Soon enough, Xavier was back in my room as of no time had passed.
"Have you made your decision?"
"Yes. Neutral."
"And you are certain that you have thought this through enough?"
"With the time limit you gave, is that even possible?" I asked in an accusatory manner even if I had no intention of engaging in an argument. "I have thought it through as much as I could have before making my decision."
Noticing the uncomfortable silence, no matter how brief, Anson chimed in.
"Then let the lessons begin! Max, I look forward to working alongside you for the next few months."
His interruption helped in changing the atmosphere, though I would never admit that to him. I could however, acknowledge the effort he put in towards trying to keep the atmosphere cordial despite preferring to speak as little as possible.
In my mind first lessons should always be the easiest. That may be because I assume it is introductory and does not require much thinking. But that is coming from a place of having some sort of prior knowledge or a place to draw connections from. I realise that only now. I am far behind others so starting from the beginning makes absolutely no sense. Words they are saying are only registering as words with no meaning. They may as well be speaking in an unknown language for all I know. That's a slight exaggeration but the sentiment is the same.
To control my mana I had to at least know how to access it, so I was looking for something which I had no idea where to find. 'Focus on the concentrated ball of energy in your core'. Nonsense. WHAT energy? WHERE is the core? In this context it could be anywhere. I wasn't even sure of how it should feel, so how would I know? I imagine that this is how babies would feel if they had the mental capacity of an average adult.
Of course, I didn't vocalise my difficulties in following instructions. That would only make me look bad for being incapable of doing something that even a child knows how to do. Not that it's my fault. I'm still new to this! We didn't have magic so it wasn't like I grew up learning how to do any of that. I learnt the normal subjects.
Exasperated by the thought of having to listen to Xavier questioning my failure to do as told, I focused. Technically that was something I had been doing from the beginning, but this time I did it properly. I closed my eyes, internally inspecting every part of my body. For a while I felt nothing other than silly for entertaining the idea of suddenly finding something within me. After that came anger at myself for believing in something so detached from reality in hopes of some new sense of meaning in life. That was until I hit the jackpot.
Suddenly it all made sense because I could feel what they were talking about. It was small, so faint that I would have missed it had I not been looking. Near my chest I could feel what I can only describe as heaviness but I instantly knew that that was it. It was so faint that had I been in any sort of pain, the pain would have completely prevented me from noticing it. But right here and right now, I felt it. The faint inkling that I could be whoever I wanted to be. It was right there all along, sitting comfortably between my lungs just waiting to be found.
I continued to concentrate until I could feel it gradually growing, just little by little. Any time my mind wandered, it began to shrink and my impatience would force me back into a complete fixation on the feeling. Although I know what the colour showed, to me it felt more blue. It was like electricity but not in the painful sense. It was a dark blue ball of condensed energy, running in circles while maintaining it's form perfectly. It was so perfect I almost refuse to believe that every one else also has the same thing. It just felt special and yet it was so common that it felt nonsensical.
I continued to feel it grow and shrink, until it had quadrupled in size. By then I had no energy to continue. My entire body felt like it had gotten significantly heavier and my legs could no longer hold the weight of it all. I opened my eyes, pained by the light I had been sheltered from behind my closed eyelids, only to see Xavier and Anson staring at me with a worried expression.
"Are you okay?" Anson asked, holding on to me while supporting me to the nearest chair.
With barely enough energy to speak, I mustered up the strength to push out a few words.
"I'm just tired. Nothing to worry about."
This time it was Xavier who spoke up.
"What do you mean nothing to worry about? We have been calling out to you for more than ten minutes. You were standing there for over an hour and were visibly growing weaker by the minute. We could not even touch you to shake you out of it for fear of you falling over and injuring yourself. Do you know how much an unconscious body weighs? A lot and I do not want to carry that around with me."
I couldn't think. Couldn't really figure out the appropriate words to use when they were both so evidently anxious. I didn't think any words could comfort them so I didn't want to try.
"An hour?" I asked instead. If I couldn't comfort them, the least I could do was have one of my questions answered.
A sigh of exhaustion left Xavier's mouth while Anson simply stared at the ground deep in thought.
"Yes, Max. You spent an entire hour simply standing there without even listening to us. I think even if someone has broken in, you would have remained oblivious and remained in that state had it not been for your tiredness breaking you out of it."
Now it was my turn to stare into space, deep in thought. An hour didn't make sense to me. Sure it felt like quite some time had passed but I would have guessed half an hour at most. How could double that amount of time have passed without me being aware of it, or even being aware that they were calling out to me?
"We will leave it here for today since the two of us are also at our limit. We will see you again tomorrow." Xavier left without looking at me.
Anson stayed a minute longer unmoving but eventually also got up. Unlike Xavier however, he had said goodnight before leaving.
Yet again, I was left alone with my thoughts. Maybe I only look for the bad but it always seems as though I have one problem or another to deal with.