I have exhibited an immense amount of self control. Which honestly isn't new to me. I usually can keep myself in check quite easily, but I am just so excited to meet this baby. When it gets slow at work I am tempted to just take a peek with my ultrasound machine. I haven't yet though, I want to meet this baby like everyone else. Where I am just a patient and I don't need to diagnose a thing.
I can't stop fidgeting in the way too nice waiting room. My palms feel hot as I rub them on my jeans. I'm getting worried over the cost as I listen to the steady trickle of a water fountain. It's worth the money though, this Doctor is well known. I'll worry later, It's almost time to meet my little J.
"For Rina!" A middle aged woman in pink scrubs with cute Disney characters yells.
I stand at attention like this is a test, my nerves getting the best of me. I walk towards her and we walk through the huge brightly lit office. We stop and she takes my vitals and then takes me to a dark room. I see the ultrasound machine, and it looks so old. I brush the thoughts away as she hands me a gown and tells me to get changed.
Another slightly younger woman comes in and introduces herself as the one who will be doing my 8 week ultrasound. We run through the usual questions, last period, number of previous pregnancies, and live births.
She starts the ultrasound and doesn't speak. That makes me question everything up until this point. Am I even pregnant? What if I was wrong? It feels like ten minutes pass by until she asks to do an internal ultrasound. I nod, "Of course, if that will help." I already know it will but haven't even explained my job to her.
Honestly I don't think I will, I want them to dumb everything down for me. I don't want to be treated differently just for working in the medical field. I'm a first time mom, that's the only label I want right now.
I complete internal ultrasounds for my patients all the time. Being a patient is a totally different story. I've never felt so embarrassed, I tell my patients all the time not to be embarrassed so it's crazy that I feel that way. I feel exposed and I know it will only get worse as the pregnancy progresses. My legs are starting to tremble, and I am really doubting if there is a baby at all. I've actually convinced myself I wasn't even pregnant to begin with when the tech speaks. "Do you have any twins in your family?" My mind goes blank.
"What?" She looks at me like I can't speak English. "Twins, you got any?"
I'm dumbfounded, I never ask this question to any of my patients. "Why?"
She turns the screen to face me, "You are having twins, I wanted to know if they run in your family. Do they?" She smiles then continues. "Congratulations by the way."
All of the air in the room has been sucked out, and I can't breathe. The tech's voice seems so distant, so confusing. Twins? Me? My mind flashes to that day in the kitchen, dying Tae's hair.
My voice stammers, "The father is an identical twin." She smiles. "Wow that is so cool, I love twins. They are so fun! It is my favorite thing to scan. It's such a fun surprise you know? Two babies for the price of one." She laughs, and I laugh with her. Although I'm not laughing at her joke.
I have two babies. I'm a single mother of two babies.
We finish the ultrasound and she walks to the door. "The doctor will be in shortly to go over all of the new Mom stuff with you, also I think you'll be referred to high risk OB now. It was nice meeting you, congratulations again."
I thank her, and get dressed. Two babies. I'm having two babies.