Tinanggal niya ang necktie niya at nakangising pinapanood ako. Tuwang tuwa siya habang nasa ganito akong sitwasyon at tila nagdidiwang ang kalooban niya sa nakikita niya. Akala ko mga magulang ko na ang pinakamasahol na tao sa buong buhay ko, pero mas may pinakamasahol pa pala sa kanila.
He started to unbuttoned his long sleeves pero di niya yon hinubad ng tuluyan. Nagpupumiglas ako habang sinusubukan pa ring tanggalin sa pagkakatali ang mga kamay ko. He sat on my thighs, and that made it harder for me to get away.
Kinorner niya ang dalawang gilid ko habang nakaupo pa rin sa mga hita ko. When he looked down on my stomach and saw my shirt uplifted ay mas lalo pang tumindi ang tibok ng puso ko. Ibinalik niya ang paningin sa akin at parang biglang nawala ang galit sa ekspresyon niya dahil ang kapalit non ay isang nakakapangilabot na pagngisi. Ngising tila may balak at nais na gawin sa'kin so he pinned my waist with both of his hands to stop me from moving.
"Do you remember how I ripped your shirt?"
Di ako nakasagot at sunod sunod na napalunok. I tried to keep moving to get away from this man dahil di ako makakapayag na gawin niya ulit sa'kin yon. Pero ano nga bang magagawa ko sa ganitong sitwasyon?
'Bakit ba palagi na lang akong dehado sa kaniya?! Na kahit anong gawin kong ganti ay bumabalik lang sa'kin ng mas doble pa.'
He slowly lifted my shirt up and watched me to see how I was going to react to what he was going to do. Naiiwas ko ang paningin ko at ipinaling na lamang ang ulo ko sa gilid habang humihiling na sana magkaroon ako ng kapangyarihan ngayon para makawala mula sa kaniya.
He lifted my shirt up and stopped below my chest. "Look at me, Saddain. Watch me how I touch your body."
And with just one move, my exposed breasts once again are in front of his face. I opened my eyes as I flinched and gasped when he touched me there with both hands.
"Oh, these fit on my hands"
"I h-hate you" mahinang usal ko at nagsimula ng maglandasan ang mga luha ko habang nanginginig ang katawan ko. Pakiramdam ko ay tinanggalan ako ng dangal sa ginawa niya. I'm embarrassed and ashamed.
I have my brassiere on, but I feel like my chest is very bare in his hands. Naramdaman kong humihigpit na ang pagkakahawak niya at sumasakit na rin ang pagkakapisil niya. I look at him begging and wishing he would stop but he just smiled at me.
"S-Stop" I said between my sobs.
"Why would I? Who are you to stop me right now?!"
"Please, no" my voice cracked as I cried. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how can I defend myself in this position. Even if I screamed for help no one will gonna help me anyway.
"Nasaan ang tapang mo Saddain? Ipakita mo sa'kin! You think highly of yourself for punching me multiple times. And it angers me seeing you right now but I am also enjoying this view. Do you know what I am thinking at this moment?"
I cried more as I shook my head. I feel so defeated. And I start pitying myself.
"I'm starting to think of dirty things and might play with you" aniyang nanggigigil sa galit at para bang pinipigilan niya lang ang sariling ako ay patayin.
'Why don't he just kill me now?' I asked myself and my mind answered me. 'Because he enjoys watching you as you struggle more'
"I play rough, I play hard, and I play no mercy. I can torture you if you lose. And I can pleasure you if you win. But look, I'm winning. I will always win. Still, want me to start a game?"
I look at him nervously as my heart runs and race. My strength left out my body and I just stayed still. I bit my lower lip trying to contain my sobs but I think it makes him more furiously as I hear him say,
"F*ck!"
He ripped my shirts off and now I'm almost bare. Wala na kong magawa sa ngayon kung hindi ang lumuha. I look at him begging. "Please, stop"
"You need to learn how to respect me!"
I nod and cry more quietly.
"And you need to know your place! You'll never be at my level. Those punches, those kicks, and your words are nothing, compared to what I can do to you"
I just listened. I can't speak right now, so my tears speak for me. But he's too heartless to even see it.
"And now that I knew your weakness, watch my words, because I'm gonna use it for my own pleasure. It will make you fall on your knees while begging for my mercy. Everyone do as I say and you're not an exception"
I stayed silent. He stared deeply into my eyes while analyzing my reactions and emotions. I tried to stare at him too, but I looked away because it made me feel more and more weak. I close my eyes and courageously speak.
"All I just w-wanted is to go h-home" panay ang hikbing ani ko.
"Home? In the apartment you were staying in, which now I own?" he scoffed and nodded. "Alright. Because you made this show interesting for me, I'll give you what you want."
I stopped myself from crying and hide my grudges against him.
"T-Thank y—"
"Don't thank me. I don't want to feel sorry for you but because you are pitiful in Manang Jaqui's eyes, I will let this slide again. But the next time this happens, trust me, no one will be able to stop me from making your life more than difficult. Look how the world is unfair to you. It won't stop being unfair until I say so" he grinned wider.
'Pero hindi siya ang gumawa ng buhay para ipamukha sa'kin 'to!'
Naging mas masakit sa akin ang mga sinabi niya kaysa sa pananakit niya. Napalunok akong muli at pinigilan ang emosyon ko dahil mas magmumukha ako lalong kawawa. At habang sinasabi niya ang mga linyang 'yon ay mas lalo kong nararamdamang napakababa ko. Ano nga ba ang halaga ko? Ano ba 'ko sa mundo? Nothing. I'm nothing.
"That toughness you're showing to everyone is actually just an outer shell of you. Because deep inside... you're weak. You're weak Saddain. But keep that toughness, baka sakaling mapaniwala mo 'ko" and he gave me that kind of smile that keeps making me feel down. Lahat ng linyang binibitawan niya sa'kin ngayon ay parang batong pumupukpok sa pagkatao ko.
He stood up and left me broken in this state. My situation is embarrassing, and everything I have experienced and heard are degrading. Gusto ko ng tumakbo paalis ng bahay na 'to pero iniwan niya 'kong nakagapos.
Bumukas muli ang pinto at hindi ko na napigilan pang mapaiyak lalo nang makita ko si Manang.
"Jusko!" bulalas niya.
I could see the pity in her expression now that I am in this kind of situation. She untied my hands and covered my body with her hug. I'm f*cked up.