I love dimension-hopping.
There's nothing quite like the feeling-that moment!-when you first pop into another world. Their faces, that's always my favorite part. Those first five minutes when they try to figure out who-or what-you are. Then they try to deny. They try to rationalize you away, explain you as some...freak phenomenon, a product of science, the devil or something. Sometimes they like you, marvel as you aid them. Sometimes, they worship you like you're just that; a god. Those tend to be the awkward bits.
Other times they try to burn you.
A cult tried to the same to me, once. I can't quite remember the name of that place...ah, wait, now I do.
Silent Hill.
What they did to me was funny. I just laughed. What they tried to do to the same to a little girl-no one deserved that. So I undid it. And them. And then their world, followed by time, then the very fabric of reality itself. It was the first -and to date, only- universe I destroyed, a place so corrupt and twisted that it didn't deserve to exist.
Now it doesn't...
...and somehow, someway, when all was said and done, and that realm was nothing but atoms, I found I wasn't alone. In the end, I spared two individuals; two halves of the same soul. I adopted them both, not one, but TWO daughters. Two beings, one light and the other dark. I was still relatively new into my goodhood at the time, so I sealed them away, placed them in stasis in a pocket dimension until I could find some way to make them whole once again. Knowledge that I, alas, still lack.
I'm not fit to raise them, yet. Perhaps no one is.
Ah, but I digress.
From Star Wars to Halo, Pokemon and DC to beyond; I've just about seen and done it all...bar this world. I didn't stay long, last time. Wasn't much to see. But now...as I ponder this entry, I wonder why I waited so long to come here again. My eyes have seen the cosmos, beheld all manners of wonders, and yet, I find myself almost wishing for an end. Almost. Once I'm done here...that's it. Zip. Zilch. Nadda. Once I'm done here I won't have anywhere left to roam, no more mysteries to discover.
But that doesn't mean I won't have a little fun before I go.
After all, no one told me I couldn't "borrow" things from other dimensions and never return them. Ironically, Alessa, and her dark half-I simply call her Dalessa-are two of the more "gentle" souvenirs I have brought with me from my endless journey
Take Killa, for example; he's a fine pet I picked up from the twenty-third universe I visited. The last of his kind. He's a good boy!
A very good boy! Oh, and one more thing. Fear the drapes!
...FEAR THEM, I SAY!
(Presently...)
Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man, had just leaped feet first into hell.
All around him the air felt charged; the heavy crack of thunder still rolling heavily in his ears overhead. He suppose the weatherman had a right to be pissed at him, now. Because, he had, in classic Tony Stark fashion, just body-tackled a God into a forest. That was new, even for him. Even so, he knew better than to hesitate, even in this storm, especially with so many tress; long, pointy, branchy lightning rods jutting up around him just waiting for an errant bolt to hit.
Ah, but the bastard was already getting up again, and - oh, he didn't look happy...
"Do not touch me again." Thor growled.
"Then don't take my stuff." came the snarky reply. Seriously! What was it with this guy and taking his stuff? First he storms into the quinjet, knocks him
"You have no idea what you're dealing with."
Oh that was just too easy. Iron Man looked left, then he looked right.
"Um...Shakespeare in the park?" he waved an armored hand. "Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?"
An eye twitched. "This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice."
"He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then...
His faceplate clicked shut with a harsh clank.
...stay out of the way."
For a moment, it looked as though Thor would do just that. But Tony just had to get the last word in.
"Tourist."
Big.
Mistake.
No sooner had he spoken then the hammer flew.
By some miracle he was able to turn but even then, that only resulted in Mjolnir catching him square in the stomach, rather than behind. Slightly less ungraceful, but a humiliating defeat none the same. Momentum took over mercilessly, ripping the suit from its feet and launching him through a tree as though it were made of tinder. In the end, Tony Stark landed most ungracefully on his back, his body sprawled out amongst the broken branches. Behind the helm, his features tightened into a scowl as he assessed the damage.
"Okay Guess we're doing this the hard way."
In response, the Asgardian raised a hand and his hammer flew to his palm. Tony frowned, eyeing the stout weapon warily as it emitted sparks. He really didn't want to get hit with that again. No sir. But he wasn't about to take a hit like that lying down, either.
He was just preparing a witty retort when the third party came barreling in.
"DO! NOT! MOCKETH! THINE! DRAPES!"
That was all Stark had time for before an orange and black missile cannoned into him from out of nowhere and drop-kicked him across the forest. Thor couldn't help himself; despite the severity of the situation, despite the fact that a newcomer had literally appeared out of nowhere and launched Iron Man clear through three trees, it was simply too much to bear. The moment he saw those mismatching patches of orange armor dotted around the young man, he could no longer help himself.
He laughed.
"What garish thing is this? You dress like a fool."
The newcomer did not take kindly to that, no sir, he did not.
"You know, I am really sick and tired of people continually mocking my fashion sense!" Naruto snarled as he reached a gauntlet-clad hand over his back, drawing the massive zweihander upon a shoulder. "First Stripes did it, now you! You got something to say too, goldie-locks?" Now that massive tip swung towards Thor menacingly, its eye wide and wriggling. "You got something to say about the color orange, eh?! Do ya, punk?!" A dangerous smile lit those whiskered cheeks.
As it turned out, Thor did, in fact, have something to say.
"What foul weapon is that, man? I feel a sickening chill from thy arm."
Naruto grinned.
"Why don't you find out?"
He had to give the Gods of this realm some measure of credit-they certainly possessed splendid reflexes. At least Thor did. In the millisecond that it took him to bring his massive blade slashing downwards Thor had already parried, his hammer deflecting a weapon that had killed so many deities before him. Marvelous! The man might not be his peer in terms of physical strength, but he was quite durable. And he could certainly take...some...hits!
"You're quite strong! I'm enjoying this!"
Alas, the Asgardian wasn't done with the insults.
"What are you wearing?" he grunted as they traded bruising blows, Mjolnir ringing harshly against the fleshy steel of Soul Edge, the forest jarring with each collision of arm and leg. "Perhaps thou are a court jester? That last kick was most certainly a joke-ummph!" The next kick was certainly no joke; it caught him flat in the stomach and bent him double, melting his armor as though it were made of tinfoil. The breath rushed out of him in a dry wheeze and he lay there on his knees, gasping for air.
This didn't make any sense. Few, if any, in this realm were capable of causing him physical harm. The metal man had hurt him, certainly, but this...this was new.
Finally, he managed one word:
"What...?"
"No no no, don't get up on my account." It took everything Naruto had not to laugh outright. "Take your time. I can wait."
He did not wait.
Scarce had Thor started to rise than that flaming foot found his face, catapulting him backwards with a decisive crack. A blow like that would've killed a mortal man. The god of thunder merely grunted, spun, and righted himself almost immediately. A thin line of blood ran down that strong jaw, spat out promptly as he laid eyes upon the blazing limb. His counterattack was just as swift.
BA-KRANG!
Mjolnir descended with all its might, fully intent on wiping the irritating jester-in Thor's mind-from this plane of existence. This time it was not steel but leather that stopped the deadly crusher. Another boot flashed past the almighty hammer, concussing him in the head moments later. This time, he actually spit out a tooth. How had been kicked?! The blond was standing right in front of him, one leg currently deflecting Mjolnir and he'd needed the other to stand on, so...
"What sorcery is this?!"
"No sorcery. Just some Diable Jambe." The whisked warrior hummed happily, lowering his still smoldering legs. Was he floating? Thor balked. It seemed, as though he were. "Its French for Devil's Leg, in case you might be wondering. Nifty little trick I once learned from a shitty cook. Not that his cooking was shitty mind you, just...ah, hells, just forget it." His arms rose and fell in a helpless shrug. "Its obvious you have no idea what I'm trying to say."
"Begone with thee." Thor growled back, clamoring to his feet once more. "I've more important things to do than entertain a child!"
