I'm looking at Tae with freshly dyed wet hair, a soft tear caress's his cheeks. I lift my hand to wipe it away. I had never been in a space so vulnerable and open. I took in a deep breath and sighed, the air feeling sparkling in my nose. Clean, fresh, and perfect.
"Tae, I can't acknowledge exactly how you feel, because our stories are so different. With that, I do feel like I understand the angst you felt. After my Mom died, I felt like I had to be a perfect daughter to my Dad. I never opened up about my hopes and dreams."
I continued, "I never wanted to do Ultrasound, it was a stable career. Medicine, always money in medicine. It was smart, dependable, and something my Dad wouldn't have to worry about. So I guess, what I am saying is that I understand where you are coming from."
"I always felt like I had to be perfect, and every time I wasn't a piece of my soul was chipped away. I feel hollow too, like I don't even know who I am anymore. What is my purpose? You know? I think about that a lot."
Tae nodded his head and tears ran down both of our cheeks, he lifted his sleeve and wiped them from my cheeks and cupped my chin. He began to speak, "I know what you are saying, everyone thinks I should be so happy. I have a perfect life, money, fame, and talent. I don't feel so happy though. I haven't had time to reach my dreams."
"What are your dreams?" I ask.
"I don't really know yet, I have some ideas. I just haven't had an opportunity to explore it. I can barely manage my idol schedule at the moment. I know it will calm down, and I can focus on plans."
"I thought you wanted to be an idol?"
"I did, I mean, I do. It's just sometimes you know you made the right choice but you need to make some wrong ones to be sure. I feel like that, I want to be sure. I want to be free."
"Me too, free from feeling like I have to do everything right. I'm selfish right now. I just want to live my life for me. I don't have parents to worry about, or kids. God am I glad I don't have any kids. I told myself that I would never have kids, and treat them like my Dad did. I couldn't do it, I couldn't be selfish anymore. That's why I won't have them. I need to be selfish. I would do everything to protect my child, and I don't have the energy for that anymore. Life has ruined me."
The thumb that was slowly rubbing my cheek tugged my head towards his. "I told myself the same thing. How could a parent ever hurt their child? I would be nothing like my parents. As I grow older though I realize that I might not be capable of being different from my parents. I'm too hurt, and broken. I'm better off not having kids, so I don't ruin them too."
The sparkling air turned still, and I leaned in. His soft lips grazed mine. We kissed for what felt like hours, all of the unspoken words from earlier, spoken. It was beautiful, and wet from tears. When we made love in the kitchen, I felt like our souls were able to touch each other.
I called off of work that week. Heaven was all I felt, as we enjoyed each other in every way. Mind, body, and soul. I dared to not think about the future, and let time go slow.
It had been three weeks, the shortest three weeks of my life. It was the fastest I had ever gotten to know anyone. What felt like a beginning, was actually just the ending.