My life was normal, stupid even. My name is Okoramo Kubihige, and I had spent my childhood selling "questionable" manga when my parents went out, and even got to the point where I would deliberately ask them to leave, just so I could make a quick buck. I grew up, quickly fell into a depression, and was hired by McDonald's, and for the next twenty years, I was cleaning up vomit of three year olds who couldn't finish their stupid chicken nuggets. One day, I was taking my normal route through Shibuya after buying some bread, until a truck came swerving towards me. I stared into its headlights like a drunk- oh wait, wrong line- like a deer in headlights, and sputtered, " T-Truck Chan?!" Then the truck slammed into my feeble body at exactly fifty-seven miles per hour on star year 765 at approximately 7:25 PM on a Tuesday night.
I awake in a lush field, the loaf still clutched in my grip. The field was jam-packed with large worms, one of which seemed to be moving towards me- HOLY SHIT IT IS. I let out a terrified shriek, and dive behind a tree, only to be greeted by a large dildo. A very unsettling dildo. I convulse rapidly and slam onto the ground. I scramble to regain my posture, and sprint in the opposite direction.
God fucking DAMN it's hot. The shining, afternoon sun beat down like a fucking...uh...hot thing. I'm on the verge of collapsing when I came upon a small village. It looks slightly depressing with a drab aura-
A large club strikes me in the head. Reeling back, I rub the bulbous wound, slowly looking upward... and see an enormous buff chipmunk with a club standing above me. He speaks with a surprisingly deep intonation. "What business do you have encroaching upon our borders, boy?"
Quickly, I pull out a hentai manga from my back pocket, gesturing toward it. The chipmunk grabs it. "Nevermind." As he walks away, I can see the quantifiable waves of slobber pooling from his mouth. I brush myself off. "Always works."
Looking around the village, I notice that everyone is holding a Mountain Dew. Upon closer inspection, I notice that they're all expired. I enact a violent pulling or wrenching as of a body in a paroxysm. After a while of walking, I come upon a royal looking palace, sort of like an adventurer's guild. No harm in entering I guess. Inside there are droves of tough looking people...and a newborn child with a mullet- but that's besides the point. I sit down at a deserted table, and take everything in, ordering a six-piece of what appears to be linen cloth shaped to look like mozzarella sticks. My moment of peace is cut off as I hear footsteps getting closer and closer. I almost throw up. This fucking linen. The footsteps come to a stop as a man sits down in front of me. He wears a black cloak that covers the majority of his face and body, save for a few strands of bright green hair.With COMPLETELY misplaced anger, he speaks."Рейд Теневые Легенды!!" I recoil. "What do you mean?" The man seems offended. "HOW FOOLISH!! YOU DON"T SPEAK RUSSIAN?! YOU DISAPPOINTMENT!!" He then smacks me. I stand up in protest, but quickly draw back as he ignites a fucking green flame in his hand. "S-sorry." I mutter. Also withdrawing, the man's eyes land on my One Piece shirt. "Ah, you must've been isekai'd." Confused, I inquire, " How did you know?" The man smacks me once more. "EVERYONE knows about isekai. My dad was isekai'd from Bangladesh." I cock my head to the side. "Then why do you speak russian-"
"ТИХИЙ!!"
"Aight."
The man looks down, presumably to asses my questionable mozzarella sticks, but gasps in wonder... at my loaf of bread. "That-that is the sacred loaf of Animereconanimakstanbriggothegoatchadladpirates!! Is it not?!" I look down at the bread and hunch over in defeat. "I don't know anything bro..." The man continues. "This loaf is the only thing capable of stopping the Devil Lord, Anemi Kaminari! I will join you, and together, we will kill him, and regain this world! I am Shinimaru, and I am at your mercy." I shrug. " Whatever dude, I'm Okoramo."
As I walk out of the castle, Shinimaru at my side, and into the vast outdoors, I see this world come into full view. "This is gonna fucking suck."
I didn't expect this world to be nice, but it is now proving to be far more hellish than probably hell itself. So far we've been attacked by ten huge worms, six beetle-like foxes, and I had also choked on a suspicious candy I found on the road. The terrain was mostly sparse forest with an occasional grassland. I trip over a mountain dew bottle and look up at Shinimaru. "Are you sure this is the right direction?" He smacks me again. "Who do you think I am?! We must go to the city of Ushuko this way to recruit Oirankaimo. I hear that she is a strong warrior."
I have a mini existential crisis about why names are so long in this world, before I remember something I had been meaning to ask. "Was that green flame some sort of magic? Or...?" Shinimaru slaps me fucking again. "Twas a Twitch."
"What?"
"Twitch."
"Your power is called a Twitch."