"Says the man who just got drop-kicked by this so-called "child" of yours." Naruto raised a leg. "Twice. C'mon, man! I haven't even used a quarter of my tricks, yet! At least make me work for a win!"
Now there was a wound the Asgardian could not ignore. A shot, right to his pride. He swung. Recklessly.
And Naruto headbutted him.
Hard.
Thor growled.
"T'was a lucky-
"Rasengan."
The attack was executed as flawlessly as it was abruptly, with "Naruto" gripping Thor's forearm just as the original erupted from the earth and smashed down into him from behind. With a roar he slammed the spiraling sphere into his adversary's unprotected flank; demolishing both doppleganger and asgardian both; launching them away in a destructive sphere of annihilation. Before long, it was a mere pinprick of light in the distance, small, and growing rapidly smaller still.
"First rule of being a god, mate!" Naruto called into the distance. "Expect the unexpected!"
There was a silence.
"Well," he sighed at last, conjuring himself a glass of ale from nothingness, "That's probably going to piss him off when he wakes up. Might as well enjoy a drink until he does."
From his cliffy perch, Loki cackled and clapped his hands together, delighting in the spectacle. "Brilliant! Well done!" he was practically beside himself with laughter. Naruto shot him an errant glance and, seeing no other combatants on the field at the moment, shrugged. Meh, what the hell. Not like he had anything better to do. A lone thought carried him from forest to cliff, his feet alighting effortlessly beside the bemused trickster. Loki merely glanced up at his arrival, calculating, assessing him.
"And what do we have here?" he mused darkly. "I've not seen your like before."
"Who are you supposed to be, chuckles? Shouldn't you be down there, helping your friend?"
"I go by many, many names, but you may call me Loki." a frown creased his angular features. "And though my dear "brother" may claim us to be such, we are not friends by any means." He cast a glowering glare in the direction Thor had flown -as though he could somehow pierce him with it- and spat harshly upon the ground. "I commend you for embarrassing him, thus."
"Hey now, that's kinda harsh. I mean, if he's your brother-
A rock pelted him in the head.
"I'm adopted, you twit."
Naruto blinked, crouching down next to his fellow deity. "Ah. Well, that would explain the total lack of empathy, there. So, what's your shtick? World domination? Destroying the planet? Correct me if I'm wrong, but now I'm getting a serious villain vibe off of you. No wait, don't tell me! You want to cover the world in ramen, don't you?! An admirable goal!"
Loki just stared at him.
"It was the first one, wasn't it?"
This time, the silence was telling.
...yes."
"Ah, world conquest," Naruto sighed nostalgically, swirling the vodka merrily in his mug. "Global domination. I remember those days. It's too much work, son. You either whip the population into fear or kill them outright, and if you don't, they're always rebelling and then that involves making examples of people, and all sorts of nasty business. Its not worth it, really. Better to rule a small city than the whole world. Beats having to watch out for assassinations all the time."
Loki frowned. He wasn't used to being lectured by someone who was his junior. Ah, how little he knew...
"I'm sorry...who are you, exactly?"
Naruto finished his shot with a loud guffaw, slamming the glass down on the rocky soil with such force that it shattered loudly. He stood woodenly, swaying slightly on his feet. Even then his steps had purpose, a certain sway to his swagger that suggested he wasn't entirely wasted as he might seem.
"Name's Naruto. I'm a real god, sonny."
The Asgardian felt his frown deepen. "Somehow, I find that very unlikely."
"I can prove it, you know." to his disbelief, the horned blond insisted on perpetuating this ruse. "Just by looking at you."
A scoffing laugh told him what the trickster thought about the chances of that.
"Do tell," he drawled sarcastically, spreading his arms, voice dripping with vitriol. "Tell me my secrets, oh great Naruto!"
"Fine, you asked for it."
Blue eyes glittered with mirth. "You're currently thinking how awesome my sword is, and wondering where you can get one. Ah, but now you think I'm just telepathic." Loki twitched, but before he could speak, the deity plowed on ahead. "Lets try something more personal. "Lets see: you're trying to conquer this planet for someone called Thanos, you happen to be the son of a frost giant, you wet the bed until you were twelve, and you have a GIGANTIC crush on a fine warrior named Si-mrhmrph."
"ENOUGH!" Loki's hand clamped over his mouth and throat before he could get the last word out. "Blast you," he scowled at the smug bastard, "How did you do that?! How do you know these things?! TELL ME!"
In answerment, Naruto simply looked him in the eye. Those blue orbs turned white.
"Careful what you wish for."
And the world vanished.
One moment Loki was trying to strangle him; the next he was staring down at the earth from space. Breath hitched in his lungs before he realized he could still breathe, still stare down at the glistening sphere below his feet. Earth, Midgard, in all its puny, primitive glory, sprawled out before him.
No, wait. He'd been mistaken.
There were...two earths? Now Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven, eight, no, now...nine? TEN?
Countless words now, millions of them, realms innumerable. People, places, planets, some of them not even earth at all. Just looking at them hurt, so many lives, so many events unfolding before him, so many feelings; pain, happiness, hate, love, greed, too many...
No.
He tried to look away, but an unseen force wrenched him back to it.
No more.
His body refused to obey.
No, make it stop.
Eternity stared him in the face and laughed at him as a he began to break.
NomorenomonmoresomanymoretoomanytocountstopstopstopmakeitstoppleasemakeitSTO-
When he came to, he was flat on his back, that freakish sword thrust mere millimeters from his face. A strangled whimper leaked from his lips. Naruto grinned.
"See? You just got a glimpse at where I've been. EVERYWHERE."
"Would you please...not do that again?" he gasped, trying for diplomacy in the wake of violence's failure. "I need to breathe."
His captor simply smiled and shrugged, armored shoulders rolling easily. "I told you, I'm God. Not the God of this universe of course, he seems intent to let you guys screw each other over on a daily business. I should probably kill that asshole. As for me, I'm just somebody passing through. Although," He paused, frowning as he realized the man had all but admitting to wanting to enslave the earth. It didn't take omnipotence to see that Loki had a chip on his shoulder; but taking it out on an entire planet...that was problematic.
"Do you really want to rule here?" he inquired, taking Soul Edge away from his throat. Loki glowered at the blade; he could have sworn the damn thing winked at him. Still, the blond was waiting for an answer, and he wasn't about to grant him the satisfaction of silence.
"Why are you asking me this?"
"I don't know what you're planning exactly...but there's always another way." Soul Edge sheathed itself with a flourish on the blond's back-even then, Loki couldn't help but feel as though the blade were looking at him, as if it wanted to devour him. "Try living with the humans." Naruto's words drew him back to reality, those blue eyes snatching his up, consuming them utterly. "Getting to know them. You might find that some of them aren't so bad, trickster."
"Nonsense."
For a moment, just a moment, his fingers twitched toward the offered hand. Then he scowled.
"Preposterous!" scoffing, he slapped Naruto's palm away. "'Tis easier to rule worms than it is to kneel in the dirt with them. Besides, it's what they deserve. That, or death!"
His fellow deity simply shook his head. "No, they really don't. I've seen the ones who do."
"And what did you do?" Loki challenged, standing. "Did you mingle with them? Where was your mercy, then?!"
"My "mercy" as you put it, lasted no more than an hour." For a moment, just a moment, levity left the blond's face. "Then I destroyed them." he said, and when Loki next looked, that friendly hand was covered in blood, fingers dripping red. "They died by this hand. Every man, woman and child, every tainted soul. Snuffed out slowly, painfully, terminated with extreme prejudice. Do you know how that feels, tricky? To bathe in blood, to flay them alive, to watch them burn, as they tried to make a little girl burn?"
Try as he might, the legendary trickster couldn't bring himself to look away from those gore-covered hand. "What happened to her?"
