We were sitting in a cafe studying for an upcoming exam. Shannon sighed tiredly over her papers and then looked up at me. She gave me a questioning look.
„What were these old women thinking?" She was confused.
„Be careful what you say." I warned her. „After a few decades, the next generation will also see us as "old women"." She grimaced in disgust.
„I will never be an old woman!" She declared indignantly.
„No?" I raised my eyebrow.
„Of course not! I..." She searched for the right words. „I will be an elegant madame!" She finally said triumphantly and I almost smiled.
"Really?" I feigned surprise. "Are you going to run a brothel?" She looked at me in amazement, then gave me a dirty look. She shook her head.
"Then madame is not the right word." She was lost in her thoughts. "Damn! There is no good word for it. Maybe I will be more mature, but I'll never grow old." She stated firmly. "I will never call anyone an old woman ever again." She swore. "I never thought about how offensive it could be. If any kid dares to call me that in the future, I'll take out my rifle."
"You don't have one." I reminded her, but she just shrugged.
"I will get one!" There was a devilish light in her eyes. " I am going to be a terrible senior citizen. But I am not going to be old. I will be a woman rich in memories and poor in wrinkles." She lifted her chin proudly.
" So you are going to spend your pension on plastic surgery. I see." I nodded knowingly. Instead of being offended she just grinned.
"It seems your evil self is ruling over you today. I like it." I was the one who shrugged this time. What's true is true.
"It's been locked up too long and started to get noisy." I said and she sighed.
"The angel on my shoulder was captured by the devil a long time ago. It put it in a box, nailed it, put a lock on it, and threw the key into the ocean. And then it shipped the box to Jaipur."
"Jaipur?" I asked doubtfully.
" That was the first thing that came to my mind." She turned the pages. "I solemnly swear, if I pass my exams I will take you to dance." She muttered under her breath.
"You know I hate crowded places." I turned the page too.
"Goddammit!" She slammed the glass on the table but luckily it was already empty. "How long do you want to live like this?" She was more curious than angry. "Since I have known you, you have never gone out to have fun or try to build a relationship with others. Don't you sometimes want to forget about everything and just live as you please?"
"Everyone has a different way of having fun and relaxing. You like to go out dancing and I prefer to read at home. Both are good ways."
"I also like to read sometimes but you have never tried my way. How do you know you won't like it?"
"From my personality?" I looked at her in disbelief.
" I am just asking you to give it a chance. If you feel uncomfortable or bad, we can leave in 5 minutes. I am serious.
„Let me think about it." Not that I never wanted to give it a chance. In the movies and books, the main characters seemed to have fun even if they weren't the outgoing type. Well, of course not all of them. But it makes you wonder about the possibilities. „Only if we score above 90%." I wanted to set a condition. I didn't want to make the final decision. I leave it up the fate, I guess. Of course, I will study as hard as I always do and do my best, but that does not guarantee success. Especially if your professor is in a bad mood. Curious things can happen then.
„Great! You are one of the best students, so it is actually up to me. I have never been more motivated than I am now." She seemed really fired up.
„I can't dance." I wanted to put out that fire as soon as possible.
„That's hardly a problem. Most people who go to such places can't do it either. No matter how bad you dance, there will be someone worse than you." It didn't make me feel any better.
„If I do something stupid or shameful, you will save me, right?" I needed some reassurance.
„Always." She promised me without looking up from her book. As if it was so natural that it didn't need any more attention than this.
I exhaled slowly. Okay, so be it. It depends on fate.
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The hours flew by quickly and the next thing I noticed was that I was sitting at the table. I barely realized that I was not alone I was so absorbed in my thoughts. A good thing and a bad are bound to happen. If we meet our conditions, we go to dance, and if we fail, then we don't have to go. I smiled bitterly. At least everything stays in balance. I couldn't hold back a sigh.
„Is something wrong?" My mother suddenly looked at me, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.
„Of course not!" I denied it right away. Everything is beauti-beautiful. „Only that Shannon was determined to take me dancing." To my surprise, she smiled.
„It's a good idea. You should go and have fun." I had my doubts. Good idea? Fun? I am not sure.
