I yawned hugely as stared into my mug. I got home pretty late, so no wonder I felt so tired. A walking zombie.
After Rhys stopped the car yesterday, I just said goodbye and left him. He didn't say anything, he just watched me go to my house. His gaze made me unsettled and embarrassed me.
I quietly sneaked into the house because I didn't want to wake anyone, changed my clothes, and fell into my bed. And I slept until morning without waking up.
I told my mother everything that happened to me while nursing my coffee. Well, not everything. I didn't tell her I completely lost my head, I thought Seth was my attacker and I wanted to kill him. It was better to keep this to myself. I didn't want to end up in a mental institution.
„This is what happens when someone comes home too late." My little sister made a witty comment, she was quite grumpy. Her eyes were sad and she seemed a little lonely. I am so stupid! I almost hit myself in the forehead. Recently I haven't had time for her and have been neglecting her. Right now, when she most needed reassurance that everything would be okay and we wouldn't leave her.
„Shall we do something together this weekend?" I brought it up. „It's been a while since we spent some time together." Her eyes lit up and she finally smiled. I deserve a big slap for just realizing this now. No matter how many problems I have, I always have to make sure I have plenty of time for her. „Mother should join us as well." I looked at her and she nodded with a smile.
„Great idea!" Ailish said and I could hear the gears start turning in her head. „I don't know what we should do. It depends on the weather. If the weather is good maybe we should go out for a picnic. If not, then we could watch a movie. There is one I am interested in." I stood up and ruffled her hair. Instead of getting annoyed, she just smiled. I was surprised. Very much.
„Everything will be as you wish." I promised her and went back to my room. Despite all the crap that happened, I did have good memories. And I wanted to give her nice ones too. Maybe there is nothing else I can do for her. „I am going, have a nice day." I said and left the house.
This time, no one will take my parking spot. Nowadays I had no luck but yes! I got there early and I could take my usual place. I parked the van and met Shannon at the corner. It was the same as every day, but her behaviour was different.
„A morning coffee?" She never drinks coffee and I already did, but I nodded. We have plenty of time before the first class. We decided to go to my workplace because it was conveniently close. That was another reason I liked working there.
„Did you get home safely?" She asked after sitting down and ordering.
„Yes, I did." I answered tersely. She was unusually quiet and avoided my gaze. We were silent until we got our drinks, and then she finally started talking.
„I don't know what happened to you," he wouldn't even look at me for God's sake, instead she was stirring her cocoa. „But I want you to know, I am with you no matter what. If you want someone to listen, I am here and I will be here." This caught me off guard. Especially since it's only morning. I wasn't entirely awake.
Yes, I've always wanted someone to listen, but I am the one who is unable to find the words and say them out loud. The mask of stability I put on every morning was cracked but not broken. Not yet. I sighed.
Sometimes I really don't know where I begin and where this mask I wear in front of most people ends. I don't even know which is the real me and which one is just a facade. I've been pretending for so long that I've melted into the mask and it has melted into me. But then where am I? What am I? If I am not who I was and I am not who I pretended to be... Then who am I?
Maybe if I actually wanted to, I could recreate myself and could be better. Or just who I was always meant to be. I would like to believe it's possible, but I can't. But I still can give it a try. I have nothing to lose by trying and failing at it.
„I can't really talk about it." I confessed and she nodded in understanding. „I may never be able to do it. But I'm glad that I am important enough for you to want to know. For now, all I can say is that I have a strong aversion to men." To put it mildly. She looked at me as if she understood everything, but then she suddenly became horrified. Now what?
„Oh, sweet Jesus!" She shrieked and everyone turned to us.
„Be quieter." I warned her as I didn't like being the centre of attention.
„I am so stupid!" She scolded herself. „You hate men and I took you to a pub where half the people would definitely want to have a chance with you. Which you don't want. I am so sorry.
„I don't blame you. You had good intentions after all." I tried to calm her down.
„I've been thinking a lot about this. How could I help you, but I realized there is not much I can do for you. But maybe... What's its name?" She jumped up and sat down in front of one of the computers. That's right, we have internet too. She opened the browser and started typing something. I took a seat next to her and she clicked on a website. „That's it!" She said triumphantly. „I knew, I remembered well. Take a look at it!" I leaned closer at her request. Ankh cross. At least, that's what was written there. „This is an ankh." I can see that. But what should I do with it?
„And why do you need it?" I asked confused and she started laughing.
„Not for me." She opposed. „For you. I read a book a long time ago, don't ask the title because I don't remember, but anyway in it, the main character got a tattoo to remind her of her past."
„But I don't want to remember."
Although I didn't want to forget it either, it's a fact. If everything that happened disappeared from my mind, everything else would change too and I wouldn't be me anymore. I would become a stranger to myself. And what is worse, maybe I would be a naive girl again, easy to abuse and take advantage of. I'd rather be an embittered, cynical bitch, disillusioned with humanity, than an idealistic fool who sees the good in everyone. They are too easy to deceive and hurt. No offense, it's just my preference. I am fine this way.
„Not because of that." She objected again. „It is one of the most ancient, powerful symbols used as an amulet in ancient Egypt. It has many different meanings. First of all, it ensures a long, happy life for its wearer. If anyone deserves it, it's you. Oh, and it teaches you to live with your past."
„Do you seriously think an ancient Egyptian symbol can help me?" I couldn't believe it but she nodded. I don't even know why I am surprised. If it's Shannon, it perfectly makes sense. „What should I do? Should I buy an amulet too?"
