Why...why everyone got to be happy around me, i feel like I'm the only one who is allergic to that shit, someday it goes well, and the rest of the time i have shitty days
I want to be happy like everybody else around me, but it feels like i can't, for some reasons, there is always that thing that comes back like a boomerang, and makes me sad again.
I want to quit everything, it has been a long time that i did not felt that...maybe...too long...Life gives me constant reality checks, and this time it feels like it hurts even more than i would like, like if something is containing me without knowing what it is...I do feel happy, but i wonder if sometimes I'm dreaming, and that i will wake up from that fake reality and get back to my crappy pathetic life, having no one to be around me anymore, alone, like in the past, like i always was.
Was this story a mistake, i don't know, and i don't wanna know, i just want to continue to live in my ass reality where i can finally pretend to be happy for the rest of my life...
I honestly don't fucking know what people find me good about me, i want people to tell me what i want to hear, but weirdly it turns out to not be satisfying as i imagined it...it sounds like tons of lies, even though this what i actually dreamed about, people telling me i have value, they care about me...and so on...but i was never convinced by it, weird isn't it? for someone who wants a perfect paradise and once he has it, he fucks up everything.
Giving up sound like a good idea, slowly retreating from all my relations i have whether they are positive or not...isolating myself till everyone forgets about me....even though it would not take long for them to forget me, no more stupid responsibilities, no drama, no anything, i would be able to set free, and finally go...people will maybe cry for a day, and then move on...that's what we all do....My brother will continue his studies, my dad will continue to live and from time to time, visit my grave get me some nice flowers, my mom would probably cry a lot more than the others and move on, my aunty will cry too, and then move on too, my cousins too, my whole freaking family would do that....My girlfriend, maybe cry, cry and cry again, and then move on too, she can't cry continuously, so she would probably finish her life alone, and still leave a peaceful life, meeting her fellow photographers and be happy again and eventually get into a relationship again, who knows. In fact everybody will become again happy, they just have different time lap of doing it
Why i did not actually did that Yet? That's a good fucking question, i wonder sometimes too, i probably don't deserve anyone's attention or love, i'm just like a kind of guy of makes everyone go slower, so yea...i don't bring that much to the world, so no a great loss either...probably would be better for everyone on this planet.
i don't know anymore, i really feel like life is trying to send me a message, that i should stop tying, stop fighting, and just admit defeat, i'm too tired right now, all i do is going well and then something make me take 1000 steps behind, not even at the start, but far more than this, and its exhausting to continue living like this.
I wanna live and die at the same time, people are happy and laugh more around others than me, so obviously i take that as hint, a fact, whatever how you want to interpret it.
I'm broken, yes, but beautifully broken, still alive, but i'm a beautiful person...i mean i think, not sure about that, feels like i just told a lie, but it does not matter, my whole life is a stupid lie, believing what people tells me, just to get a glimpse of happiness, a little one, is enough for me...
My girlfriend feels like a thousands of miles away from me...she always go there, or there, not that i mind it, but sometimes, i think i'm not the type of boyfriend she should have, i mean i'm broke as fuck, i can't go with her, and sometimes i feel like she's happier when i'm not with her.
Why i don't talk about it with her?
Simple, i'm scared to possibly hear the possible truth that she's actually better without me...even if i'm making scenarios in my head...i just can't help it
What makes me feel like that?
Easy, what she said to me that day still stuck in my mind, our relation is due to mere luck, and to me that does not sounds like she actually wanted to be with me, i may be wrong, but this is what i feel like, so yes of Course, i'm fucking scared that one day she finds someone better than me, for example someone with the same passion as her, photography, someone that she is able to share love and someone that can go with her, someone who is more mature than me or even worse, that she simply stop loving me, just out of boredom
Yes those are so many reasons why i'm sad, and afraid and doubts when she's away, cause i cannot see her, to protect her if she's in danger, i can't hear her voice or even see her face, to watch the tone and the expression she's using to see if she is mad, sad, anxious...in others words, i don't have any utility when she's away, and this makes me uneasy, i know how she lives her life and how much she need to accomplish her dreams fast, but....yea...anyway
I was and i am beautifully Broken, cause i don't even know if anyone wants me for who i am, a broken sad, depressed creature who sometimes want to give up...and is immature as fuck, and is terribly insecure inside...yea, that's who i am....pathetic isn't it? yea i know...i think the same too.
I envy everyone, who can make friends, and keep them close, cause aside my girlfriend and even with my girlfriend sometimes, i feel like i have absolutely no one by my side...I feel lonely, i want this to stop, i want to have people around me other than my family. But sometimes, i'm pretty sure i will never be worth their time, like common who wants a weight as a friend or boyfriend, that's astonishingly Stupid...
Like i said...I was beautifully broken since the start, and i am Beautifully broken now, the final question is:
Will i remain like that for the rest of my life?
I can't say...i hope not, but it is not great start...