Lu Ye slept through the night trapped in the nightmares. Countless forces were strangling the life out of himself tenaciously, the cries of mortals regardless of gender or age, echoing persistently. Their haunting howl was loud to no end, yearning for what had been stolen from them. Though it was dark, Lu Ye's eyes were wide open, rolled back, while his mouth hung agape, desperately gasping for air.
In one fleeting moment, he heard a voice. "My lord.." But it wasn't the voice that had saved him from the brink of death. Instead, it seemed to add to his torment, whispering with increased pressure, "I'll come to fetch you."
And just like that, everything turned into mist, and he jolted awake, drenched in sweat. His heart pounded furiously, exhaustion and confusion swept over him. He breathed heavily, his body trembling uncontrollably.
After a while, he grew accustomed to this state. After all, it had been five years since the nightmares began haunting him. There was little time for him to dwell on the matter, for morning had already arrived. He had only just returned to his room from Damu Lan's chamber a little before dawn.
As he was getting himself ready, the events of the previous night dawned on him as it still surprised him.
As was their usual routine, Lu Ye had gone to attend to Damu Lan, who was seemingly drunk and making a mess everywhere unknowingly. Lu Ye could only sigh, acknowledging that the renowned Qing Zhu Jun remained unchanged. After tidying everything up, all that remained was the wine cup tightly clutched in Damu Lan's hand.
"Master, please don't drink anymore. Let me take the cup and lay yourself down on your bed." Lu Ye said, his hand attempted to retrieve the cup on Damu Lan's grasp.
However, Damu Lan seemed reluctant, gripping the cup even tighter. This caused Lu Ye some trouble, but he persisted, exerting more force to pry Damu Lan's hand open. Yet, Damu Lan's grip did not yield. His own strength paled in comparison to Damu Lan's, so he had expected this struggle. So he kept on exerting more strength, only to be met with Damu Lan's sneering smile upon his flushed face.
By this point, Lu Ye was already exhausted. His spiritual power seemed futile, and he let out a frustrated huff. Annoyed and embarrassed, he questioned, "D-Damu Lan, why are you smiling? Do you have fun playing with me like this?"
But Damu Lan's smirk remained, his face slumped sideways onto the table as he observed Lu Ye's efforts to free his hand. "It's fun."
It was disrespectful. Lu Ye had exerted nearly all his strength to release just one hand from the cup. His head hung low, filled with shame and frustration. Biting his lips, he couldn't help but feel embarrassed. Innately, he pinched Damu Lan's hand, hoping to elicit a reaction. However, all he received in return was Damu Lan's playful remark, "Haha, right now, it feels like the bite of an ant."
Lu Ye's face flushed with a mixture of emotions. Was he truly so weak and powerless? That couldn't be right. The people of the Qing Shan Sect claimed that he surpassed even Hua Ran and was considered a suitable successor to Damu Lan.
Lu Ye sighed, admitting his defeat. Just when he was about to release his grip on Damu Lan's hand, he was caught off guard as Damu Lan swiftly held onto his hand instead, refusing to let go.
"What's the matter now?" Lu Ye asked.
"You will leave once you finish cleaning this room," Damu Lan replied.
Was that the reason he stubbornly clung to the cup? Because it would be the last thing for Lu Ye to clean?
"Master, this is your room. It would be inappropriate for me to stay until morning," Lu Ye explained.
Damu Lan's hand slowly reached out to Lu Ye's cheek, careasing it gently before he spoke, "I prefer it when you call me by my name." His gaze softened, eyelids drooping slightly.
Before Lu Ye responded, the door swung open. He was certain he had it locked, aiming to avoid such startling entrances. But who else but Zhang XiYi has the skill to enter Damu Lan's room with such ease, as if there were no barriers? It was unmistakably Cang Ren. His skill in lockpicking had reached another level, even capable of dispelling a locked spell barrier effortlessly.
"Hmm? You're still here," Cang Ren remarked, his eyes meeting Lu Ye's. Damu Lan, still intoxicated, kept his head resting on the table, his hand holding onto Lu Ye's. As sleep weighed heavily on him, he paid little attention to Cang Ren's presence.
Cang Ren's gaze fixated on Damu Lan's hand gripping Lu Ye's.
When he realized it, Lu Ye promptly pulled his hand back. Cang Ren offered him a reassuring smile as he entered the room, closing the door behind him. "You two seem quite intimate," he remarked.
