"When negativity arises in ones' mind we do perform such kind of behaviours where self harming or talking to one self or aggressive behaviour or sometimes we do indulge in drinking or smoking habits which are injurious to health but the thing is that we don't give a damn about it. And the reasons that we give in such situations to defend ourselves are..
o please I just want to relax that's why I am drinking or smoking,
its okay to talk to oneself, because this way you won't feel alone,
i can't harm others because I care for them so that's why I hurt myself,
what can I do others provoke me that's why I become aggressive easily. Its quite normal,
what to do if sometimes I feel frustrated or irritated from these people or this world, I do get angry at others or myself and if I drink even a little in such situations then what mistake have I made?"
Though, I guess it is okay to do a little or a lot of all this to a certain extent, but what happens when all of this become a habit. What if while doing this we face difficulty in performing our daily life chores? Think about it once then answer to yourself, do you think its normal to behave like this or live like this? "
....
After listening to what father said, I leave his room and directly walk inside my room, then start changing my clothes and start getting fresh like a robot but my mind is working on a different level numerous thoughts are running in my mind, which are continuously provoking me to do something or should I say to break something or hurt myself. I am repeatedly seeing things like, a paper cutter, thin steel net mosquito door, granite stone of my study table and all I want to do is to punch on them to hurt my self.
I want to do is because I want to stop those voices which are echoing inside my head in a loop...
no body cares for you,
you are burden on them that's why they don't listen to you,
ohh you are such a looser, look not even your father wants to be with you or listen to you..
living such life is pathetic, see except Vihaa for now you have no one with you and mark my words when she will see what a pathetic looser you are or will be in future then she will leave you too,
and so on. These voices are very disturbing, they are provoking me to break something.
It took me forty minutes to finally getting fresh and once it was done, I leave my room then directly walk towards the granny's room with a water bottle in my hand, earphones and phone in my pocket. I half lay on the bed, start searching a mafia dark romance story on my phone at some online reading app. As soon as I found the suitable story, I start reading it and the moment I begin getting loss in the story then only I realize that voices has been stopped.
Around three in the morning the story finished, all exhausted I finally closed my eyes to sleep but at that moment I hear some shuffling from the beside bed and without thinking about anything in half sleep only I get up from the bed, walk towards her bed only to find her sitting on the bed and ready to stand then walk inside the washroom to pee. I helped her to get up, walk inside the washroom. After five minutes or so she come out, I help her to settle down on the bed then I myself lay down on my bed and as soon as I do so I fall asleep.
Next I woke up after three hours all exhausted and tired, I drag my self towards my room with my eye half closed. All I am thinking about at that moment, is to throw myself on the bed and then sleep, the moment I enter in my room I do what I was thinking few minutes back. After this next I woke up when I feel someone is shaking me, I open my eyes then groggily look up to see who is not letting me sleep and I found my father doing that.
In that state only I sit on the bed start rubbing my eyes, soon father initiated the conversation...
Father: Siya, you wanted to tell me something yesterday night?
Me: (Looking down only, with a yawn) Yeah I wanted to talk about the admission process of the university.
Father: Go ahead tell me, yesterday night I was busy so I want to listen it now.
Me: Okay but just give me sometime so, I could get fresh and eat my breakfast. After that only I will be able to talk to you.
Father: Okay you can do that but remember something, that when it comes to work then work should be done first, rest things like eating and drinking can be done anytime after that.
Me: Yeah I know but you should understand that, I want to use washroom immediately, brush my teeth and eat the breakfast because when I am hungry it is difficult for me to talk or be a part of any other kind of discussion.
Father: (Sighed frustrated, walking towards door of the door and just before existing the door) Huhhh you and your excuses.
I choose not to say anything, he also leave the room. I took a long deep breath and stand up from the bed start performing my daily routines in the washroom. While doing so, a thought randomly pop up in my mind...
"i can understand what father said was important but what can I do, with hungry stomach I am not to able to talk to people or have any kind of conversation with people. And this is such a small thing to understand, if I can understand his talk then why can't he do so? Will he ever understand me or why I behave in certain waves?"
