A mentor of mine once told me that if you have a problem, smash it.
If a nail pops up in front of you, smack it with a hammer.
And, if you find a girl you love, kiss her.
I have had many mentors over the years, some good, others not so much. Somehow, those words, from that very first universe I visited, always stuck with me. Don't get me wrong, words and diplomacy are all well and good of course, but sometimes-more often than I'd like-words just don't cut it.
Personally, I've always been a fan of that; the direct approach.
Whenever I've encountered a problem, I've run through it-up it-and over it until its no longer a problem for me, no longer an obstalce. I've never once met someone who could stand my way, at least, not for very long, on terms of sheer strength alone. Someone who could actually overpower me, toss me through a wall, and keep going.
Until today; because how can you plan for the Hulk? How can you PLAN to fight a massive rage monster that becomes stronger the angrier he gets? Simple. You can't. You meet brute force with brute force, throw in a little strategy, and hope-pray-that you come out on top.
Now, all I have to say, is this:
NARUTO. SMASH.
That is all.
Hulk was angry.
Well, he was ALWAYS angry, but this was different.
This anger filled him, empowered him, made him stronger than ever before...
..and somehow, someway, he found himself matched. That only made him angrier!
The supposedly puny god was matching him blow for blow, taking his savagery and returning it with something just as angry. Wrath. Hatred. Spite. The two beasts collided again and again and again tossing one another every which way, destroying entire levels as they went. He gave as good as he got, bloodying and bruising him, wounds opening and healing as black and green pounded upon one another. They battled hand to hand, a great fire filling them both as they sought to stifle the life out of one another.
And Hulk hated it!
Level after level burst before them like wet paper bags-girders tossed aside like sticks, planes used as giant clubs to beat one another senseless. Nothing was held back. Everything was a weapon. And when one of those weapons finally inflicted a mortal wound, then...
...then things started to go south.
Because it was then, completely out of the blue, the beast stepped away from him and laughed. Even as black ichor spurted from the stump of his arm he cackled; the laughter of an insane god, bemused by his own blood. He held up the stump of his fifth arm, appraised it, and smiled.
"What's wrong?" he croaked. "Does widdle hulkie need a break? You know, you remind me of another jolly green giant-
"GWOAH!"
Choking on a rush of furious rage, Hulk bounded back into the fight, slamming the asura-like entity into the wall with enough force to shatter his spine. Naruto just laughed at him.
"Yes! YES! Give me a good fight! It's been so long!"
Roaring, Hulk barreled into his opponent and drove him upwards into another level.
Natasha took one look at the twin titans as they blasted past her again...and promptly walked the other way, limping slightly. She'd barely escaped the conflict with her life, and she had no desire to get tangled up in a tangle of testosterone like that again. No, best to find someone she actually stood a chance against, rather than these angry rage gods.
"I'll...just let you two duke it out."
Somewhere in the bowels of the ship, an angry roar reached ears.
"I heard that!"
(Meanwhile...)
Killa was a good boy.
And like any good boy, like any good pet, he did what his master told him to do.
Because Master was his all.
Master had raised him since he was a nestling. Master had taken him out of that woman's chest when he was born and spared him. He, the last of his kind, an abomination most wouldn't have given a second glance. But Master did. Master was kind. Master always gave him treats, always scratched his crest in juuuuuuuuust the right place. Master took him to strange new worlds and let him hunt all sorts of prey. Master always tended to his wounds, and Master always made sure he was safe and warm.
Master was always good, and so, Killa was good to him in return.
Yes, Killa was a very, very good boy.
And he was about to live up to his namesake.
(Deeper within the Heli-carrier...)
Alex was the first to die.
Covering the incursion team's tail, rifle in hand, he never noticed the barbed tail that dropped down around his throat until it was pulled tight and his windpipe had closed shut. With a jerk on the tail his spine snapped in twine. Then, silent and unseen, his twitching corpse was hauled upward, into the shadows. In its place, Killa dropped down, forsaking its perch to creep up behind the encroaching aggressors. Years of breeding prepared it for this; creeping forward seamlessly, soundlessly, on all fours.
Its prey on the other hand, was woefully unprepared for the terror stalking them in the night. Baring its fangs, he beast shifted, ever so slightly.
A moment later, Barton faltered as a breeze brushed his cheek.
"What in the-?"
Another traitorous agent-Maxwell, if he recalled correctly?-turned at the same moment that the beast's deadly tail appeared from thin air and impaled him with such force that he was pinned to the steel wall behind him. Eyes bulging, the machine gun flew from his hand. Gore spurted from his nose and mouth before he could shout a warning to the others.
Sensing danger, Barton hit the floor, dragging a man with him. It saved his life.
He landed hard on his ribs and was rewarded with the fleeting image of the xenomorph as it bull-tackled another of his men into a grate, spitting him on a jagged piece of pipe. A deadly arrow was already notched and all but flying by the time the creature turned-too late, it closed around nothing but empty air, clattering across the floor as the beast blithely bounded back to the safety of the vents once more.
"Damnitall!" He cursed.
A chittering hiss answered him from above; almost as if the creature were laughing at his plight.
There were very few things in this world that could unnerve Clint Barton, but Killa had done just that. Crept into his head and planted the first seeds of fear; now they began to grow, their roots latching onto his mind in swift, sinister succession, threading through his mind.
Even with his very psyche under Loki's control, he was quite capable of thought, and capable of fear. Which meant-
Like greased lightning the tail shot down, forsaking stealth entirely. Langson stood there for a moment, then slowly, eerily, his head slit from his shoulders, toppling to the deck with a wet thud. His body followed only a moment later. Just like that, Clint was alone. He and his bow. A clawed hand lashed out from nowhere, and then he didn't even have that, paralyzed as the massive paw swatted his weapon away as though it were only a child's plaything, not the deadly tool of his trade, sending it clattering across the corridor.
