One time I was so bored sitting at my house and doing nothing that I decided to head to the theater and catch a random action movie. But unfortunately, I got the time wrong when I got there, and the movie I wanted to watch wasn't starting for another two hours. So, I settled on watching a horror movie that happened to be playing at the moment. But as I entered the theater, a sinking feeling of dread hit me: it was packed with couples.
So there I was, stuck in the theater, surrounded by couples, my social anxiety holding me back from leaving my seat and exiting the theater. The fear of public embarrassment paralyzed me, and it didn't help that I had splurged on premium tickets, so I really didn't want to waste the money either.
And that's how my worst movie theater experience went. But I've always wondered how my experience would've differed had I had a girlfriend back then.
Alright, that story had absolutely nothing to do with what's happening right now. I just, that was like the first thing that came to my mind when Irina said that she wanted me to be her boyfriend….
Ehem!
Anyways, back to the story!
"Felix Wilczek! I want you…. to be my boyfriend!"
Boyfriend! Boyfriend…
Boyfrien..
Boyf…
Irina's voice echoed in my mind, and for a moment, it was as if the world around me was stretching, and distorting. My mind felt strangely weird, and then... in an instant, my vision turned black.
"My child," a voice echoed in my ears, and suddenly my vision came back into focus. "What the?" I furrowed my eyebrows, baffled as I surveyed the white void that surrounded me.
Standing before me was a figure with an otherworldly glow, dressed all in white with a flowing beard. He muttered under his breath, "My child… Do you realize who I am?"
"Are you… god?" I asked with widened eyes.
"Why, ye- what? No, no- Why the fuck would you think that? Jesus!" The figure shook his head vehemently, before immediately regaining his composure and continued,, "I am the conscience.. of your d*ck, my child."
"The conscience of my d*ck?" I raised an eyebrow, and the man nodded his head. "Yes, my child. You ever heard of the phrase, 'thinking with your d*ck'? Well this is what happens when you do think with your d*ck, son."
"Woah…" I murmured in shock and awe, before asking, "Why do you sound like Morgan Freeman?"
"Because you watched The Lego Movie last night, my child.." The bearded man explained, and I nodded my head in understanding. "Oh yeah.. Great movie."
"It is, it is.." The bearded man nodded in agreement. "But back to the topic at hand. You were about to accept the European baddie's proposal without a second thought, son. You were lucky I brought you here, or else you would've accepted her proposal without thinking even for a second."
"Oh, god! I was?" My eyes widened with the realization, and the bearded man shook his head. "But the hurdle is not over yet, son. You still have to reply to her proposal. Now, I know that you've been single, and it's going to be hard for you to think properly, when you might have a chance to finally have a girlfriend-"
"Hey! That's not true!" I interrupted the bearded man's words, correcting him. "I've had a girlfriend before."
"Minecraft girlfriends do not count as real girlfriends, son." The bearded man shook his head in disappointment, and I rolled my eyes.
"The point is; don't forget to think long and hard about the proposal before giving a reply, no matter how much of a baddie she might be," The bearded man reminded me, and I nodded my head. "I know, I know.."
"Alright, son. So long as you remember that, you're going to be fine." The bearded man said. "Are you ready to go back to the real world, son?"
"Yes, I am.." I replied with a nod and I closed my eyes. "Thank you, d*ck sensei."
The bearded man flashed a faint smile. "...My name's John, dickwad."
Whoosh!
In an instant, I was back on the rooftop, facing Irina who had her arms crossed and a slightly annoyed expression.
"Hello?" Irina raised an eyebrow, her voice tinged with annoyance. "Earth to Felix?"
"..... Is this like a trick question?" I asked, after a few seconds of silence.
"What?" Irina looked confused, and I clarified. "I'm asking if you're trying to mess with me or not."
Irina seemed taken aback for a moment, after which she shook her head and let out a sigh. "No. Unfortunately, I'm not." She said with a frustrated voice. "I'm really asking you to be my boyfriend."
"....why?" I asked, puzzled by her request. "Don't get me wrong, I know I'm hot enough to make girls fall in love with me at first sight.."
Irina rolled her eyes at my words, and I cleared my throat before continuing, "Ehem! But I'm getting the feeling that you really don't want to be in a relationship with me. So why on earth do you want to be my girlfriend?"
"Because…" Irina bit her lips and took a deep breath before saying, "Because of my fucking dad."
