Chapter 113 - Dear Emmeline

'We are the sum of our experiences.' Gilovich once said. Today we are merely a draft of tomorrow's man or woman. A product that is in constant refinement, chiselling, and perfecting. We are ever-changing, ever-growing, ever-learning creatures. Perpetual.
When we enter this world we're all innocent, naive little creatures, defenceless with no idea what will come our way. As we grow we quickly and painfully learn that every rose, no matter how beautiful and delicate it is, has its thorns.
And as we grow, we learn how to build walls to protect ourselves from others, but not from the enemy within. And before you know it, we turn into this cold, barren, shell that walks around, speaks and behaves like a human being, but it is far from it.
We become devoid of any sentiment, and the spark that once pulsed within becomes dull.
Pain is the sole driving force. No one likes pain. You know it. I know it. It hurts. No one likes being hurt.
I know, I'm preaching to the choir. I'm not telling you anything new. This is a testament that I leave behind in the event of my untimely demise. I have never been one to care whether I live or die. Nevertheless, lately, I have become preoccupied with thoughts that I had never entertained prior.
You know as well as I do, no matter how well you plan. We cannot foresee that has yet to come. Nature is a cruel mistress. And more often than not, has a tendency to burn the forest in order to save one rabbit.
It is peaceful up here, in the clouds. A deep sense of serenity that is difficult to find on solid ground among people.
I was never one of those children, at least I don't think I was. Nor, do I remember a time when I was anything close to being innocent.
You and I, both know that, but lately has become clearer than ever.
I fear, not for myself. For the first time, I no longer see the path laid ahead of me. I have tried many a time.
I have lost sight of my purpose, and the reason why I have clawed my way up.
I was 10 when her mother put her in my arms for the first time. I can remember it as if it was yesterday. The most beautiful baby, with jet black hair, and eyes resembling a deep-water abyss. I wondered how something so small, and defenseless could hold so much power when it can't even speak its mind.
That was the first time, I looked at Enid and begged her with my eyes to keep her.
I can still remember the consternation in Enid's eyes, and her immediate reaction, followed by the simple word no. I never knew that a syllable could hold so much power until that day.
Absolutely adorable, is the only thing that comes to mind. I still remember the tiny hands grappling at my sleeve, not wanting to let go. It feels like a lifetime away, now. And that was the first and last time, I saw those eyes.
I don't remember a time when I felt at peace with myself. Perhaps, I was never meant to find it. I don't know. Moments of pure, unbridled joy are a rare find in this day and age. Once we taste it, we relentlessly seek for more. Some find it in the little things. For me, the little things have never been enough to satisfy my appetite.
Over time, I have made many mistakes. As you once said- in everything we do there is a lesson to be learnt. And if we have learnt nothing from our failures, then we are bound to repeat it.
That thought always makes me smile.
At this point, you're wondering where I'm going with this and rightly so.
I've seen many things in this lifetime, experienced and done awful things in the name of taking what's rightfully mine without compunction.
I've never felt more suffocated in my entire life by the invisible noose around my neck.
I know, I'm rambling. Just bear with me, and maybe by the time I reach the end, it will make more sense. At least, that is what I'm hoping will happen.
Recently, I have committed one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I'm not seeking forgiveness, where there is none to give or to receive. I've always thought that there is no hope for me, and yet I find myself searching for the little light that will show me the way out of the darkness.
I have every reason to believe that after twenty-something years, I may have found something I never thought I needed.
I don't regret making said mistake. For a moment, I lost sight of the implications and allowed myself to drift into unknown territory. Not my favourite place as you already know.
None has gone according to the plan I initially made.
So much has changed since we last saw each other. More and more, I find myself in need of your council.
Returning to the previous way of life seems impossible at this very moment. Maybe with time, I'll find a way to readjust to the new reality, but I highly doubt it.
I'm plagued by a deep sense of guilt. I have betrayed the trust of the only man that had ever given me a fighting chance. If it weren't for his actions, I would probably be sustenance for the worms by now-compost to keep more deserving beings alive on this floating rock in space.