Lu Ye respectfully bowed to Cang Ren, intrigued by his sudden visit to Damu Lan's room. He decided to linger for a while, curious about Cang Ren's action. Cang Ren walked towards a shelf in the corner, observing its contents. Then, he proceeded to open the drawers beside the shelf, searching through them.
Just as Cang Ren was about to select a book from within, Lu Ye's hand caught his wrist. "It's not appropriate to go through someone else's belongings," Lu Ye cautioned. Though he had done that.
Even though his right hand was retrained, his left remained free. Cang Ren used it to pick up a book, a sneer forming on his lips. "A disciple should remain within the line."
"Or what? Are you related to these books...to these diaries?"
Lu Ye released his grip, taking a step back. Oblivious to the true meaning behind Cang Ren's words, he chose to remain silent.
"It's good that you're here. I can ask you directly." Cang Ren said, his hands flipping through the pages.
When he halted at a certain page, his hands tracing over the writing. "I've seen your handwriting before, and there's no mistaking it. Every stroke and style is identical to what's written in this book. I have a pretty good memory, you see."
"What do you call it? Muscle memory?" He mused aloud.
Lu Ye's throat went dry, he was thoroughly confused by Cang Ren's ramblings, so he responded with a simple phrase, "I don't know what the master is talking about."
After a brief pause, Cang Ren pressed further, his tone growing more intense. "Then, why don't you take a look at what I'm talking about?" He turned the book open, showcasing it to Lu Ye, holding it in one hand while grasping Lu Ye's paper note in the other.
Lu Ye had never taken a proper look from what was written in those books when he had glimpsed them five years ago. He was afraid of delving too deeply into his master's belongings, so he had never dared touch or ask about them.
But as he saw what was written, his eyes widened, his body stiffened, and his already pale skin grew even paler. This shock surpassed anything he had experienced from his nightmares. His eyes rapidly scanned the poem on the page.
It was the exact same verse he had written during Jin An's lecture. As he compared the two, a resounding bell chimed in his mind, merging with an unfamiliar image. Lu Ye squeezed his eyes shut and said, "I truly don't understand what the master is initiating," his hands clenched tightly. "I assure you, I have never take a look at the books. I wrote what I did because that was what came to mind. It's purely coincidental."
Cang Ren's eyes narrowed, his patience wearing thin. "I might have believed you if you had said you glanced at this book and copied the same verse. But the handwriting is difficult to disregard. Not to mention..." His eyes glanced back at the drawer before he continued, "the amount of books in there."
At this point, Lu Ye's head grew heavy as if a dense fog had settled inside his skull, his attention drifting from Cang Ren's words. His breathing grew labored, his vision becoming blurred. As his body began shivering in sweat, he muttered to himself, though, barely coherent, "I am Lu Ye. Lu Ye is Lu Ye. Lu Ye is but a mere nobody."
Everything Cang Ren said became nothing more than an echoing voice, unclear. When Cang Ren noticed Lu Ye's strange behavior, he approached him, gently tapping his shoulder, only for Lu Ye to forcefully slap his hand away in a swift motion.
"Don't touch me!" Lu Ye shouted, jolting Damu Lan awake.
When he heard of the commotion, Damu Lan rushed towards the two, instinctively shielding Lu Ye behind him. "Don't scare him!"
"Don't scare him...!" Damu Lan shouted, twice.
Cang Ren's shoulders twitched. Why would their conversation frighten Lu Ye? Cang Ren couldn't comprehend. Lu Ye wasn't a child. When the situation escalated to that, Cang Ren didn't dare to continue further. "Alright, alright...I'll leave now,"
Cang Ren turned to them and bowed before walking away in hurry, leaving the door open.
Damu Lan closed the door, sealing it with yet another barrier. Despite being heavily intoxicated, he mustered his energy to speak.
"Are you alright?" He asked. However, Lu Ye's mind seemed distant, his expression was a brewing pose of fear and anger that defied description.
Lu Ye's legs grew weak, and he slowly sank to his knees, a feeling of nausea overwhelming him. Everything about him felt abnormal, as if he were afflicted by an illness far from ordinary.
A pang of worry pierced Damu Lan's heart, and without hesitation, he moved to embrace Lu Ye. "It's alright, it's alright. It's just a dream. Just a dream," he repeated soothingly, gently patting Lu Ye's head.
Though earlier he seemed to detest physical contact, Lu Ye found Damu Lan's touch strangely comforting. He quietly composed, cocooned within Damu Lan's arms.