"..... I'm sorry, but that doesn't clear up anything." I replied after a few seconds of silence. "We're not even at the end of the chapter yet, so don't be doing that cliffhanger ending response thing, alright? Explain that shit."
"Fine," Irina let out a groan before leaning back against the railing. "You already figured out that I'm a vampire, like you, right?" She asked, her gaze shifting back to me.
"Yeah.." I replied with a nod, and Irina went on, "Well, unlike you, I was born into a vampire family. My father, although he doesn't look like it, is an old - and I mean really old - vampire, and as such, he follows some outdated customs."
I raised my eyebrows, curious, and Irina continued. "... Customs like agreeing to an arranged marriage with the son of an old vampire clan head!"
"Okay?" I glanced at Irina, still puzzled, and she waved her hands before blurting out, "What, you don't think that's fucked up? I mean, this guy is like a hundred years older than me! That's some pedo shit!"
"Yeah, no, I agree that it's fucked up.. But like, morality aside, what does that have to do with me?" I asked, looking at her with a puzzled look. "Like, don't tell me that I have to pretend to be your boyfriend so you can ward off your hundred year old vampire fiancé? What if he tries to kill me? What if your dad decides I'm his next target? I've seen those Bollywood movies, you know? They take messing with arranged marriages super seriously."
"Of course, I'm not asking you to do that." Irina shook her head and clicked her tongue. "Why the fuck would I trust a vampire noob like you to fight with a veteran like my dad? Do I look like a fucking idiot to you?"
"I mean, you didn't have to be so mean about it.." I muttered under my breath. Irina ignored my words and went on, "No, what I want you to do is to act like you're my fiancé!"
".... I'm sorry, what?" I was taken aback by Irina's words. "You want me to pretend to be your hundred year old fiancé?"
"He doesn't look like he's a hundred years old, alright?" Irina explained with a smirk as she pointed at me. "We'll just say you have a babyface or something-"
"Hold on, hold on a second.. what?" I stepped forward and waved my hands, cutting off Irina's words. "You're asking me not just to be your boyfriend, but also to pose as your fiancé? Seriously? What the fuck, that's like asking for trouble. Why the fuck would I do that?"
"Because, Felix Wilczek.." Irina stepped closer, locking her gaze with mine as she said, "...You killed my fiancé."
"Wha-What are you talking about?" My eyes widened with both horror and surprise, and I took a step back. "I-I didn't kill anyone!"
"Sure you did," Irina said while whistling softly, her tone nonchalant. "Remember the guy who bit you?"
"T-The mugger? He was your fiancé?" I asked, surprised, and Irina nodded in response. "I was supposed to meet him near the alleyway, but apparently, he went for a quick bite before. Didn't think he knew it would end up being his last meal, though."
"B-But- But I didn't kill him!" I explained, stammering. "A s-silver cross fell on his head! I had nothing to do with that!"
"You really think my dad would believe that?" Irina scoffed at my words. "Yeah, a silver cross fell down from the sky and pierced your daughter's fiancé's skull. Sorry about that. You think that'll work?"
"D-Don't- Are you seriously blackmailing me right now?" I asked, anger and fear filling my eyes.
"No, dumbass." Irina shook her head as she let out a sigh. "I don't have to. The thing you have to know about old vampires is, they have a very astute sense of smell. One whiff at you, and he'll know for a fact that your blood is related to my fiancé's. Now, there's no way my fiancé would ever turn a human into a vampire. He'd never let a human live after he bit them. Unless.."
"Unless.. I killed him before he could kill me.." I finished the sentence before she could, and I fell onto the floor, my gaze fixed on the sky above as I sighed. "Fuck me.. Am I really going to get killed because of a misunderstanding?"
"Not if I can help it." Irina knelt in front of me with a smile. "The good news is that your entire body, including your blood cells, has been completely transformed by the bite. You would practically smell just like my fiancé now. And that's a good thing because my dad has no clue what my fiancé even looks like."
I slowly shifted my gaze back to Irina, remaining silent for a few more seconds before asking, "And what if he figures it out?"
"Oh, you really don't want to think about that." Irina's smile grew wider, and she stretched out her hand. "So, what do you say, boyfriend?"
"Hah…" I let out a long sigh before accepting her handshake. "I guess I'm in…. girlfriend."
-----------------------
Meanwhile…
Darren was still standing in front of the entrance of the cafeteria, drinking the chocolate milkshake in his hand, while he held the orange juice in his other hand.
"...Yeah, he's definitely not showing up."