Making a fool of myself in front of a bunch of people is not my idea of a good time. And I am afraid someone will touch me. I am unsure if I can handle the situation well or not. I don't want to overreact to a little touch but sometimes I can be overly sensitive.
But I have already made up my mind, so I can't back out of it. And I don't want to be a coward. My past cannot define my present and my future. I decided a long time ago, I just tend to forget about it. I need some kind of reminder. My past cannot make me a coward. It can remind me, torment me, torture me but it can't take away my courage.
I relaxed my jaw after realizing I was clenching my teeth too hard. Seth won't influence me from the grave. I won't let him. Whatever happens, happens. After deciding, I got up from the table and headed for my room.
„Good night." I said to my mother who lazily waved her hand and I disappeared into my room.
My fingers itched for the cello. I took it out of its case and started playing. It was the best way to release my frustration, anger and resentment. Random images of how miserable Seth made me flashed through my mind and it made my play even rawer. I didn't even try to play anyone's work, I just played what came out of me.
I didn't stop until my muscles stiffened and my hands started to ache. I held the bow of the cello too tight. I lowered it and carefully put it back in place. I was relieved, but not completely.
I took out my notebook. I haven't written in it for a while now. Another journey to hell? I shrugged. Why not?
I turned the page and grabbed a pen. My wrist hurt but I didn't care. Which memory should I choose? I have plenty. Or would it be better if Seth wasn't the focus?
Seriously, sometimes I felt like there was something about me that attracted garbage people like him. My aunt's neighbor used to look at me in a way that made me want to puke. Once the old bastard caught me and grabbed my breast, and I had barely any at that time. I felt so horrified and humiliated. After that, I always paid attention when I visited my aunt. I was very relieved when she decided to move out.
And there was that time, when I went to visit my uncle in the hospital. An old man stopped me and asked what time it was. I answered but then he started talking to me. I don't remember much, except that I remind him of his granddaughter, or his daughter or I don't even know anymore. It gave me a bad feeling, but maybe I was too paranoid at that point. He didn't look very reassuring.
Well, yeah. Prejudice, your name is human. It's undeniable. I try to avoid it, but sometimes the effort is not enough. I form an opinion about someone without knowing anything about that person. But let's admit it, we feel better when in our judgment, someone is below us. It's a human thing.
Prejudice is a negative opinion, and devaluing someone makes us feel more valuable. Maybe it's baseless, maybe it's on point, but it doesn't matter. The important thing is not to judge anyone, even if we know everything about them, because who can say if we are better or not than them? We cannot judge ourselves impartially. Although self-criticism is important. I accept that. I smiled faintly. I have strayed quite a bit from the original topic. Bad habit. Where was I?
I read it back to remind myself. The weird old man. Not that I have the right to judge anyone. Malicious people would say I am a cold-hearted bitch. And maybe they wouldn't be wrong. Probably thousands of women have experienced worse than this and yet, I excuse myself with this. I know I am not the most unfortunate person in the world, but the knowledge that there are far more miserable people doesn't make me any happier. It doesn't fix my problems or cure me suddenly.
If anything, it saddens me that no one is helping them and they can't help themselves. Why don't others notice them? The help-seeking looks, or the silence that begs for a little understanding? There are a lot of people who are silently beseeching for help, because for some reason they can't talk. And we are always in such a hurry, we are so busy that we might not have even notice them. We need to make time to help each other.
Honestly! What is more important? Is it that you have something to do or to help others? But everyone has different priorities. After all, I am not helping either, and I am not even trying. But to be useful to anyone, I would have to do something with myself first. I am not sure I can save myself. What does it even mean to save anyone? How do you do that?
And anyway, I am not broken. I am working just fine, although sometimes I falter a bit, like old vinyl records. I don't need a fix. It would be too much work. It would be something I would never have the patience for. It is easier to get a new one than repair it. But some things don't work very well, yet we keep them because they have grown close to our hearts.
I looked at my old cello. Maybe I should have thrown it away or gifted it to someone, but I just couldn't do it. It's not the same. People and things do not fall under the same categories and rules.
I rubbed my eyes. It was a long day. I started listening to Hard Day's Night by the Beatles and closed my eyes as I lay down on the bed. The music slowly lulled me to sleep and I could forget all my worries.