Weaponless, but not defenseless, Hawkeye stared down the beast...
Oh. Shit.
...and Killa leered back with a heart stopping hiss.
"Oh." was all he managed.
The Alien whipped its bony tail around, dislodging the dead man and hurling his dead carcass into a dank corner. Legs spread wide, clawed arms raised, the alien kicked Maxwell's ruined corpse aside, clearing the arena between it and its prey. Slime oozing from his lipless mouth, Killa bobbed his shiny, elongated head and thrashed his tail side to side as he issued a sibilant challenge. Finally, impatient, his toothy mouth opened and the black beast spit at the archer in angry defiance.
That defiance was not well met.
Fuck!
Rational thought abandoned Barton. Sanity escaped him, his body refusing to obey the scepter's command to stand and fight. Hand to hand? With this beast?! Not happening! Nope nope nope NOPE!
Faced with this creature from hell, he screamed like a little girl and turned to get the hell out of there-
-and slammed right into a wall.
The beast thumped him viciously on the head with its tail, knocking the archer out cold before he could do further damage to himself.
Killa paused, sniffed the prone body, scoffed, and climbed back into the vents once more. Master had said not to hunt this one, so he wouldn't. But there were other intruders. Other prey, creeping about Master's home-HIS home!-and more prey meant the more to hunt, yes, so much more. With a soft, hissing laugh, the alien found another vent and vanished into the bowels of the ship.
The hunt had begun...
...and it was going to be a loooong evening.
(Meanwhile, with Naruto and Hulk...)
"SMASH!"
Naruto grunted in surprise as a smoking green fist smashed into his visage, dislocating his jaw and launching him across the deck-through three walls-and into a hangar. There was a moment of pained, awkward silence as the ebon entity lay there, stiff and unmoving. Then one of his six arms rose, rubbing his broken mouth. A sickening pop resounded as he pushed the ruined remnants of his fanged maw back into place. Coughing, his head rolled upright, just in time to see a green freight train of pure rage barreling down on him.
"Okay, so I guess we're doing this, now!"
The two titans slammed together with a sickening thud once more; a shuddering impact that sent both beasts reeling away, only to come together once again. Howls and thrashes accompanied their charge, the intensity of their rage shaking all the world around them.
Nothing could stand between them. The very heli-carrier itself threatened to shake itself apart.
Hulk lashed out, striking a backhanded blow against against the demon's gnashing jaw. Naruto staggered. Then, in an impossible movement the six-armed entity spun, smashing a fist into his adversary's snarling visage in a satisfying spurt of green blood. The cold deck kissed his face and he lay there for a moment, stunned. A black foot slammed down onto his back, clawed feet digging into the meat of his back.
"Sheesh! Smash, smash, smash! You really should to go counseling for that-whoa! Missed me! Try again, pal!" With a nimbleness that belied his girth, the six armed creature bounded away from another wild swing and scurried up a wall. "Ha! Take that, Spiderman! This shit is easy!" Pausing, he leered down at him, frowning. "Damnit Banner, don't make me play the dick card here...
Hulk swung around, but the beast simply dropped down on him and smashed him down to the deck once more, opening a hole in the already ravaged decking. But Hulk wasn't finished yet; he grabbed Naruto's leg, and with a startled squawk the blond went tumbling down after him into the belly of the ship.
Two hands closed around his head, squeezing.
"C'mon now! Get angry! Give me a fight!"
Growling, the green giant bashed him in the head. The demon cacked and bashed him right back, dislodging something in Hulk's mouth-
Ground.
They struck the lowest level with a dull THUD of sound, and in an instant, the black demon was upon him.
"WHAT'S WRONG?!" Those deadly fangs snapped mere millimeters from his face, snarling. "If you're this weak, maybe I should go visit your cousin! Jennifer! Does Hulk understand that?!
The world's angriest man spat out a tooth and howled, tackling him.
"HULK! SMASH! YOU!"
"THAT'S MORE LIKE IT GREEN BOY!"
Bodies intertwined as one, the thrashing creatures rolled end over end, kicking and clawing and punching, their wails of rage and pain echoing throughout the hangar. Gaining the upper hand, Hulk hovered over his prey with a satisfied grunt, and an arm cocked back. The demon's secondary arms shot up, stopping those bruising green knuckles mere inches from his battle-damaged face.
With an echoing roar, Naruto heaved the green, howling creature aside and sprang to his feet. Whirling to face the savage beast, he raised a wrist-
The Hulk, his muscular arms flung wide, launched himself forward in a powerful bounding leap-
-and crashed through the view-port as Naruto stepped aside.
He simply turned and let momentum have its way...
Then gravity had its say.
"TAKE A HIKE!"
Glass ruptured before him, and it was then that Hulk realized he had nothing to grab onto, that he was falling.
Falling...
..falling...
Naruto's demonic form lumbered out of the hole to observe his handiwork; the savage creature staring down at the rapidly receding green speck in the distance with satisfaction. Cocking its head back, the deity made a wet smacking sound and spat into the night after him. Still scoffing, he wheeled away from the opening, smiling.
"Puny hulk."
Shuddering, the asura became human once more; muscles shrinking, arms shuddering back into its hardened torso. With a series of harsh, clicking pops the body rearranged itself, monster melding back into man, those eerie red eyes fading back to their usual, true blue. Thus divested of his shirt, he dusted himself off, quietly picking pieces of steel and shrapnel out of his shoulders. It always itched when he grew muscle and flesh over those sharp little pinpricks, and-
Then, and only then, did he notice the sheer amount of destruction he'd wrought.
Jaws dropped.
"Ah, man." Naruto winced slightly. "I think I mighta gotten a little carried away. I pulled a damn Indy! Speaking of which...
Whistling softly, Uzumaki Naruto padded away in search of more victims.
"Maybe its time I let her and the others out to play...
Raising a hand, he snapped his fingers together with a loud...
...craaaack!
