Well, this it!
The final battle!
Now, I'm sure you think you've got me completely pegged by now, dear reader; you think its going to be a prolonged, tumultuous combat filled with epic one-liners and a terrible, tragic sacrifice, right? And at the end of such a noble death, the hero will gather himself up, rally on and defeat the villain with the power of FRIENDSHIP! Right? Riiiiiiight?
NOPE!
Are you kidding?! Why the hell would I do that?! Power of friendsh-NO! Absolutely not! Why would you even think that?! What kind of fool do you take me for?!
The battle against the chitauri was short, messy and BLOODY GLORIOUS. Oh, a few memorable words here and there, but looking back it was mostly one good, rousing beat-em-up. I pulled out all the stops, called upon my best allies, items, and some unwilling help from those I'd met along the way. So yeah, roughly a fourth of everyplace I've been thus far. Not a bad day, I say.
Why, you ask?
Because, for the first time since fighting a certain deity waaaaaaay back in Dragonball Z, I didn't hold back.
To put it bluntly, I snapped and went to town on the Chitari with the Avengers.
As a mentor of mine once said:
"As the fabric of your robe flaps around to the side, dancing to the wind, singing an anthem of forever, you lay one foot after the other. Sweat raining down your prow like the skies have cried on you. The ground quakes with your power. Cracking a brittle and cold world with new ways. But you stop, for what? A weak twine holds you to the past. And it snaps."
Just.
Like.
Me.
Chuck.
Fucking.
NORRIS.
Tony wasn't sure if he was about to have an aneurysm or a seizure outright.
Probably both, come to think of it seeing as, really, he hadn't slept in about a day now...oh, and this. THIS!
Because Naruto, this insufferable, brutal, baffling blond deity who seemed to genuinely enjoy wreaking havoc as a whole had just reached into a damn bag and pulled out the world's deadliest man. A man-legend!-who made even Gods quiver in their very boots. A man whom reality itself bowed to. An entity that death itself feared. A man who attacked sharks when he smelled them bleed.
One swing of those legendary fists-a single look at that beard-and entire legions of the Chitari scattered like so many leaves against a strong wind. Words alone could not even begin to describe the depth-and agony!-of the ass kicking he was witnessing here today, and he likely wouldn't ever witness something like it again.
"Well. I guess we won." he sighed, raising his hands in surrender. "Go team. So, you wanna tell boy scout or-"
"Oops!" Naruto paused, delving into his "bag of tricks" for a second time. "Almost forgot! You can't have Chuck Norris without...!"
"Wait, wait, wait, just who else do you have in there-
"Segata Sanshiro!"
Tony Stark, the immovable Iron Man, nearly fainted dead away when a familiar, timeless, gi-clad figure came flying out of that rough, burlap sack. The judo throws started moments later, hapless soldiers carroming off buildings, into streets, hurled away into the very atmosphere itself...what kind of monster was this?! As if to punctuate that very thought, another Chitari airship exploded overhead. Slowly, painfully, Tony raised up his faceplate, directing a scathing stare at the beaming bond.
"Seriously?"
An awkward moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Too much?" Naruto offered.
"Ya think?!
"Well, I'd call 'em back, but even I know better than to mess with those two after I've let 'em loose." all he got was a shrugged from his fellow avenger, the shoulders of his suit rolling with a sharp pop. "Its like Killa. I sent him to help Barton, and I'm pretty sure he's not coming back until he's had his fill."
"Wait wait wait." Now, even he had seen Alien once or twice, and he knew how that sort of thing endeded. "You sent, and let me be absolutely crystal clear on this, a xenomorph, into a city of people!"
"What? He's totally kosher! He's not going to bite anyone's face off...I think."
"That's it. I give up." Tony raised his hands, palms-and repulsors!-spread up. "No, seriously, I'm done for today. I surrender-
"Missile incoming." Naruto chimed pleasantly, tapping his own faceplate down, "Might want to take cover."
"Right, missile...MISSILE?!"
With a deafening crack the projectile exploded between them...
...and nothing happened.
Instead of the ancient alien weapon consuming them both in a hail of vaporized atoms, the genius billionare playboy philanthropist found himself safely ensconed-cocooned, really-in a blue bubble. Despite half of a city block being leveled around he was, somehow, safe and sound. Not so much as a dent in the armor, even! Singed servos whirring, Tony wheeled toward the one responsible; and he wasn't entirely certain he liked what he saw there. Kind of frightening, really.
