Penny
I'll have to admit that I'm happier than usual. That alone is something I haven't had in a long time. I have student council now, with Lily, and I've gained a couple of new friends. I think the best thing though is that Beck asked me to homecoming. All things that any seventeen-year-old girl could want.
Homecoming has me so enthralled, I can't stop thinking about it. My Aunt Sarah was sweet enough to buy my dress too, which made for a really cutesy shopping trip for Lily and me.
Since we got back from the cabin trip, it's been nonstop studying and school activities. I haven't gotten to do much of anything recreational.
Honestly, it's great because the anticipation for homecoming just gets more and more intense, every day. I do miss Beck though. He's such a positive force, even though I just met him.
When he asked me to homecoming, he bought me flowers. Now I can't stop thinking about the smell of them.
There's just one thing. I can't seem to shake it. Myself.
A long while ago, I decided I wanted to try and be healthier. Once upon a time, I wasn't always the thinnest person. I wasn't unhealthy, I would say. I certainly wasn't good-looking by societal standards, though.
I hated myself. Loathed, even. So one day, I gave up everything. I started eating so healthy, even my doctor was taking notes. I went from a size sixteen to a size four.
It took a bit of time. Years, actually. I got very invested. Unhealthily invested. I was counting and reading every last number and ingredient on any kind of packaging. Carbs, sodium, sugars, you name it. Nothing was off limits.
I was so invested, I decided that counting and reading just weren't enough. I had to stop eating. So I did. It lasted for longer than it should've.
At some point, my dad found out. I had to get help, and I did. It was something that I was sure I could leave in the past. Especially because I moved around a lot.
For the first time, in a long time, I've had that funny feeling again. But this time, I can't stop eating. I feel like a disgusting pig.
For a while, I've not been paying much attention to what I eat. Unfortunately, I've binged a lot. So for the past week, I've laid off the food. Like a lot. Call me what you want, but I wasn't disappointed with the results. I practically lost a pants size. Exactly what I needed to actually fit into my dress. I just really need to keep my secret, a secret. This time, at least.
After school, I promised Lily I would help her with more homecoming planning. Last-minute touches on catering, counting tickets, or anything else she wanted to do. My job had mostly been selling and counting the tickets, which has been incredibly stressful. I'm usually great at being organized, but I can't help but to feel distracted by my personal life.
"So, we have everything. We have food, we have music, the tickets are ready, and we have our outfits. We're ready, Pen!" Lily said, holding her arms up in excitement.
I laugh quietly, smiling at her. "Yes, we are. I just had a question. Not to dull the moment though.." I say, softening my tone.
Lily looks at me, her smile dropping, "If this is about Craig, no I haven't talked to him yet. Why do you insist that I do?" she says, huffing.
"Because Lily, it's /kinda serious. You guys can't just drop it there. You can't honestly tell me you don't miss him or want to work it out?" I say, collecting papers on the table that I was sitting at.
"I do. I miss him, more than anything," she says, turning to me to sit at the table. "But he really hurt my feelings. I want him to understand what was wrong with everything about that whole situation, Penelope." she continued, looking down.
"I want him to take me seriously," she whispers.
I frown, just a bit, listening to her words. I honestly don't know what love feels like. Not romantically. But if this is a part of it, I don't want it.
"So tell him. Get closure or something." I say.
"Well I was thinking of talking to him, but I'm also embarrassed. My feelings might be hurt, but I acted so stupid," she says, sounding frustrated.
"Okay, but he should understand." I stand up, crossing my arms as I begin to slowly pace, before turning to her, "Craig isn't a saint either, Lily." I added.
"Maybe we just shouldn't be together!" Lily says, more frustrated, seemingly with herself. She panted softly, obviously overwhelmed by this idea.
"Maybe it's best that this happened, and I just need closure. I just don't want that. I wanna be together. I know it's corny, and maybe even irrational, but I don't care." she says.
"Yeah, but you know /why it probably isn't gonna work, right? It's not logical." I tell her.
"I wish we could just be young and in love. Why can't it be unproblematic?" she whined.
I sigh, "It wouldn't be logical if it wasn't?" I laugh softly.
