I opened the door to my workplace and barely took a step when someone shouted out to me.
„Shaelynn!" It was Mick, the store manager. „You don't have a shift today. What are you doing here?" Mick was a round-faced, balding, nice, and jovial guy in his fifties. On the surface. What's underneath all this? I don't know and I was never interested. Sometimes it is better not to know everything. I liked him as much as I could. Or at least he didn't make me feel nauseous. He never did or said anything that would make me feel strange or bad.
„I need a strong coffee." I told him and sat down at an empty table. It's a good thing I am free today, otherwise, I don't know how I would work with this wrist.
„I will do it." He stopped Lisa, one of today's waitresses. „I know, how you like your coffee after a long day." Maybe he knows me better than I thought. It was indeed a long and hard day. And the next ones will be the same. I have to constantly be careful and take care of my wrist. And I can't forget to apply the ointment. I sighed. „Here you go." He placed a big mug in front of me, which had a pleasant aroma. Coffee. A little bit of heaven. Mick suddenly laughed and I looked at him curiously. „This reverent look on your face always makes me feel honoured. It's like a holy relic standing in front of you."
„I love coffee." Maybe this is the only craving I have ever had. Anyway, he is wrong. I don't care about holy relics at all. If I had to choose between a relic and a mug of coffee, I would choose the latter without a second thought.
Mick shuffled away slowly. His age already showing. I feel a little sorry for him, but I will be like this one day too. Jaded, slow, tired, and old. Although I still have a few nice years ahead of me. I have that feeling again. I don't like it. It's like I don't have enough time for everything I want to do in this life. I have the urge to switch to a faster gear, because maybe then I can achieve all the things I want. But if I do that I would be part of not more, but less. If I were to run at full speed toward my objectives, then I would pass by many things I could see and experience at a slower pace. The more we rush towards our goals, the more impatient we feel, and the more time we waste worrying that we will never reach our aim. If we just run forward without stopping, at some point, we will collapse. And we will only be more unhappy. But if we go slowly, thoughtfully, considering everything... No, that's not good either! We should live like... How? So that we do not regret anything? It's impossible.
Sometimes I even regretted what I ordered in a restaurant because I suddenly wanted to eat something else, but I didn't want to waste it. Then how? As we wish? If I did that, then I would be selfish. Because what is good for us, for me, is not necessarily good for someone else. And is happiness worth anything if the price is someone else's joy?
Hypocrite. Maybe. After all, I killed Seth. But it didn't make me happier. One less burden on my shoulders, and one more. From that point of view, nothing has changed. I am a little relieved, but I am not happy at all. What is happiness anyway? How can I catch it? I have no idea.
But then how should we live? In what way? Maybe we shouldn't think about it and just do it? Perhaps the happiest people are those who don't think much about it, they just live their lives. They seize the moment, push away the problems and they just exist. It's something that I can't do. Another sigh left my lips.
„Are you troubled?" I snapped my head in surprise at the sudden, but familiar voice. Rhys Karston in all his glory. When did he get here?
„I was just thinking." I muttered, not happy to see him. Contrary to me, he seemed pleased and curious.
„About what?" He leaned a little closer since he was sitting across from me. I didn't want to answer so I reached for my coffee. It was cold. Just how long have I been sitting here, staring at nothing? „No answer?" He inquired as if my silence wasn't a good enough reply.
„My thoughts are mine and no one else's. I will share them if I want to, but right now I don't want to." I murmured, and he nodded in understanding. As If he could understand me. I don't want him to understand me. Not at all. I don't want anything from him. I just want some tranquillity and peace. But that's not entirely true...„Why are you here?" This time I asked. He replied without taking his eyes off me.
„Because I have come to a decision." He said slowly as if to convey the importance of his words.
„Really?" I raised an eyebrow. „And about what?"
„You, about you." I didn't say anything. Because I couldn't. Because I didn't understand. The golden spots in his eyes glowed as if he was amused by my surprise. And maybe he was. „I decided I want to get to know you better." How pompous that sounded!
„Did you decide?" My voice sounded rather incredulous even to my own ears.
„That's right!" He said proudly, without hesitation. „I want to know you better." As if it only depends on him.
„You mean that you would like." I grumbled listlessly. „But I don't want to know you." He looked almost sad for a moment, but my eyes must have been playing tricks on me.
„Looks like you're not going to make it easy for me." Surprisingly, he grinned at me. „That's fine with me." But he wasn't honest this time. Not now. Maybe he expected it to be easy. „You just made me more determined." I shuddered. This is the exact opposite of what I wanted. „Even if you won't help, I'll still try. Anyway, I don't want anything bad." I looked at him doubtfully and he thought for a moment before shrugging. „I don't think what I want is wrong. Of course, you can think about it differently. But you don't have to worry. I won't force you to do anything, I'll just come here for a cup of coffee sometimes and try to chat with you. I just wanted to let you know."
