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My lungs feel cool and cleared. White. Everything's white. Chastised and penalized I have been deprived of peace. Temporary or not, a sleep before hell or heaven, a wish that's been revoked. Even then I still find that hush like harmony in the first few seconds before waking up. The blank screen of pure white, forgetting where you are. Who you are. Right before gaining your full consciousness
Dead or not I've never been free. And I don't think I'll ever be. But those precious seconds, those precious moments, those are what kept and keep me sane. If only that was my reality. In a state of confusion of my identity. My sense of self. Knowing, I don't need to know what I am. Or why I am. A floating sensation I will always long for.
A ray of light glided over my eyelids. As I blink away the burn I cover my face with my forearms. Just as I lifted it off the ground I felt a soft prickle. A fuzzy feeling. Not really there but almost. Patches of grass grazed against my skin. And the dirt beneath felt rough but soothing. I sat up and plunged my fist into the ground. It didn't leave a track. It never does and never will since I am dead but I could feel the dirt slam into my fist.
It didn't hurt not at all but I could feel it. How weird. I'm getting my touch back. Like May. And Lyra, and Camie. And charlie. A wave of nausea washes over me. I knew exactly what this meant. It means I'm accepting the fact I am truly not of this world. As many times as I've repeated it I never could bring myself to be baptized by an ocean that I've been so obviously sinking in. But now, I can feel the water around me. Not so clear but, getting stronger.
It scares me. Once I got to the house I knocked on the door, perplexed by the feeling of fear. May opened it, along with a big hug I just stared at the floor. What was it like to hate again? What was it like to be scared? I don't want it. I don't. I don't want happiness if it means its shadow would always follow me. Why? Why now? I didn't want to live but now I don't want to be dead. I just wish I was never alive.
I Wish I never had a heart or soul. I ponder looking down at my hands, I've never sat at the table. It's hard but it doesn't hurt? Will it hurt eventually? This is supposed to be a kitchen table and I am technically in a kitchen but we don't eat so we never use it. May's on the floor sorting some collection cards in a book with plastic c0vers. Lyra and Camie seem to have made up and the others aren't in the house.
Probably couldn't bare the feel that circulates throughout the house. It reeks of hurt. It's quiet. The sound of plastic-y paper. Slapping the floor almost seems to echo.
"Elias, He came by yesterday."
My heart drops at the very sentence. I froze. When I looked up at May she had already put half of her cards away.
"He wanted to check up on you." she smiled, almost a sad smile.
I thought he forgot about me. Said he'd come back just to shut me up so, why did he come back? Questions just seemed to drown my head today and this was just adding pints to my loads.
"He had to go back on duty though. You know how busy angels can be. I told him to come back tomorrow but he said his next opening would be next month so he'll be back on the 20th."
I look down. My breath escaped my body so loudly almost like I was yelling the fact I was relieved. I jumped.
"What day is it?" My foot tapping louder than my voice.
She hesitates, "It's the 17th of November. I don't think I've ever seen you so passionate?"
I held my knee down. I guess I haven't been this passionate in such a while. I didn't even realize it was november. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. The one day I fucking broke is when he decided to show up. I don't care if he's busy or fucking tired. I pushed my chair back. Hiding my rage.
Hiding my emotions has never been easy for me so I hid my face as I storm up to my room and gently twisting the knob to close the door. May didn't say a thing seeing me leave but I couldn't care less. I plop on my bed, weary and just exhausted. I can't help but feel, maybe, sad, that I missed him. It's pathetic.
Elias is an angel. Born to serve God, not like me, not a human spirit. He was created to fight, to serve. He was on guard that day he found me, he introduced himself as a high rank as if I knew what a high rank meant. He reminded me of a black stallion with his jet black hair and piercing voice. More like a blunt stab than a Peirce.
He said it wasn't safe outside. 'Vulnerable to the darkness'. That's why he led me to May. Somewhere 'safe' somewhere 'calm'. When he walked me through town I thought that was that. All there was to meeting an angel. All to his curiosity. But he insisted on more. As in who I was. How I got here.
I was caustic, quiet. My mind doing flips under silent static. But I offered my name. I didn't expect him to care, he's not human or ever was so what empathy would he carry for a pointless conversation? But expectations aren't always met I suppose. He ransacked me for my life story. Nothing like a desperate puppy with pure eyes of innocence but corneas that seemed to scream at me.
