"I sometimes wonder about things. Such as my own stupidity."
••••
The papers sat on my desk, something like a warning. A painful warning. Although I have never loved Xianlan, I never wished to part with her. And as painful and selfish as it is when I just want to have her without the commitment because I am interested in another.
She must have known, too. I sigh and smile even if it feels more like a grimace, both at the same time as I think of how greedy I am. Her maid, Lola, always shoots me a dirty look ever since she had seen me with another that wasn't her mistress/friend. But she had never told Xianlan and for that I am grateful. Although I would not say it's because she didn't tell her, it's because she must've already known.
My hand rakes down the side of my face as I groan in frustration.
...What should I do?
After a few more minutes of pondering, I decided to just let us part ways. She will always have to come back to the palace and interact with me, maybe then I would have more of a chance to cultivate our relationship better that way. I am willing to flatter myself by thinking that I know her quite well. It wasn't like she could evade me or the Imperial Family. But then again, it was Xianlan, the heiress and only child of the WuZung Dukedom, someone that was not to be trifled with because her reputation precedes her; a ruthless disposition to those that harm the ones she cares about. But otherwise has an infuriating indifference to the small wrongs that are done against her.
I had the unfortunate luck of seeing her temper more than a few times.
My pen hovered over the paper for another moment before I imprinted my signature on the paper.
Everything is done, and I am free from the restraints of marriage.
Yet as I look out of the window and into the horizon, why do I feel such a heavy and senseless loss in my heart?
Loss fills one heart, it fills another with a deep sense of freedom.
Xianlan ate breakfast quietly, listening to her mother complaining to her father about something like some accidental economic investment that seemed to be a liability and yet here they were talking about something without really trying to solve it, because, in the end, it was Drystan that ends up dealing with it so well, with the advice of mother that they can gloss over the accident.
"Xianlan, tell me, why did you divorce him? Not complaining though," her mother asked her, tone kind.
"Personal reasons. I dislike him, and he also is interested in other people."
"What about duty? Or the repercussions that will come with this?"
"Let them talk, mother. People will always do. Emperor Archaleus understands."
"Alright. As long as you don't have any second thoughts."
The whole table and the servants in attendance knew the blatant reason. Meaning that the rumour will start to circulate fast. It is good to sometimes have rumours about the other person first within the nobility, the one who gets the truth out first will later have a better chance of surviving. This was not something that ever shocked Xianlan, although the constant stupidity did. Sometimes, when in attendance at certain social events, I can hear the whispers; loud and obvious. Then when I was near them and walked past them, they inquired to each other whether I had heard.
I always hear them, just doing what almost all do. Ignore them.
"Mother, I have something to ask of you."
"What is it? Clothes? If so, then no, you have enough. Do not waste it."
"No, I would like to become a knight."
My mother's gaze had turned sharp and landed on me, the implications running through her head I could see — all visible on her face — before looking back at the food in front of her. "It is strict training. Hard and unforgiving, for you to do well, that is. I have no space for slackers."
"I understand, mother. I will bring both you and my father pride. I shall excuse myself."
Father looked at us, bewildered. "Do I have no say in this?"
Mother and I burst out laughing as the slight tensions eased out.
"I am going to the library and then going out with a friend after. Will that be alright mother?"
"Yes. Do what you want. I will be off to work at the hospital later. Evening shift."
"Oh," father said, "I will be on a business trip too as well. Only be back once a week from now on."
"Oh. So we're all busy then."
"Yes."
I cackled on the way out, jovial at the thought of being able to have the house to myself without my parent's constant surveillance.
••••
My muscles were aching. Everything hurts. And I was on the floor, laying there after the first session.
Mother had got me one of the best swordsmen in the kingdom. His name is Johnathan Indie; his family came from a long line of sword masters. Not coming out on top as the winners of the Snow and Sky annual competitions, but do periodically grab the winners' position. The winners would be bestowed knighthood with the Imperial Knights Faction and then their family would also be designated land and social standing. Besides that, the Emperor could grant the winner one wish.
God. It will be a long time before I get to that point.
••••
A few months pass by and I am rethinking everything.
HOW AM I READY TO TAKE PART IN THE LOCAL COMPETITIONS?!
I glare at Johnathan. He just sends a playful smile my way, and I glare harder. Damn this man and his cute face. This was the reason why he had asked for my details from Drystan; now I compete.
Stepping into the arena. I was up against my first competitor and this competition will last for a week, and then after the week, there will be two days before they publish the results for those that are going to the nationals.
I am going to die.
The horn then blared, and I hurried to parry a blow before leaping back, keeping a distance between me and the other. He hurried to chase me, an overzealous gaze as he chased me.
He won't stop if I keep going back.
Gripping my sword in my left hand, I observed the surprise in his eyes. Gritting my teeth and lunging at him, I feign a strike to the left before kicking out his feet from underneath him as I kick him in the chest again. Flinging him back.
He stumbled badly, sword still pointed at me. I rush at him, swiping left and right before knocking the sword out of his hands. Out of the ring.
I continue to chase him, before nearing him to the edge of the ring before using the butt of my sword, breaking his nose and aiming one last kick at the chest, flinging him out of the ring.
I made my first official victory all the sweeter, seeing the gleeful looks from both my mother and Johnathan.
••••
I swept through the other fights with relative ease, but I knew I was not about to lose focus soon. I could not afford to lose.