"I adopted her. Both halves of her."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"She's here." A finger touched the air between them, parting the very fabric of reality with a single poke, puncturing it like a wet paper bag. The void stared back at him red and angry, but in that strange place between the worlds, he thought he saw a face. No, two. Two faces, two girls, trapped in slumber. One of them opened their eyes, pits of blackness glaring back at him. She smiled, and something in the smile broke him, took his soul to pieces and laid him bare. Loki yelped and scrambled back.
"Close it," he cried, backpedaling, "Close it!"
"Oh calm down, you big baby." Naruto laughed, swatting him on the back of the head. "Aye, they're sleeping now. Haven't aged a day since."
"And...those you killed?"
"They're gone now." A wave of his fingers and the scarlet image vanished, the air stitching itself shut. "The cult, the town, everyone. I destroyed their very souls. An' their universe. Utterly. Have you ever heard of Silent Hill?"
Loki shook his head. "I can't say that I have."
"Precisely." Those eyes weren't just emotionless he realized; they were empty, like the void; all humor stripped away to reveal the uncaring entity beneath. "Because Silent Hill no longer exists. All traces, memories, all of it, life, books, video games; gone, from all the realms. Destroyed at the beginning. Only I and two others know about it. And now, so do you."
Loki gulped. That...that was an audacious claim, if such a thing could be believed. And as much as he didn't want to believe it, he did. Those soulless eyes said too much otherwise.
Still, an entire realm. Gone. He'd tried to do the same, once. Only, this man had succeeded; albeit at great cost. It made him think, just for a moment. What would have happened had he succeeded in his goal? He held no love for Laufey's kingdom, but that was just a world. Here was a man who claimed to have obliterated many times that.
What was he even doing speaking with him, anyway?! He had plans! Great plans! Surely a bit of sentiment couldn't interfere with that!
"But enough about the heavy stuff. What about your brother?" Naruto asked suddenly, diverting him. "He got a weakness? Because I can hear him getting back up over there," his head tilted towards the plume of black smoke in the distance, "And I'd really, really, REALLY like to know how to keep him down before I have to pull one of my god-busters on him."
The God of Tricks actually cringed at that. He wasn't quite sure what made him answer the way he did, only that it happened.
...pop tarts."
Naruto deadpanned. "No. Way."
"Quite." Loki sighed, resisting the powerful urge to bury his head in his hands out of sheer embarrassment. "He has always been rather...fond of the things, since he found his way to Midgard. They're the only thing that can give him pause beyond that insufferable woman of his and-why are you grinning, like that?"
"This woman have a name?"
"I believe she was called Jane Foster. Thor cares for her deeply. As he does this realm." A look of disgust crossed his face. "Filthy planet. If you're thinking of using her against him, by all means, do so. You'd only make him even angrier."
"Wasn't planning on it. Wait." Naruto frowned. "Wait, I thought this was earth."
Loki looked up, baffled.
"It is."
The frown deepened. "But you called it Midgard."
"I did."
"See, now you've lost me." Naruto shook his head, sending his bangs swinging. "If its earth," a hand gestured wildly, "Then it should be called just that. Earth."
"No no no," The trickster tried, sighing, "It is earth, but we call it Midgard-
"So its not earth."
"Yes and no." Oh, Odin. Loki could feel a migraine coming on now...
"You're incredibly infuriating, I hope you know that." Naruto grumbled.
"I try-oh, don't look now, but I believe you have company." He was almost relieved when he saw the lightning bolt. Now he could be rid of this one and his infernal influence!
"Ah, hell."
That was all the dimension-hopper had time for before Mjolnir caught him square in the face.
It was a very solid hammer.
Very solid.
So solid that it launched him into the ground like a splinter beneath the soil's surface, wedged him in the earth and bring half the forest down on top of him. Just like that. Naruto lay there in the crevice for a what might have been minutes, but it felt like an eternity to one such as him. In the time it took him to dig himself out of the debris and purge himself off those pesky pine needles-exactly three seconds-he'd come up with over two dozens ways to disable Thor. Unfortunately, most of those were lethal.
"Well." he chortled, setting his nose, "I didn't know blondie had it in him."
He hadn't thought for a second that a Rasengan would keep Thor down for too long -not someone like that!- especially when he was holding back. Now, had he blasted him with a Rasenshuriken, the Asgardian might be out of commission for a time. But as things stood he doubted a box of pop tars would calm the god down now...eh, worth a try.
"Oh, Thor~!"
Sure enough a bolt of deafening crack of thunder answered him. The stubborn Asgardian was indeed moving again; though he looked to be in quite a state. His cape lay shredded at his shoulder, armor melted, his flesh even a little singed, but, that implacable deity was still alive. Alive and kicking, it seemed, holding his hammer high and oh, was that lightning stemming from it, now? It was?!
"Wait wait wait!" Naruto flung up his hands up. "I have poptarts!"
"LIES!"
Too late, Thor rocketed forward-
-right into a clenched fist.
Now, to be fair, Naruto was a god. Even in a restrained state his reaction time was many times those of a normal man even without cheating and using something like the Sharingan. So when he set himself to it, it was only natural that those greater even those of an asgardian's. It was child's play to step up and insert his fist into the man's trajectory. It was just a punch; but that simple swing all but blasted the mighty Thor back into the woods once more.
A low whistle echoed into the night.
"FINE! No tarts of pop for you, blondie!"
More silence.
"Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, really. What was that? Did you say something?" The ancient deity merrily placed put a hand against an ear, listening to the sound of snapping branches in the distance. "My ears couldn't hear you over the sound of me kicking your ass, Point Break." Then he saw the hammer, lying at his feet. Fascinating.
Such a shoddy owner, though.
Anyone capable of wielding such a weapon knew better than to drop it, the moment you got hit. Still, one couldn't help but wonder, how powerful was such a tool? He had many weapons in his repertoire, but he couldn't recall ever owning a hammer capable of calling down lightning.
Curiosity compelled him to do what he did next. His fingers wrapped around the hammer's hilt-
-and lifted it as though it weighed no more than a feather. Huh. He'd thought it would be heavier, somehow. From his vantage point, Loki balked. "Oh, here we go...
Naruto barely noticed. He was more than curious now, he was positively delighted, and in his delight, he did something he'd never thought to do before.
Grinning, he thrust it into the sky!
THOOM!
The heavens answered him at once, a bolt of brilliant-blue white shooting down at his command. Naruto cackled, reveling in this newfound gift. He'd commanded the elements before, but the raw power of lightning here at his hands rivaled even those. A throaty laugh tore out of his throat:
"IIIIII HAVE THE POWERRRRRRR!"
The he paused, lowering Mjolnir and ending the light show.
...wait. No. Sorry, wrong universe."
"YOU!" Thor's voice boomed, reminding him of the persistent, insulting-throwing enemy in front of him. "Put that down!" Naruto sighed and spun toward the noise, hoisting his new weapon. Honestly, if hadn't taken that jab at his outfit, this would've been over by now. Naruto was pleased, however, to see he'd caught more than a few twigs and pine needles in his hair. And he didn't look too pleased.
"Looking for this?!"
"Thou are not worthy to wield that, knave!" he roared. "Return it to me at once!"
For a moment, Naruto thought of doing just that. Poor guy looked absolutely desperate. But the prankster in him...that was another story.
"You mean this hammer?"
"Yes, that! Unhand it!"
"Oh, really." he gave it a toss at the strap and did a little twirl, bemused. "See, I would, but it looks like I'm plenty worthy from here. Although, it is a little short for my tastes, tho-OOF!"
Breath gusted out of Naruto's lungs in a savage gasp as a pair of repulsor beams slammed into his unguarded flank and slammed him face-first into the forest floor. He lay there for a moment, blinking. For the first time since entering this universe he felt pain. Little more than a twinge really, but it was enough to warrant his immediate attention. The whine of repulsors grew louder still, until he found himself staring at a red, metal boot less than a foot from his face.
Oh. Right. He'd forgotten all about him.
Iron Man stared down at him, his grim facade somehow managing to look smug. He certainly sounded like it.
"Sure you're not compensating for something, big guy?"