Tired beaten up eyelids that just couldn't keep up with his smile and quirky eyebrow raise. It compelled me to give in. We walked along the road rails that passed May's street. At the time I was unknowing of that. He led me to the beach. I spilled out what was left of me. The drinking, my parents, my sister, and that night. Before I died.
I ranted about how they finally came home. How happy Ai was. How she was so eccentric. Mom and Dad were finally there. We were all together, perfect at last. But I didn't hug them 'hi'. Didn't even flash them a smile. But they didn't notice. Of course not when they were too wrapped up in their own shitty world where responsibilities didn't exist.
They were all over each other, madly in love, caught in each other's eyes letting Ai ramble about how fun and horrible her day was in school like a fool. As if they were paying attention. I didn't allow myself to get even a little comfortable. I knew something was off. Mom comes home maybe once a week but only bothers to show when me and Ai are at school.
In fact I hadn't seen her face in months at that time, just her nurse outfits and duffle bags from the days she came. Along with a load of party dresses and makeup that weighed the laundry room with the smell of alcohol. Dad also hadn't been home in a while. Business trips get long, and time consuming. But I bet the dating app notifications on his phone wasn't making it any shorter
They've never been lovey dovey or at each other's throat so I kept my skeptic shield at attention. Mom cut Ai off when she started talking about her grades. About all the A's she worked hard for. Mom giggles while Dad hushes her with a finger over his puckered lips, as angsty as a schoolgirl. When finally Mom spewed out the word I could've never prepared for. She was pregnant.
Dad jumped like it was some fun birthday surprise and mom started celebrating without getting a simple look at us to see how'd we react. When I looked at Ai she was shocked. Frozen in place. I remember those words. Like it was yesterday.
I was barely five. Mom squealed in excitement telling me the news. All I could think about was how lucky I was. To have a sibling. It felt like a dream. Her words haunt me, 'You're gonna be a big sister now! You have to take good care of your new brother or sister, okay!" So the minute she pulled Ai in for a hug and dared to let those foul words escape her selfish lips I broke.
I wanted to take care of a new sibling like how I used to care for my dolls. But I didn't realize then that she meant I actually had to 'care' for her. Not as a sibling, or friend, but as the mother role she got bored of. The diapers 'I' had to change. The food 'I' had to make. The sleepless sick nights 'I' had to tend for. And though I would do that all over again just for my precious sister I couldn't let her do the same thing to her or the same thing to me, again.
I ran my mouth at her. I let it all slide off my tongue and into her lap like ice. Narcissists that couldn't bare their reality is what they are. I got slapped. Nothing I couldn't take but fuel to my fire. I pushed her to her side. Hard. She fell on her hip, though I was aiming for her stomach.. Insanity relished within and a feeling I sensed and identified but couldn't care to control.
Until Ai screamed, at me. I let go of my Dad's hair. Wondering how I even got a hold of it and how I had blood on my fists. Fingernail scratches dug into my arms. The last thing I remembered was my mom on the floor but she was gone. Sobbing behind Ai. Using her as some type of sacrifice. Because she was obviously more important than her youngest.
Ai called me a maniac. And selfish. 'I just couldn't be happy because I was taking out my own anger on them'. Mom nodded her head as if she knew what Ai was talking about. I couldn't help but laugh, I scratched at my neck hoping I'd wake up from a nightmare because there just couldn't be anyway she'd defend the people who've abandoned us, and argue with the person who had no obligation for giving a flying fuck for her.
It was kind of funny. I could swear tears were falling from my eyes but it could've been the sweat from fighting. The last thing I said to her was 'Okay then. The next time you need someone to talk to, someone to listen to you, someone to tend to you, ask your perfect parents because I'm obviously to selfish to do such a fucking thing'.
I ran to my room and slammed the door. Waited for everyone to go to sleep. Then that was it. As far as Elias knows. And as much as I'd ever let him know. He never dozed off, or broke his look of interest and I never cried. As we came to the end of the endless seeming shore he hugged me.
I could feel it. Despite it at the time, impossible for me to feel, but I did. And I didn't push it away. I danced around my death but once he realized I truly didn't want to talk about it he stopped. And we kept talking all the way back down the shore and onto May's street. And that's when I realized we had originally passed it before.
As we walked on the road I gave him a look of confusion but he smiled at me. A reassuring look, one that read my mind confirmed what I thought. He kept walking because he wanted to talk. I didn't mind it. Not a bit. To be honest I wanted to talk to.