I opened my eyes.
I woke up to find myself surrounded by cold, iron bars. As I reached out to touch them, the harsh light spilled through, contrasting sharply with the dimness of my small, confined room. This room I was in resembled nothing more than a cramped square, like a dog's kennel.
My robes were in tatters, their threads unwinding, and my hair was a wild mess. I couldn't help but notice how small and fragile my hands appeared. After all, I was just a child.
Laughter erupted from beyond my cell. I realized then that my cell was situated within the heart of the kitchen. The sound of approaching footsteps reached my ears, prompting me to sit obediently.
They entered, these figures joining in what appeared to be a family gathering around the dining table. Their cheerful banter reverberated in the room, while I observed silently from my restricted point of view.
"Chang-er, here's your drink," my stepsister said as she poured it through the bars. I extended my tongue, eagerly swallowing the liquid. She lovingly patted my head, and in response, a warm smile graced my lips. My stepsister was so kind and gentle.
My stepmother, wearing an expression of mild disgust, placed my meal outside the cell. It fell upon me to fish out the spoon from within and proceed to consume my fill. It was quite a struggle, but one that I had grown accustomed to. She promptly left, her fingers pinching her nose. Why is that?
This monotonous routine had become my reality, my daily existence confined within these prison walls. It had been an eternity since I last stepped foot outside. After my mother's withdrawal, leaving me in the care of my father, my stepmother's arrival into our lives had altered everything. I often found myself yearning to witness the sky's vast expanse and feel the gentle caress of the wind upon my skin.
Yet, I reassured myself, they provided me with the sustenance and shelter. At least I had that. And so, like any other day, I resigned myself to sit obediently within my cell, awaiting dinner.
I woke up to the sound of my father's voice. "You're turning five years old today. Do you remember it well?"
I nodded happily, eager to go on an adventure. Father released me from my confinement. It had been such a long time since I stepped outside. The sky greeted me with its beautiful shade of blue, and the wind felt gentle as it brushed against my skin. The people around were so loud, but it didn't bother me. I smiled and followed my father as we walked through the town.
We entered a mansion, and I noticed it was a wealthy and well-built one. The owner must be rich, I thought to myself.
Suddenly, my father pushed me towards a man and said, "You're free to use him however you want. The price should be as agreed." The man seemed older than my father. I wondered if he was my father's friend.
The man's servant approached me and placed a red bracelet on my wrist, leading me to a different room. Meanwhile, my father left with a substantial amount of money. Confused, I asked the servant, "Where is my father going?" He replied, "Your father is just going somewhere far away." It made me sad, but I convinced myself that he would come back for me.
"This red bracelet is a gift from Lord Huang to you. Be delighted."
I nodded. This was the first gift that was ever given to me!
The room I was brought to was a stark contrast to the cell I was in before. It was filled with vibrant colors and tidiness. I was even given a bath, new robes and delicious food that tasted far better than what I used to. Moreover, I had the privilege of eating and drinking on my own freely!
The night fell. As I admired the flowers in a vase, the man my father had spoken to entered the room. I overheard the servant outside, questioning the man whose name I remembered as Lord Huang, "My lord, are you sure about this?" I couldn't help, but sneak a peek, noticing that the servant avoided eye contact with me. I began to wonder if I had done something wrong.
The servant then bid Lord Huang good night and closed the door. With the room now isolated, Lord Huang approached me.
"What is your name?" He asked.
"Bai Chang! I'm five years old!" I responded cheerfully, hoping to give a good impression.
Since I was much smaller and lighter than him, he effortlessly lifted me up. I couldn't help but giggle. It was the first time I had ever been lifted so high above the ground! Lord Huang's strength and the way he held me made me feel both safe and carefree. It was a moment of pure happiness, and I couldn't wait to see what other new experiences awaited me in this unfamiliar place.
Lord Huang then gently laid me on the bed before starting to undress both himself and me. His hands made their way towards my stomach, then began exploring every corner of my skin.