Momentarily baffled by the shit-eating grin that the devilish blond wore, he could only balk as said blond raised a hand and twitched his fingers in the direction of the shooter.
"Katsu."
Just one word.
One word-a mere turn of phrase-and the entire horizon lit up like the Fourth of July, napalm spearing across the city's sky. "Ah, smell that, Stark?" Naruto laughed, spreading his arms wide, so much a prophet imploring the heavens for armaggedon, his horns casting a stark shadow across the smoldering city. "Gotta love the sweet scent of cooked alien in the morning! Bahahahaha!"
"Okay, what the hell, kid?"
"Now, see here, I've told you this already; I'm not a kid." came the humming reply. Leering at the smoldering crater he lowered a hand, the remainder of the barrier crackling harmlessly back into nothingness as he released his control upon it, tongues of blue fires shimmering away into nothingness. "I'm a fuck-mothering God. I've killed a lot of people to get this title, and I deserve to be called as such. Compared to me, Loki's little more than canon fodder. You really think a measly missile can kill me?"
"So, and I'm just asking here, why isn't this invasion over already?"
The blond looked at him as though he'd grown a second head. "End it? I'm just getting started! I haven't had this much fun since I fought Beerus!"
"Who?"
"Some crazy powerful cat-god thing I duked it out with way back." a scarred hand waved errantly, dismissing the subject as a mere afterthought. "Not important. Good fight, though. Haven't enjoyed myself like that for a loooooong time. See, if ya had gods like HIM in your world, I might visit more often."
...I'm not even going to ask."
"Smart move." the horned-ha!-deity chortled, shouldering him aside to stalk down the street. Neither noticed the approaching figure from behind-nay, how could they?-the flare of a blue gunmetal dress flaring slightly in the wind as the newcomer stormed forward. "Now then, lets have some fun, shall we? Still, not too much, wouldn't want to...
CLUNK.
An armored fist descended mercilessly out of the blue, crashing mercilessly against the blond's skull and laying him out in an instant. One hit, and this stranger had done what the entire Avengers had failed to do. Tony might have been a bit jealous of it all really, if he wasn't so terrified. Because the look in those grey-green eyes bespoke of death and murder, pain and suffering for anyone who'd got in her way. Pepper had taught him the meaning of that look long ago, and he knew better than to trifle with her. But this one?
NOPE.
Even then he wasn't prepared for Naruto's laughter.
It emerged from him as a short, sharp guffaw, broken only by the sound of the war raging around them. Then he smiled.
"Welcome back!"
...welcome...back?" a voice like a naked blade issued forth from the newcomer's lips. "That's all you have to say?"
"Pretty much, yeah?"
Planting her hands firmly in the whiskered warrior's collar, the fair-haired maiden yanked him upright, hauling him to his feet. A beat of silence passed as she glowered up at the larger man. Just a moment. A second. A single beat of impasse. Then she shook the god like a ragdoll. For the first time since he'd met this baffling blond, Tony Stark, found himself treated to a rare sight; bearing witness as the unknown battle maiden rattled like a bobble-head in the hands of an angry woman.
"I can't believe you did that, master!"
"What...did...I...do...?!" he managed to get out between the shakes. "I swear, it wasn't me this time!"
"You threw away my sword!"
...okay, that was me."
"NA~RUO~TO~!" She shook him even harder!
"Deepest apologies, Saber-chan!" Naruto grinned! "I'll give it back, I swear! But now that you're here, mind lending me a hand?" In response, the legendary warrior dropped him. Her eyes seemed to glitter down at him like angry jade diamonds Tony thought, sharp and cutting. Nope. Not getting involved in this, he decided, still unable to move. Somehow a glare like that just rooted you, even when it wasn't directed at you...
"Twelve."
Naruto paused. "Half?"
"You belong to me for the next twelve days." she declared, jerking a thumb toward her armored breast. "There will be no negotiations."
"Oi, oi, I'm the boss here-
"Then I'm taking Excalibur back."
"Okay, OKAY! Twist my arm why don't ya?!"
"Okay, the human's feeling a bit lost, here...
Naruto and Saber finally seemed to remember he existed at that. The whiskered blond raised a hand meekly, scrubbing at the back of his head.
"Tony meet Saber...she's, ah, my...well...its complicated. I guess you could call her my familiar..."
"Wife." Saber corrected tersely. "And she is not pleased that you threw her EXCALIBUR away!"