She laughs back as we take in the moment.
She sighs, and we look at each other, "Subject change?" I say, biting my lip.
"Do you have birthday plans?" she says, forcing out a smile.
I shake my head, fiddling with my fingers, "No. My aunt wants to take me to dinner sometime next week. I'm really not one to celebrate." I shrug.
We start collecting our things, getting ready to leave.
"Well, keep your birthday open for your new bestie. I have something we can do." she giggled.
I smile, nodding, "Sure, why not?" I joke.
Suddenly we were startled by Craig and Beck, running in, causing a scene. Beck approached me with excitement, wrapping an arm around me as he smashed his lips into mine, giving them the most passionate, sweet kiss. I give in, letting myself enjoy it. Just as I did, he pulled away.
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Craig, awkwardly greeting Lily. I look away, catching Beck's eye contact.
"You'll never believe what happened," he said, smiling widely.
I raise an eyebrow for a moment, "Principal Lewis finally cut his rat tail?" I laugh.
Beck let out a chuckle, shaking his head. "Better. We finally convinced him to let the band play a few songs at homecoming." he continued smiling.
"Yeah, as long as we cut the bad words out, he's down with it," Craig says, looking at us.
Lily nodded, implying that she was impressed, "Nice, nice. That's no surprise though." she smiled, trying to avoid eye contact with Craig.
I grin, hugging Beck's side, squeezing it, "That's so cool. You can show off your skills." I say, looking up at him.
I let my eyes wander to Lily, clearing my throat, "So Beck, I haven't seen you in like forever, how are you?" I say, slowly pulling him to the side, in hopes that Lily and Craig would talk.
"What? We just saw each other at lunch, weirdo." Beck says, chuckling.
I smile, whispering, "Yeah, I know. I just want them to talk." I say, looking at him.
He took a moment to look at them before turning his head back to me. "Well played." he half smiled.
"So listen, I was thinking, we haven't gotten to really spend any time together recently. I mean I know we text and sometimes talk on the phone. It's just not really the same..." he says, licking his lips, "And I can't speak for you, but I love hanging out with you." he finished, raising his eyebrows as he gently took my hands into his.
I struggle to control my body language, my face turning red as I'm unable to look him in the eyes.
I nod, "Yeah." I say, quietly.
"You wanna hang out now? Go and grab something to eat? I have my mom's car today. I have to pick her up later, but I got some time?" he says, gesturing to the door.
I glance at Lily and Craig, talking away. I look at Beck. I really didn't want to eat. He had me in the first part, honestly.
I hesitate to speak, "Right now?" I smile shyly, "Can we raincheck? I'm just not hungry." I place a hand on my stomach, "I had a big lunch. Maybe coffee?" I say.
"All you had was a peach and maybe a couple of almonds for lunch, and you ask me, it's making me hungry just thinking about that," he says, laughing softly.
I place one hand on my forearm, rubbing it as I shake my hair out of my face, looking away.
"Woah, I'm sorry. You're serious. What's wrong? " he said, immediately concerned.
I snap out of my trance, "Nothing, I'm fine." I smile. "Really," I say.
He nods, slowly. "So, coffee?" he asked.
I nod, "Yes. Let me just grab my things and I need to use the bathroom really fast." I flash a quick smile, and grab my bag from the chair, beginning to put my things in it.
"Well, I'm gonna wait in the car," Beck says. We take a glance at one another for a moment, sharing a smile before he left.
I rushed out of the office, quickly shuffling to the girl's restroom. I hurried into a stall, practically slamming it closed, and ripping my bag open.
I tossed some things around, mostly laxatives, school supplies, and menstrual products. Finally, after searching for a moment, I unveiled what I wanted.
It was a snack. A bag of mini soft cookies. I couldn't help myself. I needed to fill up. Beck was right. I was fucking starving. Empty and unfueled.
Sure. I finally had the body I wanted. I got compliments on my looks. I just took it too far. Now I'm in so deep, I'm drowning. Not to mention the constant feeling of being the fat fourteen-year-old version of myself. The ugly Penelope. She haunted me. She was the real me.