Suddenly, my back felt excruciatingly sore. What was going on? I wondered.
It hurts so much. He was hammering behind me. When I turned to look at him, his aged face bore an odd expression.
I let out a cry.
"Don't cry too much or I'll punish you." He said.
The pain just kept growing worse and worse each passing moment, but I covered my mouth out of fear of punishment.
What is this? It stings so bad. It aches. It hurts. It's painful. He sounded strange as he breathed forcefully next to my ear.
I sobbed all the way to the end.
The following day, I found myself detained within the confines of my surroundings. It was as if this room appeared to have become my new cell. Weary and burdened by the ache in my back, I gingerly settled onto the edge of my bed.
My days had become a tedious cycle, a series of repetitive actions. Each morning, I awoke, bathed, and ate. From the small window embellished with cell-like bars, I would gaze at the sky, observing its ever-changing hues. And as night descended, I reluctantly fulfilled my duty as Lord Huang's companion, remaining by his side until he deemed his desires satisfied.
But, it was fine. Lin Hu, the servant assigned to me, displayed kindness, providing me a wealth of storybooks to pass the time. Sometimes, she even taught me the art of reading, writing and even how to paint. I resolved to endure this pain until my father arrived to pick me up!
As the days stretched into weeks and my hair grew longer and my physique grew taller, Lord Huang's demeanor shifted. He grew increasingly aggressive and forceful towards me, resorting to hit and smack me whenever I failed to conform to his expectations. Slaps and strikes became a regular occurrence, leaving me battered and bruised.
Yet all was well. Lin Hu would come to my side every morning, soothing my aching body with an ointment and massages. Yes, when the time finally comes for me to escape this place, I shall take Lin Hu along on an adventure across the nation and forge meaningful friendships with a lot of people! If fate allowed, I wanted to study the ways of cultivation within the hallowed ground of a noble sect, much like the righteous characters I had encountered within the pages of the books Lin Hu had gifted me.
The day I turned twelve, I was informed that Lord Huang wouldn't be attending to me for a while. Apparently, he had chosen to spend time with his family, fulfilling the role of a devoted husband and father.
A smile of relief blossomed upon my lips, knowing that I would be granted respite from the incessant pain etched upon my body. This temporary reprieve would allow the ache to subside and grant my body the chance to heal.
The days passed by.
I found myself with naught to occupy my time but gazing longingly out of the window. Tomorrow marked the return of Lord Huang. It was a news that left me feeling utterly powerless and trapped within this cage, like a bird with clipped wings, unable to fly.
"I'm tired," the words slipped from my lips.
But what was I tired of? Did I even have the right to claim exhaustion? I shook my head off.
When I stepped off the bed and called for Lin Hu, darkness surrounded everything around me, as if consumed by a blackened mist. Within that darkness, a voice spoke to me,
"If you're tired, why not share it with me?"
It had my own voice, but there was an unfamiliar tone to it. I turned around, but the world returned to normal. Was this the hallucination the books spoke of?
Feigning ignorance, I summoned Lin Hu for a study session to fill the void of time.
I settled myself onto the bed, the room plunged into darkness, the extinguished candle adding to the peaceful ambiance—or so I thought. It was then that the same hallucination invaded my serene state of slumber.
"Stop it," I pleaded, the voice persistently muttering the words I desperately wished to avoid.
"We are one. What harm is there in sharing the pain?" The voice taunted, its tone filled with provocation.
Repeating the same phrases incessantly, it urged me to admit to my heart. Frustrated, I instinctively covered my ears, attempting to block out the intrusive voices, and shouted, "Stop it!"
And just like that, the voice vanished.
Taking a deep breath, I felt drained, drenched in a cold sweat. It wasn't the heat that caused it; it was something else entirely.
As I settled myself back onto the bed, Lin Hu burst into the room, clearly out of breath. Concern etched across her face, she hurriedly approached me, questioning if I was alright.
