"What do you mean we can't see him? I'm his father! I mean, it's just alcohol poisoning, right? He's not going to need surgery or something?" Roman argues with the doctor seeing to Micah.
I grab his arm and hope that he notices me. That he's distracted by my touch enough to calm himself down. "Hey, maybe you should sit down. I'll talk to her and see what's going on."
"This is ridiculous. Since when am I not allowed to visit my son in his hospital room?"
"Roman!"
He rips himself away from me. It hurts. It's not supposed to. A moment ago, I wanted him further away from me than the Sun is to Earth. But Micah's not doing well and I'm confused and I don't know what to do. I need to be close to someone right now. "What was I thinking? This is all my fault. I shouldn't have left him in the club with Ashlae. I shouldn't have followed you. I should have stayed with him. Protected him. What kind of father am I..."
"Don't say that. It's my fault," I insist. "You wouldn't have left him if I didn't leave the club. It's my fault."
"Right? I think both of us are at fault. We're supposed to take care of him. Of my son. What is wrong with me?" he grabs at his deep brown curls. His fingers are strained and swollen at the knuckles. He's hurting himself.
I take his hands in mine. "It doesn't help behaving like this. I-I'm sure it's just routine alcohol poisoning. You need to keep it together–for his sake."
"Do you think I'm selfish?"
I pause. How do I answer that without revealing the darkest parts of my character? Yes, we're selfish, Roman. In context, we're the worst people to have ever existed. We should stay away from each other and hope nothing bad comes of what we almost did. Would it have been different if Micah was my best friend instead? Do I want Roman only because he's the forbidden fruit? "I think everyone deserves a chance to connect with someone. You're not selfish for wanting closeness. You're only human."
"Right." He turns away from me, hands dropping to his hips. He's defeated. He knows what I was thinking. That we're selfish. That all of this is on us. "I'm going to call Ashlae. Tell her what's going on. Come and get me if anything changes."
"Okay." I watch him leave.
He dials Ashlae and speaks softly into the phone. At least he managed to compose himself. What am I supposed to do now?
Micah is too vulnerable without us. We can't betray him. But we don't owe him our entire lives. Do we? At which point does loyalty become consumption? He's consuming us. Can't live without us.
I fall into the chair next to his hospital room. I can never leave him. I'm his first love. I don't have the heart to disappoint him like that. Break his heart.
But...I don't think he's the right fit for me anymore. He's the only boyfriend I've ever had and sometimes I wonder if I've wasted my time. If I should have gone and been with other people instead of settling with Micah. Seen the world.
He's a great boyfriend. Only, I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with great anymore.
"Family of Micah Williams?" The doctor steps out of the room, closing the door behind her.
I stand. "Yes—I'm his girlfriend."
"Right. Well, his condition is stable. Nothing major. We're running some tests and will inform you if there are any changes," she says.
"Can..can we see him?"
"He's asleep right now so only for a minute," she says.
"Okay. Thank you."
Micah has this thing where he plays with his hair until he falls asleep. He's lying on his back, hand in his hair, lips parted. He looks restless. He sighs deeply.
What's bothering him? I should know that. Shouldn't I? I'm his girlfriend. He's supposed to feel comfortable talking to me about things that would drive him to drink his liver to failure. Right? Did he want to talk to me the entire night and I just never noticed?
I sit down next to him. Smooth my fingers through his hair. The same colour as his mother's. I almost pull away. He's been through enough already. Why am I putting him through this?
I touch my lips to his forehead. His hands slide around my waist and he pulls me up onto the bed with him. "That tickles."
I laugh. It's a sad chuckle. An apology. "I should've been there with you."
"You're here now. That's all that matters to me," he insists. "Now kiss me again. On the mouth. Please."
I can't stop the tears that flood my eyes when I kiss him. He's too forgiving. If he only knew what I was doing...
I thread my fingers through his hair, pulling him into me. He chuckles, saying something about it been a long time since we've done this. That he's missed it.
I tell him we probably shouldn't do it on his hospital bed.
His mouth is on my neck. "Do what?"
"This..." I guide his hand under my t-shirt. His fingertips are crackling hot. I hiss into his mouth. Yes, truly, it's been a long time. I've missed this. What was I thinking? Am I prepared to give this up for what could be? There's no guarantee Roman would put his relationship with his son at risk to be with me. I'm safe with Micah.
"I-I can't live without you," he breathes into my mouth. "You make me so happy."
"The both of you are so disgustingly adorable. Get off Landon, please." Ashlae opens the door.
Roman follows Micah's gym bag slung over his shoulder. He tosses his son a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. He doesn't look at me. Is he mad at me then? Does he think I've chosen my side? "Shay's waiting in the parking lot. I've just signed your discharge papers. Shower and we can leave as soon as you're ready."
"I'll help you—"
"Actually, Landon, can I talk to you for a moment?" Roman asks.