After some time, Lu Ye noticed that Damu Lan remained still, not speaking or stirring. When he shifted slightly, he could see that Damu Lan had fallen asleep. He fell asleep.
With great care, Lu Ye laid Damu Lan on his bed, retrieved the wine cup, cleaned it, and returned to his own room.
The final scene of the event dissolved in his mind, fading like a distant dream, with each scene losing its clarity. Lu Ye blinked, feeling a gentle breeze brush against his cheeks, as if nudging him back to present. He now found himself in the training hall, sword in hand, facing Hua Ran.
"Do you take me for a fool? Why are you not paying attention?" Hua Ran's voice pierced through the air, filled with annoyance and impatience.
Lu Ye's gaze met with Cang Ren, who observed the training session from a distance. Their eyes briefly connected, and as they did, Lu Ye regained his composure. He straightened his posture and bowed respectfully to Hua Ran.
"Pardon me, senior Hua," he said. "It seems like I'm not feeling well. I'm going to the remedial chamber for a bit."
With that, Lu Ye left the training hall, and as he did, Cang Ren stood and left.
In the remedial chamber, Lu Ye sat on the patient bed, with Cang Ren joining him after Lu Ye abruptly ended his sparring session midway. An awkward silence hung between them, and they both attempted to speak at the same time. Lu Ye broke the silence, urging Cang Ren to go first.
Cang Ren cleared his throat before he began. "For what happened last night...I'm sorry."
Lu Ye nodded. "It's all good...my mind was overwhelmed with emotions, so I couldn't handle them well."
Cang Ren noticed that Lu Ye seemed to avoid making eye contact as he spoke. "For the poem.... It really was coincidental. I haven't had the chance to read the books in the drawer one by one."
"I'm not merely concerned about the poem. The way it was written neatly the same way was what piqued my curiosity—"
Lu Ye interrupted Cang Ren, cutting his words short "Whose books are those in the drawers, anyway?"
Cang Ren paused, shocked. He had assumed Lu Ye knew who the books in the drawer belonged to, but it seemed he was mistaken. Initially thinking Lu Ye was joking, he realized the look on his face was sincere—Lu Ye truly didn't know.
"Bai Chang's."
Lu Ye was taken aback. This was the first time he had made it known. "So that's how it is. Do you suspect me of being him?" He asked.
Cang Ren nodded, "You're very wise, much like him. It's not just that. Your indifference towards Zhang XiYi is also a thing. Just so you know, Bai Chang and Zhang XiYi are earth to hell nemesis."
Lu Ye couldn't deny it. He had a sense of uneasiness when he faced Zhang XiYi, but he had never understood the reason behind it, so he simply didn't bother to be courteous in front of him.
"Ancestor Zhang is too prideful. I didn't know how to act in front of him." Said Lu Ye.
"That was similar to what Bai Chang said."
"But I'm not him. Why are you pressuring me with this?" Lu Ye said, his voice took on a fervent tone.
Cang Ren observed this behavior, then fixed his posture.
"I had my doubts. If you say you're not him, then you're not. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable."
Uncomfortable? He had made Lu Ye feel worse. Now he couldn't shake off the unsettling feeling that he might be related to the devil himself.
"If I truly am him, what would you do?" Lu Ye asked. Despite the tremor in his voice, his expression remained resolute.
Cang Ren locked eyes with him, engaging in a prolonged stare before responding, "I am powerless against him. If you truly are him..." he paused briefly before continuing, "It would be both good and bad news."
"Good news? Can there be good news for the presence of such a devil? The one who caused the massacre, took countless lives and destroyed the future of many?"
"In some ways," Cang Ren retorted.
"Hah. Good news," Lu Ye's tone dripped with sarcasm.
Cang Ren fell silent, only watching Lu Ye as he left his remedial chamber without uttering another word.
"If you're truly him..."
When Cang Ren thought about it back, it was at that time, it was five years after Bai Chang's death.
It was night. Five years after Bai Chang's demise and he became renowned, Damu Lan had been isolating himself. His tendency to dismiss anyone who knocked at his door was common knowledge by the time, even when they brought him food, it was left untouched.
Cang Ren went regardless.
When he knocked at the door, Damu Lan didn't respond. But Cang Ren always had the nature of forcing himself onto people, so Cang Ren opened up the door anyway. For some reason, Cang Ren had also acquired the lock picking skill.
When he got inside, he couldn't believe how messy it was. It was not a room someone like Damu Lan to be in. It was like this room didn't even belong to Damu Lan.
