Craig
There are a lot of people in the world who make dumb decisions. A lot of dumb people, if you will. I believe there are levels of stupidity. Here in this moment? Beck was possibly one of the dumbest people on earth.
Olivia came and got me from the room Lily and I were in, interrupting our drunken make-out session. She explained that she found Beck and Stella together in the bathroom and didn't want to deal with whatever he was up to.
I angrily went to the bathroom, following her lead, to find Beck, clearly sick and on the floor. She left me to deal with the damage.
"What's going on?" I say, closing the door before grabbing Beck, in an attempt to lift him off of the floor.
"You can't say anything," he says, turning the faucet on. He looked at me as if he needed a response.
I nodded. "Sure, but I hope it's not what I think," I say, feeling nervousness overcome my body.
He began to speak in a quiet voice, "Stella came in. I was feeling sick, but she caught me as I was going to leave. All of a sudden, she was giving me head, bro." he said, holding his hands up slightly, in surrender.
I looked at him, blankly. "All of a sudden?" I say, raising an eyebrow.
He stared at me for a moment. I could see in his eyes that there wasn't any hint of sobriety. I took his arm, leading him to the room where he had placed his things, hours ago.
I managed to get him a new pair of clothes, comfortable enough for him. Once he was cleaned up and changed, he seemed together enough to explain his activities with Stella. I was disappointed, to say the least, but I invited him to join me outside for a nicotine break to discuss the topic more.
"I won't say anything on one condition," I say, looking at him as we sat on the porch.
He averted his gaze to me, taking a quick hit of his smoke, "What?" he says quietly.
"You tell her. Like, eventually." I said, adjusting myself in my seat, "And I say that because it would just be so stupid to let something like this get out of hand before it even begins." My tone becomes more serious.
Beck's face noticeably becomes more upset. He didn't say anything. Just say back and took another drag of his cigarette. I watched him, staying silent for a moment, in hopes of an answer.
"Why do you care about this so much, Craig?" he says, finally ending the awkward silence.
"Because I care about you. We can't keep making stupid decisions. One day, there's gonna be actual consequences to them." I say, shaking my head, "You /have to give a shit, like just a little bit bro." I let out a small laugh, trying to clear the tension for a moment.
He smiled a bit. "I do. I'm just stupid when I drink. I'll tell her." he says, but not in a believable enough tone.
"That would be ideal. I can't keep a secret like that from Lily." I say, tossing my cigarette after I had finished the last hit of it.
"How are you guys? You don't seem to talk about her all the time anymore. It's a little weird on my end." he teased.
I sit back in my seat, sinking slowly into it. This was the conversation I'd been avoiding for some time. My relationship with Lily had been different lately.
Ever since we started talking about our futures more, it's kind of a constant disagreement. She believes my wanting to go to New York is a little bit unrealistic and she doesn't want to live that life. I can't argue.
If she's in a completely different part of the states though, I don't see us working out. Not successfully at least. I just can't live with not seeing the person I'm dating, whenever I can.
She has so much potential that I don't think I will ever equate to her. Not even after college. If she stayed with me, I would only be holding her back. Which I just can't stand to do.
I let out a soft exhale. "I honestly don't think it's going to work out. Not anymore." I say softly, looking down.
The energy became melancholy around us. "What did I miss, Craig?" Beck says, sounding more invested.
"Nothing, honestly. I just think that once she sees what's out there, or who she could be after going to Dartmouth, is she really gonna want me, Beck? C'mon. Be foreal." I say, interlocking my fingers together as I rest them on my stomach, slouching more.
"It's not realistic." I let out a soft, sarcastic laugh.
It was silent again. This time quiet enough to hear all the critters outside.
"I really don't think she feels the same, Craig," he says. "Do you not have any faith in your relationship at all?"
I look at him, "I do. I'm just scared. Being apart leads to you growing apart. When you grow apart, you meet other people." I sigh, "It would be a matter of time before she found someone to do everything for her that I can't. I'm not ready to go through that." I say, reaching into my pocket, feeling for my pack of cigarettes.
He watches me, "You're serious.." he says. I continued to get out a cigarette, nodding.
