Every human has this phase of maturity. A phase where he matures both emotionally and physically. He starts to understand more about the world, more about people, and even about his own emotions. That understanding keeps on increasing as he proceeds in life. It certainly seems something useful as the quicker you get aware of what's happening around you and how others think, the better and easier it is to live. But still, everything has a time. Every update also has a disadvantage, no matter if it's in a human or a machine. Timing is all that matters.
I never did once look at my maturity as a good thing. It is more like a curse. As if my brain is a plaything. My maturity was far too early. My childhood was way too wrecked. It was too unpleasant to feel the pain of an adult at a young age. I hate myself for that. I hate my craving for more and more experience. The 12-year-old me had already experienced everything 6 years before a normal human. It was painful. It was too painful. It's the worst curse. I couldn't control my emotions. I would think of things I can't do anything about. It was really difficult to even find a friend who I could create a good relationship with. Everything was in hardcore mode.
The ideas of giving up have been haunting me for years. Yet, yet my wish to experience everything to ever exist. It gets the best of me. Always ending up in complex situations. It's more of a habit of me at this point. There was a time I started to enjoy it, but I knew it was wrong. I regret too much. I never once did anything correct. Because of an early maturity, I expected everyone to see the way I do. I expected them to be understanding. I overestimated them. So, it always ended up in me loosing everyone one by one. After all I did to create a good student life, it only lasted a year. But it's not like I can blame someone. So, I started to blame it on my own curiosity.
But that too was a temporary fix. And soon that too was destructed. So, I blamed it on the emotion known as love. I thought maybe if I stop loving people, if I stop getting too close to them, if I just focus on one person. If I don't include any romance with that person. If I can just be friends with one person forever. Perhaps I could feel better. So, I started to ignore the world around me. I got rid of all m self cautiousness. I started to do everything to make that one person feel better. My life was dedicated to them. I trashed romance, so it doesn't ruin anything this time, but well, things never go the way I want them.
Soon I realized that people were against of my behavior. I was too clingy to one person and the worst part was, before being a friend, that person was a partner to someone. My obsessiveness was my killer. My thoughtlessness led to something even worse. My mood and emotions depended on a single person. A risky bet. And I lost that bet. The person I adored more than anyone, they too left me alone, miserable. Every emotion I had left in my heart, it was all caged. Thus, the first time in my life, I got the most unbreakable trauma ever. I lost trust in everyone. I lost expectations in everyone. I lost all my emotions. I lost all the people I loved. I lost all my friends. I was pushed back to the life of me as a 10-year-old. A total loner with no interest in the world.
I died inside. And my heart failed to motivate me to restart. Soon my heart gave up and so did my brain. I am both physically and mentally ruined. I can't think straight anymore. That massive shock left me with nothing but diseases. I started to lose memories, starting from the oldest ones. I ask myself if I still am a human. I pray for death every second. I pray for death every night. I've given up on life totally. It can't be fixed anymore. All the promises, they are broken along the bond. I am dead. It's all my fault for being dumb and forcing my expectations over someone else while being totally fair.
This world, it has taught me some things. I've been avoiding these facts for a long time, but I now accept them. Fairness is impossible. Love isn't unconditional. No matter how close you are with someone, if you're not their first priority, they can easily leave you. Keep your ideals to yourself. Humans aren't to be trusted. And the best possible way to survive with no such thing as regret is having backups all the time. It doesn't matter if they are files, some sort of toy, some sort of game or humans. Without backups, a person will always find trouble.
My mindset has been altered. I no longer see any human as an understandable or a great creature. Rather, they are stupid objects who are unable to grasp the situation in the very second. Humans are indecisive. They are stupid. They are no different from an instrument. Only beautiful when played with. I've learned this over 5 years of experience as the most used person. Only using others will get you to the desired good ending. Being cold is good. Using humans like they used you is good. Nothing else matters than your own well-being. Don't care about anyone else's feelings. I've ruined my life, by caring about others over myself.
But even with this mindset, I hate the idea of revenge. I don't want to consume any more energy on the people who I considered as friends. On the humans who betrayed me. To keep myself away from such incidents, I've come to one and only reliable method. I will use them. I will make use of everyone. I will make sure that I never go through this ever again in my life. My life is short, and I know that, so I will make sure to live the best of it. I don't want to live a pathetic life of these stupid humans. I'll be more advance. I'll be more tactical.
I despise humans.