"Yes. I'll tell you how they work later. I don't feel like giving baseline exposition right now." I nod, still mystified by this Twitch information as we walk, but we're getting close to the village, so I'll shelve it for now. Entering the village, I notice that there is nothing special bout it. I hang my head in boredom. "So where can we find this Oiran person?"
"I hear that she can be found in the heart of the city." He responds, kicking a rock. I nod, and become happy, because he hasn't smacked me-
He then smacks me in the head.
Fuck.
It had become nighttime quickly, so we take refuge at an inn for the night. When I enter, everyone just sort of stares. I look at Shinimaru, puzzled. He just shakes his head. "I forgot to get you new clothes." I had been wearing a One Piece shirt and sweatpants since I had been isekai'd, and I hadn't really noticed. Shinimaru grabs me, before dragging me into a closet, stripping me naked- wait what the fuck- "Dude!! What the- What are you doing!?" Quickly, he slips on some vaguely Japanese clothing onto my fucking naked body, before shoving me back out into the hall. We buy our room, and head upstairs. "There had to have been a more subtle way to do that." I complain. Shinimaru doesn't look back. "I know there was."
Entering the room, I can see an array of different scraps of trash scattered around the room. I turn to Shinimaru, "How much did this room cost…?" He responded, " Don't ask bro."
It is NOT easy falling asleep on potato chip bags, but I somehow manage to do it.
I wake up in a cold sweat after a dream of a squid licking my chin, and have no idea what time it is, because this world apparently has no clocks. But after ten minutes of sitting there, the doors to the room slam open. A woman runs through the door. " THERE'S A FUCKING THING DOING SHIT!!!"
I look at the author.
"What creativity."
After leaving my bread in the room, I run outside, and see a huge spider running down the hall, but for some strange reason, its face is that of an anime girl. It yells shrilly, "Nii san!! NII SAN!!" I have no idea what to do…so I disregard the woman and run back to the room. Luckily though, I see Shinimaru exit as I enter. I watch as Shinimaru dives between the eight legs of the spider, before firing a volley green flame at its abdomen. He then stands behind it while it runs towards him, but it collapses before falling flat on its face long before reaching Shinimaru. OOOOOOOOOOH. His flames must be poisonous! I run up to him, and he nods. " Yeah. the flames are almost as toxic as my girlfriend." I stare blankly. " Not funny? Aight." The woman thanks Shinimaru, who bows, but not gracefully, seeing as he falls, rolls down the stairs, running into a cat, who scratched his face into a bloody mess.
After getting dressed, we enact a primal ritual and head out. After walking for a while, we come upon a large mansion in the center of the city. I look up to Shin. "this it?" He nods. "Yup. She's guarded by a ton of animals though, so be warry." I'm confused.
"Animals?"
"Y'know, dinosaurs, dragons…"
My jaw drops. "Why wasn't I informed of this earlier?"
"You didn't ask. Anyway, I'll give you my enchanted katana to use until you unlock your Twitch." He tosses me a katana. " It has the ability to split into smaller swords that you can control, but if it's in front of an attractive woman, it'll go to them and kill you."
"W-why...?"
"See you later."
He smacks me, before running headlong running into the mansion. Reluctantly, I follow close behind. Once I enter, I am immediately splashed with blood from Shinimaru ripping out a velociraptor's intestines, before setting the rest of the pack on fire with his green flames.
I might just be fucked.
Doing my best to calm down, I start by splitting my sword, slitting the neck of a dragon who had been charging toward me, sending it sliding across the floor. I then reform it and cut off the testicles of a triceratops. Running to the left, I am immediately distraught. In front of me is a ludicrously sexualized cat girl. She makes a peace sign, breasts jiggling. "Nya!" I can feel my sword shaking. I turn back to Shinimaru, who, in a mortified terror, screams,
"OKORAMO!! RUN!!" My sword splits, and I dodge one of the slashes before it reforms and hovers toward the cat girl, who grabs the sword and says, "I'll turn you into one of my toys, UWU!!" Shinimaru runs towards me, "She's about to activate her Twitch!!" But it's too late. Before long, all I can see is the voluptuous cat girl and her curvy features. I can't see anything else. Shit! I can't stop my body from moving towards her! I begin to accept death as I walk slowly towards the cat girl-
A sharp burning pain wakes me up from my trance. I turn around to see green smoke rising from my back. When my vision clears, I see Shinimaru furiously and mercilessly brutalizing the cat girl. I can't see the full scene, but I think I spy an eye roll across the floor, as well as the sharp and violent spasms and screams of the henati slut.
Shiniamru tosses me the sword back, and I continue to fight, moving forward steadily. Shinimaru and I eventually make it to the center of the mansion, and come upon a large set of double doors. I look to Shinimaru, who slaps me before saying, "Lets go."