"We all make mistakes. The consequences decide if they're worth it."
••••
I was five years old when I met my fiancé, Crown Prince Alexander Jaxx. He was someone that many of my class desired, as he had a strong standing, power, material wealth, and assets that were unrivalled by no one within the kingdom. Somehow, I never truly felt passion for him. Or desire, only developing a strong fondness for the older youth because of his lonely upbringing, a strong sense of pity and duty I felt towards him when we first met as I was a few months older than him.
Hearing his story left me slightly winded when I learnt more about my fiancé, how he had suffered at the hands of his father's neglectfulness and the schemes of his father's concubines. Though if put into perspective, Archaleus was not that bad of a father when compared to some others, my father never really respected him for being more indulgent with his women than his children. My mother had informed and reminded me about the workings and ruthlessness of the courts, and even a simple slip-up would mean that someone new to such situations would get their reputation torn to shreds. Mother is also the reason I have thick skin.
My mother works under the guise of being a stay-at-home parent and manages the family's finances. She came from the Wu Household, a strong and distinguished family from the north where they were notable and established for their long generations of scholars. If a member wasn't a gifted scholar, they all led happy and self-fulfilling lives. Their family motto; is to live well, to one's happiness as one won't regret. They had never been born with any shame when one of their children chose a different path or area of study or if they settled for mediocrity. As long as the child reached their potential in whatever they wished, then it was encouraged.
My father, however, was from a small family from the south of Eflua, and although he was from a noble family, his circumstances were much less fortunate than my mother's. He was the middle child of the Cheng Household; his elder brother constantly overshadowed him and relentlessly tormented his younger brother. His elder brother tried to get close to him and make their relationship warmer. Father then left the family, then travelled to the mainland, picking up odd jobs here and there, but was a good sales attendant with much upper-class clientele. Those two had met and had developed feelings for each other. My mother had despised him because of his supposed shamelessness and lack of awareness of others. My mother had always been uptight about etiquette and was more prone to get quite shy or flustered in a social event, whereas my father thrived under these events.
The two were the most unlikely candidates for one another. My mother, considered sophisticated and elegant, paired with someone quite plain though organised as my father. But if they had not married, Xianlan Wuzung would not be here. Their coupling and rise to power were due to my grandma, the WuZung Matriarch – though I had never interacted with her, I feel as if I know her. Grandma has never once visited me, only sending gifts to me on my birthdays and such, and they were always the things I secretly wanted. Additionally, the Dukedom inherited by the women made my mother the current Matriarch, my father's Matriarch Consort.
Although I am digressing, I was engaged to Alexander. Over the years, we had developed a mutual respect and affection towards one another, but it was not eros nor anything one would feel for a spouse. It was philia, a deep friendship we had for each other. It was something that I always refused, even when he had bodily changes and went through puberty. Soon enough, we were in our late teens there was a lack of growth in his character. His knowledge, of course, grew, but his analytical skills progressed slowly. Alexander was still always driven by his emotions and impulsive.
I approached the doors with the papers clenched tightly in my hands. My nerves were jittery, and I found it hard to focus on what I was to say. I knew it was a risky move and I should have spent longer thinking about it, though I didn't have much energy. I was still engaged to this person. Those feelings of possessiveness were a byproduct of our engagement. He was the same as well, refusing allowance for me to meet friends of the opposite sex. Though it was hypocritical of him – this was one of the reasons for our disputes.
The grand oak doors stared at me. It felt akin to being scrutinised under old eyes. Anyone that appeared in front of the Imperial Family, the Imperial Palace had that effect on anyone, the feeling of such aloofness and grandness like Mount Olympus from legends; mere mortals would never be allowed in. Only those best of the best were in attendance. If one were to inquire about any part of the possessions of the Palace, one would learn it was an offering. The grand oak doors observed me. Smooth and grand. The oak comes from one of the best.
It was not long before I was permitted entrance.
When I walked into the spacious office, I secretly admired the room and shelves upon shelves of books as I curtseyed before Alexander. Keeping a pleasant smile on my face, something that was always present, unless around those I consider close friends.
I make no move for small talk and gently place the papers on his table. I observed him, surprise and shock present, displaying displeasure. He fixed a hard stare on me.
"...What is the meaning of this?"
"I do not wish to be married to you. I am never going to be a wife."
'Wife' was emphasised, and it did not lose the insinuated meaning on him as he made no other expression further than the expressed displeasure.
