So first things first on a Saturday morning after my night with Abigail is Mom there checking on me like she said. I didn't really clean up last night and when I point out that I've been dressing myself without her for over a decade I see my Mom's face turn from helpful to sad. Now I'm trying to be nice for some reason, I blame Abby, and try to scramble a reason.
"Mom I need to try to do this myself, only way I am going to get back to full speed is doing it on my own," I see it doesn't help the situation and figure on turning it up a notch," Can you just wait outside the door for a bit in just in case?"
She nods in agreement and smiles lightly before stepping out of the room. I dress easily, it's not that difficult to put on the basics of shorts and a t- shirt before stepping out of my room and she smiles at me. She's trying, really trying but I don't feel good about it. I put that away and joined some of the family for breakfast as it's only Abby, Mom and Mr. Delauter with me. Abby is sitting next to me again and the parents are at their head and foot of the table. Both want to talk, both want to say something but after Mom got kicked out of my room and Mr. D received my message of why I don't care about his family. It makes things difficult for them to reach me and I am in the ninety percentile of not wanting them to. Mom informs me that I'm to be home and healing for another week. I'll have missed almost all of October but in the first week of November I'll be back in classes which will delay my initial plans by a month so end of February or beginning of March if I keep to my idea. I know Abby is up to something because she's started to say something to the table three times and stopped looking at me before she did.
"Guy could do college courses through the high school," she finally says and now Mom and Mr. D are paying attention," If he does college courses through the school he'll be a step ahead for college."
"I don't know if I'm going to college," I say the words and now both parents want to chime in.
"Honey college is the next step for you, it's getting out there and seeing the world," Mom starts but Mr. D is quick to counter.
"College is the reason you put up with high school nonsense. All the drama and bullshit," I don't think I've ever heard him swear before," that you have to put up with so that you can go to college and get a real education. You spend four years prepping for it and I think it'd be a shame if you wasted it."
"What classes are my strongest," I ask and now the table goes quiet, for a second.
"Math and English," Mom says and I figure she has had a look at my transcripts," You were always so smart with math when you were little and even though I never got you a calculator you still passed your classes."
"Let's not take this trip down memory lane right now," Mr. Delauter says, taking control of the conversation," The point my daughter is trying to make about Guy is that you have options, not just here but out there in the world."
They're trying to get me to stay but still I don't feel it. I remember when I wanted to stay, it seemed like a lifetime ago but that died in me two years back at the no birthday party I had. I let that thought carry me through picking at the scraps of breakfast and when I'm done head up to my room to 'rest and recover'.
Healing is a wonderful thing, it allows you to regain who you were and realize that you can be stronger and better than you were before. It's also boring as watching paint dry and grass grow, I actually sat outside and watched the yard. We live in a yard big enough for me to do laps around and yet we have no dog. It seems like a crime but they'd probably move me into a closet under the stairs for the dog to take my room. I don't think that would actually happen now but a couple of years ago Bethany could make it happen. Speaking of Queen of the Bitch brigade she keeps messaging me because facetime is too much for her right now. Nothing like 'Are you okay' or 'I was a complete cunt and I'm sorry' it's more 'Are you going to attend my Halloween party or not' and 'You better not have a crappy costume'. I spent the weekend feeling the love of those messages.
Monday I find myself left alone in the house except for Rosa who is doing her chores. Mom is doing some volunteer thing she apparently has been involved in for the past couple years. I didn't even know, maybe the lack of caring became a two way street and I didn't notice. Regardless with her gone wherever she went and everyone else at work and school I am allowed to sit downstairs in peace with Rosa. I'm the one sitting as she is cleaning the kitchen and doing prep work for dinner tonight, mother cooking still confuses my inner child.
"Guy you are doing better," Rosa asks and I nod," why do you not tell everyone you are better?"
"They don't deserve to know and anyone out there who wants to hurt me more will see me already wounded and surrounded by watchful eyes. It'll keep me safe till the police figure out who it was that did this," I explain and she nods but doesn't like it.
"Guy I know you and your family are not close, I watch you and them. Your mother doesn't know how to help you," Rosa says and I like Rosa so I let her say her piece," You should give her an opportunity."
"Rosa you are a nicer person, I'm not. I'd love to be able to say that I actually did something to garner the level of apathy that these people and my mother have for me but I didn't. You say give her a chance," I ask, receiving a nod in reply," She had four years."
"She loves you," Rosa tries to explain but I have to stop that.
"She loves the idea of me, she loves possessing me but actually loves me? I've never known a time in my life where I was a priority and after my sixteenth I know that
making her or any of them a priority isn't worth my time. I need to get back to school and finish so I can move on with my life," I tell Rosa who understands my words but doesn't believe them.
"This family is a good family, they are not perfect and they have faults…. Some big ones with the cheer puta," I smile at Rosa's thoughts on Bethany," But they are trying, they are desperate to make you a part of the family. You should let them."
"I should and I could but I won't. I don't deserve it," I say and before she says something about my words I finish the thought," I don't deserve being let down and dragged around when everyone gets bored with making me feel welcome and goes back to their perfect lives."
Rosa wants to say something but the front door opens and we hear Mother come in and call for me. We want to talk more but for my privacy and her employment we keep this discussion to ourselves. Mom comes in and wants to talk to me about my day but considering talking with Rosa and laying around doing nothing is all I've got. She wants to make me a snack, I'm not hungry. Then Mom is wondering if I want to watch TV with her and I say no before heading back to my room. Rosa disapproves and I see it in her face. I'll probably have to talk with her about it tomorrow.
Monday rides out as boring and the same with Tuesday and most of Wednesday until the afternoon. Mom was home most of the day and didn't want to go anywhere without me, she's offered before but I'm supposed to be healing not running around on 'salvage relationship errands'. I don't think I'm acting any differently than I have been before, I'm not giving them anything and I'm not taking anything however now most of the family is trying to get me to open up. I'm up in my room and I know the rest of the house is home by the noise and Abigail bringing me my homework. She's been really helpful in that respect but otherwise she is being a pain. She won't talk to me at all about her night in my room and she isn't letting go of me staying at the house for the family. I must have been done with my homework for about a half hour when Mr. D knocks on my door asking to come in even though it's half way open.
"Your house," I remark, realizing how cold it sounds.
"We're having a family meeting downstairs and I'm here to get you," he says and I shrug," Please. I don't want to tell Abigail and have her get mad and come up to get you."
"Why not try yelling and screaming at me, it would be a change of pace," I comment but I stand up and follow him down.