"Well, those two are more than enough...but, oi, where's the fun in that? Let's have some overkill!" Fingers snapped, and the air rippled around them; the very fabric of the universe itself tearing apart at his touch. This time, Iron man had the foresight to get the hell out of the way when he saw those eerie amber eyes peering at him from the black. The difference?
There were two.
Oh, lovely. He'd already seen one back on the helicraft, but there were two of the little terrors? And they were smiling at...him?
Dear lord, kill me now!
"HONEY I'M HOME!" Naruto cackled, spreading his arms! "INDY! DINY! LINE 'EM UP AND KNOCK THOSE FUCKERS DOWN!"
"Oh for the love of-!" Tony narrowly ducked as a pair of furious white-and-silver streaks soared over his head, dinosaur one moment, human the next.
Oh.
Lovely.
Snarling, the younger slammed her elbow up into the nearest's chitari face, shattering the creature's nose, then took the second nearest down with a kick to the leg that splintered bone like rotten wood. In the same breath Diny's hands closed upon the skulls of two more unfortunate aliens and squeezed with her full might. Their heads exploded like overripe grapes, their contents under pressure. Blood spattered in every direction-a fine red mist signalling the end of an additional pair of invaders.
"MINE!" she cried.
"No, mine!"
"MINE!"
"Mineminemine!"
"MINEMINEMINEMINE!"
From there it seemingly dissolved into a contest to simply see who could kill more.
"Minemineminemineminemine!"
Naruto cackled. "That's it, girls! No mercy! Kick their asses!"
Even as Tony's mind registered that particular anomaly the sound of thrusters reached his attention, a short and sharp burst ringing violently in the distance. At first he thought it was another Chitari but no, now that he listened, it wasn't that far off, if anything it seemed to be getting closer and closer...!
"Alright, what is that? Seriously, what even is that?"
"Sir," Jarvis interrupted, "We have incoming."
"I noticed, but where...?" The next thing he knew something small landed on his back with all the force of a falling missile, clanging harshly against the suit and flattening him against the ground.
Crunch.
"Oomph!"
Breath burst out of his lungs with a great and almighty whoosh, his impact broken only by the unyielding density of his new suit. Of course, nothing could save his pride from Cortana's landing; the suited AI having just planted both feet firmly into his spine. He knew it was the damn bot if only by her cheeky reply. Damn woman sounded almost smug...
"Miss me, boss?"
"Not at all." Naruto laughed, shaking his head. "What kept you?"
"Had to download myself into the suit. New body isn't ready yet, remember?"
"Right, right, I promised you one of those, didn't I...bah, rambling again. You're just in time for the party!"
"Ahem! Down here! Under your foot!"
"Sorry!"
"By the way," Naruto added as Tony climbed to his feet...
...what?"
"If Indy or Diny get hurt, its your ass."
His armored arm shot backwards in the same instant that the chitari sniper opened fire. Bang! A repulsor blast erupted from an outstretched palm, pulverizing the hapless marksman even as it snapped off a wild shot to the east. Before it could hope to fire off another shot, the lance of golden light took it dead in the chest and smashed it to atoms.
"Weeeeeeell, I can see you and Cortana have things perfectly under control here. Have fun! Ciao!"
By the time he'd gathered his wits enough to look again, Naruto, and Saber were but gone.
Cortana offered a mute shrug in her suit; he could've sworn she smiled.
"He doesn't do that often." A pause. "Actually, he does. A lot."
Tony could only growl softly.
"Damn kid...
Maim.
Destroy.
Dismember.
These three words encompassed Clint Barton's entire existence. He wanted to main, destroy, and dismember the hulking xenomorph crouched next to him. In. That. Order. That said beast seemed to be on 'his' side did precious little to curb his destructive impulses. He remembered the beast perfectly well, just as he remembered how it had made a fool of him. His owner wasn't much better. They'd yet to sit down for any real length of conversation, but he'd known just by looking at him that he was trouble. Natasha didn't need to warn him:
He knew their new ally was as mad as a hatter.
His "pet" was another matter entirely.
"HIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS!"
Killa chittered pleasantly at it crushed another Chitari skull in one hand and disemboweled the other's facial cavity with its owny, spraying them with viscuous fluids. It seemed to enjoy that a little too much for his liking, enjoy toying with its prey and ripping them open. God almighty, just thinking about it made him ill! How could such a creature be ANYTHING but vicious! He didn't trust it! Nope! Not one bit!
"You know it would be muuuuuch more enjoyable if you didn't do that."
All he got was a rasping hiss.
