My life was anything a girl my age would like, I go to a private school, I have friends, and my adoptive parents are nice. But that is exactly why it went down hill, it was too perfect to be true.
One thing I'd give up world peace for is sleeping, because sleeping eventually leads to dreaming, and that is my escape from reality. Having a bad day? You can dream about having a good one! Feeling down? Dreama bout someone comforting you!
I really like cute stuff, cat, ribbons, you name it. One of the cute stuff that I like are magical girls, especially those who can manipulate time, there's always so much stuff to do, but only a bit of time to do them. I also like to dress up cutely, some people would call me childish or annoying, but that's a part of me. I also grew very fond of the Lolita fashion, I love those fancy big dresses, it makes me feel somewhat more connected to my culture.
After being adopted by American parents, it was really hard for me to feel connected to my Japanese heritage. For some reason, I always felt like my soul was torn apart. I try to stay positive to make everyone around me happy I sometimes forget about my own. I'm not smart or pretty, but being kind is the only way for people to acknowledge me.
Walking to school was a chore, until I met Hermia, my favorite person in such a cruel world. I'd ask her about her dreams, but she'd reply the same way,
"I take sleeping pills, therefor, I am not capable of dreaming."
I know it's hopeless to ask her, but I still do it anyway.
"What about you?" She'd ask.
"We escaped school, went to the moon, had some tea with Hatsune Miku, and then got married and adopted a cat named Amy." I'd reply.
She'll giggle a little. It's an achievement, since Hermia is viewed as someone who is cold, mean, and everything in the book, but that's just how her resting face is, she doesn't bite! I view Hermia as an extremely gentle soul, life made her that way, and no one understood that.
My mom was a confident woman. She'd handle anything with style, it's just like life doesn't affect her in any negative way.
"How's your day, Koyuki?" She'd ask while cooking.
"I'm alright, you?"
"The usual."
By "the usual", she means that she got compliments at work, and genuinely had a great day. I wish I got say the same.
Since I was a kid, I was a great target for bullying, I was different. People would pull on my pig tails, spill water on my text books, take my tuff, and it may even end up to me getting beaten by them. When I turned 10, I tried not to stand out too much, it wasn't hard. I'm not as gorgeous, and I don't have that kind of brain, but they aren't as forgiving as me. After I put on that face to please everyone, the bullying stopped, and I felt like I lost a part of myself When I turned 13, I started dressing a bit differently, and people didn't mind this time. They think I'm one of them.
People often find it hard to pronounce my name, "Koyuki Sazanaki", perhaps because they thought I wrote some random letters, decided it was my last name, and called it a day.
"I don't know how to pronounce Koko, I'll call you Cookie!"
One of my classmates said, and it stuck with me.
"Saza- what? I'll just call you Zaza."
And that's how I became Cookie Zaza.
Last year, Hermia and I got matching earrings. They were small, gold, and round. It was a cute idea with a cute friend, but I started to notice my frustration when she takes it off.
"Is our friendship over?" I'd ask myself.
I knew I wasn't normal, something about me doesn't sit right with me. There's something deeply wrong with me, but I don't know what that thing is. Why do we exist in such a cruel world? When you give out kindness, it repays you with trouble.
I do genuinely believe that I'm a failure. I can't do math properly, I'm not athletic, and I can't even do basic stuff without doing at least two mistakes. My parents are just wasting their potential, they won't get anything out of me.
Even if I was good at nothing, I'd still go around helping people.
"Why are you crying Stacey?" I ask.
"I can't solve my math homework."
"Math? I can't solve math either, let me call Hermia! She's really smart!"
I admit, I might've took Hermia for granted a couple of times, but it was for fun and games. She doesn't mind.
Drawing was one of the stuff I'm good at. I'd draw magical girls in a kawaii art style, then I'd be pleased with myself. I remember that I watched a show called 'Madoka Magica', it was about magical girls, and it took a reall dark turn. My favorites were Akemi Homura and Miki Sayaka. Homura can manipulate time, and she reminds me of Hermia, Sayaka reminded me of myself.
When me and Hermia are n class, she'd be taking notes so we can study, but all I hear was "Blah Blah Blah", all humbug. I'd look outside from the window and daydream about magical girls, and even becoming one myself.
I was once hanging out with Hermia at my house, and my mom said that Hermia looks like female Raskolnikov from Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment, and that I'm just like Nakajima Atsushi, but a girl. Hermia was in awe, and I was glad. I never took that phrase out of my head, especially when it made Hermia happy.
Remember when I said I like dressing cutely? And that I LOVE dressing in the Lolita fashion? Well, I'm also extremely fond of the gyaru fashion, but it'd be too different for people to accept. I aspire to be a version of myself that doesn't care about others' opinions, but I, myself, can't see that happening. (I am saying this as a person who spent half of their life pleasing others.)
Actually, I really like writing my dreams down, so I'm never really bored in my free time. Thinking about it, I got a habit of writing everything down. I got something that people would call a 'vent book', but it's a part of me, I'd feel extremely violated if someone opened it, and it'll feel like I'm naked in front of everyone. I write all of my unfiltered thoughts there. I feel alive.
I remember when I used to have middle-length hair, but I decided to cut it off, it reminded me of the bullying. New me, new hair I guess. I remember how desperate I was to dye some of my hair pink, but my mom was insisting on rejecting my ideas.
"You'll look like a clown later."
"But it's worth it!"
"Koyuki, please don't argue with me on this."
And that'd be it.
My non biological sister, Viktoria, and I were never as close as other siblings. It'll always be a 'hi' or 'hello', but that was the end of it. I believe that she has some kind of hatred towards me, she's just harboring those feelings, and I believe that they will surface one. Viktoria and I never really had to fight for our parents' attention, they focus on the both of us, which is great.
My music taste revolves around listening to Ado, vocaloids, scene music, Gal is Mind!, and whatever sounds good to me. I sometime watch anime in my free time, I like those cutesy stuff, for example: WataMote, Azumanga Daioh, Lucky Star, and Magical Girl Raising Project. They are all so cute and underrated! Normally, me and Hermia would watch these shows together, but now, she is a little bit busy than usual.
Actually, I treasure Hermia a lot, She's the only person in this world who understands. I trust her with my life, and I hope she feels the same about me. She's literally perfect, she's gorgeous, and everyone wants to be her friend, and she picked me. ~