-Listen hermano, things happened between you and my people at school but this wasn't us. Take some time out to heal and be a man about it. You have problems, come face me and we'll work it out. C-
It doesn't take a genius to figure out Carlos is trying to save his boy's skin after the shit they have been doing towards me for the past three plus years. I'd be worried about a message like this before I got ambushed, I didn't like the beatings, but now I just can't find the despair or anger or even shame that I had when I think about it. I could forward this to the Detective; instead I leave the message where it is. I have an hour to kill when I get a knock on my door before Mr. D sticks his head in.
"Hey Guy, dinner's ready," he tells me and I nod before turning back to my computer," Did you want us to bring the plate to you?"
"No, I'll get some later," I remarked even though I'm hungry.
"Would you please come down and sit with us," he asks and I turn to look at him.
"No, and it's not because I'm making a statement or I'm mad at the whole group of you. I just don't feel like going through the motions of trying," I explain turning back to my computer.
"Guy you're not the only one trying here. All of us, especially your mother and I are trying to bring you back where you should have been when we first got married. You were looking at us to fix everything and we broke you. I am ashamed for my part in that," He says and I finally turn and stand to face him.
"You're ashamed? You're the greatest father and husband that walked the planet from where I stand. You built all this for your wife and children, then your wife died. You didn't break down, you got out there and somehow you met my Mother and the biggest miracle of all you got her to stop drinking and partying. You brought her into your home and your children saw how happy she made you and they loved her for it. I'd say you deserve a Nobel Prize or something," I explain and he's taking it in what I'm saying but he doesn't understand all of it.
"I didn't think you would think that way about me," he gets the words out and I give him the second half.
"That's because I'm not in your family, I'm the tag along. I've been an extra baggage since I was nine; it just took you marrying Mom for me to realize that. Your family
helped it but I'm the extra piece you don't really need," it hurts a little but I've known this for the past two years.
"Guy you are not extra baggage," he tries to stop me but I have to Simple Simon this.
"I was her son, the one time she actually did something with that when I was growing up she went to court and took me away from my father. After that I woke her up for work and took care of her and me for over four years. Then you come along with the poster family and all of sudden she stops everything. No drinking, no partying, no bars. Instead she is going out with you and meeting your family and the whole time I'm sitting at home wondering what's going on. And when do I meet your perfect fucking family? After you proposed to her. They knew her for months while I sat in our apartment," I tell him feeling more agitated and upset.
"Guy, we didn't know," he says and I step forward.
"Nobody knew because nobody gave a shit. The worst part is for years I wanted her to clean up and be my mom, I only got half that. She cleaned up and became a Mom for you and your kids. She didn't even know I existed from the time of the divorce till three weeks ago. Now you want to tell me that I'm a valued part of this family? That I've always belonged here? Go lie to your clients but stop lying to me. You don't care, she doesn't care, and your children don't care at times ten. Congratulations cause I've said it a hundred times and I'll say it again. I… DON'T… CARE," I get it all out and feel hurt, physically and emotionally.
The truth hurts; it doesn't just hurt who you tell it to either. It hurts everyone. I don't know how much my voice carried downstairs but watching Mr. Delauter's face turn from hope to shame in a matter of minutes at best isn't something I wanted to do. I watch the man turn and close the door to my room before probably returning to the kitchen and dining room for dinner with his family. There is a part of me that feels like I should apologize but analyzing how I feel and what I said causes me to reach the decision not to. I didn't cause this and I never wanted it. I actually wonder if dying three weeks ago would have been a better ending for my life than to drag on with everyone trying to relieve their guilt over what they did or didn't do. I can't figure out what I want to do, lifting weights or running is out since they want me to wait a bit longer before taking on strenuous activity. I don't even own a game system nor have any games on my computer and every book I have, all fifteen of them, I've read at least three times. I settle for calming myself down after my emotional outburst with my Stepfather and lay down on my bed to do just that. It could have been five minutes or an hour, I'm not sure how long but my door comes open as if it wasn't my room and Abigail walks in with me in her mind.
"Okay time for you to get off your bed and come downstairs," she informs me and I look at her from my pillow.
Loose knit sweaters and sweatpants are the comfort choice this evening for Abby. Add to that her glasses and near black but still brown hair is in a braid or ponytail where I can't see it. Biggest thing I notice is the look on her face, never seeing her upset or determined before.
"I just had this conversation with your father," I get the words out as she moves over to the side of the bed and grabs my good wrist to help me up," Don't do that."
"You have no choice, you come down stairs with me and we sit like it should have been and you let us try to make this happen. You don't think it's a legitimate fine but you believe in justice and the scales are going to be hanging in your favor with all of this for a while especially with me," I pause her words while sitting up to face her.