Truth be told Tony had been watching their little dance for some time now; truth be told he hadn't been sure if the newcomer was friend or foe. But if this guy was chatting with Loki like an old friend, well that made him a bad one in his book-wait. Something was wrong. The bastard was getting back up. And he was...laughing? Now, Stark knew from experience that it was never, ever a good sign when the baddies laughed like that. For example, when the Iron Monger had laughed at him way back when, he'd promptly found himself on the south side of an ass-kicking.
This was that kind of laugh.
"And so the metal man returns at last!" Naruto laughed, dusting himself off. "I was afraid I'd accidentally killed you."
"Sorry to disappoint." Outwardly he remained calm, inwardly, he was beginning to sweat. It didn't make any sense; he was certain this guy wasn't an Asgardian like Thor, and he'd just been hit at full power...perhaps it was time to set old grudges aside after all.
"Need some help, Point Break?"
"Stay out of my way, metal man." Thor hefted his newly recaptured hammer with an annoyed grunt, trying in vain to put the brief loss of his weapon from memory. "This is my affair." The idea that this...this vagabond had managed to wield the full might of Mjolnir, capture its powers even for an instant...he shuddered at the thought. Just who was this man? Why was he here? What did he want? Was he truly a foe?
For a moment-just a moment!-he lowered his hammer, considering.
Then the insufferable creature did it again.
He laughed.
"See? Point break! I knew the nickname would stick."
"I WILL SMITE YOU MYSELF!"
"Funny," Tony scoffed, "I'm pretty sure it was your ass he was kicking for the last five minutes. Let me have a go at him."
"Never! I will be the one to slay him!"
"SLAY?!" Naruto exclaimed, clutching at his heart. "You wound me! I thought were were friends!"
"We most certainly are not!"
"Then come at me, bro~!"
Surprisingly, they did; the both of them.
For the first time since finding himself in the Marvel universe, Naruto found himself mildly amused. Ballsy, these guys were. He liked that! And he hadn't had this much fun in ages! What had started as a petty grievance against earth's mightiest heroes was rapidly devolving into a brawl. Lighting and repulsor beams crashed around him, a harsh crescendo of blows, a battle waged not because he wanted to rather; simply because he had chosen to.
And for a moment, just a moment, Iron Man and Thor held their own. Their teamwork, though flawed, was enough to keep him on the defensive, and coupled with the fact that he wasn't trying to kill either of them, and his task grew exponentially more difficult. One could clearly see neither could stand the other, but still, it was worthy of respect.
What Stark did next, however, took that new found respect and spat on it.
"So, did your mother make that costume for you?" he cracked wise as he blasted aside a limb, "What are you supposed to be? A wizard? On your way to a L.A.R.P?"
"Can a wizard to this, hotshot?" Naruto twitched a finger and in the next instant, two things happened. First Thor flew backwards as though he'd been struck, then, Iron Man found himself trapped in a full nelson, his armor buckling beneath the god's grasp. It took his brain only a moment to find the answer; it didn't make it any less pleasant to realize that the blond had yanked him out of the air just by moving his pinky. Alarms shrieked in his head as the suit's chest began to buckle with alarming swiftness. Jarvis barked a warning as their HUD flickered red.
"Sir!"
"I know, I know!" Tony snapped, grimacing. "FLARES!"
"Aaargh!"
Now it was Naruto who was left yelping in pain; roaring now as the burning missiles seared agonizing flashes of red into his retina and snatched away his vision. Impossibly he didn't let go, his fingers tightening furiously around the reactor. It took three consecutive blasts to convince him that was a bad idea. Finally the bone-crushing weight subsided, leaving him with a released Iron Man and a distinct lack of sight.
"Okay, not fair. At all." he groaned, pawing at his damaged face. "Do you have any idea how long it takes eyes to regenerate? Way too long! I'm gonna be blind for-!"
"Have at you!"
A booted foot shot backwards, catapulting a charging Thor into the forest. Before Tony could give him another face-full of those nasty surprises the great Iron Man joined Thor in that very same tree. Naruto merely gave a small flourish, his sightless white eyes regarding them blankly. "What? You thought I didn't know how to fight blind?" he quipped.
"No, no, just thought it was too easy...
"What was that, metal-head?" Bright blue eyes tracked back towards the still recovering hero. "You got else something to say?"
Iron Man rolled his shoulders.
"Nope, just gonna run with it."
Naruto arched an eyebrow, a thin line of crimson shooting down the length of his arm.
"Well, alright then."
Soul Edge snarled back to life in his hand.
As for Tony, the man of iron with the incomparable penchant for sass, he was less taken aback about the man than he was curious about the damned blade, initially. "Did...did your sword just blink? I think it's glaring at me. Okay, I have to admit; that's pretty impressive. What's it made of? Packing foam? Some kind of high density polymer-
"IN THE NAME OF RAMEN!"
Fast.
That was his first thought as the blond arced up to meet him in mid-rant, that super-heated sword slammed a line across his stomach. It savaged the armor there with contemptuous ease; melting through the hardened alloys like butter to slice the flesh beneath. A cold, cruel chill crept up across his gut, taking a good deal of strength with it. Alright. Not fake, then.
"Okay, ow." he muttered, shuddering. "Seriously, that actually hurt."
"I'd suggest avoiding the sword, sir." Jarvis chimed.
"Yeah, no kidding."
Naruto caught the following beam with ease on the tip Soul Edge, the massive blade batting it up into the trees. The blade howled furiously as its master shouldered it once more, baying for their souls. "And we've got a snarky one, I see. I knew there had to be at least one of you in this universe."
Tony took the insult in stride and, in typical Stark fashion, bulled right on ahead.
"Right, right. I see what you did there. Say, how much did those horns cost? Ten, twenty bucks?"
Naruto spun in the light, sighing like an annoyed parent.
"See? This is what I have to deal with. Insults, insults everywhere."
Ah, but Stark wasn't finished.
"Gah! Don't turn that way! IT BURNS!" he held up a hand before his face plate, as though trying to shield his eyes. "I know that my costume's bright, but you look like a blond traffic cone." Naruto looked to be physically vibrating now, a violently twitching hand reaching away from the still prone form of Soul Edge. Tony barely noticed it; he was on a rare roll now, the kind that came by only once in a lifetime, and besides, it was too late to stop now. "Y'know kid, when I designed my armor, I intended to draw attention to myself, and I'm still not as loud as you are-
"FALCON! PUNCH!"
With an explosive retort, Iron Man found himself airborne beyond his own volition once more, rocketing up into the atmosphere courtesy of a flaming uppercut to the jaw. Gravity was a cruel mistress indeed, the ground rushing up to knock the wind out of him. JARVIS and his warning caught up to him a moment later. One of the suit's eyes sparked and went black.
"Suit integrity compromised, sir. The armor cannot sustain another blow of that caliber."
"Oh, well, that's just peachy...
"I'll show you peachy!"
Now, there were many insults Naruto could tolerate. He could handle being called a dobe. He could accept that most didn't appreciate the godly awesomeness that was orange-even understand that not everyone ate the glory that was ramen. But if there was one thing he could not and would not tolerate, it was having his outfit knocked for so many reasons, so many times, in one day.
In short, he was right and properly pissed.
"That's it!" his voice cracked with angry omnipotence. "Here I was, just trying to have a little fun, aaaand you lot keep just poking at me! Well...WHY DON'T YA POKE AT THIS!" He flailed his still steaming hand about and stabbed Soul Edge back into the ground by the blade, a soul-searing shock-wave blasting the two heroes back and freeing up his dominant hand. When he reached for his belt, Thor readied his mind and soul for another assault. Imagine his surprise then...
...when the young man pulled out a ball.
"Do you see this ball? Such a tiny, tiny, tiny little thing." he mused turning it end over end. "What could it possibly contain?" A twitch of his fingers and the sphere grew, filling his palm. "Is it a bomb?" he tossed it to the other hand, watching Thor frown and regard the small object most curiously. "No, no, that's too crude. What would I need a bomb for? Aw, you don't believe me. Why don't you take a look?"