„I am not worried." That was the truth. „I can protect myself."
„Which is good, but you shouldn't be too reckless." He leaned a little closer. „The fact is that men are inherently stronger than women. So if you ever find yourself in a bad situation, running is better than fighting. Fighting should be the last resort."
I suddenly got sick of it. From his closeness, his advice, and his know-it-all demeanour. It was too much. I was about to get up and leave him when the door opened and two laughing teenagers walked in. They were totally soaked. I wonder when it started to rain?
„Lovers are fools." I said while looking at them. The boy shook his head and drops of water fell on the girl. But she just laughed and poked him in the side. I was a little envious. They are such a stark contrast to my life. They seemed so free and easy-going.
„But they are amazing fools." His words brought me back to reality. Maybe. After all, something is fascinating about foolishness. Perhaps it's that people fall into its trap, again and again, not learning from previous cases.
I started rummaging through my wallet without reacting.
„Leave it!" He told me. „I will pay." Ignoring what he said, I put money on the table, enough for my drink.
„Thank you, but I like to pay for my own things." I pushed my chair back. This was the first time he actually seemed a little displeased. And I enjoyed it. „Now I...
„Do you want to go out?" He looked out the window. „It's raining heavily."
„What great observational skills you have." I smiled at him mockingly. „I have to go get Ailish." Although, I still had some time. „The weather doesn't care about our needs." I stood up and put the chair back in its place. „Goodbye!" I said without looking at him and luckily he didn't try to stop me.
I didn't have an umbrella, so I had to use my hood. The wind hit me hard and almost blew it away, but I was fast and quickly caught it. I lowered my head and nearly ran down the street. Damn it! I should have parked closer. But who would have thought that angels would start crying in the afternoon? Or is it the devil who beats his wife? That woman should have already divorced or killed her good-for-nothing husband.
I was passing by a back street when I heard a strange sound. Suddenly, I stopped, so the person behind me slammed into me, cursed a little, and went away. The sound was a weird mix of meowing and growling. I just had to take a look. I turned in and found a little cat in a paper box. When it saw me, it ruffled its fur and gave me a hostile glare. I went closer and crouched down in front of it. It was lonely, abandoned, and most of all angry because it had been thrown away as easily as a cigarette butt. And because the world and the people living in it didn't treat it any better. I could understand.
I reached for it and the cat scratched me. A drop of blood came out. The reaction was also understandable. After being hurt so many times, you won't give anyone a chance and attack first. I wiped my hands on my jacket to remove the blood. I looked at it deep in thought. I can't leave it here. It will catch a cold and die. But I can't take it home either. My mother hates cats and all animals in general. Or rather, she doesn't hate them, she just doesn't want to see them in her house. We couldn't even keep goldfish.
But it was so pitiful. Its anger and snarl only hid its inner fragility. I know well. I had a strange feeling. Fear mixed with worry. Maybe. But there was something else too, but I am not sure what. If no one helps it, if no one saves it, then maybe there is no hope for me either. But I don't even need such things! Of course, of course. Damn it! What kind of person mocking herself?
I grabbed the cat not caring about the growls and claws, and put it under my jacket to cover it from the rain. Naturally, it didn't calm down and released its claws. All.
„Listen here, little guy." I said sternly. „If you don't want to die miserable and alone, then settle down now."
Some only understand the harsher words. Some need such words instead of nice ones for a good result. This seemed to be true for cats as well. It stopped fidgeting as if it understood me but dug its claw into me one last time.
I hurried down the streets to get my car. I fished out my keys as fast as I could and opened the door. I took the cat out and dropped it on the back seat. It began meowing plaintively, but I ignored it, set the heating to the maximum, and set off.
Luckily, Ailish's school wasn't too far away. I was afraid I would be the last one to get there. But I was fortunate because she was talking to another girl when I arrived. They were standing in front of the school, chatting and sharing an umbrella. She didn't look familiar so she must be the new student my sister was talking about earlier.
I honked the car horn to draw attention to myself. I had no intention of getting out. She looked at me, said something to her friend, and headed for the car. She slid into the seat with lightning speed and looked at the cat in surprise.
„Where did you get it?" She asked with sparkling eyes.
„From the street." I told the truth and stepped on the gas. „Fasten your seat belt."
„Mom will be upset." She voiced her opinion and she wasn't wrong.
„You could help convince her." I brought it up and she grinned. Like a villainess.
„Why would I do that?" Good question. Why? I thought about it.
„I will help you with your math homework." I offered. She really hated this subject and I couldn't blame her for that. It wasn't my favorite either but I wasn't bad at it. She seemed to be considering it.
„Okay." She nodded and I smiled in satisfaction. Mother has no chance against us.