What does it mean to be a good person? I don't know. Even though I tried to be. A long time ago. But there comes a point when people get tired of trying and just give up. I don't remember when I got there. Although I tried, I tried so hard.
When I thought badly of someone, I always scolded and reminded myself that I wouldn't be happy if someone thought the same about me. If I thoughtlessly wished for something selfish, I remembered that what's good for me isn't necessarily good for others and took my wish back.
But let's face it, it is easier to be a 'bad' person. Because then you don't have to make an effort, because it's more natural for most people while being good is... It's a lot of work. Tiring, bitter, self-sacrificing work. Sometimes. I am sure some people find joy in it, but I don't want to sacrifice myself for others. I don't mind helping, but not if the price I have to pay is me.
I admit - if not to others, at least to myself - I am not a good person. I am nowhere near that. But Édoard Elliot has no right to judge me. No one has! A higher life form, God, if there is one, can judge, but no other. Because it is everywhere and can see everything. Which is pretty awkward because it sees the things we want to hide from everyone and knows our most embarrassing moments, but at least it doesn't tell anyone about it. I hope.
It is a weird picture to imagine it gossiping about everything with the angels. I couldn't hold back my grin. Now that would be an interesting scene.
But back to my original thought process, it alone is aware of every moment. The purpose of the court is to administer justice, but they do not always know everything. Because there are things people want to keep to themselves. In all circumstances. But you can't keep secrets from a higher life form. It knows your heart, soul, and desires, and above all, it knows you and everyone else. It is the only being who knows enough to make a just and unbiased judgment.
But I understand the importance of earthly justice. We can't let murderers and other evildoers just run around the streets and do... Well, whatever they want. But this is only a temporary punishment. And those who hide or cover up their actions will be adequately punished in the afterlife. Damn! I sound like some kind of religious fanatic. I am not one of them, there are just things I believe in. Some are quite contradictory to each other, maybe this led to my contradictory personality. But whatever, that's who I am.
I learned different things from different things and when I thought I knew everything, I realized I had no idea about anything. Isn't it funny? No, not for me. It's just sad and tiring. But funny? No way.
One thing taught me misanthropy and the other taught me that no one has the right to take someone's life. What a contrast!
I know, I knew I had no right to kill Seth, and maybe no extenuating circumstances, and probably there are no people who would say you did well, but... I would do it again. And again. Even if it will make me lost forever. Unsalvageable.
I leaned my head on the steering wheel. Strongly. Oh, don't be so dramatic! Who are you? Shakespeare? Here we go! I am making fun of myself again. I grabbed the car keys and got out of the car.
I wasn't the only reason I let him die. I was constantly worried before it happened. The way he started looking at Ailish gave me goosebumps. Those eyes... I shuddered. I was so disgusted that I wanted to slap him and hide my little sister from him. I didn't want her to experience the same things I did. I wanted to keep her as a happy child whose smile never faltered. I would have preferred to enclose her in something, as the ball hamsters have, but I know that would only harm her.
But is it possible to savour every drop of life without becoming bitter or disillusioned with the world, the beautiful and real things? Are you imagining yourself as Shakespeare or some philosopher again? I took a deep breath.
I didn't succeed in the end. But Ailish is different. Perhaps if I stand by her side, and help her when she needs it... Then maybe she can keep that smile that suggests she believes in the goodness of people.
I went back to my room, to my cello. I improvised something while thinking about my sister. It turned out to be a very interesting piece of work. It was unlike anything I had created before. It was much softer and sweeter. If I had to give it a title it would be: I just want you to be happy. And really. I don't really want anything else. Or rather I know, I can never achieve what I want. But I'm fine with that.
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Music flowed from one of the rooms. I followed the sound. It was so mellifluous, and inviting, as I had never heard before. I need to know who is playing it.
I came across a corridor with an endless amount of doors. The music got quieter and it made me feel desperate. I have to find it! I started opening doors at random but found nothing. The last melody faded away and the eerie silence began to stretch. Or no. There was no silence. I heard a weird sound. Scraping? Like fingernails hitting wood? It's like it's coming from behind that door.
I felt like I shouldn't have, but couldn't stop my legs and arms. I took a few steps and hesitated a bit, but in the end, I pressed the doorknob. Then I immediately wished I hadn't. Seth was standing just a few feet in front of me. There was an empty grave behind him, like the bottomless mouth of a monster. Seth was filthy, his clothes torn and frayed. His nails were broken and bleeding. Did he dig himself out?