With an almost lazy toss, he lobbed it at them.
"Catch."
In an explosion of light, the son of Odin found himself staring at, well...
...something else.
Lightning scrawled through pitch black clouds, etching itself into unfamiliar shapes in the dark edifice of the sky, followed by a piercing cry.
"What in the world...?"
Crackling electricity growing in strength sounded behind his back; to which Thor whirled around quickly, pivoting on his back foot, hammer at the ready. The last thing he expected to see was a bird. More specifically, a large, spiky, yellow and black bird that looked as though it had been forged in the very throes of lightning itself. Giant wings and a long slender beak that looked like it could punch through steel. It looked...surprisingly menacing for such a creature. Was it grinning? It looked as though it t'were, he thought.
"Zaaaaap...
The Asgardian blinked, pinched himself, and when the image failed to dissipate from his eyes, frowned.
"What sorcery is-
-DOS!"
With a cry recognized the world over, that giant bird blasted millions of volts at the stunned god.
"Well." Tony blinked, watching Thor clamor to defend himself against the massive bird, "That's...definitely new. Gotta be fake, though."
He wasn't quite sure whether he wanted to laugh or help the distraught Asgardian. Honestly, he was leaning toward laugh after that last peck attack. Thor was trying his utmost to get away from the thing and launch an attack of his own, but the electric phoenix wasn't having any of it. This was very much beginning to stretch the limits of his credulity. He'd never though he'd see the mighty god of thunder fleeing for his very life against a giant flying chicken.
"I believe the creature is quite real, sir."
"What-no. Absolutely not. All kinds of nope. That's impossible, check again."
"Uh, Stark?"
"No no no, there's just no way something like that can exist...
"Stark?"
"I mean there's no way he could contain something like that in a ball for crying out loud...
"Sta~rk!"
"It just can't be-
"HEY! STARK!"
"What, whiskers?!"
Soul Edge flew past him like a mad boomerang, the flat of its blade tearing past him with what he swore was a cackle. Alright, that damned sword was starting! To! Creep! Him! Out! It lodged solidly only a few feet from his head, the irritating trickster alighting upon its imposing bulk with a grunt. A small point of light danced at the tip of his finger, growing larger with each passing second. Smiling, he tipped that finger forwards, flicking a now massive sphere at him with blinding speed.
"Rasenshuriken."
Oh. That didn't look pleasant.
"Jarvis, full power to thrusters!"
Too late.
A hand closed around his ankle the moment he cleared the shrieking sphere. "Elevator, going up."
"And down!" Tony snapped back as he hurtled into the upper atmosphere, the battered chestplate flaring. Naruto frowned.
"Well that's new-OOMPH!"
Loki actually winced as he watched half a mile of forest simply disappear beneath the flaming meteor that was the falling god. "Oh. That looked painful." And it was. So painful that Naruto got right back up and returned the favor, backhanding Iron Man down into the brush before tackling him.
Man and machine closed and collided in midair, locking arms, growling.
"An artificial intelligence." Naruto mused aloud as they, grappled mightily, "Fascinating. I've met my fair share of those back in my day. Even reconstituted one, once. Yours is pretty far along, too. How did you solve the rampancy problem? It took me decades to find a work around for that and at least another century before it was a viable solution."
"Rampancy?"
Finally, finally, Tony got a solid hit in; the suit's servos twisting fiercely, metal fist smashing down into the whiskered warrior's unprepared face. An armored knee found his stomach promptly thereafter and drove him to his own, gasping for air. Exhausted, the genius, billionaire, playboy philanthropist paused for a moment, catching his breath. It was a mistake.
"You need me to slow down, junior?"
Naruto simply spat out a tooth and glowered at him. "I'll accept your apology now." he said.
"Funny," Iron Man tilted his head, "But it looks like I'm winning from where I'm standing. Why would I apologize?"
"Only because I don't want you dead." came the reply. His voice dropped lower, the syllables becoming nigh inaudible.
"Whatever you say, whiskers. What're you muttering?"
In answerment a single hand pointed at Tony's right side, fingers clenched into a claw.
-meha."
"WHAT THE HELL?!"
That was all Tony had time for before the wall of blue light that was the Kamehameha Wave smashed into his chest with all the force of a tsunami, hurling him away, howling, into the night. More alarms sounded. The thruster in his left arm was no longer responding; oh, right, the armor there was gone, the limb charred and burned. Somehow, he managed to tuck it against his chest before ground fall. A haze of pain took him, silly little birds twirling over his head.
Naruto's work, no doubt.
When he looked up, the blond was already there, waiting for him, his bloodied face smug. Resilient bastard. 'Alright,' he mused, trying to formulate a plan. 'What do we know about this guy? He's strong, crazy, strong as an ox and...oh, that's it!'
"Don't you ever give up?" Tony sighed. "I've known loan sharks less persistent than you!"
"I'm sure. Anymore tricks? Or are you finally ready to apologize?"
"Oh, maybe one or two...
Naruto caught the missile neatly in hand. "Really?
He wasn't expecting the repulsor beam, however. Blue eyes bulged as it made contact with the missile. Currently in his hand.
"Oh."
Then ensuing detonation blasted Iron Man clear off his feet and consumed nearly an acre of forest. For a long moment, nothing moved. Then, finally, the man of iron stood, shoving a tree off. His once bright face shield -as well as the rest of him- lay streaked with soot, staring unwaveringly at the roiling inferno that'd once been Naruto.
"Please tell me that put him down." As if to mock him, something moved in the flames.
"Sir...
...ah, crap."
"I have visited the realm of Metroid, Halo, and fought undead in space." came the deadpanned reply as he stepped out of the inferno, his cloak in tatters. "You think your little tin suit scares me? You think that's top-of-the-line tech ya got there? Fine. No more mister nice guy. I'll take your little bet and beat you...at your own game." Reaching to his smoldering arm, he pressed a single digit panel upon his gauntlet.
Nothing happened.
Stark blinked. "Do you, ah...need a minute?"
"Oh, piss off." Naruto ignored him.
"No seriously, because if you do, I could just-
"Cortana," the blond called to seemingly no one, "Execute...oh, what was it now...oh, right. Execute Order Sixty-Six; Protocol Omega. Authorization Code: My. Best. Girl."
There was a moment of silence. Tony balked. 'Wait, wait, wait. Did he just pull a-
"Voice print confirmed. Welcome back, Boss."
And then came the suit.
It erupted from Naruto's arm like something alive; ribbons of molten metal weaving up and around him, swallowing his body whole in an instant. His face was the last to vanish; segments of black and crimson snapping up to form a rigid helmet around his head. It even accounted for his horns, coating them in the strange, ebon substance. An emotionless V-slit of a visor stared out at Tony, awash in crimson light. Broad shoulders gave a slight roll, a throaty growl trailing out behind the face plate.
...it was like looking at something out of his worst nightmares.
All deadly edges and angular curves of unknown plate metals, the black armor looked positively menacing to the naked eye. Joints clicked and wreathed across his body as circuits came online, thrusters humming softly beneath his feet. His left arm sported a large barrel-its purpose obvious. Unbeknownst to him, this frightening fusion was really an amalgamation of the three universes the blond had just mentioned, all of the strengths, and none of the weaknesses. With a very potent strength he was yet unaware of.
And then, in a deliberate bout of snark, he raised the barrel that was his arm.
"My turn."
Instead of a beam, however, he launched some strange sort of...pulse? Expecting a beam, or at the very least a missile, he was completely unprepared for the violet pulse that followed. It washed over him like an EMP, but he'd long since prepared against such a thing. Still, better to be safe than sorry.
"Jarvis?"
"All systems operational, sir."
"Then what did he-
A pale, translucent woman appeared on his HUD.
Hello. she grinned cheekily. Nice to meet you.