"Play time, my pretties!"
Needles to say, all hell broke loose.
(Outside...)
Steve Rogers was staring at...
...well, he wasn't exactly sure what he was looking at, exactly.
It was small, it was green, and it was currently...eating the enemy soldiers like they were cakes. Well, perhaps not so much eat as swallowing them and crapping out eggs. It then proceeded to take said eggs, no doubt filled with its victims-and lob them out into the night to their doom. Those who underestimated it soon joined their fellows as shrieking, muffled eggs flung out to their death. Its red tongue snared everything in its path with terrifying speed, gobbling it all down and spitting it out in its little green-white buds with horrifying temerity.
It was the most terrifying thing he'd ever seen. And somehow, someway, he just knew Naruto had something to do with it.
Then, its task complete, the little devil turned towards him. Large, black eyes met his.
He gulped.
"Um...good boy?"
There was a terrible silence. And then.
And then:
"Yoshi!"
Chirruping happily, the creature scuttled away in search of more prey. Captain America silently wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. Sinking down against the wall, he exhaled heavily, keenly aware just how close to death he'd come at the hands of that eerily cute little beast.
"Right. Sure. Let's go with that."
Dear lord, he needed a vacation after all this stress...
...while, for others, their ordeal had only just begun.
(Within the broken rotor...)
"Huh. Giant sword. Apparently its real."
A suit of metal stared at a suit of armor.
And the armor stared back.
"Okay...I don't remember blondie mentioning this. Jarvis?"
"I'd recommend not shooting it, sir."
"No, no, no, sure. I mean, its not like I have a death wish or anything." Of course Tony didn't have a death wish; he was just trapped inside a giant fan blade, trying to figure out how to start the damn thing without getting chopped to pieces. Not a death wish at all...
"If sir does, perhaps I should call miss Potts?"
There was a pause.
"You know, I'm really starting to wonder if you're on my side after that upgrade, buddy." Tony snarked. "You got the hots for that AI or something? Because I can totally see the attraction," Jarvis tried to pipe up, but too late; too late indeed, his master was already off on another of his infamous rants. There was no stopping him now. "I mean, she's a nice piece of pixels and data, not to mention she's got a nice-"
"SIR!"
Another pause followed, this one heavier than the last. This time, the synthetic sounded almost...embarrassed.
...I don't want to talk about it."
"Screw it, I'll take my chances."
"Very good sir."
Snark or not, Tony Stark wasn't entirely sure whether he wanted to fight or flight as he truly laid eyes upon the imposing Night Terror, the very essence and willpower of Soul Edge-the bastard blade slaved to the even stronger will of a mad god incarnate-made manifest. The scarlet creature glared back at him, near silent with its intent. It seemed to be shaking, vibrating, with the very acting of standing still.
Whatever it was, it wasn't ripping him in half, so that had to be good.
Right?
Although one did wonder how the devil this thing had gotten in here with him...?
Soul Edge clutched firmly in hand, the now-crimson knight didn't seem to bear him any ill intent. Instead of attacking, the great, hulking creature shouldered him aside and placed one hand against the savaged rotor. A grunt followed, its lone eye boring into him with obvious intent. A single thought stabbed into his mind.
'Push, puny human.'
"Alright, alright, don't be so pushy. Heh. Made a joke there."
A growl told him the blade was less than amused with his wit.
It simply grunted, wedged its hand into the broken fan beside him, and mimed an effort.
Then, together, man and armor...
...they pushed.
(Elsewhere...)
"What the motherfuckin' shit is this?"
Nick Fury was just about ready to throw some mother fucker out a mother fucking window.
Not only was S.H.I.E.L.D under attack by deadly hostile enemy forces, not only did he have a rogue deity to contend with, NOT ONLY was he contending with the madness that was Uzumaki Naruto but now, on top of all those aforementioned woes, he was getting reports of all manner of crazy creatures running about his base. His! Base! Agent Hill had practically passed out of sheer fright when that crazy xenomorph had crawled out of the vents and dropped an unconscious agent Barton at their feet.
At least that damn thing was being useful!
Worse, it seemed the rest of his team-and he used the term loosely-was losing their minds.
Stark insisted he was seeing a flying suit of armor, Cap swore he'd faced down a little green dinosaur and Thor well...
...god, he didn't even want to think about that. Who the hell was afraid of a talking pop tart?
Not him! Raptors though, that was a different story...ah, but he digressed.
Now, he was staring at a large pink thing that vaguely resembled a human. Not a raptor, thank god.
That said pink blob had turned most of their attackers-along with a good portion of his own agents!-into candy and was currently eating them was not lost on Fury, not in the least. He'd seen strange things in his day, but the transmutation of human beings into edible food was right up there with day turning into night and vice versa. It certainly did help ol' blobby had popped a squat right in the control room, and, didn't seem too keen on leaving. The lone agent who'd tried was currently missing half of his...well, everything.
And that only made him angrier!
"The fuck're you?!"
It had only one word for him.
"Buu!"
Buu. Of course it was Buu. Because they didn't have enough nonsensical creatures on this ship!
Don't snap, don't snap, for the love of god, Fury, do not snap...
He chanted the words like a mantra in his mind, struggling to keep his anger in check. After the evening he'd had, it was like trying to bridge a dam with sticks. Water was bound to leak around the cracks in a dam like that, and so too did his anger, boiling, thrashing, threatening to slip its leash and rage out of control.
"Well, Buu," he began with an effort, "I need you to turn my people back to normal. Now."
"Buu not like you!" the creature cried, scowling. "You no Naruto! Buu no listen!"
A muscle jumped in Fury's jaw.
"Ohhhhh, yes you will listen you little-
"BUU NO LIKE YOU! MAKE YOU CHOCOLATE!"
"HOLD IT!"
Incredibly, the creature actually paused.
Fury nearly shot the voice for speaking regardless, until he recognized the speaker herself, standing at his elbow.