It took me around twenty minutes but once I am done getting fresh, I leave the room and walk towards the dinning hall. As I reached there I found father sitting there, drinking his own coffee while reading the newspaper and mother is sitting there too eating her breakfast. On the table there are some extra food kept too for me probably, I go near the table and sit on the seat which is opposite to the seat that is in front of my father and mother.
I serve vegetable sandwich on the spare plate kept for me then I pour some juice in my empty glass, once getting satisfied from the quantity of my breakfast I start eating it. However, after the third bite of my sandwich, I hear the voice of newspaper getting fold and I start getting alert because I knew soon father will initiate the conversation. And this is what happened next but his words directed towards the mother..
Father: Hey wife, You know some people can't do any work with an empty stomach, in fact they are not even able talk to people.
even my mother knew it that, father is talking about me because the moment he said it I feel her looking at me. However, I choose to keep my mouth shut because, first I want to finish eating the food then I will talk. After eight minutes or so I finish eating my food, I look up at them then start talking...
Me: Yesterday I worked for hours on learning about the admission process and according to that, after a month initially I have to give the general entrance test, where main subject will be psychology. After passing the test next level will be, registration/admission process will begin, involving filling forms and paying the fees. When it will come to paying fees we can pay it in two instalments as in fifty percent of it now and then second one will be after first semester.
The course will be of two year, in the sixth semester I will be working on my thesis. After successfully doing it I will be post graduated.
I took a deep breath after completing my speech plus I also try to remember if I have missed any point. And thankfully I speak all of the things.
For five minutes or so no one speak up, I just look at them to know what running in their mind but before I could get a clear picture of it father initiated the conversation...
Father: Hopefully, this time you won't disappoint me, I am going to invest in your studies but still I am doubtful that you will be successful in it.
Me: (wow, what kind of encouragement is this. I worked so hard to get all of the information but look at it bro.. not a single word for appreciating my hard work and now he is telling me how much trust he has in me... my mind being sarcastic)
I am not going to give any kind of guarantee on my success or failure but I will try my best to be a successful one, this time.
Father: Okay, but lets wait for the result of the exam that you have given because only god knows whether you will pass it or not. When it is coming?
Me: Okay, tomorrow.
Mother: Now both of you stop talking and Siya take all of our plates in the kitchen then clean it. Once done with the work then you will be helping me in making lunch because your Aunts and their family coming for that today.
Me: Okay
And I start doing what she asked me to do while having a conversation with my mind...
Mind: Bro, finally you get the chance to speak and surprisingly they listen to you.
Me: Yeah, though I was surprised to but I guess it was okay.
Mind: However, I knew it they don't like or care for you, I mean see this not a single word of appreciation. In fact they still distrust you and speak out loud about it without caring about your self esteem.
Me: Yeah but what can I do, I think this is how things will work in future.
Mind: Whatever, during lunch you will be facing a Tsunami of relatives ad surely you will be exhausted emotionally and mentally.
Me: Yeah and the problem is they all will talk about their career, jobs and fashion topics which I never enjoyed. Then they will discuss about how everyone's life is going through, what are planning to do in future.
Mind: Yeah, I mean like seriously why to talk on such topics, its a kind of family gathering they why not sing, dance, laugh or play something rather then talking on these topics.
Me: But the point is nothing can save me from these things.
Mind: Yeah because you are a looser.
And I choose to shut my mouth because, somewhere I knew that he is right. Once dishes got cleaned mother start cooking the food and without any protest I helped her. After likely an hour or two we finally complete the task of making the lunch, once it was done I start walking towards my room to have some sleep because I am exhausted, tired from the last night. However, unfortunately the house bell ringed, I walk towards the gate to open it.
When I opened the gate seeing my Aunts their with their family, I tried to smile as widely as possible and move a bit aside to welcome all of them inside the house. The moment all of them stepped inside, I heard a sentence echoing inside my head...
HERE, THE FUN BEGINS.....
TO BE CONTINUED ........