"Lin Hu, would you mind staying with me tonight? I had a nightmare," I pleaded, hoping she would agree.
For a moment, Lin Hu froze, her expression fraught with hesitation. Eventually, she shook her head gently. "Master Bai, it wouldn't be appropriate for me to spend the night with you."
I lowered my head, understanding the reasoning behind her response. Lin Hu always maintained propriety, no matter how kind-hearted she was.
When our gazes locked, I sensed a fleeting glimpse of commiseration in her eyes. Perhaps my unintentionally forlorn expression had caught her attention.
With utmost tenderness, Lin Hu laid me on my bed and tucked a warm blanket around me. Seated at the edge, she softly stroked my hair, her touch soothing and comforting.
"Master Bai, you may rest now. I will keep you company until before the break of dawn, then I will leave," she assured me.
"That way, no one will notice."
A contented smile tugged at my lips as I nodded, surrendering myself to the serenity of sleep, comforted by Lin Hu's delicate touch. Her kindness and warmth reminded me of the tales woven within the pages of storybooks, making me feel truly fortunate to have her by my side.
Ever since then, whenever Lord Huang was absent for the night, Lin Hu would offer her presence, comforting me as I slept. She would remain by my side throughout the night, shielding me from the voice that taunted me, until just before the break of dawn.
The next day, I woke up and went about my daily routine. I gazed out the window, my mind wandered back to the past. I convinced myself that everything was fine. This was how things were meant to be. Even as the pages of the book stated, "Not all who believe in the embrace of blessings find them delivered upon outstretched palms."
As I turned fifteen, winter descended upon the land with a serene and gradual elegance. Snowflakes danced through the air, their descent seemingly in slow motion, creating a picturesque scene of enchantment. The cold air wrapped around me, seeping into every corner of the environment, casting a frigid spell that would linger throughout the season.
My father had long since felt like a distant figure, his arrival postponed indefinitely. Each passing day blurred into the next, a ceaseless cycle of boredom and agony that seemed to stretch into eternity.
"I'm tired," I murmured to myself, my voice barely audible as Lord Huang climbed out of bed and slipped into his robe, leaving me in a disheveled state.
"You've finally reached puberty, rather late," Lord Huang commented, his appearance elusive to me, though I could see his hand had a stain of liquid that definitely wasn't water.
"Your physique has become stiff and hard. How filthy," he continued, wiping his hands with a cloth. His words washed over me as weariness consumed my being.
Too drained to respond, I succumbed to a deep slumber.
In the following week, a cacophony of noises reached my ears from beyond the door. Curiosity gripped me as I wondered what could be happening outside. The sounds of people scurrying back and forth, accompanied by the shuffling of furniture, filled the air.
Seeking answers, I called out for Lin Hu, hoping she could provide some insight, but there was no response to my summons. With growing unease, I waited patiently throughout the day, the hours slipping away until midnight arrived, yet Lin Hu remained absent from my call.
The next day arrived, and I wrapped myself with a blanket. I found myself in a state of distress as Lin Hu failed to answer my call. Summoning another servant yielded no response either. Outside my door, an eerie silence hung in the air, devoid of any voices or footsteps. Attempts to open the door proved futile. My only option was to wait and hope for some resolution.
Exhaustion eventually took hold, and despite my calls for assistance falling on no ears, I drifted into a fitful slumber. In my secluded state, hunger gnawed at my stomach.
Desperation led me to drink water from a flower vase, resorting even to eating the petals to satiate my desperate needs. Fortunately, the flower was edible although it tasted rather strange.
In the flickering glow of a lit candle, I sat at the low table, delving into the remaining storybooks left by Lin Hu. Yet, as I immersed myself in the tales, the same haunting voice resurfaced, taunting me ceaselessly.
Determined to maintain a peace of mind, I wore a smile upon my face, dismissing the voice's existence.