"Craig, she loves you. Just tell her what you're telling me," he says.
I raise a brow, turning my head to him as I lower the cigarette from my mouth. I begin to laugh, "You got a lot of nerve dude. Do you recall what I just removed you from?" I suggest.
He shakes his head, half smiling. "Whatever. I'm just saying. What you guys have, it's different." he says, running a hand through his hair.
He was right about telling her. I just was trying to avoid what could possibly be another argument. Or worse, a breakup. If we were going to separate, I would want it to wait. Just a little.
The past year and some time that I've spent with her has made me realize who I am, and even better, who I want to be. And that's a Filmmaker. In New York City.
In theory, Lily would be with me. In real life, she's off in Hanover, studying biomedical engineering. Two different worlds. It would only make me feel like more of a terrible person if I made her stay with me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think she secretly felt the same.
We sat outside for so long, we got to catch the sunrise. We also got alerted on our phones that a storm had decided to head our way, and we didn't want to be stuck for the rest of the weekend. So it was best we left early.
Everyone took the same way home, and Olivia and Jack would follow. I offered to drive home since Lily wanted to try and sleep a little bit. Beck and Penny sat in the back, quiet, but content.
We were about forty minutes into the drive already and I had thought I was alone, seeing as though everyone had closed their eyes.
Stopping at a light, I pick up my phone for a quick second, looking at a couple of messages from my parents, in a family group chat.
Before I knew it, I was interrupted by a light honk from the vehicle behind me. I quickly toss my phone on my lap, look at the road again, stepping on the gas.
I glance at Lily, seeing her eyes still closed. I then look at the road again before picking up my phone. This time, I linger a little longer.
"Craig!" Lily yells, making me look up.
I swerve to the lane beside us, as I couldn't break in time to not hit the car in front of us. We barely make it into the next lane as I begin to hear Lily.
"This is why I tell you not to look at your phone when you drive. Do you not care?" Lily says loudly, making me grip the wheel a bit.
"I care, I'm sorry. I just got a little distracted. It's not gonna happen again." I say, placing both hands on the wheel now, as I had put my phone away.
"Do you though? Because I have to tell you every time we drive. Like anywhere, Craig!" she begins to raise her voice more.
I feel myself getting frustrated as I begin to look for an exit. Finding one, I hurry to the first gas station and pull into the parking lot, off to the side.
"We're not doing this right now. Argue with yourself, Lily." I say, turning the car off.
I look into the rearview mirror to see our friends awake, visibly uncomfortable. Beck and I make eye contact to say he should probably go.
He opens the door, leading to Penny doing so as well.
"You're insensitive. We have our friends in the car, Craig. Not just us. It's not the first time." Lily says, calmer now.
I close my eyes, resting my head on the headrest, "I said I was sorry Lillian." This time I barely get my words out.
"Yeah, but that's what you always say.." she says softly, sounding more upset.
I look at her, opening my eyes, "I'm.." I begin to speak, but I stop myself, sitting forward.
"You know something?" I look at her, "You never let anything go." I say, beginning to unlock myself from the seatbelt.
I reach for the door handle, wanting to get out of the car now as I see Olivia and Jack pull up behind us. Lily grabs my arm, making me look at her.
"I don't want you to get hurt, Craig. You don't listen and it's gonna kill you," she says, this time more serious.
I scoff, "I'm not gonna die. Stop being like that." I yank my arm away, disgusted. I begin to get out again, this time successfully.
I turn to face her, holding the car door, "And I do listen. In fact, I listen to everything. Everything about you and college. So much so, that I'm tired of listening now." I shut the door.
I begin to walk away before being met by Lily before I could even take a couple of steps. She got out of the car quickly enough that ran over to me, shoving my chest as a way to make me stop.
I grabbed her hands, clenching my jaw as I growl, "Stop it. We're in public." I snap.
She looks up at me, tears in her eyes, "You're an asshole. You never wanna talk about our future." she said, snatching her hands away.
"It's kind of hard when we're gonna be miles away from each other, Lily," I say, staying close by to her.
"Then let's just stop," she says.
