Here i am again...for the fith time already, I know obviously for a fact that no one will actually read that...so yea...
But lately, i was feeling lost, and did not know what i should do or not, who was i able to talk to...till...She appeared, compared to all of the people i have seen in my life, not counting my familly, only people outide of that circle i just mentioned.
She is the rare person...the type of person that is kind, listens to you without complaining, always here for you...I was always affraid of people, but...i feel something i have never felt about others, i feel, confortable around her, Talking about myself around her, it suddenly becomes automatic even with the trust issues that i do have...
This week, was one of the most positive week i had this year, i...i can really say i'm happy when i'm with her, i tend to fake my emotions around everyone, but around her, i never felt the need to do so...i don't know if it even make sense...but that's how i feel...Her laugh is contagious, for the time i'm around her, my dark thoughts, my bad mood, they go away...She always brings a smile to my face.
Even tho my insecurities, are fighting against my happiness, i keep going and try to not let them make me unhappy again..I'm really scared, cause i might have done a mistake, which mistake you might wonder, um does not matter nobody gonna read it anyway...
i might not show it, but deep inside, i'm trying to not cry in front of her, i'm scared of what she might think about me if i do so...in fact i just wonder what she thinks about me, as a person...Maybe ahe just take me out of pity, or maybe not...i can't stop filling my head with all those negatives thoughts...but i can't help it...its just my Overthinking creating every possible pisibilities so that i don't get hurt, but till now i can't say it worked well to be honest
You want me to describe how she is? Huh if only you knew, She's the gentle sun after the storm that occurs inside me...She's the light to the dark room i stand in everyday, She's my hope, She's the kindest person i've ever talked to, She has one of the purest heart and soul i have ever seen, she's the one...i...Nah...i maybe do...but i'm sure its just my imagination and my heart who just creating my own happiness and try to foo me....i might be wrong after all...i don't even know what does she thinks about me...Who am i fooling? I'm trying to stay positive...but its hard
And again...i still find ways to torture myself hahahaha...what a pity, maybe my mother were right...i don't deserve to be loved...
I really wish those thoughts do not kill me inside...but everyday its the same thing
But i can say something positive, when i love someone...i do it purely, even if the person does not love me back, and i do eveything i can to make her happy...i dedicate myself to help them the best i can...to listen to them...
Because Love afterall...it also means being ready to suffer for your other half, not just when it suits you, you take care of them, you help them to become a better person without trying to change who they are...It also means accepting your other half with all its flaws not just the good side of the person you love...and most the important things, you need to love them for who they are, not for what they can give you...The relationship needs to be made around a few factors, Trust, Underatanding, Acceptance, And respecting the Private vital space of your partner.
unfortunately i see around me, that most of those factors lacks in the relationships i see...which is sad...I know i'm not perfect, but i actually try my best to put my other half in the most confortable way i can...
Well...i wonder if she will read it or even ask me to read it...If you read it and that you arrive here, Well Thank you very much ^^ it means a lot...but hey...i kinda feel shy that you read this...and very scared of your reactions
Will you block me, will you start to avoid me...will you start to ignore my future messages, Will you ghost me, will you tell me too...
So many Posibilities stuck to only 1 fear...So many...
Ah, but anyway...I'll see for myself ..
~Dodi