"Don't you finally grasp the truth? Everyone has abandoned you," the voice whispered venomously.
Unbothered, I hummed softly, focusing on the words I did not comprehend, intending to seek Lin Hu's guidance when she eventually returned. As I drowned myself in the words on the page, weariness overcame me, and I ultimately fell asleep, my head resting on the table.
Three days had passed, and I had gone without sustenance throughout. My energy drained out, leaving me sprawled upon the floor, weakened and disheartened.
"Lin Hu would never abandon me. She is the most gentle and the kindest. She would not do that," I whispered to myself, seeking solace in the reassurance I desperately needed.
It was at that precise moment that Lord Huang burst into my room, adorned in resplendent dark red robes. His presence filled me with an overwhelming sense of dread. With forceful hands, he seized my arms, hurling me onto the bed before swiftly disrobing himself and then me. It was then, with a sinking heart, that I glimpsed the horrific scene that awaited me.
After Lord Huang had his fill inside me, I was left sprawled once again, this time, on the bed. He sat at the edge, a tear tracing its path down his cheek before he spoke, his voice heavy with remorse.
"You see," he began, "I want to atone for all the sins I have commited."
Confusion gripped me as I tried to make sense of his words.
Lord Huang continued, "That's why all my transgressions shall be eradicated from this world."
With three quick snaps of his finger, Lin Hu was forcefully dragged into the room by the guards. My heart leaped with joy at the sight of her, even though it didn't seem mutual to her.
Her appearance and pallid complexion were a stark contrast to her usual grace. As the guards removed the cloth that had silenced her, Lin Hu pleaded and wailed, "My lord! I beg for your mercy! My mother still needs me. I only gone to fetch her medicine! I swear I didn't run away!"
Lord Huang remained silent, snapping his fingers twice before speaking, "Both my sin and any witnesses shall vanish."
In that instant, Lin Hu's face contorted with disbelief, her eyes widened in horror. Tears streamed down her face as she cried out, "My lord! I promise I won't breathe a word to anyone! I am even willing to sacrifice my sight as compensation! Spare me, please! I will pretend I have no connection to this child! He is as good as dead to me, so please, my lord!"
I pretended that Lin Hu's desperate pleas fell upon deaf ears, but the truth remained that I heard every word.
Disregarding my half-naked appearance and starving state, I approached Lin Hu, seeking a comforting word from her, hoping she could shed light on her absence. Yet all I received was a haunting statement.
"It's all because of you...it's all because of you! If only you had never existed! If only...a disgusting dirt like you had never existed—"
But before her sentence could reach its conclusion, her words were abruptly cut off—her head was abruptly severed from her body.
It was a horrifying sight, one straight out of the pages of a book. The crimson spatters of blood splattered on the ground, some even staining my own cheek the moment she was cut.
My gaze fixated on the lifeless figure lying before me, a grim realization dawned upon my mind. Was this the true face of death, as the books had described?
I looked at the color of the blood, and I realized instantly. I despised this color, for it was the very shade that adorned the bracelet around my wrist, a constant reminder that I was a 'belonging' sold to the Huang family. No matter how many times I pretended to have lost it, the servants would eventually put on a new one the next moment.
"If only she hadn't shown you pity and decided to run away," Lord Huang said.
Pity? Mercy? What did it truly mean?
"Lin Hu, please, tell me what these words mean," I pleaded to her lifeless form, but no response came forth.
With one resounding snap of Lord Huang's fingers, the guards seized me harshly by my hair, flinging me to the floor. Swift smacks and kicks rained down upon my body. Strangely, my gaze remained locked on Lin Hu's motionless body. While my own body grew numb, the pain rendered me incapable of even uttering a scream. The beating left me motionless, my body wracked with weariness.
As exhaustion overtook my trembling form, my battered body offering little resistance, Lord Huang callously regarded me and uttered cruel words.