I feel my heart sink into my stomach before taking a deep breath, "Stop?"
"If you think that, then maybe we shouldn't even be together right now, Craig," she says, turning away.
I place a gentle hand on my stomach, clutching my shirt softly, "You breaking up with me?" I say, softly.
I feel the stares of everyone around me. So many witnesses. More embarrassing than any other experience by far.
"I don't know," she says, walking away.
She collected her things from the car before loading them into Jack's. I couldn't help but watch. There wasn't anything left to say at that point. I had to sit in my pride.
The rest of the ride home was agony. I kept replaying the argument in my brain. I felt so terrible that Penny and Beck had to see it that I just stayed silent.
That and I really wished I was alone so that I could be emotional.
Fortunately, Penny had to get home to her Aunt, which gave Beck the opportunity to come over. We had senior projects that we decided to work on together, but it was for sure just an excuse for me to complain to him about my Lily problems.
We arrived home quite early, which gave me the chance to clean up and prepare for the week ahead, early. Hours passed before Beck arrived, but it felt longer. I wrote a song, did some homework, and even had dinner.
All this, but not one text or call from her. Although my pride was high, my desperation is higher. All I wanted was for her to acknowledge me. Especially after all the calls I left.
Yet in the same breath, it also felt oddly refreshing, not having to answer to anyone. Refreshing, yet lonely, but still.
Around nine at night is when he finally graced me with his presence. He showed up with a joint ready to smoke and a six-pack of beers in hand. As comical as could be, as per usual.
We set up shop in my bedroom and began to digress.
Thanks for coming over on such short notice. I kinda needed it." I say, shuffling through some of my things.
Beck nods, "No big deal." he adds a shrug. "Have you spoken to Lil?" Beck said, reading some of his papers.
"No. Not once." I say, doing the same with my work.
He stops, looking up from his papers, "You good?"
I shrug, "Good as I'll get. There isn't much I can do, Beck." I say, trying to laugh it off.
I sigh, looking at him, "Look, am I happy? Absolutely not." I set my things down, "It's just that, some things happen for a reason." I say, trying to sound optimistic.
I continue, "Besides, if it's we're meant to be, we'll come back to each other one day.
Beck smiles, "Just go with your gut. That's what you always tell me." he says.
I half smile, "Yeah. But unfortunately, life is life, and you get what you get." I sit back, tossing my papers onto the table, "That's what I get since I got saddled with someone whose parents care about every career move she makes." I glance at the floor, processing the conversation.
Beck's smile slowly fades, "Well now it just sounds like you're just putting up with her." he says, chuckling softly.
I laugh back, quietly, sitting up again, shaking my head, "No, I love her." I sigh, "But she's a. lot of maintenance, that I'm honestly not sure I have it in me anymore to keep up." I say, bringing my lips to a small purse, and looking down.
"Maybe I'm falling a little out of love," I say, softly. "But I'm not ready to end things right now. Like this."
He nods, slowly, "Don't you feel like you're wasting her time though? Just a little?" he suggests.
I say nothing.
The room was quiet for a moment before I broke it again, "How about you and Penny? Have you talked about anything?" I say.
He shakes his head, finally putting his papers down, "No. And I'm not looking forward to it." he looks at me, "I am gonna ask her to homecoming though." he smiles.
"That's probably not the smartest idea, Beck," I say, laughing a little.
"I know, but I'm just gonna find a time to talk to her. I just don't wanna ruin anything right now," he says, resting his elbows on his legs.
"Just be honest. Like you usually are. Why act different now," I say, furrowing my brows. At this point, he was being a player for fun.
He glances at me, continuing, "I like her. I just wanna see how things go. Maybe she's good for me."
"You sure aren't acting like you like her. At least not with Stella around." I say.
He looks at me before looking away. Silence filled the air again, the tv audio lingering in the background.
Beck had always been a loyal, honest guy. Something changed when Penelope came around. Don't get me wrong, she's cool, but something within him isn't, now. Very similar to how he got with his ex. It's like he loses all sense of reality. This time though, he's not caring about anyone but himself. I just hope he isn't on the brink of another breakdown.