The table was flipped, and the wooden chair was upside down. The sheets on the bed were wet, stained with wine. Cang Ren assumed that Damu Lan had spilled wine multiple times on them, it was starting to create an uneasy odor and displeasing color to the eyes.
That was the condition of the room, how about its owner?
Damu Lan was dressed in his usual night attire, sitting at the table. His robes were starting to become dirty. How long since he last had a bath?
Around him were a handful of books—untitled books. Many of them.
"Damu Lan..." Cang Ren called out to him, tapping gently on his shoulder.
It never dawned on him that he would see Damu Lan in such a state. His eyes were red and swollen with dark circles underneath, as dark as it can be. His skin was dry, especially his lips and his hair was disheveled.
Damu Lan wasn't exactly looking at Cang Ren when he turned his head, but he was indeed looking at Cang Ren.
"Cang Ren... I killed him."
Killed him? He must have been referring to Bai Chang. So what? It was fair. He reaped what he sowed. And it had been 5 years. Why was Damu Lan suddenly grieving over his death right now?
"Cang Ren... I killed him."
That was all he kept repeating.
"Damu Lan, what are you reading?" Cang Ren asked.
He couldn't exactly read what was written on the book, and Damu Lan wasn't replying.
"Damu Lan, it's been so long. Look at you. You can't let this happen to you. You should at least... eat and take a bath."
"I killed him.."
Damu Lan began grabbing Cang Ren's arms forcefully. "Ouch!"
"Cang Ren..."
At this point, tears started to stream down from Damu Lan's face. He couldn't stand upright, it was almost as if he were bowing, so his face wasn't really readable to Cang Ren. He had to lower his head to get a better look.
Cang Ren had seen people grieving over the loss of their loved ones before, but none had shown such a behavior as Damu Lan. Moreover, was Bai Chang even his beloved?
"Damu Lan, what's going on with you?!" Cang Ren had to endure the pain inflicted upon him from Damu Lan's grip.
"I killed him..."
"I know you killed him! It was your duty to bring justice. He killed the sect leader, he killed your master! He injured Jin An! He killed amateur disciples and many more! It was only natural for you to avenge his death!"
"I shouldn't have!" Damu Lan shouted, Cang Ren startled.
"I was wrong! I had everything! I had everything and I still have!"
"I had everyone's favor, I had it all!"
"Damu Lan..." Cang Ren intended to calm him down, so he patted his head as Damu Lan's body sank lower.
Damu Lan resumed, "But he... he had nothing."
"Cang Ren, I was all he had!"
Damu Lan buried his face messily into Cang Ren's sleeve, the tears flowing unabated. It was a poignant moment as Cang Ren witnessed his friend's vulnerability, realizing that this was the first time he had ever seen Damu Lan cry.
For Damu Lan, the judgment of others had lost its significance. All he yearned for now was a chance to turn back the hands of time. If only the past could be rewound five years, he was certain he could set everything right once more.
"Come now, brace yourself. Let's start anew. I'll help you clean up this room, and after that, I'll bring you something to eat, alright?" Cang Ren's soothing words tried to put Damu Lan at ease, though he admitted to himself that comforting a crying person was uncharted territory for him.
In the midst of his tears, Damu Lan managed to explain, "Yin Xuan...Bai Chang's subordinate said he could never rest in peace. I am all to blame." His already swollen eyes grew even more puffy as he spoke.
Trying to grasp the situation, Cang Ren began, "How do you know that? Damu Lan, did you—"
But before he could finish, Damu Lan interrupted, "Because I pitied him. I pitied his fate, his entire existence in his final moment. I am all to blame."
An air of heavy silence enveloped them as they both grappled with the weight of Damu Lan's remorse. After a while, he spoke again, "You can leave, Cang Ren. Leave this room as it is. I will see what I can do."
Though he wished to stay and offer support, Cang Ren respected Damu Lan's wishes and quietly left the room. However, he couldn't shake off the feeling that Damu Lan needed some form of comfort during this time.
Unable to dismiss his concern, Cang Ren decided to bring Damu Lan something to eat and assist him in tidying up his room. Given the circumstances, the usual rule about late visits no longer applied, so he cautiously held a plate of chicken porridge and made his way back to Damu Lan's room.
"Mo Yun, are you still in pain? If it hurts, just call out to me. I'll come to you," Damu Lan's voice was strained, a trickle of blood already marking his neck where he pressed Tian Xiang.
The plate of chicken porridge slipped from Cang Ren's hand, forgotten, as he rushed towards Damu Lan, snatching Tian Xiang from his desperate grip.