"If you're searching for someone to blame, look no further than yourself for being so feeble,"
I couldn't understand. I was lost in a haze of pain and confusion.
He rose from the edge of the bed, issuing orders to the guards before departing.
"Clean up this mess and dispose of the child outside. This mansion is to be put up for sale. Leave no trace behind."
The guards bowed in obedience. Then, they pulled me by my hair, dragging me towards the mansion's front door. It was the first time that I had stepped foot outside my room since my arrival. The mansion stood deserted, an emptiness permeating its halls.
As I was violently tossed into a cart, I braced myself as the guards mounted the horse and we set off along the snowy streets.
When we journeyed, I caught glimpses of the wintry landscape. The sky, clad in shades of gray, mirrored the desolation within me. The wind grew fiercer with each passing moment, presaging an imminent storm. Helpless and in pain, my body aching and my face swollen, I remain incapacitated, unable to move even my jaw.
Eventually, the guard halted the cart in what appeared to be the middle of a forest. The ground was already blanketed with snow. He dismounted, approached the me who was helplessly sprawled in the cart, and yanked me up by my hair.
Drawing his sword from its sheath, he thrust it into my abdomen. Agonizing pain engulfed me, blood trickling from my lips as he withdrew his blade. I was unceremoniously tossed onto the snowy ground, left to my fate.
Lying there, my blood staining the pristine snow.
I felt utterly powerless.
There was no escape. I was hopeless, abandoned to a cruel destiny. After all, as the saying goes, "Not all who believe in the embrace of blessings find them delivered upon outstretched palms."
Tears welled up in my eyes and spilled over. My trembling breaths hitched with sobs as I wept my way towards the inevitable embrace of death. In that moment, a realization struck me.
Why me?
Why me?
Why me?
Had blessings forsaken me entirely? Was I, a mere child, unworthy of even a glimpse? What had I done wrong to deserve such a wretched fate?
Tears kept on pouring down without cease. I continued to cry, my sobs echoing through the emptiness, my heart on the brink of shattering. It was then, in the depths of my sorrow, that the familiar voice returned to taunt me once more.
"Can't you see? You brought this upon yourself. If only you had accepted me, none of this would have come to pass," the voice sneered.
I could no longer summon the strength to refute his words, and so I wept, my tears flowing freely. In that moment, my eyes seemed incapable of blinking or even shifting.
Suddenly, the voice took on a tangible form, mirroring my own figure.
"How unfortunate, how truly unfortunate. There is no escaping it," he lamented.
His appearance then transformed, becoming an exact replica of myself, down to the smallest detail. Glaring at me, he continued his sinister monologue.
"Just succumb to your fate."
"Surrender to me," he commanded.
"This is all that remains."
"All that's left."
"We are one. And as one, we hath our wrath."
With these final words, his form began dissipating, sucked into my own self, as if I was consuming him.
As his transpired, excruciating pain surged through my veins. The numbness part of my body that had shielded me from the onslaught of misery vanished. My body erupted in searing heat, as if I were immersed in a scalding cauldron. Bones shifted within me, contorting and piercing through my forehead, emitting a reddish hue. The color I hate the most. I let out an anguished scream, the pain too intense to bear.
"I hate...I detest, I loathe, I despise them!"
"It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!"
My screams mingled with my tears, echoing through the air as grief consumed me.
The one within me said, "If it's not fair, then why don't we make it square?"
The storm began getting stronger, and as it did, the scorching heat that had flushed my body began to leave me with an icy chill akin to that of a desolate corpse. In tandem with the fading temperature, the bone that had pierced through my forehead retreated back into my being, inflicting yet another wave of pain.
And after all, I began to calm down, regardless of the raging storm.
"If fate refuses to play its part in my life, then I shall play out my own wrath,"
It dawned on me—the voice that had haunted me all along was none other than my own. It was the voice of my heart, the self that I had been unwilling to admit and submit to.