TW: misscarriage
The rest of the night goes off without a hitch. A slight queasiness is ever present, a slight twinge of guilt in my chest lingers though. I didn't do anything wrong, so why do I feel so upset about Dr. Hart's reaction? I mean we are friends… aren't we?
I hear mumbles around me, I'm tucked into my covers. Who is in my house? I sit up, and Tori walks in. "Good! You're awake. I just picked you up some lunch and your medication."
I rub the sleep from my eyes. Looking around the room still reminds me of Tae. When he picked me up and took me to the shower. The worried look in his eyes from my painful period. How would he react now? Would he be just as doting? Did I even truly understand him? Is that actually who he is?
My phone has been silent, but last night I freaked thinking he was finally contacting me again. Hoping he would finally explain what happened. It wasn't him though, just Dr. Hart who told me he sent over the prescription.
"What's going on Rinnie?"
I face to look at Tori who I have been ignoring for the past 5 minutes. As soon as my eyes meet hers I begin to cry. A silent gut wrenching cry. A cry to let everyone know that I am giving up. I will move on. I won't think of Tae Woo again. She rushes to my side and holds me close.
"Tori, I think I'll accept your proposal and move in with you."
She pulls my face off of her shoulder and squishes my cheeks. "How scandalous, I can't move in with you until we are married, do you not think I am a proper gentleman?"
I smile, and it then turns into a bubbling laughter. Damn this pregnancy. I can't even keep up.
This is good though, I need to get out of this apartment. I need something new, and fresh. Maybe I can save some money to get my own place while living with Tori. I have a hefty savings already from Tae. It can be a place for the baby to grow up. That annoying pang hits me again. The baby. My baby. What should I do?
Me and Tori decide I'll move in with her this coming week. My lease ends in three weeks anyways. It gives me time to slowly move everything and clean up.
Zofran has been working wonders. I am back to work and I don't feel that much different. I am way more hungry and tired but if I shut out all of the thoughts of this pregnancy I can actually forget for a few hours.
It's 5 am now, and I am off in thirty minutes.
I can see that there is another pregnant woman waiting to be seen on the tracker. She is 10 weeks pregnant and is cramping. I know they will order a scan on her so I get my machine ready, impatient to finish her exam and leave for the day. Sure enough, within a few minutes the order pops up and I go and grab her.
I get a brief history, last period, total pregnancies which is 8, I feel my anxiety tick. If anyone asks me this, I should say 1. I've been pregnant. I brush through, "and how many live births?"
She looks longingly at her flat stomach and rubs it tenderly. "Hopefully this is my first". She smiles and I nod. Entering a 0 into my machine. I begin to scan her explaining I can't give any results and it will take about an hour for the Doctor to speak with her.
I begin, just like I have for the thousands of other ultrasounds I have done. My soul knows it's different, this is different. I feel it deep in my bones, my shaking legs are telling me to run. I resist, with every fiber of my being.
I watch the screen, and I see that 10 week old fetus that is loved already so much by its mother. While I am over here not even acknowledging the existence of mine. What a terrible mother I am. Completely ungrateful for the gifts given to me.
I finish the exam, entirely changed. I am a different person from the one who grabbed that mother from her seat. She is a different mother too. She just doesn't know it yet. I walk her back to the waiting room, and finish my paperwork. I grab my belongings and head towards the employee exit. I can hear the bustle of the hospital begin, it starts to wake as the sun rises.
I take a step out of the door and every wall I had put up falls down. To this day, I have never cried for any of my patients. In even worse circumstances, I never shed a tear. Clearly, I was not a mother then but I am now, so I cried. I cried because I didn't realize sooner that I wanted this baby. I cry for feeling like a terrible human, that I took for granted what I had. I cry that it took her misfortune to teach me that. I cry for her loss, and I cry for the loss of my previous existence.
Even though I feel like I can't do this, I will do it for my baby, and I will do it for that mother. The one that has lost all of her children.
I am keeping this baby. All of the anxious feelings leave with my recognition. I am keeping this baby. I wipe my tears even though they haven't stopped pouring.
I feel a tug on my arm, and let out a weak scream.
"Whoa whoa, I'm not here to scare you Rina. It's me Ben, I mean Dr. Hart."
I go still facing my car not wanting to expose my tears. Of course I knew his name was Ben. It just sounds so weird to be informal. I wipe my eyes again and smooth my hair but don't turn around.
"Hi Dr. Hart, is there something I can do for you?" My fake 'I am doing just fine' voice squeaks and I sound embarrassing.
"Um no, can I do something for you? You are crying. I've been calling out to you for a few minutes and you haven't responded. I was just worried, are you in pain? Is the nausea medication not working?"
I clear my throat. "It's working fine, I am just a bit emotional. I am sorry you had to see me lose my cool like that. Well I'll get going now. Thank you for your concern." I never turn to look at him and I begin to rummage for my car keys and unlock the car.
"Wait, Rina." He pauses. "Would you like to go get a cup of coffee.. What am I thinking? You can't drink coffee when you are pregnant. Let's go get tea, and bagels. Do you have time this morning?"