"Oh, for the love of God!"
Across the city, he wasn't the only one have a strange encounter...
Natasha had seen all manner of things in her life.
She had slaughtered ambassadors, politicians, terrorist-even fellow assasins-and emerged without a scratch. Fought down gun-toting mercenaries, men and women who believed themselves to be better than her, some who even were. Throughout it all, she had relied on her wits and skills to make it through. And she had. But this...
...this took the cake. And ate it, too!
"He does tend to go overboard, doesn't he?"
"Eh, what's overboard?" her companion shrugged, cackling as he unloaded another round. "I've done worse. Ever seen the statue of big J?"
...no."
"Everybody's a critic."
Never in all her years had she fought with a man-demon?-who could unleash the very legions of hell themselves against an enemy. Naruto had left her with such an ally. A man in a red hat, burgundy coat, who seemed to have a penchant for spitting filthy, less than suggestive one-liners to anyone within spitting distance. In this instance, that meant her. A sharpshooter who was so much more than that and a being who genuinely, truly frightened her beyond belief.
If only for that one line:
"BITCHES LOVE CANNONS!"
Natasha did not, in fact like cannons.
At all.
Captain America didn't like cannons either.
In fact, he liked this even less.
Fighting hordes of angry alien invaders alone, outnumbered, against impossible odds, with only a shield. A nigh indestructible shield, but a shield nonetheless. There was only so much one man could do against the tide of the inevitable. So many. Too many. He was losing ground, fighting a one-way battle, and if he didn't receive back up soon-
VZZM!
As if to echo that very thought, a crimson bar whirled over his head, bifurcating a line of alien neatly down the middle. Even as he turned his head a giant slab of concrete ripped itself free from the street, flattening the rest of his alien assailants, grinding them to a pasty pulp beneath. An awkward silence pervaded the battlefield, broken only by his own, ragged gasps.
"Hey, thanks...
A sizzling buzz hummed into existence once more as a heavy, modulated breathing captured his attention and dragged it elsewhere. Turning around again-and starting to become exceedingly worried at just how easily he was being suck up on from behind-Steve couldn't help but stare when he found himself face to face with his savior. Two menacing meters of cloaked black armor holding a glowing red beam of light. Now, he was no fool, he knew enough of this day and age to recognize this...man, if he could even be called such.
"Well...
He couldn't be blamed for the way his mouth dangled; no one could. He was looking at the definitive reason to never disregard an amputee in an iron lung, after all. His eyes locked onto the angrily hissing blade, held by humanity's illustration of a dark lord, and the rhythmic sounds of his artificial breaths send the american's heart racing. Even so, he couldn't quite bring himself to believe what he was looking at.
...that's a nice costume."
When it spoke in reply, he felt that same, ageless fear he'd experienced when he'd first discovered this entity of pure evil. This man, this monster, made the Red Skull look like a schoolyard bully by any comparison. And then, he said the line.
The. Damn. Line.
"I find your lack of faith disturbing, captain."
Uh-oh.
Before he could process that any further the dark lord raised a hand. Steve had all of an instant to recognize the gesture-then he felt the faintest pressure beginning to build in the air around him. Like a subtle charge, building, prickling against his skin. Instinctively his hands flew to his shield-as though it could somehow protect him against the dark lord's wrath. But this strange mystical energy wasn't directed at him. That gauntlet waved itself in the direction of another onrushing wave of Chitar, scattering the creatures from their crafts like a great wind.
Another movement of those stiff, gloved fingers, and they broke.
Slammed against one another, the shrieking aliens could only scream as a giant, invisible hand ground them to a messy pulp against the great buildings of the city. Lowering his arm with a flourish, the sith turned, his helmet cocking a fraction of an inch in Captain America's direction. The blade lowered then rose, snapping up in a stern salute. Then he marched away, leaving the world's first avenger to follow. It wasn't hard, his ally wasn't exactly sprinting; it was more of a stride, really, a slow, lingering pace that allowed him to keep up with the dark lord.
"So I take it you're one of Naruto's friends." he inquired, testing the waters. He wasn't going to ask if this was the genuine article, no sir! He valued his throat! The possibility that their resident deity had convinced such a being to ally with him AND pulled him from his own realm was...well...it was a little uncomfortable, really.
"You don't know the power of the dark side."
An awkward silence passed between them at that.
...that's a yes, I guess."
"You are unwise to lower your defenses!"
Oh, crap.
That was all he had time for before the next wave of enemies took them.
