After dinner, Ailish went up to her room, Mother was washing the dishes and I was wiping them. It was so familiar, so ordinary that somehow it calmed me.
„I visited the detectives today." Yes, I know. But I didn't say it out loud. I didn't want her to know that I met one of them. „I think they suspect us too. Especially since we live so close to the crime scene." She didn't use the word 'murder'. She couldn't force herself to do it. „They said they identified the weapon and determined the time of death." Funny how the weapon that they used is actually in your hand now. I wonder what you would do if you knew? Would you throw it away? Would you hide it? Or would you take it to the police?
„And when did the murder take place?" It wasn't hard for me to say 'murder', but she flinched.
„On or shortly after the day he disappeared. I think you should go testify officially as soon as you can. It's good if they see we are willing to cooperate." Why didn't he tell me these things? He had the opportunity and the time. He could have even summoned me for questioning. „But his clothes and other belongings were not found." And they never will as they perished in the fire. „We need to save money. Once the investigation is closed and Seth's body is released, I want to arrange the funeral immediately. And it won't be cheap."
Would it be cold and inconsiderate of me if I reminded her that he had life insurance and a thick bank account because of his father? Who the hell is going to inherit? I don't understand these legal matters. But I don't think Seth wrote a will. If someone dies without it, then what happens? I should get a lawyer. I hope the closest relative will inherit everything because then we don't have to worry since it's my mother. Our financial problems would be solved and the funeral wouldn't be an issue either.
If Mother had asked Seth for money he would have given it to her. But pride is in our blood in this family. Mother thinks of herself as the head of the family, the breadwinner so it would be humiliating to ask her child for money.
Seth... I think he loved Mother in his own way and he was grateful. In the beginning, he said it was his first real home. Maybe that was true. But it could be he was just playing a role like me. There were so many things he said or did that weren't true or real. Why would it be any different?
But I promise, if we inherit his money, I will put flowers on his grave with my own money. Even if it will seem like hypocrisy. And indeed, it will be. I killed him and I must accept the condolences of others. I sighed. I can't wait. But Mother would be disappointed if I wasn't there and I don't want that. Although at the moment no one knows when the funeral will take place.
„Do you want me to help you with anything?" I asked, placing the last plate in its place.
„No, but thank you, dear." She smoothed over my face in a fleeting moment. „This is my duty. I will take care of everything. You don't have to worry about anything." I nodded and went into my room.
I practised for a while, learned a bit, then helped Ailish with her homework. After that, we were watching TV, but I left her to take a bath. In my room, I sat on the edge of the bed and took out my notebook. I ran my hand along the written lines but I didn't read them. I turned to a new, white page.
I didn't feel any relief after writing all of this, but maybe I just need more time. Time heals all wounds, right? Bullshit! Or maybe it is not entirely incorrect. The wound may heal, but it leaves scars that remind you of the pain and suffering. And some stupid people will rip it up again and again. I am one of them.
Every remembrance is like stabbing a knife in an already sensitive place and just watching the blood flowing out, without doing anything to stop it. But if you tear open the same wound over and over again, does the scar deepen or become resistant? Is there any point in remembering? Will it make me stronger? Or is this useless self-torture? I don't know the answer.
I aligned the tip of the pen to the first line. I remember we had many guests that day. I don't know why. But we didn't have enough room so I had to share the bed with Seth. I didn't really care, we were siblings after all, and it had happened before.
My next memory is the middle of the night, I was sleeping in bed, but suddenly I woke up. My heart was beating fast and I was frightened. And I was so, so helpless. I didn't understand what was happening. I was awake but didn't move even a muscle. I didn't want the other person to know I was awake.
I tried to assess the situation without changing my position. I was lying on my side, one hand in front of me, the other behind me, and there was something in it. I didn't know what it was, I think. But now that I know, I am not sure if I knew it or not.
Although we went to sleep together, I didn't even think that it could be Seth. I never thought that he would be able to hurt me. I suspected others, everyone else, but not him. But it was him. I realized then and there. I didn't understand what he was doing, or why he was doing it, but I didn't want him to find out I wasn't sleeping.