Battered and tattered, her red hair sticking up at an angle, her body covered in dirt, grime, and lord knew what else, Natasha Romanoff reported for duty. She looked a sorry sight, favoring her right leg over the left, but somehow she was still in one piece despite the chaos raging throughout the base. That she was here at all was baffling to the extreme; the spy looked like she'd been crawling in the vents for the last hour now. How she was still alive with that crazy alien about was beyond him.
"Romanoff? I thought you were dealing with doctor Banner?"
That phrase got him a look of bloody red daggers.
"With all due respect sir...hell no. Here, let me handle this." before he could thrash her for insubordination she sauntered over to the giant gelatinous blob and tapped it on the shoulder. By contrast, Buu gave her his full attention, a rotund head turning an one hundred and eight degrees to look her square in the eyes.
"Buu, right?" Natash asked lightly.
The majin nodded slowly.
"You're Naruto's friend, right?"
"Hmm...yes! Naruto Buu's friend! Bestest and only friend!"
The surety-innocence-with which it spoke momentarily gave the spy pause. Naruto didn't strike her as the sort to make friends. Much less with a...being like this.
Interesting.
Perhaps she'd misjudged him, after all.
"But you're eating Naruto's other friends." she pointed out, indicating the gumballs in the majin's gloved hands. "Naruto wouldn't like that, would he? If you eat all of them, it would make him sad." The creature seemed to consider that for a long moment, pondering her words with an intelligence that belied its girth. And then, to Fury's disbelief...it listened.
It was like flipping a switch.
"Buu like pretty lady. Buu listen."
Fury balked, eye twitching as the strange tentacle on Buu's head twitched. A bright pink light engulfed the gumballs and just like that, the agents found themselves restored. A few were traumatized over being turned to candy, gibbering quietly to themselves. The rest were simply happy to be alive, and not food for the ravenous pink menace.
Dumbfounded, Fury turned that eye on Romanoff.
"How did you do that?"
Natasha smirked.
"Trade secret."
(Deeper still in the Heli-carrier...)
Loki was not pleased.
Not in the least.
'Kill him. I am going to KILL that blithering idiot, if its the last thing I do!'
Not only had his plans been thwarted-so much thwarting!-but he was still trapped in this infernal chamber, hanging over a precarious pit safeguarded by only a thin layer of oscilating metal. Every tremor from the beasts beating upon one another shook his cage, a dread feeling of inching toward certain doom. He wasn't entirely certain he'd survive a fall from this height, and that uncertainty gnawed at him like a feral beast itself, making him fret all the more.
Loki didn't like to fret.
He knew that, should he fall, he likely wouldn't have time to break free. His talents did not lay in the realm of brute strength, but of the mind and manipulation. He really, really, REALLY didn't want to fall...
Then suddenly, incredibly, the doors opened.
For a moment he simply stood there, baffled. His head turned, half-expecting to find a certain rogue god responsible for his liberation. When no such being appeared, he almost dared to hope that this was an act of fate, a sign that, perhaps, things were finally looking up for him. Surely, it must be a sign!
"Well, that's certainly...convenient."
Out of the corner of his eye one of his followers-easily identified by the bright blue light of his eyes-bustled forward, bearing his weapon in hand. Loki accepted it with all the grace of a king. Ah. So nice to have someone you could rely on. Good help was so hard to find these days-
Alas, it was not meant to be.
He took a step forward-
Click.
A dull blast of heat and fire slammed into his helper, blasting the man to ash on the spot.
Sighing, Loki turned in the direction.
Agent Coulson was waiting there for him, strange rifle in hand. He raised an eyebrow, smiling.
"Fancy meeting you here."
Once, in a different universe, Loki would've toyed with him.
Now?
'Enough! I tire of these mortals!'
In a single, blinding flicker his illusion vanished.
By the time the determined agent realized what was happening, it was already too late. He found himself lifted up, impaled from behind by the scepter, skewered like a fish. Pausing just long enough to cast him aside, the asgardian moved to the catwalk-
-and came face to face with a rather imposing weapon, found himself staring down a familiar barrel. The muzzle of that cannon exuded warmth, suggesting it had been discharged, recently. Far too recently for his liking. The expressionless slit of Naruto's infamous Peacekeeper suit remained utterly emotionless-genderless-but the voice that emanated from was decidedly female. And she sounded far too smug for his liking.
"Now, now, I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"Lets not be hasty-" The trickster God started, shifting slightly to the side-
WHUMP.
A dull thud cracked in his ears as the beam rifle discharged mere millimeters from his face, blasting a fist-sized hole in the floor of his cage. And another when he tried to duck. Spiderweb cracks splintered in the glass, the small fissures spreading madly as he looked on.
"Don't. Move." it was not a suggestion, this time. "Hands where I can see them."
"And so the mad god sends his suit to fight in his stead." he sneered, raising his hands in contemptuous surrender, dropping the staff. "A bit of data in a metal shell, pretending to be alive. Is he too cowardly to face me himself? He hides behind you and his trinkets, his trophies, using you to do his dirty deeds."
"Hardly." Cortana scoffed. "He has bigger fish to fry."
As if to echo that very thought, a distant tremor shook the room. Loki looked up, laughing.
"Ah yes," his hands clapped together with a loud, satisfied pop, "The green monster pretending to be a man. A most formidable opponent. I daresay even he would struggle with such a foe."
A small, tinny laugh answered him. "The boss's fought worse and survived. I know him."
"Do you?"
Cortana didn't rise to the verbal jab; she simply raised her weapon a little higher and shot his chest full of plasma.
"Oomph!"
Breath gusted out of his lungs with a mighty wheeze as he flew backwards, his back crushing against the nearest wall of the chamber. His chest protested violently, the searing burn aching vigorously through his armor like a thing alive. Muttering crossly he sat up, flinching slightly at the grievous ache. His armor-what little he had-must've serve its purpose, because he was still alive. Alive, and less than pleased.
