February 2021
Micah takes me on a quaint coffee date to a bookstore and we buy books from the 'blind date with a book' section and end up getting a book by the same author.
"I've never read anything from Sally Rooney before," he says, turning 'Conversations With Friends' to read the blurb. He's intrigued by the mention of an affair. I wonder what it says about him then.
"She's one of my favourite authors. I love her writing style and you've got a good pick. It's a very engaging read," I say to him.
"I've only ever seen the show," he admits.
"I've read it way too many times so I'm obligated to say the book is better. But, then again, I think film and literature targets different audiences, so there's really no way of making a comparison," I say.
He agrees with me. We have chicken and mayo sandwiches with salted caramel hot chocolate at the small café in the bookshop. It's nothing out of the ordinary and I've had breakfast at this cafe a million times before. He doesn't know that about me and I indulge him. He falls in love with the coffee. Says that we have to come back and try something else on the menu. He tips healthily and I wonder if he does it because I'm with him. That it speaks to my vanity that I think his behaviour is motivated by my presence.
The sunsets over the Peninsula and we're in his car on our way back to my apartment complex. James Authur plays on the radio. We talk about our mutual interest in sad music and laugh at our ridiculousness.
"I don't know. It's good music. Whether it's painfully depressing is another story," I say to him.
"Agree," he insists.
I invite him upstairs and he hesitates. Tells me that his father would kill him if he discovered he was being invited into my flat on the first date.
"I mean, it's not like we're going to have sleep together," I say to him and I'm desperate in a manner I've never been before. That I'm so close to it all now. His father says that he's a carbon copy of his mother when he looks every bit the same as he does. Doppelganger. It scares me. I'm taken by the resemblance.
"I don't want you to think I'm only interested in you because of...of sex and stuff. But, I don't have the strength to say no to you," he admits to me.
I unlock the apartment door and he follows me inside. We sit in the living room and start the first season of Conversations With Friends because I've never watched it and he promises it's good. I take his word for it.
"Nick is so handsome," I compliment.
"He kind of looks like my dad," Micah says. We sit there silently and try and make sense of what he said. The wavy blonde hair and shocking blue eyes and bruised lips. It's a funny observation and I can't stop myself from laughing at it. Micah laughs as well. We agree that, no, he doesn't look anything like Roman. That he's had too much coffee and he's drawing conclusions. He says that he rather prefers tea.
I put on the kettle and we migrate to the kitchen where we drink black tea out of large mugs and I really want to kiss him then. I need to prove to myself that he's the one I want. That it hasn't got anything to do with Roman. But I'm unbecomingly short and Micah's pretending to say something interesting about pottery to distract us from the obligation we feel to touch each other.
I sit my mug on the counter. "Kiss me. Please. I feel like we should've done it by now. But you're still thinking about what you're dad's going to say about it."
He's taller than me by more than a foot and it's awkward at first. He doesn't know what to do with his hands and I'm frightened by the fact that this might be his first time. That he's never done this before.
He follows the hollow of my mouth and settles into the kiss the way new puzzle pieces cut inside each other. He takes the lead. It's tentative and premature and out of place. But it'll have to do for now. That we'll have more practise.
I pull away from the kiss and he follows my mouth but I don't indulge him. "Have you done this before?"
"Will you keep kissing me if I say yes?"
"Does that mean you haven't?"
"Am I a bad kisser?"
"You kiss like you're scared of hurting me," I say to him. He blushes viscerally and apologises. He knows the spell has been broken and he retreats to the other corner of the kitchen with his mug. "I should get back home. I don't want to keep you."
Micah leaves my apartment that night and doesn't return until we've been dating for four weeks. It's his birthday and we've decided to have a micro party in my flat. I invite Amber even though we sleep in the same room and she says she'll see if she has the time. It's finals season and we can't afford to go out. Micah has an exam the next morning, but we stay up late with Ashlae and Shay to blow out candles and eat supermarket cake. Micah tells us his wish even though it's against the laws of the universe and we promise we'll make it happen. Something about having a proper party next year. The year is young and he is ambitious with reckless abandon.