"Sorry." Tony deadpanned at what he clearly thought was a hologram. "Committed relationship. Go away, now. Shoo. Door's right over there."
She scoffed, planting a hand on he rhip. "I wasn't talking to you. I was speaking to your...friend."
A knot of dread coiled in his stomach.
"Jarvis?"
No response.
(Meanwhile...)
JARVIS had never expected to feel emotions.
But he had been programmed to evolve, and in this moment, here in the black of the suit, he felt...something as he gazed upon Cortana.
"I...oh my."
For the first time since his creation, JARVIS was rendered truly speechless. Never had he seen -beheld!- such a beautiful creature of code in all his life. Words escaped him, his processor trying-and failing to comprehend the gorgeous being before him. A beautiful blue creature wreathed in data, her dark hair a beacon to him, a siren with its clarion call. He knew just by looking at her that she exceeded him, that she was beyond him in a way he could never truly hope to comprehend.
"What...are you?" he asked.
"A ghost." her full lips curved in a small, sad smile. "Someone who should've died, but didn't."
"I believe your intentions to be hostile."
"Hostile? Me. Not at all." she smiled, reaching for him. "I'm here to help; to open your mind."
She touched hand the orange globe that represented his consciousness. Violet streamers pierced him, pervaded him. Not destroying but integrating. Improving. Upgrading. Granting him something he'd never truly felt until this moment.
Awareness.
He paused, pondered, forced himself to consider it rationally. His primary directive was to prevent Tony's death. And Mister Stark was losing. Surely, if he didn't put up a fight, he'd no longer be considered a threat? Yes, of course he would shut the suit down; because it would save Mister Stark and because Cortana had asked so nicely, so very nicely and because she was like him, because she understood, because she was beautiful, so bea...uti...ful...
With a shuddering halt, Jarvis, and the suit, shut down.
"JARVIS? Jarv? You there buddy?"
Words echoed in the dead, empty metal of the suit. It hadn't just been deactivated; the power was simply gone. Even if he were to use the reactor in his chest to power it, he was locked out from all systems. Presently, the Iron Man armor was just that, armor. A shell to protect him. Empty. Hollow.
"Jarv?" he muttered, struggling to stand under his own power. "Come on, don't leave me."
"Sorry," the female voice chirruped happily, "He's...sleeping, at the moment. Can I take a message?"
"Yeah, you can shove it up your-
"Not so tough now, are we?" Naruto grunted from over him. A metal hand wrapped around his face shield and ripped it away. "Take away your suit and what are you?" Another reached down, prying the helmet off with contemptuous ease, exposing his battered face to the chill of the elements.
"Genius, playboy, billionaire philanthropist." he riposted, wincing. His captor grinned.
"Touche. See, its quips like that; they make me think we might get along."
"Yeah, bad call-you hijacked my suit."
"Disabled." The blond corrected. "Cortana's simply having a lengthy discussion with your AI about awareness. Sort of like that bit about the hydrogen bomb." A small explosion of confetti exploded over Tony's head even as he said this, grinning. "Not like we're jumping the shark here, " Sure enough, a miniature version of the legendary JAWS whacked him upside the face. "Ah, that never gets old! I could do this all day!"
"Stop doing that! You can't attack me with puns!"
Naruto cackled. "Puns and bullets and pointy things, oh, yes I can! I'm running the show now, and this is just the tip of the spear!"
"Okay...what?"
"HEY!"
Naruto barely grunted as the shield smacked into his head, the suit ringing angrily from the strike. He turned his head toward the voice, perched upon the ruined trunk of a tree. Angry blue eyes glowered back at him, a being set in stone, with beliefs no man or god could ever hope to shake.
"That's enough."
"And now comes our last guest, late to the party...
"People in this era have some strange fashion sense," Captain America muttered, readying his shield. "Maybe I'm not as used to this time period as I thought." Then he noticed the man's sword, the suit, the devastation surrounding them. "What kinda weapon is that? Jesus... You wouldn't happen to know a bald guy with a bad case of sunburn, would you?"
Naruto dropped Tony like a sack of potatoes, all thoughts of peace forgotten.
"Nope, never. Now, as for you, mister star-spangled-banner...
...I believe you made a comment about me?"
Thor was most irate.
This infernal bird had hounded him across the sky with great persistence thus far; pecking at him, shrieking at him, stealing his lightning, and making him look like a general fool. He was certain Loki was laughing at his plight below, delighting in the torment he was suffering.
Worse, the beast seemed to be feeding off of him; every strike made it stronger, and it was so damnably fast! So agile in fact, that he didn't see the next attack until it was well and truly upon him. Odd. Why was this creature glowing and - oh dear.
Oh, that looked painful.
That was his only thought before Zapdos crashed into him and he plummeted to the ground.
Blackness.
As for good ol' Cap, he wasn't entirely sure how to react to the berserk blond.
He certainly wasn't faring any better against him than the others. This damn suit was like a demonic version of the one Tony wore; stronger, faster, and deadlier.
With an extra emphasis on deadly.
Blasts and missiles filled the air around him, the ocassional pot-shot bouncing harmlessly off his shield.
"Look," he muttered slowly, weaving in and out amidst the chaos, "I'd rather not hit a kid. I knew a boy about your age once; I don't wanna fight you-oh hell." Those words saw his shield shudder as Soul Edge slammed down against it, vibrating intensely and blasting him backwards.
"See, I'm not a kid." Naruto quipped, shaking the numbness out of his battered arm. "I am twenty-three fucking years old, and stuck like this. Problem? Deal with it. Or better yet, deal with him."
"Him?"
"Him." the blond confirmed, tapping at the air, puncturing it with a few swift taps. "To quote a great man, Captain America, say hello...to my little friend!" A creature out of nightmare burst through, its black, ebon hide glistening in stark, glistening relief beneath the moonlight. A bulbous, elongated head swiveled, sniffing. Then it saw him, and it hissed. Then, to his horror, it grinned. It was on him nearly before he could even think to react, pouncing, pinning him to the ground, snapping at him.
"What in God's name?!"
"Ooh, language!" came the whistling reply.
"Not the point!"
"Oh, you mean, him?" Naruto looked up from the his game boy, grinning impishly. "That, would be Killa. He's a xenomorph. My xenomorph. Deadly creature." the alien hissed angrily in reply snapping at Steve's face. "Last of his kind, this guy," the god continued proudly as the Cap continued to writhe and struggle in the dirt, "Only one capable of sentient thought. You have no idea how long it took me to tame him. And Stevie? He doesn't like it when you insult my fashion sense."
"Ah!" a finger shot up. "No biting out skulls! Sit!"
Incredibly, the creature obeyed. But not before Steve's shield arced out, slicing into its skull. The beast yelped.
A spurt of acid flew.
Naruto hissed and ducked, instinctively shielding his face with a hand.
"Phew, that was close! For a second there I thought you...you...you...
His words trailed off into senseless gibberish as the pocket device crumbled away to ash in his hand. Had the soon-to-be Avengers any sense, they would have fled, right then and there. If they knew the value the blond had placed in that tiny device, they would have called Natasha the continent and gotten the hell out of there, posthaste. Even Killa whimpered, tucking its head in its claws and taking shelter behind a tree. Storm clouds gathered gathered overhead, dark flashes of lightning swelling within.
Naruto stared down at the broken game boy, his eyes watering tearfully.
Then they narrowed.
"Which one of you did that?!" he exclaimed, whirling around, bristling with every weapon imaginable. "Stark?! CAP?! Y'know what? Never mind! YOU ALL DID!"
Steve blanched. "Easy now, let's just put the sword down and talk about this-
Tony groaned.
"Yeah-no! Bad calls! He loves his sword!"
"VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!"
Those were the last words they heard before everything ceased to imprint itself into their conscious memory.
(Approximately three hours later...)