„No. We'll get you a tattoo. I think it will be more effective if it's on your skin." Her eyes sparkled as if she wasn't talking about torturing me. I am not afraid of pain, at least not physically, but I am not a masochist. Until it hurts, we are alive. Sometimes there is nothing but that.
I shook my head to rid myself of such thoughts.
„Do you think this will help?" I was still quite sceptical.
„Whether it's true or not is not the point." She looked determinedly into my eyes. „Sometimes it's enough to just believe in it. Believe in it and it will help."
„Why are you so sure?" I looked at her carefully.
„My father told me something similar when I was a child. I didn't understand what happened to my mother and I missed her a lot. I don't remember much anymore but it must have been terrible for him. He lost his wife and had to figure out how to explain it to his child. They told me I cried so hard that I had a fever. So my father looked me in the eye and said to me: Your mother is happy and without any pain where she is. She is watching over you with a smile on her face but she will be sad if you won't smile for her. Your happiness is her happiness." She scratched her cheek in embarrassment. „There is a chance that time has made my memories more dramatic but anyway. I believed in it and it helped me. So I thought..."
If I believe that I can let go of the past, can live with it, then can I succeed? The memory of Seth is like prison bars for me. Do I have enough power to break free? To be free? Is it possible?
She looked at me hopefully. She really wanted to do something for me. I thought it was a crazy and dumb idea, but... For most of my life, I have been rational and careful, so I think I can afford some craziness.
„It is a stupid idea, right? You don't have to go along with it for my sake. I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do." She was bright, kind and pretty and for these reasons very popular. But on the other hand, her way of thinking was quite different, a bit unusual. When we first met, she was an outcast, everyone called her a weirdo. So of course, we became friends. She has since learned not to say out loud everything and she handles social situations much better, especially than I am, but her insecurities haven't gone away.
„When do you want to go?" I gave in and her face lit up.
„Now!" She answered without thinking, closed the browser, and stood up.
„What about our classes?" I asked with a frown.
„I don't think you've ever missed a class. Never. You can take a day off. It won't hurt you. Relax!" She shouted when she sensed that I wanted to argue. „It is not the greatest sin in the world." That's for sure. I've done worse.
„Okay." At this point, I decided to give up completely. You can do whatever you want today. I allow it.
„Put it on my tab!" She called out to Anne, the waitress, after taking my hand and heading for the door. She didn't stop or slow down. I also had to put on my coat on the way. She pulled me to the tattoo salon as if she was afraid that I would run away otherwise. Maybe she wasn't wrong.
„Johnny!" She barged in without hesitation, then called out that name. A huge man appeared with hydrogen-blond hair, many piercings and tattoos. He couldn't have been much older than us. And he was quite good-looking.
„Have you changed your mind, Shannon?" He asked with a wide grin. „And will I have the honour of doing your first one?"
„No. I will never have one. I already said it." Said my friend as I looked around in amazement. Some unfamiliar music was playing in the background and the walls were full of pictures of tattoos. They were all beautiful in their own unique way. I hope mine will turn out like theirs. „My girlfriend wants one." Well, 'want' is a strong word for it. The guy started observing me.
„I have some time before my next customer." He said and then led me to an empty desk. I felt like there wasn't enough oxygen. „Where do you want it?" He asked as he started poking at a device I had never seen before. Is there a place where it won't hurt? I don't think so.
„On my wrist." I groaned. „On the left." He pulled one of the chairs over and gestured for me to sit down.
„And what would you like?" He asked in a very soothing tone. I think he noticed my panic. Was it a normal thing to feel?
„An ankh." Shannon answered for me. Seemingly she had no problems with talking, unlike me. „Do you know it?" Johnny nodded.
„Of course. I can do it with my eyes closed." He was bragging but I didn't want him to do it that way. I hope he is fully awake. Then he disappeared behind a door and came back with a little package. He opened it in front of me while talking about some 'sterilization procedure'. He pulled on the gloves from the package and applied some antibacterial agent to my wrist.
„Shouldn't you draw on it first or something like that?" I asked uncertainly, and he winked at me.
„I am a professional. Simple things like the ankh are not a problem. Shannon already showed me a picture so I know what style you want." At least one of us knows what I want.
„After we are done, take off the bandage only after 2-3 hours." He started working but he didn't stop talking. The pain wasn't unbearable but I clenched my jaw. „When bathing, use lukewarm water and mild antibacterial soap on it." I wonder, when did I lose my mind? How did I get into this? I am an idiot. „Do not scratch or rub." I didn't plan to do it. The only thing I wanted was to run away. „Apply a thin layer of antibacterial ointment once or twice a day." Sure, I even have to go shopping because we definitely didn't have any at home. Anyway, will he ever shut up? I hope Shannon will remember because I can't really concentrate right now. „Do not pick the scab, wait until it falls off by itself." Great! But what if my hand will fall off with it? „If it gets swollen or red, ice it. And if you think you are infected, definitely consult a doctor." Considering that I agree with this I am sure I need a good one. „It's very important." If you say so.
I don't know how much time passed, but they had a nice conversation while I tried to endure the pain. After some time I just closed my eyes.
„It's done." This word was my salvation. He was grinning triumphantly like he saved the world or something. He taped something to my wrist. I looked down and it was indeed there. A tiny but perfect ankh. My mother will be surprised, that's for sure.
„How much is it?" I inquired as I fought the pain.
„Leave that to me." Shannon said to me. „I pay. This is your early Christmas present." She smiled at me. I found it an expensive gift but I let her do it. I've already decided I'm going to let her do what she wants today. And I didn't have the strength to resist.