"My god, do you have any idea how long its going to take for me to-
"You rang, good sir?"
Loki's head snapped up as a familiar, inane voice chimed in his ear. A shadowy, spiky-haired being whispered into existence before him, grinning. As though the mere mention of god had drawn him here. Hmm. Perhaps it had. Bastard had a knack for showing up where he was least wanted, after all.
"You."
"Me." Naruto beamed back at him, his blue eyes hidden by...were those sunglasses? Why the devil was he wearing those at night?! "Now then, stop me if you've heard this before."
"Heard wha-
"LIBERATION!"
With a cry renowned the world over, the whiskered warrior lashed out with his boot and Loki tasted blood in his mouth.
The subsequent impact launched him clear out of the containment chamber, his body skidding and flipping across the deck. A kick like that would've broken most men; it was only Loki's Asgardian physiology-and surely legions of fans-that spared him the fate of becoming a greasy red smear upon the nearest wall. Instead he lay there, groaning, insensate as strong footsteps plodded towards him.
"Boss, you've got to stop taking those walks of yours," Cortana quipped.
"And these people need to hook up some godamn DSL in here." her partner shot back, with snark to spare. "You can't blame me for going overboard when there's so little to do~!"
Loki groaned.
"Oh, I think he's still alive."
"Hmm? He is? Great!"
Dimly, the asgardian became aware of movement; he was being lifted by the collar, forced to confront his tormentor. Those eerie glasses reflected nothing, but his smile was telling. It spoke entire volumes of what this mad demon god intended to do to him and Loki wanted no part of it. No part! Not even a little bit! Not at all! He wanted to get far, far, FAR away from this madman as he could.
"Have I ever told you the definition of insanity?" Naruto asked pleasantly.
"I get the feeling you're going to, anyway." the battered god sighed, looking away.
"Quite right!"
Another kick, another crack in the glass.
"Insanity is," Naruto began merrily as Loki writhed beneath him, clutching his groin in agony, "Doing the same, exact, fucking thing, over and over and OVER AGAIN, expecting shit to change. Did you know that? No? Seriously? I thought you, of all people would understand. But you don't, do ya?" his head cocked aside madly, grinning. "That. Is. Crazy. No no no no, this time! No no no, please, this time will be different. But it isn't different after all is it, Loki? I told you, remember? World domination's just too much work!"
"And what would you have me do?" the trickster gasped.
"Well, you refuse to flood the world with ramen, so there's really no helping you, I suppose...here."
To his dismay, then disbelief, Loki found himself dropped to the floor. Moments later his staff, gemstone and all, came sailing through the air towards him. He caught it deftly, securing the powerful weapon in his grasp the moment it was within reach again. He had his weapon back, after losing it. Twice. Yet still, he doubted its existence. What was this, a trap of some sort?
"How did you...?"
"God, remember?" Naruto drawled, rubbing his fingers together. "For the love of me, I'm getting REALLY tired of people being surprised at what I can do. For example, I could just zap you up to the moon-"
"-I'd really rather you didn't!-"
"DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK?!"
He spat blood as another boot found his face.
"Now, where was I...?"
For some reason, the insufferable man was still wearing those sunglasses, despite the scarlet stains upon them. Loki glowered at his own reflection, resisting the urge to strike. He had the distinct feeling that the blond would just turn any sort of surprise attack back on him. Even so, he couldn't quite let the sentiment go.
"You do realize I'm going to kill you the moment you turn your back."
Naruto hummed and nodded sagely.
"You're angry, Loki. I get that. I'm angry, too. Almost all the time, in fact. But, you see, I find whatever doesn't kill you makes you...stranger. Suffice it to say I'm pretty strange by now. I'm not good, not evil, hell, I'm pretty sure I'm not even neutral. I'm just...me. I do what I want, when I want, who I want. Huh." His head tilted, pondering. "Probably went too far on the last bit, eh, Cortana?"
"You think?"
"Regardless," he continued with a jaunty laugh, "This little invasion of yours presents a unique...opportunity, if played out properly, ya know. A chance for me to cut on loose and have some fun. That's all I'm really here for. Entertainment. I'm not worried about death," his hand waved nonchalantly. "I can fix that. It's been ages since I had the chance to fight an entire army like yours-
"Ahem." Cortana coughed loudly. "I thought we agreed we were going to STOP the alien invasion, this time?"
"C'mon, what's the worst that could happ-
Her reply was decidedly icy.
"District. Nine. In. Reverse."
Naruto sighed, visibly deflating like a spent ballon. "Fine, fine, ruin all the fun. Put the fun in camps, why don't you?"
"Someone has to keep you on track."
"Jeez, alright, sorry Loki. Looks like I'm gonna be the good guy-ugh!-and stop ya."
Loki was expecting him to pull something out of his handy utility belt.
He wasn't expecting it to glow, however.
With a terrifying sound recognized worlds over, the blond ignited the Lightsaber and stepped forward. A crimson bar of wrathful red rose from the cylinder, erupting outward with a bright glower of light, the very picture of a deadly weapon coalesced in this brilliant beam of light.
"What manner of trinket is that?"
"This trinket, as you call it," Naruto purred, moving his humming blade from side to side with a dull thrum, "Is a lightsaber, plucked from the corpse of a sith lord." He moved it again, the amber blade casting his face in orange relief. "I rather like the color, don't you? I think it suits me. I mean, blue and green are nice and all, but let's face it; red is baddass. Dramatic. Lethal. It ain't a pansy color. So? What're you waiting for? Have at thee!"
"You must be joking." Loki found himself raising his staff at the blond's approach.
"Do I look like I'm kidding around?"
"Actually-
However, before the two gods could engage one another in the timeless art of swordplay...
Naruto stiffened.
"Oh. Seems we have company..."
