I can't stop thinking about her words, as I put away the dishes, while throwing up, taking my shower, dressing in my scrubs, and driving to work. Do I want to keep this baby? My instant reaction would be a yes. Why couldn't I say it then to Tori?
When she said that I felt a peace, I couldn't describe. This dark feeling inside of me lifted.
Should I keep this baby? No. Peace.
Should I keep his baby? No. Floods of regret wash over me. My face gets hot just from the thought.
Unfortunately, this is my decision alone. Tori can't make it, not even Tae could make it. I push all the thoughts aside as I pull into the hospital parking lot.
Thankfully my morning sickness actually subsides in the late evening and early morning. I still have plenty of ginger candies in tow just in case. It's 11 PM and I need to find Dr. Nichols.
A few patients later and it actually slowed down a lot. I walk over to the Labor and Delivery.
"Hey ladies, who is the doc tonight?
One of my favorite nurses, Linda, who is almost like a work Mom slowly walks over and scoots in close.
"It's this new grad, he has no idea what he is doing. Run before he sees you and remembers there is an actual Ultrasound tech on call."
That's all I need to hear, I thank her quietly and run out the back door. My stomach rumbles and I realize I am actually hungry, or the baby is hungry.
I reprimand myself "Don't call it the baby or anything just leave it alone forget it's even there."
I alter my route and swing to the break room to have a late night snack. My footsteps are heavy in the dimly lit sterile hallway. I love everything about it. The silence. Will I ever get silence? I let one man waltz into my life, and dance right out. He left a tornado in his wake. I shake my head.
"What did you just say Rina? Stop thinking about it."
Now I guess I have to ask Dr. Hart about the medication? What should I tell him, that it's for a friend right?
I'm contemplating as my chicken soup warms in the microwave. Another thing Tori did to help me out. Stock up my fridge with easily digestible foods. As I expected, it's delicious. It obviously isn't from a can, probably a restaurant or something. I let the warmth seep deep into my soul. I'm almost about to let a tear escape when the door opens and I quickly wipe it away.
"Oh, Rina. How are you tonight? I noticed you have taken some time off? Is everything alright?"
I recognize the voice instantly and the nerves make me nauseated. This damn pregnancy.
"Dr. Hart, I'm doing good tonight? How are you? I was sick for a little but I'm all better."
"Oh that's worrisome, you should have told me. I could've.." he trails off for a bit.
"Anyways you know you can come to me for anything."
My mind reels, like asking for nausea medication because I am pregnant? Obviously not, but, fuck it.
"Well actually if you are offering, my friend was wondering if I could ask a Doctor at work for a prescription." He sits down and begins to unpack his lunch, which is a bag of take out probably from earlier in the day.
"What kind of medication?"
"Like a nausea medication, maybe Zofran?" I bite my lip. I really don't want to lose my job. I doubt Dr. Hart would report me though he would just say no.
"That's innocent enough, sure, I have an extra prescription pad in my car. I'll write it for her, what is her first and last name?" He smiles at me, reassuring to a fault. Then opens the to-go box and some sort of vinegary fish pasta is inside and my stomach immediately turns.
"Her name is" Keep it together, Rina.
"Tori" The seat screeches on the floor beneath me as I run for the industrial trash can at the door. I immediately empty all the contents of my stomach, goodbye expensive chicken soup.
I feel a hand on my back, gently gathering my dark brown hair.
"Whoa, are you okay? Did you eat something bad?" Dr. Hart sounds stunned.
I shake my head, "I'm so sorry, this is so gross, and you are eating. I've just been throwing up a lot lately."
"Rina, I'm an ER doctor, a little throw up isn't going to ruin my lunch." He pauses. I'm still bent over the trashcan and he is holding my hair. A great way to have a conversation. I reach for the tissue box on an adjacent chair, but Dr. Hart beats me to it.
"So is it safe to say the medication is for you?" I nod. Obviously caught in my own stupid lie.
He doesn't seem to point that out though.
"How long has this been going on?" I've already wiped my face off and drank half of a plastic water bottle from the fridge.
"About a week or two, it's really not that bad, just hard to work."
I see his emerald eyes darken. He is the type of doctor to be overly worried for his patients. I'm assuming he thinks I am crazy for waiting this long.
"I don't have insurance, so." His eyes widen and he shakes his head.
He then puts a hand up cutting me off, "I'll write a prescription, let me give you a quick once over." he looks me directly in my eyes waiting for a response "for free." I slowly nod.
If I just get through this and let him diagnose me with whatever he wants I can get the prescription. It makes sense, he needs to do his due diligence.
"Did you go out of the country? Did you eat something you usually don't? Does anything trigger it?" I answer the questions truthfully.
"Can I press on your stomach?" he quickly adds, "to look for rebound tenderness, appendicitis, you know?" I nod.
He looks puzzled then sighs, "Hmm I don't think it's any sort of infection. Bare with me here, but, when was your last menstrual period?"
Should I just tell him? Should I lie? I mean if I keep the baby, he will find out eventually. I remind myself not to think about the baby.
"Dr. Hart, you see, the thing is…" I stumble on my words.
He smiles, and it doesn't reach his eyes. "Oh, wow, I feel stupid for not realizing sooner, some doctor I am. I'll get you that prescription." he starts to pack up his lunch. "No wonder this made you sick, it's quite smelly. You are most likely sensitive.'
He pulls out a sticky note and pen scribbling a number, "Just text your name, birthdate, weight and pharmacy to here. I'll get that sent over tonight."
He is at the door now, and I'm unsure of his reaction. I got what I wanted, but something feels off.
"Congratulations to you, and the father." He smiles.
I stand at the table, "Thank you Dr. Hart for the prescription, I really appreciate everything.. and you see me and the father aren't… so I don't want any rumors…" My thoughts come out jumbled and I trail off again. I feel like such an asshole for saying this.
He cuts in, "Of course, I'll keep it a secret. I would never tell anyone. Please let me know if you need anything."
Then he leaves and it's just me and the baby.