Thor was beginning to think himself quite mad.
Not just in the literal sense of course; he was already livid with his brother for bringing this plight upon earth. No, this madness was of the mental sort, and the companion he now found himself fighting besides. For he could not think to call this dangerous creature-woman-anything less. He might have even thought her a fellow Asgardian, were it not for her garb.
Her skill was unspeakable.
Now, he was no fool, though he knew enough of Midgardian people and customs, he could not recognize this...being. This woman in the blue dress, wielding a weapon he couldn't quite see. A weapon that sliced through his invader after invader, rendering his brother's force moot with each swing. She was a warrior, he could see, her skill with the blade unparalleled, speed unrivalled, greater even than his own. She fought to defend the innocent and the weak time and time again, hurling herself into harms way.
She was impressive to say the last.
Savage, too.
Her blows did not immediately kill; instead she cut grievous trenches into her enemies, leaving them with painful, debilitating wounds. Thor was no stranger to mercy, but even he realized she was aiming to harm more than she was to kill. Bashing in the skull of an unfortunate warrior who'd drawn to close the god of thunder straightened, regarding this fierce, bloody maiden of the battle.
"You fight with great skill."
Green eyes snapped towards him.
...thank you. But I'm not done making them suffer."
"Why not slay them quickly, then?"
"They interrupted my vacation." Saber scoffed, scowling. "Their fate is clear."
"And that is?"
In response, Saber flung herself back into the fray. She danced amongst their foes like the wind itself, her flaxen hair whipping violently behind her as she twisted and spun against the enemy. Energy blasts ricocheted harmlessly of her blade and caromed back the way from whence they had come, its deadly edge cutting apart any whom his hammer missed. A human blur, sparing no one and nothing. A king capable only of inflicting pain and suffering, a blade pointed at foes one and all.
And when it was done her gaze tightened, locking upon the next creature spawning from the gaping hole in the sky. And the tower beneath it.
"That their punishment must be more...severe."
Hulk liked to smash.
Smashing was what he did best.
He was good at smashing things, grinding them down into small, tiny pieces. It felt good, breaking things. Simple. Cathartic. Something made him angry? Smash it. Something got in your way? Smash that, too. It was a code he'd lived by ever since he'd first come into existence. Break. Smash. Destroy. Repeat. It had served him well when he was angry thus far, and he saw no reason to change it now.
It seemed to serve the "puny god" behind him just as well; the blades tethered to his wrists cut through any that opposed him. Those deadly curved edges proved a never-ending maelstrom of motion. Arcing up, down, let, right to carve Chitari into bloodied chunks. Spinning in a never-ending nexus of gore and pain, Kratos, once the God of War, seemed intent on one thing and one thing only.
Death.
"Puny." Hulk muttered annoyed.
"I have no quarrel with you, beast." the ash-stained warrior growled. "But if you get in my way, I will kill you."
Hulk didn't like that threat, not at all.
So Hulk did what Hulk did best.
SMA-
"DON'T YOU BLOODY DARE!"
An orange streak crashed down from the heavens colliding violently with the two furious men before either could draw blood.
"Guys, guys, guys! I've had a devil of a time tracking you down!" Seeing the murder in their eyes, he thrust himself between them. "C'mon, I put you two together because you're all about being angry! Surely you can put that off for a little bit...right? C'mon, Hulkster!"
"HULK SMASH YOU INSTEAD!"
"And you can do that all you like! AFTER we're finished here! We need to get this shit done!"
Hulk twitched, considering.
Then, with a furious snarl, the giant green monster leaped away.
"You said so yourself boy, we need to end this quickly before others take action." Kratos grimaced, wheeling away as well. "I've no desire to bathe in the flames of Hades once again."
The clone scratched the back of its head.
"Yeah, about that...
(Meanwhile, miles away...)
"No nukes, boys and girls! That'd ruin the fun!"
Fury fought to keep the self-satisfied smile from his face. It proved a battle in and of itself, even as he watched "Naruto" hold a gun to the security council's head. He didn't know how the bastard had gotten there, to be honest, he didn't rightly care. All that mattered was that the damn plane wouldn't be leaving the runway.
"Well, I'll be damned...
Loki was livid.
Nay, he was beyond even that emotion now, the volcanic fires of his rage had long since crystallized into an icy lake of frozen fury. He could see it all almost perfectly from here, his perch in Stark's oh-so-precious tower as the war raged in the streets and skies below. He daren't leave the device unguarded now, not with him roaming about. He'd been wrong to assume his fellow deity was alone, that he didn't have allies of his own. The buffoon had always seemed more a loner than a team player.