"What in the world do you think you're doing, you dumbass!" Cang Ren trembled with anger.
Startled by Cang Ren's sudden arrival, Damu Lan's eyes flared with frustration, "Didn't I tell you to leave? Why are you here? Give Tian Xiang back to me!" He shouted.
In a swift and unexpected move, Cang Ren's fist connected with Damu Lan's face. The punch landed, but Damu Lan, weakened from days without food and consumed by sorrow, lacked the strength to retaliate.
After a few more punches, Damu Lan finally yielded, his body sinking to a subdued stance. "It hurts.." he murmured.
"Cang Ren, it hurts..." Damu Lan covered his face with his arms, attempting to hide the streaming tears that flowed unbidden. Although it appeared as if he was trying to endure the physical pain from the punches, Cang Ren knew all too well that it was something else entirely.
Cang Ren's heart wrenched at the sight of his friend. Gently, he reached out and pulled Damu Lan into a supportive embrace, holding him close. "I know it hurts, but you don't have to bear it alone," Cang Ren whispered softly.
Cang Ren gently pointed to the scar on his face, a reminder of the pain inflicted by Bai Chang, and said, "Remember, you promised me that you would find a way to help with this scar. It still brings pain to me, and I couldn't go about my days without someone to aid me. I can barely see with this eye."
He paused for a moment, letting his words sink in before continuing, "If you truly regret what happened, then you must come to terms with the past. Do you think Bai Chang—I mean Mo Yun, would wish to witness you suffering like this?"
"When you were chasing after him, did he ever hurt you? I was sure none of the blood on your robes were yours."
"I highly doubt he would want to see you hurting yourself like this. It's time to find a way to heal, not just physically but emotionally as well."
After a while, the weight of Damu Lan's emotions proved too overwhelming, and he continued to sob like a vulnerable child. Cang Ren remained by his side, offering comfort and support in the form of gentle pats on his back.
Lost in the echoes of his memories, Cang Ren gradually brought his mind back to the present. With a faint smile playing on his lips, he muttered to himself, "I didn't lie when I said it would be some sort of good news."
Lu Ye walked out of the remedial chamber, his initial intention to apologize to Cang Ren dissipating in the face of his persistent probing.
Ascending the stairs, Lu Ye noticed Huang ChenTao standing near the final staircase, gazing at the scenery before him.
"Oh, it's you..." Huang ChenTao began, recognizing Lu Ye.
But Lu Ye was baffled. His body trembled once again, just as it had been trembling and shaking repeatedly. What was it that he feared so much?
"That's right! You're Damu Lan's only disciple," Huang ChenTao exclaimed cheerfully, as if flowers were blooming around him.
"Are you heading to the library pavilion?" He asked.
Lu Ye hesitated, unable to respond. Rather than hesitation, it felt as though his voice had abandoned him. He had indeed planned to visit the library pavilion to learn more about Bai Chang. Asking others would be futile, as they either feared the name of harbored deep-seated animosity towards it.
As Huang ChenTao drew closer, Lu Ye's unease intensified, prompting him to step back.
"What's wrong?" Huang ChenTao asked, taking another step closer.
Lu Ye felt as if his blood was boiling, surging through his head. His stomach twisted into knots, threatening to expel everything he had eaten. Hastily, he covered his mouth, feeling a strong urge to vomit. For a fleeting moment, it felt as though his soul was desperately trying to escape his body.
"Sect leader have anything to do with my disciple?"
Damu Lan's voice suddenly intejected, bringing an end to the tormenting moment. Just like before, he stood before Lu Ye, shielding him with his presence.
"I was just wondering if he was on his way to the library. Is he sick? He doesn't look too good." Huang ChenTao said.
"Seems like it. I'll tend to him, so the sect leader need not to worry," Damu Lan assured.
"If you say so, then I'll take my leave."
Lu Ye grasped on Damu Lan's sleeve when Huang ChenTao hummed as he walked past him. Damu Lan placed his hand over Lu Ye's and gently lowered it.
"You may hold my hand," he said, his smile uncertain whether it was playful or sincere.
Lu Ye remained silent, not responding until he had calmed himself, then pulled his hand away. "I am not a child. It wouldn't be appropriate."
"But if you ever want to, this hand is always welcome to fetch yours."
Lu Ye found it strange. Damu Lan had become more open and intimate with him as of late, and the unfamiliar warmth of his words left Lu Ye contemplating the deeper meaning behind them.
"Thank you."