"... Are you sure of this? What about your family?"
At the mention of this, my gaze turned cold, glaring at him slightly. I kept my tone pleasant.
"Yes? What of them?"
"I-I meant, are they alright with it?"
"Of course. My family supports my decision, and the Crown Prince can pursue whatever catches his fancy."
I saw the tiny wince on his face and once again smiled amicably. I don't like to be played with or made a fool. I treat responsibilities and relationships with the utmost sincerity because living in a world full of politics, scandals and danger lurking behind the relationships I cherish.
I looked down at the marble floor decorated with a red and gold rug with an emblem of the Imperial Family. A phoenix wrapped in flames and two swords crossed at the bottom, a fitting symbol of the Imperial Jaxx Family, as they did rise from the ashes of the old family.
From the look on his face, he finally realised what I had been told and seen with my own eyes.
"... I-I... don't want things to change between us."
"..."
"Please. Say something."
"There is nothing to say to Your Highness," I bowed and made to walk to the door, and just before I got to the door, "There was never much to say. You can't ask for the impossible. "
I turned and left the room. Standing outside the office, in the silence of the grand hallways as was the norm for the Palace. A moment before continuing to the entrance where my carriage was waiting for me. The grey pallor of the sky streamed through the large windows, and Xianlan could faintly see the dust particles dancing around.
The day was a lovely stormy grey, made up of different shades of grey; it reminded me of a dear friend of mine, a daughter of a high-ranking foreign minister, Katherine Aux.
I continue to admire the sky. Something that reminded me a lot; of how powerful nature is, how small it makes us in the face of time, and that tenderness of how friendships have blossomed, all the while the sky has kept watch overhead. The sky possesses all – it is the cause of hurricanes and typhoons, so destructive one might even think that the wrath of God is coming down. Yet, other times it is so gentle, the wind is delicate, and the singing of the gales.
A clear memory was of when we ran down the beachside, a distinct and joyful memory. A memory that made me smile now because of the purity and innocence that shines in that memory alone made my heart ache ever so slightly with Saudade. However, as soon as it came, I squashed it down again; this was not one of the few things that made my heart twinge. Many things do a familiar smell, action, dish, or activity. And it happens at any moment.
Even I put up a facade and refused to admit how hurt I was.
Now that we are just about to part ways, there is always the heavy sense of loss that fills us when we have made preparations to leave. We ache because we have lost the familiarity of it; what use is it pondering over this?
Shaking my head, I talk with my handmaid. Lola Florence was a childhood friend and became my handmaid through a recommendation. We have been together since the age of ten, playing together before our parents deemed it fit that we continue to be together, just a slight change of dynamic. Of course, nothing truly ever changed. Otherwise, she would not be my servant for long. Lola had bright green eyes, beautiful eyes, and dark auburn hair that tied up neatly and simply with a calm demeanour but a sharp and lethal tongue if angered.
There were a few admissions wherein she stated that I was one of the few children that could handle her sharp wit. I remember laughing at her and saying something scathing back. We had both fallen silent for a moment before cackling so loudly that Mother came in with a mildly worried look. That is a fond memory.
We talk of nonsensical things back; we badmouth the Crown Prince too. It has been something that we've done since toddlers, always teasing him. Now we are not under his complete governance and can be more independent.
We fell into a comfortable silence again – I looked out of the window. Mind blank, enjoying the silence, just thinking. One of those quiet moments where one feels their mind expand and relax. A sort of empty moment. Something that I welcome most times, sometimes not so much.
••••
A young boy stifled his cries as heavy thumping footsteps followed him, his nanny in front of him and a harsh grip on his wrist as she dragged him through the dark, hard cobblestone underneath his feet. Legs aching and heart thumping; he ran through the dark as the people were chasing him and his nanny closed in pursuit behind them.
Then he saw the entrance. His eyes widened as his heart bloomed with hope.
They ran out into the night, and the sound of their pursuers slowly faded away as the forest kept their location hidden; it was like a higher being was watching over them. As he continued to run with his nanny, he looked to the sky. It was a wonder that he hadn't stumbled. In his mind, it was as if the stars were shining brighter, glistening like precious jewels scattered carelessly in the sky.
The young boy's heart filled with hope, a hope so sweet that it lit the flames of determination in his heart; he wanted to be someone powerful, someone, able to protect the people he cared for and provide freedom for those less fortunate than he.
Life makes us change.
Sometimes in the most unexpected ways.