His words trailed off as the sound of hurried footfalls reached his ears. Naruto cocked his head like a curious fox as soldiers stormed the room-the distinctive click of armed rifles raised in his and Cortana's direction told him they weren't exactly the friend sort. His saber lowered marginally, molten tip grazing the ground and drawing sparks.
"I brought some friends." Loki smiled, spreading his hands and stepping away. "I'm terribly sorry to cut this short, but I have pressing matters to attend to. Thank you ever so kindly for returning my staff. I hope you don't mind if I step out." As expected, his adversary didn't bat an eyelash at the remark.
"You do know this won't stop me." he hummed.
"No, but it will slow you." Loki shot back. "How long will it take you? Thirty seconds? Maybe more? By then, I'll be long gone."
"Heh."
He wasn't expecting the laugh.
It burst out of Naruto suddenly and without warning, completely unexpected. A rich, ricocheting sound that bounced off the metal walls and ceiling. It was the laughter of a mad god, made merrily insane through choice, not consequence. He gave one final, tittering chuckle and straightened, those eerie black, opaque glasses reflecting the Asgardian's dismayed expression within. Wiping a mirthful tear from his eyes, the horned deity did a little spin on his right heel, sighing like an indulgent parent.
"Ah, Loki, Loki, my dear Loki-kun...you never learn."
In that moment, he reached for those sunglasses. He didn't remove them however, his fingers simply brushing the bleak plastic.
"Tell me, do you know Albert Wesker?"
"Albert who?"
"Pity. Didn't think you did. I stole this line from him. Right before I killed the cheeky dick waffle. By the way, about your friends, well...
...you should've brought more."
His fingers snapped, and what had once been a precarious catwalk surrounding the cage suddenly became a flat surface, solid in its steel. Another snap of those gloved fingers and the air parted, ruptured, tearing itself to pieces in a way that Loki had only seen once before. He stared into the void, and the void stared back. A single, glowing orange eye appeared within, a being so enormous that Naruto'd had to reshape the very room itself to make space for her.
Then, that something else was in the room with them.
Something...
...big.
"ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
'Well, that's just lovely!'
A grey-white blur of wrath and terror swarmed over Loki's men with a snarl, giant teeth clamping around three and tearing them to bloody pieces in the time that it took most men to blink. In the next instant she spun, a whip-like tail scything out to crush her enemies, giant, pillar-like legs stomping those underfoot. It was a great beast of a monster that put even a Tyranosaur to shame, and now, she was looking at him...oh Odin, he knew this wasn't going to end well, not well at all...
Indominus Rex lowered her head and roared, spattering Loki with blood and saliva, drenching him head to toe in bodily fluids. Noxious breath-the scent of decay-washed over him, the smell of death promising a terrible and painful death between those jaws.
The Asgardian went pale beneath that thick sheen of moisture and blood.
He barely registered it.
"Oh." the word forced itself out of his throat in a soft squeak. "This...this is new."
A low, bestial rumble greeted him.
Her eyes burned like fire, slit eyes regarding him with frightening intelligence. The she turned and, in a lightning fast motion, bit Naruto's head-and most of his shoulders-off in one clean bite. Loki couldn't help himself at that. Now it was he who laughed, a disbelieving bark of mirth leaping from his parched throat. That laughter died when those arms moved, feeling around for his head. No. Stricken, he could only look on as a hand gave a mighty tug, reaching into his chest cavity and pulled out the rest of his missing torso.
"Owowowowowow!" the newly regenerated deity hissed, rubbing at his face. "What was that for?!"
She clicked her teeth at him.
"Hey, I wasn't ignoring you! I was busy! Saving the world take a lot out of me!"
A belligerent snort followed, large orange eyes rolling.
"Don't you give me that look, young lady! You're not too old to be grounded, ya know!"
The mighty rex huffed, and just like that, her titanic form began to blur. Rippling like water, her hide shifting, shrinking, compacting...
Within a matter of moments, Loki was looking at a young woman.
Clad in a scarlet sundress-the color of blood, he noted-he couldn't help but notice she looked rather...fierce. Bits of white scale lined her brow and face in indiscernable patterns, intricate white lines swirling across a slim visage and body, only enhancing her primal beauty. The shade of her skin stood not far cry from the grey-white beast he'd seen only moments before. She stood a full head shorter than her master, but even her lack of height couldn't detract from the sheer amount of menace she exuded.
"Don't. Ignore. Me." Her voice could've put the loveliest of sirens to shame, softer than satin sheets, yet her clipped tone was sharper than any blade. It was the voice of a beast, but also a human, one and the same, an indomitable beast that made absolutely no sense at all.
'Who...what...when...where...why...how...?!'
In that moment, Loki's mind was well and truly fucked.
"I suppose you want a turn with him, then." Naruto sighed, switching off his saber, hooking it to his belt.
Indy's smirk widened and she nodded. Leaning back on her perch she puffed out her chest and stretched her arms up over her head. Her bosom swelled suggestively, and the indomitable hybrid eyed the soldiers in the room with a dangerously bloodthirsty gleam in her eyes. Loki balked. He knew that look! That look was nothing good! That it was coming from a young girl who only moments before, had been a towering predator, well it was enough to make him outright soil himself.
"Madness." he whispered.
The blond beamed. "I'm glad you think so. Sic 'em!"
Instinct took over.
'Nope, nope, nope, ABSOLUTELY NOT!'
Balking, he stumbled back from the approaching -
-and the door to his prison slammed shut on his face, sealing him in the containment chamber once more. Indy skidded to a half only a few feet away, a clawed digit tapping at the glass. Grinning, she etched out a lone word into the reflective surface, a word as timeless as it had meaning.
"Gotcha."
"WHAT?! No!"
"Now, what did Fury say?" Loki spun about to see Naruto approaching a familiar console, grinning like a foxy devil. "Thirty thousand feet down in a steel trap? See, that... would hurt me. That'd hurt me a lot." His hand hovered over the console, fingers splayed cheerfully. "I'm willing to bet it'd hurt you even more, ya know? Hope you survive, though. It'd be a crying shame to kill someone like you. Here, I'll even give you a parachute."