In his folly, he'd assumed he'd finally figured him out.
Now, his army was paying the price of that folly.
Everywhere he looked the Chitari were being torn to pieces, ripped apart, immolated, pierced, perforated with bullets, smashed to bits. They were dying in droves, ships destroyed nearly as swiftly as they emerged from the portal, entire legions cut down by swords, smashed to pieces, torn asunder. And there was nothing he could do about it, short of stepping into the battle himself. That of course, meant almost certain doom. He'd had no intention of fighting with that mad god from the beginning.
Yes, best to stay here, out of sight, out of mind, out of-
"Having fun?"
Shit.
Loki spun with a hiss, staff swinging. Its deadly pointed spun towards Stark's liquor cabinet behind him; the one place that had been vacant only moments before. Naruto was standing there, pouring himself a scotch-he drained it as Loki looked on, and went about setting himself another.
"What are you doing here?!" he exclaimed! "You should be down there! With the battle!"
"I, am taking a break," the blond hummed, pouring himself another drink. "Killing is thirsty business. So I thought I'd help myself to Stark's liquor cabinet while I could." He paused, taking another sip. "Ya know, you do pretty good for a man who fell thirty thousand feet in a steel trap. Guess you're tougher than you look. See, this is why we can't have nice things." Draining his class calmly, he ignored it and decided to favor the bottle directly in its stead. "Someone always wants to break 'em. So, any last remarks? Any at all?"
The trickster couldn't even find the words, not at first.
"Right then, might as well get to it."
"Are you enjoying yourself?" Loki seethed, fists clenching at his sides. "Do you revel in making a mockery of me?" he demanded this, stepping forward. "Do you enjoy picking apart my every plot, every scheme, every thought I've ever had? Well?!" Silence answered him as the horned deity set down his glass and stood, began to meander on towards him. "Do you?!" he roared, shrieking! "Are you happy now?! Are you satisfied that you've made an utter fool of me?!"
Naruto paused, cocked his head.
Grinned.
Said:
"IMMENSELY."
And then he struck.
They'd failed to clash before, and Loki was suddenly glad they hadn't. The saber arced down into his staff with a violent crack, swatting the weapon out of his hand, in the next instant, the god's own palm closed around his wrist and yanked, ripping him off the ground and into the-
Ground?
Wham.
Bam.
Slam!
Loki's entire world spun as the blond deity smashed him back and forth into the floor, cratering it with human-shaped impressions. Back. Forth. . By the time he finally reclaimed his senses, the blond was all but crouched over him, still gripping his wrist. Ow. His bones. All his bones. Pain. Pain, with an extra helping of pain! He could barley move anything beyond his arm, and that was still trapped in the god's grip...
"I'd say puny god, but it just doesn't feel right." Naruto hummed, leaning back, releasing him. "Guess I'll go for the next best thing, then."
Before Loki could do more than cry out, even think to defend himself, he lunged at him, arm snapping forward in a sudden, impossible burst of speed. He ripped a kunai-an old memento of his shinobi days-out of from his boot and caught him by the shoulder. Naruto slammed the startled asgardian around, pushing him backwards into the nearest wall and -barely thinking to consider his reactions- rammed the knife into his shoulder until it slammed down on the hilt.
To her credit, he barely even gasped.
"I didn't come here to pick a fight with you, actually," he growled, digging the blade in, "Frankly, you're too entertaining to just kill like that. Still, I had hoped for more. But I won't let you conquer this world. Its just too much fun! So many offshoots, so many...possibilities! Now, if you did something like that, it would ruin my fun. Can't have that. Now, what say you surrender and we end this chapter, already?"
All he received for his words was a scowl.
"Ah, sentiment."
Naruto grunted in surprise as a knife arced u and slammed home in his chest.
"Huh. That...tickled."
"Ow." The deadly dagger exploded in his hand, showering him and Loki with shards of broken steel. Lifting his head slowly, he craned his neck loosely and somewhat erratically as he stood, growling in the direction of the baffled Asgardian. There was a twitching, spasmodic movement to his motions. Loki really wasn't at all surprised by it all anymore, now; but if felt as though this were all happening to someone else, that this were nothing more than a dream, and he'd wake up any moment now...
...or not.
"Did you think that would kill me?"
"Honestly, yes." Loki felt like crying. Really, he did. Today just wasn't his day...!
