It's scary being your own source of fear. It becomes easier to blame different things, different people, the world. Intentions are one thing but what if I were to hurt someone unintentionally. Unintentional hurt is still hurt, so my guilt would not be able to provide any sense of justice. I thought of numerous scenarios but all of them had a bad end. In every single one of them I was gripped with sadness, mourning the death of people I don't even care about. I guess that's the thing. Death is death, but if you are responsible for it, it takes on a physical form and becomes human.
On the outside I presented as normal and went about my day as usual. Inside however, I was burning with so many negative emotions that I couldn't even begin to name. I wanted to tear open my ribs and scratch my insides clean, so that I may start afresh. But I couldn't get rid of this dirty soul no matter how hard I scrubbed myself. It continued to fester inside me like an infected wound, oozing with hatred at every touch. This dirty part of me blamed everything for my misfortunes but mostly myself.
Still I continued to attend lessons as usual. Still I met up with Xavier to learn how to control my powers. Still I woke up as if I was a normal human when deep down I knew I was less than. The metamorphosis going on within me was not visible to the naked eye so I continued to hide beneath the cocoon of masked normality. Despite my anxiety, I lived with recklessness that made no sense to the sane. In focusing on controlling my powers, I was losing control of all else. Suddenly nothing held as much importance as ensuring that I could not harm people with it, even if it meant harming them through other means.
I was and continue to be a contradiction.
I focused on my mana, looking out for any slight changes because I had become irrationally afraid that it would leak out of me and harm those around me. I, myself, became a plague that should very well be avoided. In focusing so much attention on this minute part of me, I could no longer afford the mental energy to go about life. One part of me stayed at my core like an anxious security guard, while the other floated somewhere else. It pressed buttons that would determine my every move without needing a single thought.
Living on autopilot proved beneficial for me. I could appease my anxiety to some extent while also doing better in studies than I initially did. Was there any use in returning to my body and claiming it as my own? It seemed to be better for the world if I continued wandering in this state. Every time I did anything of my own accord, people suffered whether in my thoughts or reality. Life was a nightmare I could not wake up from.
It was repetition after repetition. Months had passed and seasons changed but I remained the hideously useless self I always was. Even after my sessions with Xavier had finished I felt inadequate. I had hoped that learning how to fully control this ability would give me the confidence I longed for but nothing I did helped. I struggled to acknowledge accomplishments and that was part of the main issue. No matter what I did anxiety followed.
Nonetheless I continued living like this, unaware of what was actually happening around me. By the time I came to, I realised I was miles away from home. Without my knowledge or consent I had somehow agreed to join the expedition team in assessing the state of the quickly declining town of Fairfrost. The team consisted of 12, 8 as the original expedition team and 4 students deemed strong enough to provide support in case things went south. Students usually flocked to such chances as a way to quickly gain invaluable experience but hardly anyone volunteered. No one wanted to go to Fairfrost that was known for its harsh weather and demolished buildings.
A damaged town such as this only meant one thing, an increase in illegal activity. On the surface the governments were in power but in actuality we all knew it was run by outlaws. Where individuals were concerned with merely surviving, they had no time to worry themselves with the legality of how they would do so. The law existed for a reason but when everything was going to ruins it soon became something that only the privileged could concern themselves with. The laws would not fill the bellies of the unfortunate, nor would it bring happiness to an otherwise dreary piece of land. It would not bring their homes up from rubble nor provide them with a reason to live.
But for me it provided solace. As horrible as it might sound given the misfortune is caused those inhabiting the land, I felt that this was what I needed to feel fresh. The cold air that blew across the land was so strong that I could not avoid it. No matter how high my consciousness was floating, the coolness of the air could be felt. It gripped me by my feet and forced me back into my body. The weight of the frost pressed down on my skull until I fused with my body and became myself once more.
This time however, I did not feel the dirtiness of the past. I was so cold that my bones ached and my mind could think of nothing else. Teeth chattering, hands rubbing each other for warmth, every part of my brain was focused on making it out of here into the warmth. The sickening part of me froze over temporarily so that I could deal with it at a later date. It didn't quite disappear but it was locked away for now so that only the human part of me remained.
I blew into my palms to warm it out of habit when something flew past my cheek and left it stinging with warmth.
SWISH