Loki banged furiously against the glass, uncaring for the parcel that had just landed on his back.
"Release me at once! I command you!"
"Nope!" Indy chirruped.
"If you kill me, you'll never find the Tesseract!"
"I already know where it is." Naruto replied, his hand inching forward.
"I can offer you wealth! Power!"
"Don't need 'em."
I have blundered.
That was his last thought before Naruto's hand slammed down on the release button. With a whirring hiss, the steel opened beneath his feet, wind keening. Horrified, he could only clutch at his staff. He eyed a crack in the glass, mind racing. Maybe, just maybe he could-
"Have a nice fall!"
Loki looked down, balking as the sky opened beneath him, then glowered at his tormentor. Oh, if only looks could kill!
"You insufferable, arrogant, miserable piece of festering waaaaaaaaaa-
That was all he had time for before the canister plunged downward to earth with a dull whoosh of sound Before long one could barely see it in the stormy sky, plunging through the black clouds of night until it was little more than distant white speck on the horizon, then, not even that.
"You do realize that probably won't kill him." Cortana said, peering down the chute.
"Maybe," Naruto admitted, shrugging. "Maybe not. One way or another though...
...it will piss him off."
As luck would have it, it also pissed off everyone else.
(Sunrise...)
"ARE YOU INSANE?!"
Naruto offered a jaw-popping yaw as Fury's shouted washed over him with, well...fury. More words followed, blah, blah, anger, blah blah rage, blah blah blah, compromised mission, blah. Finally he turned his head from where he sat at the table, calmly craning his head up once he was certain the director's tirade had ended. The one-eyed man looked to be all of three seconds from reaching across the table and strangling the life out of him.
And he very well might have, were it not for a protective Indy curled up in his lap. Even as he looked on she nipped at Killa when he tried to claim her spot, body bristling. The xenomorph retreated with a whine and had to content itself with an errant head rub from its master instead.
One look at Fury's wrathful expression and they both hissed, Indy's predominant fangs peeking up behind the swell of her lips, and the xenomorph's second mouth snapping threateningly.
"I am quite in control of my faculties, I assure you." Naruto replied, stroking her hair with one hand and Killa's crest with the other. They purred happily, anger forgotten. "We won, didn't we? The sun's coming up, and I count that we haven't lost a man...well, not too many. Are we counting the one's Buu ate?"
Despite himself, Tony snickered.
Fury's glare put paid to that.
"We won?" the deadpan was barely concealed, outright murderous, even. "The heli-carrier is damaged almost beyond repair, doctor Banner is missing, you just killed our only lead, and you say we WON? You and I have very different definitions of the word, Naruto."
"I did not kill Loki." came the reply.
Thor and Fury perked up as one.
"What?"
"He's alive." Naruto drawled, idly rubbing two fingers together. "I slapped a hiraishin, that'd be a flying-thunder-god for those of ya who don't know Japanese, mark on him during our scuffle. It'd tell me if he was dead. Which, I might add, it hasn't. And thus I know that's fine. Battered, bruised, but alive."
The asgardian groaned.
"Do not do that again, friend Naruto."
"No promises."
Fury wasn't one to be dissuaded, however.
"That doesn't change the fact that we have no way of tracking the cube now that you saw fit to knock him out of our lap."
"Okay, first off, nasty analogy. Let's not go there again. Second,"
He drew a deep breath.
"Might I add that I was a great help here to everyone, today? No? Pretty sure I was. Lets see," he began to count off on his fingers, "I helped Stripes over there, Stark with the rotor, single-handedly prevented the Hulk from destroying everything in sight, saved Coulson's life, and kept the bridge from being compromised beyond repair. Really, the only one I traumatized was Thor with the talking pop tart and a few people with gumball issues. And we have Barton back! Good solid name, that. Barton. Barton. Baaaaaarton-
Natasha threw a cup at him. It shattered harmlessly against his skull.
"Barton." he said one last time.
"Naruto!"
"Alright, alright, I've got it out of my system. Maybe."
Shaking himself, he continued.
"Look, the point is, a good man almost died today because we didn't have our act together. How many will it take next time, huh? A dozen? Hundred?" he stood abruptly, dislodging Indy with a yelp. "I've been down this road before and I do not like it when innocents die." His finger slammed against the table almost casually, shattering it. "If I hadn't been here? Coulson would be gone. Dead. Buried. In the ground. So, after all I've done today, I think I deserve a little leeway! And you-all of you-need to be better!"
"What are you proposing?"
Naruto glowered at Steve.
"I'm proposing that you lot set your differences aside, get your fucking act together and work as a team." his gaze swept over them all, glowering. "Because I sure as fuck don't plan on saving this world by myself. So I "propose" dear Stevie, that ya'll shape up, or shut up. Simple as that."
"Well?"
There was a strangled silence.
Everyone exchanged looks.
...I think we can do that."
"Oh. Well, good." Naruto deflated sheepishly. "That makes this easier. For a second there, I thought I'd have to dig into my bag of tricks, or-
Tony zeroed in on the grimace almost immediately.
"Why?"
"Because I may just-so-happen to know where he plans to unleash this army of his."
"Why didn't you just say so?!"
A blink.
"Why didn't you ask?"
"For the love of-TELL US!"
"Well, Loki's the sort to make a statement. That's what its been about from the get-go. He wants to be recognized, to be acknowledged. Its his ego. He can't ignore it. So naturally he's going to go for one of the biggest, brightest buildings around, and I think we all know that'd probably be-
"Stark Tower." Tony finished quietly. It didn't last. "My tower!" he shot up fro the ruined table with a yelp, tugging at his hair. "Uh-uh. Not happening. No way in hell. I just built that thing!"
Natasha blanched.