Sighing, I walked to the bathroom where the water had already been put together by Lola.
I knew things were going to be hard, but I never truly understood the brunt of it until I was in the moment.
The sound of metal grating against each other made the hair stand up on the back of my neck, but I grit my teeth and pushed against her. She had the height advantage, but before she could cleave me in half, I loosen my grip by a fraction, sending her closer to me before throwing sand into her face. Knocking the sword out of her hands and kicking her out of the ring.
I winced internally when my feet connected with her chest. There was a small crack that came from her chest.
Quickly turning my head from her, I looked to where my mother sat as she watched. A triumphant and prideful smile appeared on her face as I met her eyes.
________________________________________________________________________________
Walking through the bustling streets of the evening, there was a festival going on. Lanterns were lit up and hung from pole to pole, creating a wondrous view. Illuminating the streets, loud peals of laughter from the crowd, and the simple heavenly smells of the food that is provided.
There was something cosy and homely about the smell of such food, of course, it is not as sophisticated nor refined as the food made by the cooks within a noble household, but there is a lack of pretentiousness and a certain liveliness in preparing food as a family, and sometimes making beautiful dishes with ingredients that have been stretched to last as long as it can and be as filling as it can.
Shaking my head, I walk past them and start gently pushing through the crowd.
Mother and Father are both off at work. Mother attended the first few until I noticed the more tired slump of her shoulders and told her it would be best if she went home after the long evening shifts she takes at her job. Managing her own company. I never really understood how my mother did that all the time.
Looking around again, I have walked quite far; it was the quieter areas of the town, and poorer it seems to judge by the housing and how there were a few people that were following me.
Frowning, I realised I have walked too far. I was on the outskirts and it was quiet.
There was distant sobbing.
I knew I shouldn't investigate without other people; it would be a surefire way of getting myself stuck when I would have someone to keep safe and then they would become a liability to me.
You are stupid. Your kindness may be the very thing that kills you one day.
Gritting my teeth, I run towards the noise. Going down the alleys, I looked up into the sky. There seemed to be almost no other noise apart from my heavy breaths and the click of my shoes.
In the end, the noise wasn't a ruse and a boy was crying and whimpering as men towered over him. I felt deep resentment and disgust at the group that was standing over the young boy, insinuating something vulgar.
I had no other weapons on me apart from my sword, even if the blacksmith made it from carbon steel and then layered it with iron around it. The duration of the sword-making process was quite long.
But I digress.
Quietly unsheathing my sword, I rushed towards the nearest one and sliced off his head, then leapt to another and stabbed him through the chest and before the third and fourth one could grab me, I spun and kicked the third in the jaw and decapitated the fourth one again.
There were a few specks of blood on my cape and my boots. I ignored it in favour of looking after the traumatised boy in front of me.
I looked at him and we both stared for a moment before he scrambled back until he gently thumped against the wall behind him. Trembling and shivering.
My eyes widened slightly as I realised I may look like a demon to a young boy who had just prevented him from experiencing the worst things.
What a poor boy.
Unclipping my cape, I gently wrapped it around the boy and brought him into my arms. He was still crying, albeit more softly.
"Shh... You're safe now. Rest. I will find you someplace safe."
The boy thankfully quietened down and just laid on me silently as I held him in my arms, his face resting in the crook of my neck and little hands secure around my neck. We continued walking through the cobbled streets and the moon watched us, almost. Even the festival was entering its last stages and some places were even packing up.
I watched the boy. He looked longingly at the toys and how some of the other children were still playing around carefree and full of laughter. Only now did I take in the difference between his appearance to the other common traits of those children.
He was an albino.
White hair, pale alabaster skin and light-coloured eyes, grey almost. Some patches of his skin were different shades from the rest of them.
"What is your name?"
"...Wang Kai."
And I nearly spat out blood, never thought such feelings of unease would swell up inside me.
The Wang Family was a noble family that had been removed when the Imperial Family had ascended the throne as they were close allies with one of the foreign families that were selling weapons to an enemy country. It was a well-known story and how their only son had been missing but presumed dead. They publicly executed the parents.
I looked down at the little boy in my arms, and the felt loss and extreme sympathy. My hold tightened around him.
"Do... Do you know where your parents are? Was-was there anyone looking after you?"
He shook his head, "Alone. Been alone. Nanny is gone."
I nodded and ignored the thumping of my heart and I hoped that the little boy didn't hear it either. This was something that I would rarely take notice of and just ignore the feelings I held; I had always felt too deeply.
Nearing the inn where our competitors were supposed to stay, I hurriedly walked to my room and asked for food to be brought to the room instead. I ordered Lola to draw a bath before sending Johnathan off to go find some new clothes. The two had looked at the boy swaddled in my cape and said nothing before going to do their designated tasks and they were quick too. There was no dilly-dallying as I would have normally permitted. This was not the time to, and they understood. Something I appreciated.
Wang Kai stared at me, an unnerving stare locked onto me. Bright grey eyes looked at me with an indiscernible warmth that brought a slight flush to my cheeks as I cooed at him, brushing away the hair that was falling into his grey eyes.
"Xianlan. The bath is ready."
"The clothes are here, Lanlan."
"Thank you both. You guys may rest. Apologies for keeping you up late."
I watched the two bows before leaving the room. I looked back at the young boy in front of me. He was looking at me again before beaming at me. Something so sweet and tender, it made my heart warm.
It was that day, that day that I had vowed to keep him safe.