you...questioning herself, fearing that you might go if she takes too much time...
Like i told you...i know she is not ready, i know it, you may try to convince me otherwise, but i already know the result...
I can't let you think like that, i'm sorry, you will need to ask her on your own, or i will do it for you whether you like it or not...i just can't let pass by an opportinity like this, we finally found someone who looks at us the way we always look at people, we finally found someone who accept us how we are, trying her best to encourage us to be a better person, maybe that was the only thing that we were waiting for...the piece that will make us start loving ourselves because she will be able to show us how she does see us! WAKE UP!
...Wake up you say, our life has been a nightmare and you godanm know how it was since you were with me in begining we went through horrible thing...
AND WE SURVIVED!! PLEASE DODI LISTEN!! WHY ARE YOU PREVENTING YOURSELF FROM THIS HAPPINESS?
I'm affraid to lose her...what i have now...her smile...the way she looks at me, don't make me repeat myself...
Please...i will not bare another missed opportunity because of your choice
You know how well since our mom betrayed the both of us, nothing will be the same anymore...
BUT SHE ISN'T YOUR MOM...THAT GIRL WE LOVE ISN'T AND WILL NEVER BE OUR MOM, SHE A BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC GIRL WHO LOOKS AT US THE WAY WE ALWAYS WISHED PEOPLE LOOK AT US...
Yea, i know...
And trust me with the love we have to give, she will be happy, look at how happy she is when she talks with us, she even told you that your presence was nice to her she will give a reason to love ourselves again, and you will do the same, so why?(i'm not stating the real reason of it, She knows what she told me, she will understand.)
...
...Please dodi, don't make us suffer again
DO YOU THINK I'M NOT TRYING? I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO NOT MAKE US SUFFER FOR THE PAST 8 YEARS, 8 FUCKING YEARS, i'm starting to be tired...i'm exhausted, i want a shoulder to lay my head on...
Then why don't you ask her if that could be possible
I can't be loved...my own mom can't love me
I'm sure she does dodi...i'm sure she...Doe-
NO!! SHE DOES NOT!! NOT ANYMORE, BE REAL...DO YOU THINK IF SHE LOVED US...SHE WOULD HAVE BETRAYED US...?
I...I...I...
But...b..but...maybe you are right, but the girl we love...she loves us...don't you think? Please let us believe in love again...
Did you ever thought that she's doing that just because she wants to be kind to us, because she's kind to everyone
From what i saw, she's not...she kind with the people she loves and that includes us...and don't act like you are not like this too, you know why she act like that...you two are similar...
I'm so...sorry, its just...i'm not used to kindness of people...and i don't make any difference between love and friendship...but i persist to say that the reponse will be negative
Don't you want to actually try to beleive that us, even with the tone of traumas we are living with...can be happy and be loved by her
People never loved us...stay focused
Maybe that's what we need to break...that focus is destroying us...
Maybe...but at least we are safe...
Safe? Are you kidding me? We are the most insecure being on this entire fucking universe...and honestly i'm sure its same for you...we both feel unsafe, what about we get someone on our side so we could rest when we are tired...
That...would be nice...bu-
NO! not again...you gave a positive response...don't change your mind but another question i have in mind
...go ahead...
To what extent you love her? What are you willing to put us through to protect the love we have for her
You have no idea...
Then tell me idiot
My life is precious because of her, almost feels like my life is her property...but i know she don't like that...but to what extent i love her?
To the point i will need to fight the entire human race...to protect her smile, her soul, her feelings, fight her fears, protect her happiness...i will do anything for her if she lets me do it...and of course show her how much she's worth to me...i mean to us, because i know you think the same...that's to what extent i'm willing to go for her, even if it means dying to save her...i would do it...
I knew you would respond that, you used the power and feelings i gave you...so now...are you willing to let us happy? And give all the love we have in stock that we never got to give properly?
Yes...i want..i want...i want it
Thank you...i know this will be difficult but we got this, i'm not letting you destroying yourself when we fall in love with someone, after all if you want love, you gotta give in something in return...your trust, your hopes, your dreams, your insecurities, your trauma responses...but most importantly, your love...
...
I know you understood...but thank you again for making that choice for us...even if she does not love us the same way we do...we will need to protect her no matter what...
Let our love for her giving us the strength we will need to protect her
From me and my entire being
We love you❤️
We love you❤️