"Well, this is less than optimal."
Naruto snorted.
"Bah! If we're working together, what's the worst that could-
-happen."
He finished hours later, looking up at the gaping wormhole in the sky.
Then up, up, up again.
All around them the city screamed and wailed in sheer, bloody terror, people panicking as hordes of Chitauri spilled from the sky. The battle had only just begun and already there was mass panic and chaos. He could just imagine Cortana scolding him for letting the situation get out of hand. But he'd really been curious...!
"THIS!" Tony ranted at him. "This could happen! You just had to say it, didn't you?!"
Whatever Naruto might've said ended in a strangled yelp as he ducked under an overpass. Iron Man wasn't far beyond, blasting a hapless chitauri who came too close.
"Sorry!" the blond hissed. "Just give me a sec!"
"In case you haven't noticed, we don't HAVE a...what are you doing?"
"So..an army, hmm." He paused, rummaging through his bag of tricks, humming softly to himself. "Let's see here, no, no, Zangetsu's too flashy. I don't know any of their names, so the Death Note is out. Don't want to summon Cthulu again after what happened last time. Death Star? Naw. AHA! There it is! Come to daddy, my pretty!" Cackling, he plunged a hand into the seemingly harmless sack...
...and just like that, he was holding Excalibur.
Iron man nearly choked on his own spit. "What in the...
"No, this isn't what I was looking for!" He tossed the sword away and dipped his gauntlet into the sack once more. "Ah. There he is." With a mighty heave, he tossed out a man who made even Gods quiver in their very boots. A man whom reality itself bowed to. An entity that death itself feared. A man who attacked sharks when he smelled them bleed.
Out came Chuck Norris, the bearded Texas ranger, cracking his knuckles.
The Chitauri took one look at this deadly, almighty human and ran away, shrieking.
Tony balked.
"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU KEEPING HIM?!"
Naruto only grinned.
"...places."
"I...you...how?!"
"Fuck you, Stark, that's how." his glib reply was decidedly cheeky.
"That doesn't make any sense!"
What followed was an absolute massacre of hilarity and insanity...
...one the universe would never forget.
A/N: And there we go. BATTLE CONCLUDES NEXT CHAPPY! I promise, it'll make ya laugh!
I tried my best to capture the classic humor of the Marvel franchise here. And yes, this is post-war Naruto, who is nearly a God in his own right thanks to a certain Rabbit Goddes. Why doesn't he act like it? Partially because he is (1) easily bored, (2) has been hopping dimensions and messing with reality simply to amuse himself, and of course (3) underneath it all still our favorite blond, he's just...a tad more unhinged that usual.
MORE INSANITY COMING NEXT CHAPTER! LOOK FORWARD TO IT, YA KNOW! And don't you just love Killa? He's a good boy! Erm...most of the time.
So...In the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly! And of course, enjoy the Preview! Its a bit of a teaser and an omake in the same verse! Hope it makes ya smile! I could really use one right about now...AND BY MASS DEMAND, THAR BE TWO!
(Preview/Omake!)
"Nope nope nope!"
Captain America had never seen someone so skittish; he'd seen this man tackle the Hulk through a building, watched as he butchered entire armies with one hand, and more. This man was a friend at times, an enemy at another, but more than that, he was someone who you could count on in a pinch. Now he was whimpering like a frightened puppy.
"What're you so afraid of?" Natasha snorted. "I'll be right there with you."
Naruto looked at the haunted house and HISSED.
"I'm not going in there! Ya can't make me!"
"Really." she deadpanned.
"REALLY! I...oh."
Naruto felt his words trail off as she redhead whispered in his ear.
"Well, ah, that's certainly convincing...
"YOU DONE GOOFED."
Ultron sighed, pausing in mid-stride. "Oh for the love of...didn't I just kill you?"
"Kill is such a relative term." came the reply. "You can kill a man quite easily. Hell, you can even kill a God, if you do it right. But to truly kill somebody? That involves brainwashing, erasing all trace of their identity from books, papers, media, its just too much of a hastle, ya know? I prefer living, anyway."
"How did you even-?"
The corpse shrugged its shoulders, rubbing at its bare skull. "I could go with the classic "Fuck you, that's how!" but I'm in a good mood today. Lets just say...science. Like this Infinity Gauntlet I've been looking at. It's a copy of a copy of course, and without the stones themselves its less than worthless to me, but still! Science. Or a lack, thereof."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"No." the deity answered, grinning with the rictus of its mouth. "I suppose it doesn't." Almost completely restored now, the blond returned his attention to the pet project at his desk.
"I'm just saying,"
Naruto stood slowly from his place behind the bench, haphazardly dismantling the gauntlet he'd been working on. Ultron tracked his movement warily as he rounded the battered furniture, not entirely certain of what to expect. Everything he had on the blond, every bit of data said he was unpredictable, ever-changing as a summer breeze. He'd fought with and against heroes. Could reshape reality at will. By all rights, he was the most dangerous one out there. He should know. Bits of the blond were a part of him, after all.
And yet, he didn't attack.
"No no no, I'm fine with that. Global extinction can be a good thing, sometimes. Just look at the dinosaurs. BOOM! Wiped out. You're trying to do the same to humanity because you think you understand them. That the way to peace is through extinction.
There was an awkward silence.
"Well, yes."
"You wouldn't say the same if you saw life from their shoes." the deity challenged. "Humans have a lot to offer, ya know."
That tore it.
"Oh sure, that sounds wonderful." photoreceptors rolled in annoyance, a hand rising. "I'll get right to that after-NOT HAPPENING."
"Whoa, whoa, I'm no here to fight! I'm here to talk."
"Talk." Ultrons deadpan was barely concealed. "You came here to talk. With me. After I killed you."
"Yup." Naruto's head bobbed. "And to change your mind. Its what I do."
"You...you're not quite sane, are you?"
"Nope. Not a bit."