The loneliness had been seeping in to me for far too long now. Yet today I woke up a changed man. Nothing had changed and everything had changed. I woke up feeling rested for once and saw the world as brighter than ever before. I wondered briefly if something within me was healing but I opted to avoid ruminating over my struggles. It didn't matter why or how, what mattered in the here and now was that I was okay. I can only hope that this change would not be as fleeting as happiness tends to be.
Rather than avoiding people,‌ I actively sought them out with a genuine smile on my face. I felt so full of energy that I no longer recognised myself. Every time I would pass reflective surfaces I would catch glimpses of myself and be surprised all over again. There was change written all over me. My head no longer lay low in despair. That was the most striking difference. At a glance, it was evident that I had found some sort of confidence in myself even if I had no confidence in anything else. I was alive and this time I did not resent myself for it.
Sitting in classes no longer felt like a chore as I actively listened to everything we were being told. Knowledge was being passed on to me rather than through me and my mind was happily busy attempting to retain all of the information. The teachers asked questions and my eagerness for praise meant that my hand shot up at every opportunity. Sure I had some strange glances but none of them contained malice. Rather than lashing out and asking what they were looking at, I smiled and laughed at my own enthusiasm. I felt safe enough to be myself without having to worry about others' opinions.
People were speaking to me like they used to, without the recent wariness. I felt like I had returned to a happier time in my life even if I can't remember such a time. It was warm, there is no better way to put it. I was brimming with joy that I struggled to contain. For once I had a struggle that didn't taste of pain. The weight that would drag me into the ground disappeared overnight and was replaced by freedom that followed me with every step I took.
Teachers and students alike asked the reason for my sudden energy but I had no answer.
"I just feel better."
That was all I could say but I didn't have a problem with that. There was no pressure to answer in a certain way or find any answers. At least for now I was content with not knowing things.
My eyes met with Anson's a few times throughout the day and rather than avoiding him in public I approached him.
"Hello! How are you today?"
Though it might seem harsh I didn't care all that much about how he was doing. I could tell by looking that he was the same as usual, but I felt the need to speak to him and show the me that is alive.
"Oh. Hello. I am doing well, what about you?"
He sounded confused yet glad. That moment is exactly how I would describe him. Even if there is something he is yet to understand, if others are happy without harming others he is happy too. He doesn't strike me as someone who would be envious of others' happiness. On the contrary, he wants people to have it to have and to keep, even if it is greater than his.
"Hmm, I'm doing well" I responded as if I was genuinely thinking about it.
"Is that so? Did something happen to make you so cheerful?" He laughed slightly as he spoke, as if mirroring my emotions.
I don't think I had ever seen him smiling so genuinely at me. Until now, I hadn't even noticed that he had dimples. It might be my mood influencing my perception of life but I felt like we had finally crossed the line of acquaintances and nearing that of friends.
Brushing my hair back with my fingers to move the strands from my eyes, I looked at him properly.
"Nothing in particular, I just feel in good shape today."
"Well, I, for one think that this friendliness you now have looks good on you. I can only hope that it does not lessen or dull."
He patted my shoulder with a smile that you would see on proud parents. For the briefest of moments Anson looked far older than he was. His eyes appeared to hold wisdom beyond his years and they were so warm and inviting that I finally understood why he maintains a stoic facade. Had he been an open book, I have no doubt that he would be a magnet for all kinds of people. There is tenderness that well-off people are familiar with and love, and unfortunate people crave.
"I hope so too." I responded in earnest but it came out far more somber than I had anticipated. However, he seemed to understand that there was no hint of sadness in my expression at present and for that I was grateful. I was grateful for his ability to understand people and for having faith in me when I did not. Had my previous friends been more like Anson I don't doubt that I could have taken Klaus' position as the protagonist.
It is only fitting that someone like Klaus, who is surrounded by such genuine and kind-hearted people, would later become even more accomplished and popular.
The world had given birth to me and I have taken from it all of the grief. It is only fair that I now take equivalent amounts of joy. Irrespective of whether I must live in blissful ignorance for that, it is now mine to enjoy.
I am finally learning to live without pain. I am learning that pain will heal, and I am learning that I still have time to learn.