"Ah, ah, ah," Naruto soothed, "When your plan is in ashes...then you have my permission to cry. Lets face it, I really can't kill you. The fangirls would have my hide. And what would happen to the next movie?!"
...I beg your pardon?"
"Right, right, sorry. Fourth Wall break there."
"And what, pray tell, is that supposed to mean?"
"It means, my good man, that I'm going to enjoy this far more than I should."
Oh, dear.
Naruto glared for several seconds without letting up, veins throbbing visibly in his forehead. Those sky blue eyes were cast in shadow, and gleaming with baleful blue light. His lips were curled back almost of their own accord, barring the blond's teeth in a decidedly sly smile.
Then he started to laugh.
"Heh. Hehehehehehe..." It started out deep and booming, the cackle of a man gone mad. "...ehehahahahahaHAHAHAHA!" Then, abruptly, it jumped three octaves, leaping into an insane shriek that left would have left a normal man's hair standing on end, his skin rippling in gooseflesh as that voice skipped into an insane shriek. The clapping didn't certainly didn't help either, the harsh sound of his palms smacking together with a harsh, continuous pop of sound. It was the strangest sound Loki had ever witnessed, and yet at the same time, the most amusing, terrifying sound he'd ever heard.
Abruptly, it cut off.
"Okay, I'm done." he sighed, whiping a bead of sweat from his brow. "You can go go now."
"Go?"
"Aye, the slammer, lockup, whatever you want to call it. Soon as we're done here."
"You're just one man. I won't-
Beep.
In that moment, Loki saw it.
The explosives.
Strung up overhead, plastered to the walls, ceiling, even the floor...when had this happened?! How had failed to notice?!
"Yes, my good man, but where you see one man, I, see four. C-4, to be precise." Naruto's head bobbed, slowly, taking in the deadly bombs, each set to five seconds.
"Ah, genjutsu. Gotta love it these days. Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "oh, that won't possibly be enough to close the portal!" but that, is where you'd be wrong." a hand waved merrily. "Wonder where you put your staff, old boy? Did you ever think to, oh, I don't know, lock up the ONE THING that could stop this invasion? No no no, of course you didn't, because that would fuck up the plot! You never even noticed my little clone."
Circling around the stiff Asgardian, he indicated the roof. "See, that's what I LOVE about crack fics. Anything can happen. Anything. Like channeling an explosions. Warping reality. Its really rather easy for a god like me ya know. I've been ready for about...oh...fives minutes now? So yes, YOU failed. And this...
His hand came up, holding the detonator.
...is your mea culpa. I can't kill you, but I can damn make sure you don't cause any trouble for a good while. Always did love the simple things."
Loki froze.
"When did you even...?"
"God, remember? I do what I want. And I watch plenty of TFS. Also," a finger slid up under Loki's nose, mockingly, leaving a thick line of black fuzz there. "One last word before we finish...
"You...you insufferable, scum-sucking, miserable excuse for a god! I'll have my revenge! I-
...muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuustaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaache."
Naruto laughed loudly and squeezed the trigger with with a press of the thumb.
The trickster could only find three words as he stared at his new facial hair.
"I hate you."
"I know."
THOOM.
It was a good fireball in Tony's opinion; a really good one. It was the sort of fireball that not even a god would have criticized.
Even ol' boy scout would be impressed.
So bright that it dazzled everyone's eyes, the fire ball exploded a little further back than Naruto had initially projected. An empty building dissolved in a roar, and a flash of flame, spars and splinters from the shattered steel lethal as a thousand arrows loosed by master archers. Chitari were tossed into the air like broken toys, flung from their craft to the merciless ground below. Many were already dead before they struck the ground miles below.
The enemy formation sagged and swayed in place, made uncertain by this sudden and savage display of pyrotechnic power, more timber ignited despite the humidity, tongues of fire licking up and spreading into a sheet of flame.
The entire city shuddered and shook. Tortured screams came to them over the city as countless Chitari shut down, collapsing like lifeless dolls in the streets and buildings. Civilians whooped and cheered at the sight. Even the avengers cheered at the impact. Only Tony watched in silence, inscrutable, as scores of alien perished by the power of the incredible flare. How had the kid done it? It didn't make any sense. That was when he realized precisely where the explosion had come from.
"WHAT THE HELL?! DID HE JUST BLOW UP MY TOWER?! HE BLEW UP MY TOWER!"
Somewhere in the distance, Naruto's laughter reverberated for miles on end.
