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Some days are harder than others. Some days I want to cease to exist. I have lost my flesh but I haven't lost my hurt. I wonder if it's a boy or a girl. I wonder if they'll hear stories about me. About how utterly broken I was. Will you tell them? How I left you. How I left them? Maybe one day you'll grow to forgive me. When you meet your husband will he know about me? When you have a child of your own will they hear about me? Will you remember me?
If that's the case, forget me. Forget it all. You were an only child before the baby. Lie to yourself. Rebuild your childhood. Some might say I broke it but I'd much rather break your childhood than your life. I knew you would grow up, still loving me. Giving your all when I went to rehab, giving yourself when I was out on the street begging. That's how I would've turned out. It was better for everyone. I don't miss you. I don't.
Take after me but don't be me. Learn to numb yourself when you're hurt, learn to hide when you're scared, learn to delude yourself when you're at your limit. Because sanity is hard to keep. Erase what's left of me. You can destroy my room in rage if you want. You can even burn my clothes. Just get rid of me. Take care of your new sibling. If it's a boy, nurture him. Teach him to keep his temper so he doesn't grow up to be another abusive husband.
And if it's a girl, nurture her. Teach her to weld a sword so she doesn't grow up to be another abused wife. I never taught you that because I thought I'd always be there to protect you. But I'm not. Be the big sister I couldn't be. I don't miss you. I don't.