Did he come back to make me miserable again? I felt an irrational panic. This is impossible! I knew, and yet there he was standing before me. He grinned. His teeth had already begun to rot and gave off an ungodly, nauseating, unbearable stench. I clamped my hand over my mouth to stop myself from throwing up. His hair was stiff with blood and dirt and his eyes...He had no eyes. Empty eye sockets stared back at me.
Run. I have to run. But my legs didn't move.
„Do you see what you did to me?" He asked. His voice was similar to someone running their fingernails across a blackboard. „Don't turn your head!" He snapped at me. I pressed my hand from my mouth to my ear. I didn't want to hear anything. Neither his voice nor his accusations. „This is what I am." He laughed without any mirth and I trembled. „Because of you."
He took a shaky step towards me and I took one back. The strength returned to my body and I started running. But as I reached the door, I saw that the corridor was gone and there was only one wall. I wished I could melt into it or punch through it with my hand. I hit it, but all I did was hurt my hand and bruise my knuckles.
With difficulty and slowly but surely, Seth crept closer. Fear like a fiery knife burned my throat and I wanted to scream, but it was as if my vocal cords were torn. Blood started bubbling from my mouth and ran down both sides of my face. His mouth curled into a disgusting smile.
„Do you see?" Sadly, I saw it. „I am coming for you, bitch. For your soul and your body. Your soul will suffer with mine in hell forever for our sins." His grin grew wider, revealing more rotten teeth. „And don't think my crime was greater than yours, or that what you did was right. You had no right to kill me!" His voice took on an accusatory tone, and I got angry.
„How dare you?" I shrieked at him, surprising even myself. I never raised my voice. It would hurt my ears, and the louder you are the easier it is for people to notice you. And I never wanted that. „You had no right to hurt me either!" A single tear rolled down my face. Just one, single, lonely, abandoned teardrop. It was just like me.
„I was hurt too." He looked defensive, almost lost and pleading. As if he was asking for my understanding. But I knew, I will never be able to do it. „For me too! It was so fucking painful!" It came out as a broken whisper. „It was like a tiny rat was slowly eating me from the inside. It moved from cell to cell, from organ to organ, until all that was left was a bloody, chewed-up, spit-out something that could no longer be called human. That was the form I took. They hurt me so many times. And I only felt better when I could hurt others."
„But why me?" My voice trailed off. It was unusual too, as was the whole situation. „You were my brother. Why me? Why did you hurt me so much?" I suddenly felt like a little girl again, who doesn't understand anything and hopes for an acceptable explanation. But such a thing cannot be accepted under any circumstances.
„Because people like me hurt the people who could help them first." But why? I wanted to but I didn't ask. „They hurt the ones they love. That way they won't love them anymore and they can get even worse without the guilt driving them insane."
„You never loved me. No way." I was whispering, but I was sure of it.
„But of course I did. Perhaps even too much." That crooked smile reappeared. „That's why I am taking you with me. Your body will be eaten by worms and rot, but your soul will always be with mine. And I can torture you forevermore down there. By killing me you reserved two places in hell, my dear sister. That place is waiting for you and going to wait for you until you die. But I think I can speed things up."
„Don't come any closer!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, terrified like I hadn't felt in a long time. But he just laughed at me.
„This will get you nowhere. And you don't have a knife this time." He came closer but he was wrong about one thing. I had a knife. The same one I killed him with and it was bloody with his blood. But he had no eyes so he couldn't see it.
I waited until he was in front of me, then I lunged at him and plunged the knife into him. He screamed, in a sharp, ear-splitting voice. I pulled it out and stabbed it again. Then again and again. I was out of my mind with the fear and anger. Something splattered out of him, but it wasn't blood, because it was darker. Pieces of meat also flew in the air and covered me completely, along with the almost blood.
I stopped and looked down at him in horror. He could hardly be deader than that. I killed him, the second time. An amazing achievement.
I lost my grip on the knife and it landed on the ground with a loud thud. Seth disappeared and I was left alone. But I didn't mind at all. Then a sharp sound cut through the silence.
Gasping for air, I came back to reality. I just laid down for a moment and there you go. This is what it became. I sat up because the ringing didn't stop. My phone! I jumped up and ran to get it. It was Shannon. She said she was in the hospital, but her father was still in the same condition. Despite my promise, she told me I didn't have to go there, but that didn't changed my mind.
„I'm leaving now." I stated and hung up before she could say anything. I was glad for the call and that I had something to do because I didn't want to think about this terrible dream.
I went back to my room, put my cello away and dressed well, because the weather wasn't the best this time either. I took the keys and got into my van.
To the hospital.