I became more and more terrified. What will happen? What should I do? What will happen if he finds out that I am awake? What will he do? I didn't want to know. I just closed my eyes, I wanted to fall asleep.
Looking back, it seems like I fell asleep very quickly like I lost consciousness, but I don't actually know how long it took. The next day I was alone when I got up and I was incredibly relieved. I survived. That was the last time that I let anyone lay next to me.
From that day on, if someone tried to lay next to me, I jumped up and made up excuses. It didn't matter who it was. I was unable to trust anyone and I couldn't stand being touched. I was keeping my distance from everyone as much as I could. I was afraid of what others would do if I let my guard down.
It got better over time. I can accept short hugs and little touches from Ailish and Mother. But not from anyone else. And maybe it will never change. Which is really disheartening, considering how much I crave touches sometimes. I want to hug someone sometimes, and feel the warmth of their body, but I just can't. To desire something impossible to achieve... Tragic.
I started avoiding Seth as much as possible and hated the holidays because I had to endure his presence even longer. Christmas was the worst because I had to be grateful for the gift when I wanted to throw it in his face. He probably noticed the change in my behavior but never said anything. I have no idea what he was thinking. Did he know that I knew what he had done? He acted as if nothing had happened and I did the same in front of Mother. But at any other time, I was just polite and distant, nothing more.
I never told him that I hate or despise him. I am not even sure that's the right name for this emotion. Is this hate? I don't know. I felt like my soul froze in his presence and my face was always expressionless. I barely moved like a rabbit cowering in fear of a predator or like a deer before a hunter's rifle. I perfected my motionlessness and expressionless. And I am very good at pretending to be asleep and not noticing what is in front of me. As they said: There is good in every bad thing. Hah! I am happy to give up the "good" things if I can get rid of the bad ones too. Not that it is possible.
I never said anything about Seth's harassment to anyone. Why? At first... I am not sure. My memory is far from perfect. But it's true, I didn't even know how to say such a thing. With what words? In the end, I never found them.
With time I grew and understood more and more things. I found out what they call what. But I still don't understand why he did it. Why? What was the point? I will never know. Unless we meet in hell and I will ask him. Oh, I have no illusions. If Heaven, Hell, God, and all the religious things exist then I will surely go to Hell. Even if God became more enlightened about some things as time has gone on, I don't think murder falls into the forgivable category. Murderers belong in Hell. It will be like this forever.
No matter how grown up I became, I couldn't find the words. But it could also be that the words were there and I just didn't know how to say them out loud. Or maybe I just couldn't bring myself to say them. It's like there is an obstacle in me that won't let me. I am incapable. And I always will be.
When I got old enough to realize I was not the only one with problems, it became even harder to say anything. I understood that nothing is free, we have to pay the bills and money doesn't grow on trees. I was about 14-15, or maybe less. My mother was the only one in our family who received a salary. If I had told her, we would have lost Seth and the income that came with it. Oh, yes! That bastard was actually rich.
Not even a year had passed since the adoption when the news came that his father had died. The most surprising thing was that the old man had a lot of money. Whether he had it when he met Mother or whether he acquired it afterwards, we never found out. But he was a careful guy because he actually made a will. And he left all his money to his son. But he couldn't have it while he was a minor. Mother received a relatively large sum of money each month for Seth's expenses. We needed that money. I wouldn't have been able to tell her even if I had found the words. I didn't want Ailish or Mother to suffer because of the lack of money. That was one of the reasons I got a job as soon as possible.
But that wasn't the only reason I kept quiet. Despite her cool, calm demeanour my mother is a very passionate person, who can get really angry and reckless. And she would do anything for her children. I couldn't take the risk. I had no idea what she would do if I told her. I feared the worst. I was afraid she would kill him in her rage. It's kind of funny. In a tragic way, of course. I was afraid she would become a murderer and go to jail and I ended up committing the crime. I did not plan on going to prison though. No way!
I don't have to be afraid anymore. Only from the police. I smiled mockingly. It's nothing. The smile was mocking me, no one else.
I closed my notebook, then I closed my eyes after putting it away and lying down on the bed. I stared up at the ceiling. I felt so tired. How long will it take to fall asleep?