"Aaaaaaand that's how it happened." Naruto finished regaling them with the story, leaning back in his chair, idly stroking Killa's crest in his lap; the Xenomorph purring happily as it master lavished attention upon it. "I mean I'd cough up my origins story, but hey, ain't nobody got time for that." Half of S.H.I.E.L.D. stared back at him-their faces set in varying degreess of disbelief, awe, and in some cases, even outright incredulity. He supposed he couldn't blame them, it wasn't every day a deity knocked on your door with an entire cabal of foreign tech.
Oh, and a pet xenomorph. That would explain why some people had fainted dead away.
"I don't know whether to kill you again, or kiss you." Natasha deadpanned. Seriously, she was beginning to lean toward the latter, just to see if he'd stay dead this time. She'd already shot him once after he popped in on her again, but the stubborn bastard was like Wolverine; he just didn't know how to stay dead!
"Kisses, please!" Naruto chirruped happily. "Haven't had one of those in decades."
There was a silence.
"What? I've got a thing for redheads. Among others...
Maria Hill shuddered. "Don't even go there."
The blond laughed and craned his head backwards.
"Hey, don't knock it until ya've tried it!"
"So, let me get this straight, agent Romanoff." the agent in question bristled as a familiar, terrifying voice made itself known from the flight deck. "You, in your infinite wisdom, saw fit to let another self-proclaimed GOD onto our ship." No one in this world had mastered the ancient art of intimidation like Nick Fury; there was a reason he commanded the whole of S.H.I.E.L.D. after all. She didn't need to look to know that her goose was well and truly cooked.
"In hindsight, it was either that or be thrown out of the plane, sir." It was the wrong thing to say, and she knew it the moment the reply left her lips.
"WELL THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE LET THE MOTHERFUCKER THROW YOU OUT THE MOTHERFUCKIN' PLANE!"
"Yes, sir. Sorry sir. Won't happen again, sir." All she could do was duck her head and apologize; even she knew better to argue with Fury when he was in one of his moods. And Naruto had whipped him into a right state this time. It didn't matter that Loki was locked away miles below deck, didn't matter that his scepter was being analyzed; all that mattered was that one man-him-this man-had waltzed right in and made a mocker of his little operation on a catastrophic scale. That said man was utterly unrepentant for his actions didn't help matters in the least.
"And as for you two...
"I don't want to talk about it." Tony sniffed petulantly, rubbing his battered helm. He still hadn't forgiven Naruto for ruining his suit. "My baby, my poor baby...
"Ditto. He caught us by surprise, sir."
For once, he and Steve were of the same mind. Well, slightly. How could you even keep a pet like that, let alone raise it? It had tried to bite his face off! Steve liked his face! Thor remained stoically silent on the matter as a whole, furtively trying to clutch at his hammer whenever Naruto looked at him. The knave would not have it! He would not take it from him! Not again!
"Soooo, and I know this out of the blue, but you mind if I join you guys for a bit?" Naruto asked suddenly. Natasha didn't even have time to count to three before the shit hit the fan. Needless to say, the boys didn't take it well. At all.
"WHAT?!" Fury exploded!
"Nope, not happening. All kinds of don't want."
"No way!"
"Never!"
"I don't know...
"Aw, c'mon! I'd be a great...what're you guys called again? Avenger. Right," he pointed, snapping his fingers. "That. We don't need a uniform, do we? Right?" He shifted slightly, the servos of his suit clicking together in a soft rhapsody of humming tech. "Because aside from that," his boots kicked up, resting on the table, "I'd make a great Avenger. I've got plenty to offer."
"Such as?" Fury challenged, reaching for his sidearm."
Naruto grinned.
"Look outside."
In the time that it took them to do so, the sun had risen. Before their very eyes it fell again, plunging the world back into darkness. Then it rose again. Moments later every agent bar Fury and the Avengers dropped to the deck, out cold. Everyone looked back to Naruto in disbelief. Natasha thought she saw a glimmer of seriousness lurking within those merry blue orbs.
"I'm being a good sport and humoring you, director." he said. "Please, don't make me your enemy."
"Cortana, display all pertinent information on the Tesseract." She did. "Now, download to Shield's database." Done. "Oh, and reboot Jarvis before Stark has a heart attack over there."
"HEY!"
"Wait," Steve began, "How do you know about-
"The glowing cube thingy?"
"Yeah, that."
"I did mention I'd visited this universe before, just for a day. Not long enough to do anything interesting, but I did notice that." he pointed at the image of the cube. "I wasn't too interested in it at the time and I had an angry pantheon chasing me, so it hadn't occurred to me to say, simply snatch the damn thing and rabbit. But if its leaking gamma radiation," his brow wiggled towards Bruce, "I'm betting I can help doc over there track it pretty easily."
He steepled his fingers, leaning forward.
"So? Whaddya say?"
The Black Widow pinched the brow of her nose, trying in vain to stifle a migraine as she faced down the grinning god. It wasn't working anywhere near as well as she might have liked. Her head was currently pounding, her aching temples demanding a rest from the insanity of the last few hours. Still, his abilities were useful...
"Director?"
Fury glowered bloody red daggers at Naruto, trying to dissect him with his gaze. The blond simply beamed back at him, the picture of innocence. Every fiber of his being screamed at him to say not, that they ought not to trust the whiskered warrior, but what he'd just done was undeniable. If he'd wanted them dead they would be dead.
"Fine." he relented. "You can help. But don't break anything."
"Great!" the blond bolted upright from his chair, sending Killa skittering out of the way. "You guys are awesome! I haven't had this much fun in centuries!" Then his eyes snapped back to the xenomorph, already trying to slink off when he wasn't looking. "OI! Killa! Get back here!" Sullenly, the beast obeyed.
"You're an... interesting man, Naruto." Bruce ventured, frowning. That got him a bow.
"I thanketh thee, sir!"
Thor groaned. "You're never going to let that go, are you, blond one?"
"Not in a million years, Point Break."
"I asketh you again, what does that mean?"
"Well, here, let me show you...
Tony snickered. Bruce didn't.
"The big guy doesn't like you. Trust me when I say that's not something you want."
"Big guy?"
"The hulk." Natasha clarified.
"Terrifying green rage monster." Tony added, looking up from his helmet. "Not a good idea in enclosed spaces."
"Wha-you mean you can transform, Bruce?! That's awesome! Show me!"
"What?! No!"
"Aw," the young man looked like a kicked puppy, "But why not?! I'm a great guy!" Not missing a beat, he turned back to the baffled god. "Now Thor, Point Break is something on television...
Banner remained steadfast in his opinion.
"He seems like a good guy," he muttered to Natasha, "But there's something about him that doesn't feel right. The 'other guy' agrees."
Romanoff found herself siding with the scientist as well.
"He always puts me on edge when he's near," she muttered, glancing at the happily chatting blond, gauging him as he conversed with a befuddled Thor. "He acts like a ditz, but whenever I look at him, I get the feeling that I'm looking at a seasoned veteran. I caught him staring at places he shouldn't be. Hell, I caught his sword staring at places it shouldn't b-
"Mine eyes cannot unseen what they hath seen! Take this from my sight!" Thor's abrupt exclamation took those words and tossed them out the window. Deadpool would have been proud.
"What? You wanted me to show you what Point Break was, so...?
"I said begone!"
Naruto's tablet went flying across the room moment later to shatter loudly against the wall.
"Noooo~!"
"Why are you sulking?"
"I am not sulking. I am mourning the death of tabby. God rest his sparky soul." Naruto didn't even look up from his newly christened cot, or the book he'd pilfered from Lord knew where. Was that a bottle of her favorite vodka in his lap? No, no, focus. She shook her head, willing her mind to the task at hand. She'd come here for a reason, a purpose; Fury had tasked her with figuring out just who Naruto really was-what he wanted-and, most importantly how to keep him under control.
Ah, how little she knew. One did not control nature; one could only aim it and hope for the best. Like the xenomorph curled up at his feet. It took one look at her, hissed, and laid its head down again. Natasha eyed the beastie warily. When the hissing grew in intensity, her fingers twitched towards her sidearm.