"Especially with you? I am curious how the one who just went along and didn't actually do anything is the worst about the whole thing," I ask and she sits down in my computer chair to address me.
"Because I wanted to know you and I didn't do anything when I knew I should have. It was Edmund Burke who said that 'Evil will triumph when good people do nothing'. I let Bethany lie and get her way and she promised me things and delivered on all of them but I knew I was wrong. In her mind she was doing what was best for all of us and to hell with you but I thought you'd be good for the family," Abby tells me and I wonder at her reasoning.
"How in the world would I be good for the perfect family? What could I have added to this household that you didn't have," I ask, not enjoying the conversation round two.
"How about some appreciation? Appreciation for the things we have when you didn't have that growing up. Or what about your decent nature, something my sister is almost completely without. You have been given nothing and yet anytime you had something handed to you here you treated it better than anything any of us ever got. We broke something or lost something we just asked for and it was replaced, you valued it and took care of it like it was the last one. You never looked down on someone because they weren't up to your standards because you don't have standards. You treat people like people and let their actions decide what you do to deal with them," she explains and I shrug.
"Then take your do nothing ass and depart," I point to the door and she shakes me off.
"No, I have been told how to treat you by my sister for years. I know how I should have acted and I know it isn't a lost cause to try to be here with you," Abby informs me and I am curious about this statement.
"How do you think it's not a lost cause," I ask and she smiles a little.
"Cause you are still alive," I hear the words and it gives me pause," You keep saying you don't care, the dead don't care and you aren't dead. Damaged, abused and neglected yes, our entire fault but not dead. Dead we can't help with, I can't help with it. But you're alive and that we can fix, it will take time and we have that."
"A rousing speech and you have some logic to it but," I start and she stops me.
"No buts, you come down stairs and let us do our part. It's late, very late, but not too late since you're still here," Abby says and I pause for a moment," I mean if you wanted you could leave right now and be gone. You have the option so if our family is so bad why not just leave?"
And she has me nailed on that mostly, I want to finish high school but I could do that anywhere. I stayed because it's an easy, honest truth. I figured I could do my work and coast along then once I'm out the challenge begins doing everything on my own without the 'Delauter safety net'. She is pulling at my arm again to get me to stand up and I follow, unenthusiastically, but I follow. They haven't even started eating from what I can tell, they were dishing up and now Mom and Mr. Delauter are talking in his office while Mark and Bethany sit in the TV room and debate whatever they would debate about. Abigail has me take a seat with her and leaves to get the rest of the family. I can hear her from the dining room tell them that 'it's dinner' and they say 'we're not eating yet' before she counters with 'Guy's at the table waiting'. Apparently that was enough to get Mom and Mr. Delauter to leave his office and call the rest of the family. Mom and Bethany dish the food, spaghetti and garlic bread, while Rosa serves. I'm not the first to be served but Rosa stops and places her hand on my shoulder for a moment and I feel a little better that I can tell someone really cares. We sit, we eat and for the most part they talk but it's strained. They want to talk to me but they don't or they don't know what to say considering none of them, most especially Mom, really know anything about me. I actually think Abigail is going to be the first to try to break the ice when Mark opens his mouth.
"So how long till you're back to normal," Mark asks and the levels that I could answer this question are more than he could imagine.
"I don't think I'm ever going to be normal," it's all I can do to let him know how different I feel.
"I think he was talking about now that you're out of the hospital honey," Mom says trying to help.
"Yeah, let's just say I'll be taking it slow for a while," I keep it physical for the most part.
Awkward, definitely but I don't have anything to say to anyone in this alleged 'family'. Not out of spite I just don't feel remotely close to them. I am being watched to see if I'm going to snap but it's Mr. D that is keeping an eye on me more than anyone. After my words to him I don't know if he and Mom talked but I'm guessing she's going to find out at some point and then this becomes even more awkward. Dinner finished and I feel physically better and tired. I spent three weeks doing nothing and you'd feel tired eating a real meal and dealing with potential emotional dumping from all comers. I get back to my room and lay down for bed, we're looking at a weekend then school week which I don't know if I'm going and finally the Halloween Party that Bethany is trying to plan for me as some form of repayment for being a complete cunt. I don't think I'll attend the party when I think about everything; it's actually not for me. I don't know the people nor do they know me, the most probable thing is that she invited a small army of her popular friends and they are going to make me feel welcome into the upper echelon of high school. Good luck assholes. I get dressed for bed which allows me to wear shorts for the first time in three weeks really; they had me peeing in a tube for fuck's sake. I drift off to sleep forgetting to take a pain pill since I'm not in pain.