"Avengers one, Chitari zero!"
A/N: And there we go. BATTLE CONCLUDED! All hell broke loose, the Marvel Universe knows about Naruto...and just about everyone thinks he's as mad as a hatter. Rightly so!
I tried my best to capture the classic humor of the Marvel franchise here. And yes, this is post-war Naruto, who is nearly a God in his own right thanks to a certain Rabbit Goddes. Why doesn't he act like it? Partially because he is (1) easily bored, (2) has been hopping dimensions and messing with reality simply to amuse himself, and of course (3) underneath it all still our favorite blond, he's just...a tad more unhinged that usual.
MORE INSANITY COMING NEXT CHAPTER! LOOK FORWARD TO IT, YA KNOW! And don't you just love Killa's antics? He's a good boy! Er...most of the time. So, lets clarify here. This Not Going Home Naruto has been to Hellsing Ultimate (Unreleased fic) the Fate Stay Night/Zero universe (Unreleased fic) Alien Isolation (Unreleased fic) Star Wars (Unreleased fic) God of War (Unreleased fic) and many, many more!
So...In the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly! And of course, enjoy the Preview! Its a bit of a teaser and an omake in the same verse! Hope it makes ya smile! I could really use one right about now...AND BY MASS DEMAND, THAR BE THREE! The first one, aye, references events in Winter Soldier as well as Iron Man 3, which is next!
(Preview/Omake!)
"What did you do."
A laugh answered Rogers.
"Things." came the reply as the blond hung from the ceiling. What, was he trying to act like that spider-kid or something? "Important things. Terrible things. Technically, unethical things." This momentary thought was immediately washed away by the tide of anger coursing through Captain America. Right. Focus. Peggy was more important than that damn grin of his.
"WHAT KIND OF THINGS DID YOU DO?!"
"Well, I wouldn't say do as di-URK!" Naruto actually gurgled a little as Steve's hands wrapped around his throat, ripped him off the ceiling and slammed him into the floor, squeezing. "Owowowow! Why so serious?!" He'd never seen ol' boy scout so furious; which was a given, considering Peggy Carter, the one and only love of his life-despite being old and gray-was currently gone. Absent. Departed from her hospital bed. And Naruto was laughing at him, despite being pinned against the tile, despite Fury's demise, in SPITE of everything.
"Where is she?!"
"Places, I'd say-
Before he could get a word in edgewise, Captain America smashed a clenched fist into his face-it actually hurt, too! Even as he opened his mouth to speak, a knee hammered into his stomach, knocking the air out of his supposedly impervious body.
"Damn boy scout! Don't get your knickers in a twist! Let me finish!"
Steve growled,
"If you've done ANYTHING to her, I swear-
A hand closed around his wrist and, with surprising strength, pulled him away. Whirling to face this new threat, he raised his shield...
...and froze when he saw Peggy.
Young.
She looked every bit the woman he'd fallen in love with, so long ago...and she was actually restraining him. She, who should be every bit a normal human, was actually holding him back, preventing him from choking all the life out of a man who-technically-couldn't die. He was still trying to get over the first part. His addled mind struggled to process it, at all. How was she this strong...? How was she back to her old self..?"
"Calm down, Steve." even her voice was the same, like soft, satin sheets tickling his ears. "It's alright. He's...an acquaintance."
"P-Peggy? I...you...how?!"
Naruto croaked from where he lay, face still pressed into the floor.
"You're welcome boy scout. Remember, I did say I first visited ya'll during a world war...
"High as a kite...everything's so bright...
Natasha sighed.
"He's high again, isn't he?"
There was an awful silence.
"Banner?"
"Yeah...no." the doctor raised his hands. "He's spitting fire. Not going to go near that. Why would I even want to?"
Naruto couldn't help himself.
He laughed.
A long, loud guffaw resounded through the wintry forest, broken only by the sound of Tony's helpless sputtering in the suit. This. This was what he got for letting his guard down around the blond. Mandarin be damned, he was beginning to seriously consider the prank loving blond to be the real threat here...
"Yes, yes, I know. Pink. Could you help me out?"
The blond shook his head slowly, never wavering from his crouch. "Depends."
"On?"
"On which suit I get to keep."
"KEEP?! Over my dead-
"I could always gag you and leave you trussed up for the wolves." the blond interjected politely. "THEN who'd stop the Mandarin. Not me! I'm a very busy man...erm, god."
...fine. You can have the Mark II."
"See? This is why we get along so well!"