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I swish past the staircase and walk out the door. It's 4 in the afternoon. I haven't been outside in a few days, it feels like I've forgotten how moving air feels like. How the world feels like. It's breezy, monotone clouds that suffocate the sky seem to help me breathe. The smell of rain punctures my senses, waves of emptiness balance back. As if the nutcracker on a scale. I stare off into the power lines that connect far off to a post, and another power line into another post, and another, and another all fading within the distance.
May's house is at the very edge of the town. The abandoned part of it in fact. If you followed the power lines to the right you'd find the actual slumy-like town. You'd find mini marts and stores, and bus stops, and restaurants all covered in graffiti and surrounded by broken sidewalks. When Elias walked me to May's he hugged me and said, "I'll visit soon, okay? So stay put." right before he left, but It's been a little over 2 months since he's said that. All I could think about is if maybe he forgot about me, maybe he just said that to make sure I didn't get lost again.
I know he doesn't live there but as he disappeared into the night he walked along the powerlines back into the town where he found me. To be honest the thought's been tempting me to go back there and maybe try to find him. It's a one in a million chance but just maybe. I carefully make my way down the stairs when I feel a tug on my shirt.
"Where are you going?" a small voice whispers. Timid and tiny the hand grasps.
When I looked back Eve stood there, looking up with her long silky hair that passed her lower back swaying in gust. It's a perfect coffee color that shined, it felt as though a foreign ray of light shoved through my gray world. Oh, How I want rid of it and to possess it all at once.
"The cliff." I answer, my voice as plain as the clouds. I felt my stare pierce her's and my eyes drag the more I focus on her soft caramel-like skin.
She's a fragile girl, one of the youngest. I think maybe 10. She spends most of her time in a room reading like May. But prefers not to speak to anyone, like me. Though unlike me she doesn't talk because she's scared. She doesn't cling, or whine, or implies a need of comfort, just reads. Nothing more.
"May might worry, if you're out late." She mutters, looking down, obviously too scared to continue my stare.
I look up gazing back at the powerlines making it easier for her to speak, "I guess."
I really couldn't care less, not like I'll die or something. On that thought I kept walking down the steps onto the sidewalk and down the cracked up road.
"Wait, can I ask a favor?" She blurts out. I pause, stuffing my hand in my baggy sweatpants pockets. Her voice trembles, clearing her throat.
"Can I come with you? I won't bother you, I'll just be reading."
This was the most she's ever spoken at once, well at least what I've seen. She's never talked to me but I occasionally catch her staring at me. She reminds me of someone else I knew. Someone I don't wanna think about. I do want to be alone but I'd feel bad since she said all of that just for me to say no. I gather all the energy that hasn't yet been drained and rub the bridge of my nose.
"Fine." I sigh.
Her face lights up as she yells, 'okay, okay hold up!' running in the house and back out with a book in hand and shoes on.
She hops down the stairs and sidewalk muffling the concrete with every step from her soft sneakers. We walk on the road for a few minutes until we reach the end at a rusted stop sign. Which leads into a main road with its faded yellow road lines. Crossing it Eve grabs hold onto my flowy t-shirt again. On the other side we continue on a sidewalk lined with a medal rail.
I take a glance at Eve who is at my side, she's pretty short for a 10 year old. Her hair, still weaving with the wind, I admire it. I had hair like that, I didn't like it though. I got really mad one day. I took scissors to my hair and cut it off. I left it on my shoulders, I just needed to change, something, anything.
Cars swish and pass by, engines that rumble and roar. I used to be so scared of that sound back then my heart would pound and my hands would shake for no reason just the fact it was loud or the irrational fear a car would serve onto me. But I guess now I have nothing to fear. Nothing to worry about, and nothing to care about. And the same for the world, I am no one for the world to fear about, to worry about, or to care about.
I should feel remorse, a sense of guilt but I don't. I don't think I ever will. A concept that kills and in this case a concept that goes beyond one can ever imagine. A loneliness that should've been gone. A loneliness I can't escape from, almost taunting me, laughing, shrieking manically with organs that spill out and flesh open for only me to see. Blood that soaks me in despair it says, "you can't escape, no matter what you do you can never run from me."
Truly a burden. After a while we come across the beach. Stained glass with an obiance that spreads far and wide. Clouds getting darker in the distance, a fresh scent that rises and pulls like the sea that seems so mellow. And right next to us a tall rocky hill.
"Follow me, try not to fall." I instruct.
Confused, she follows behind as I climb over the railing. Getting on our hands and knees we climb up the steep, rock mountain-like cliff. Left foot, right foot, left hand, right hand. Sharp rocks and dry sand scrapes against my limbs but I don't flinch, it doesn't hurt. Not one bit, and I know it never will no matter how hard I want it too. And I'm okay with that, I'm okay.
Reaching my hand over a somewhat flatter surface I climb to my knees and up on my feet, helping Eve as she pants. I can see how tired out she is but she doesn't complain, not even whimpers. As her eyes revert from her knees that she carefully dusts off, they sparkle at the sight of tall pine trees. The breeze is much more stronger than it is down there. It seems to almost pull Eve away, but I grab her wrist and walk into the forestry light.
"It's really loud, does that mean we're close to the ocean?" she curiously asks, still admiring the trees around her.
I nod with an "mhm" since my energy's drained and I now regret bringing her along but what can I do? By now the sky pokes up from the cloud and shines through. As we get closer a peachy, flamingo pink and orangey yellow spreads along the horizon. We finally reach the big pine tree at the very edge, leveled up and isolated from the rest. Like stairs we step up, my hand still holding hers I let go. The minute she takes her last step she looks around in awe.
"Woah, it's beautiful. I can see the ocean crashing, and the sky setting!"
I listen to her rant as I take a seat next to the tree. I sigh with a breath that could blow away cities. I'm exhausted.
"You can sit, you know." I remind her.
She snaps back and shakes head a little.
"Oh yeah huh." Exclaiming, and opening up her book and crossing her legs on the floor.
I close my eyes and drift off to the same sonata as always that sways me in and out of consciousness. The appearing calm sea shows it's true nature to the rocks.
"Hey, why don't you ever wear shoes?"
I nod up to my original sitting position at the intrusion of her voice. I pause.
"What's the point, why would I need them?" Answering, I stare off into the rocks below. There is no point into wearing them. My footprint is just another trace of lifeless air. Why would I bother?
"Oh I see…" It gets quiet.
"Why do you wear shoes?" I continue the conversation, awkwardly.
"I'm not sure, I guess it gives me the sense that I still have a purpose. A reason to care about myself since no one else ever will again." Her words are unexpected, but I see where she's coming from. Though I don't delude myself like her, if I still had a heart to care, an emotion to feel I'd do the same.
I'd lie to myself, pretend everything was the same, but I can't. And I'm still unsure if it's the fact I just don't care. Or the fact I just don't want to care.