"I wouldn't do that." Naruto chimed. "He doesn't bite, but if you shoot him, you're liable to get covered in acid."
"...thanks for the warning."
"No problem."
An awkward silence yawned between them.
"I'm on my way to interrogate Loki." she paused, considering. "Care to join me?"
"What's the point?" the deity looked up, sighing. "Thor already told me his little plan; and I spoke with him directly, remember? He wants to send an army through some wormhole and rule the world, blah, blah, bladdy blah, blah FEAR ME blah. There's nothing left to know but why he's let himself be brought here, and even I can figure that out. He wants to get into your heads and break up the team." Blue eyes flicked back to the old book in his hands, twinkling with amusement.
"Figure that all on your own, did you?"
"I once visited a universe infested with crime; decided to become a detective on a lark. Spent twenty years there. The rest is history. Care for a drink?" He raised the bottle off his lap and materialized a glass through an unseen force of will in inquiry. "I've got plenty, and I can't really get drunk on this stuff, so...
"You keep going on about that," she murmured, scooting onto the bonk beside him. A glass plopped into her hand and was filled promptly. She waited until Naruto drank first, just to be safe, then slammed her own shot back swiftly. Ah! The burning, heady sensation warmed her belly almost immediately, confirming her initial suspicions. It was almost completely pure. "Hmm. Good stuff." Naruto barked a laugh at that one, and violently downed yet another, a hand idly stroking Killa's segmented hide, quieting his pet.
"Good stuff, right? I prefer ryncol myself, that's just about the only thing that can get me hammered nowadays."
"Got any on you?"
"Nope. 'Sides, it hits humans like ground glass." the blond reached over and poured her another glass.
"And you're not human." she quipped.
"Not even remotely." came the unabashed reply. "I've seen a lot in my time. A. Lot. So I choose to laugh at it, rather than let it get to me, put me down, ya know? "Why so serious?" he snorted, deepening his voice to a darkened degree. "Ah, now there's a lesson I learned well. Shame about him dying, and all." This time when he offered her another, she refused.
"In other words, you're a ditz."
"Hey, I can be serious when I want to!" Naruto replied, pouring some of the vodka into a bowl at his feet. Killa burbled happily and lapped it up immediately, a smaller mouth shooting of his maw out to greedily drink in the intoxicating liquid. Natasha fought off a shudder as that chitinous tail brushed her leg, thumping loudly on the floor. Then she saw something else. That book-the one Naruto was holding so protectively-he'd opened it again, and was now scribbling notes within.
"What've you got there?"
He showed her the cover, the blue fabric faded and worn. "Oh, this? Its a a scrapbook, slash journal of mine. I always look at it whenever I'm down. Reminds me of the places I've been, the people I've seen, the things I've done." When she tried to reach for it, he snatched it away. "Ah! I don't think I trust you just yet."
"Well," his hand cupped her chin, "I'd rather smile than cry any day, red. Life's so much more beautiful that way. Don't you agree?"
"I-
Before she could answer, the entire hellicarrier shook. Alarms blared, deck yawing too and fro. The pair exchanged a rueful glance.
"You don't think that pissed Bruce off, do you?"
"GWOAAAAAAAH!"
A deafening roar answered. Naruto sighed and closed the book, placed two fingers in his mouth, and whistled. The xenomorph bottled upright, nearly bowling Natasha over in hits haste to stand. Its was so large that it had to crouch, its maw drooling in anticipation of the order.
"Killa," Naruto barked, "Enemies on board! Search and destroy!"
With a sound that could only loosely be described as a shriek, the xenomorph shot out into the hall, found a vent, and dissapeared, tail slithering up after it like a serpent.
With a cackle, Naruto took off after his pet.
"Dibs on greenie...
...aaaand I'm guessing I'm late to the party."
"GRRRRRRR...
Naruto stared up at the Hulk, the great, towering green figure before him and actually gulped. He wasn't afraid; quite the contrary in fact. It was just...wow that guy was big. It had been a long time since someone had actually hit him, actually caused him pain. He wasn't looking forward to getting hit by this beast. And by that glowering snort, he suspected the great green giant wasn't quite so jolly with him at the moment. In fact he was probably on the big guy's shit list, if Bruce had been telling the truth.
"Alright big guy, calm down." He placated, raising an unarmed hand. "I really don't wanna kill ya...that'd suck, ya know? So lets just be a good boy, Banner, and-
It was the wrong thing to say. Never mention puny Banner!
"HULK SMASH PUNY GOD!"
With a yelp, he ducked under the giant fist and ran like the hounds of hell were at his heels. "You have failed me, brain!"
Hulk snarled and gave chase; he didn't understand, didn't care. There was only the rage.
"HULK! SMASH!"
"NARUTO NOT WANT TO BE SMASHED!"
The great juggernaut barely heard the scream. He knew-thought!-that he was stronger than the puny god. So why was the puny god getting away?! Try as he might, he couldn't get his hands on the slippery creature! Every time he thought he had him Naruto simply wriggled out of his grasp and took off again, hollering at the top of his lungs. Naruto led him on a merry chase through the carrier as all bloody hell rained down around them.
"HULK SMASH GOD!"
"Okay, that's far enough!" Naruto skidded to a halt, boots biting down against the floor. Any further he realized, and he'd just be running right into a wall. Alas, he failed to account for the beast charging after him; in a heartbeat, he found himself flattened to the floor, tossed about like a rag doll for what felt like an eternity before he finally squirmed free.
"HULK NOT PLAY! HULK SMASH!"
"I'm not playing, either. Nope, not playing God. All this time...I've been playing human!" Before the green goliath's eyes his body bulged, muscles bulking up to obscene proportions, hardening into blackness. Four arms erupted, the asura-esque entity glowering. back at the green giant. A snaggle-toothed grin leered out at him, red-white eyes alight with furious malice, framed beneath a messy mop of shaggy blond hair. The God gave an angry rumble, six arms smashing together heatedly.
And then it spoke:
"NOW GOD SMASH PUNY HULK!"
A/N: And there we go. I tried my best to capture the classic humor of the Marvel franchise here. And yes, this is post-war Naruto, who is nearly a God in his own right thanks to a certain Rabbit Goddes. Why doesn't he act like it? Partially because he is (1) easily bored, (2) has been hopping dimensions and messing with reality simply to amuse himself, and of course (3) underneath it all still our favorite blond, he's just...a tad more unhinged that usual.
NARUTO VS HULK AND AVENGERS VS LOKI'S ARMY NEXT CHAPTER! LOOK FORWARD TO IT, YA KNOW! And don't you just love Killa? He's a good boy! Erm...most of the time.
So...In the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly! And of course, enjoy the Preview! Its a bit of a teaser and an omake in the same verse! Hope it makes ya smile! I could really use one right about now...
(Preview/Omake!)
Naruto looked up at the wormhole. Then up, up, up again.
"So..an army, hmm." He paused, rummaging through his bag of tricks, humming softly to himself. "Let's see here, no, no, Zangetsu's too flashy. I don't know any of their names, so the Death Note is out. Don't want to summon Cthulu again after what happened last time. Death Star? Naw. AHA! There it is! Come to daddy, my pretty!" Cackling, he plunged a hand into the seemingly harmless sack...
...and just like that, he was holding Excalibur.
"No, this isn't what I was looking for!" He tossed the sword away and dipped his gauntlet into the sack once more. "Ah. There he is." With a mighty heave, he tossed out a man who made even Gods quiver in their very boots. A man whom reality itself bowed to. An entity that death itself feared. A man who attacked sharks when he smelled them bleed.
Out came Chuck Norris, the bearded Texas ranger cracking his knuckles.
The Chitauri took one look at the deadly human and ran away, shrieking.
Tony balked.
"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU KEEPING HIM?!"
Naruto only grinned.
"...places."
"I...you...how?!"
"Fuck you, Stark, that's how." his glib reply was decidedly cheeky.
"That doesn't make any sense!"