I don't think I could ever return to her. To that life. I could feel the judgment and hate, melting and oozing off of anyone who even batted an eye at me. Beck would never be with that girl. He would never accept me that way. I don't think so, at least.
I threw my bag down, sitting on the floor of the restroom now as I pulled the Pillsbury bag open. I didn't hesitate to grab a couple of cookies out at once, shoving them all in my mouth.
I didn't allow myself to finish chewing before adding more to my mouth, feeling my face become red hot, and my eyes blurry, as they filled with tears.
I whimper softly, looking inside the little bag, finding it was empty. I let myself finish the food in my mouth, swallowing it as I turn my head to the toilet.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I let the bag drop from my lap, sitting up as I take the toilet bowl in hand. I take two fingers, looking at them before inhaling deeply, shoving them in my mouth and down my throat.
Everything came up. Everything from today, which wasn't much.
I began to dry heave, coughing. This time I close my eyes, trying the same technique, but not successfully. I start the cry, trying to contain my volume.
It wasn't working how I wanted. I needed to get more out. It just wasn't enough. It would never be enough. Not for me.
It was possible that Beck asking me that was triggering. But how would he know about my problems? I would never tell him that I hate who I was and I hate who I've become.
There's just no middle ground.
Beck
I ended up running into a teacher, that I'd been meaning to speak with, as I was headed out to leave the school. As I finished talking to him, I decided to head towards the girl's bathroom, seeing as Penny hadn't come out.
It had been a moment. I mean a decent one. Long enough for me to grow curious. When I headed toward that way, I began to hear the sound of hurling. It sounded like it hurt too.
"What the hell.." I mumble to myself, slowly approaching the entrance of the bathroom. I slowly look around, sighing before taking a small step in, just enough to say in a loud voice, "Penelope?"
I wait a moment, hearing some coughing. I furrow my eyebrows, as I get no response. "Hm.." I huffed to myself, walking out.
I stuff my hands in my pockets. I know she's in there, but I'm not some perv. I'll let her have her privacy. Even though it sounds like she needs help.
I wonder why she wouldn't just tell me she wasn't feeling well though. I would've understood. I just figured that maybe she'd want an actual meal. Like something hardy. She says she hates school food anyways. Nothing like a nice meal after school is out for the day, in my opinion.
I pace for a moment before Penny comes rushing out, startled by my presence.
"Hey, you good? You know you could've told me you weren't feeling good Penny." I say, placing a gentle hand on her back.
Her face was pale and her hair a bit disheveled. She looked down, fixing her hair and clothes, "What do you mean?" she says, now looking at me, "I'm fine." she smiles, weakly.
I stare at her for a second. I'm not sure if this is the part where I argue with that. I nod, "Okay." I say, softly, beginning to walk outside.
I know she's lying. I hope it's not my mind running wild like always, but this seems like more. I don't want it to be, but she is really small in size, already. I don't understand why she would want to be smaller. Even if she wasn't, she's still hot. I actually think she'd feel better if she gained a little bit of weight.
I help her into the car, then got myself into the driver's seat. The silence is so loud, it's painful.
If this is a problem, it's not something I can put her on the spot about. I need to observe a little more before I start accusing her. I know I didn't like it when people did that to me in the past. You never out someone about their problems or addictions that way. It makes it worse.
If anything, I need her to trust me, and by putting her on the spot, I'm losing any chance of me gaining that, fully. I just need to be a good guy. For once. I have the opportunity to do that.
I start the car, beginning to process the situation for a moment.
"We can go to Barnes and Noble? Get books and coffee." I smile, trying to lighten the mood.
She smiles, "I do love a good book." she giggles. I continue to smile, staying silent as I drive off.
When we arrived, Penelope got an iced latte of some sort, with cold foam. I just got a refresher. Coffee and I have never gotten along. But chicks dig coffee, and I dig chicks. So it evens out.
I let her look around for a little before starting the conversation again, as I wanted to let the mood change. She seemed tense up until this moment. Which I guess I understand.
We found a nice table in a corner after I bought her two books. One was something about the mind and healing, while the other was a romance novel of some sort. It seemed like pretty typical choices for her, honestly. This a perfect example of how her mind works.
"So did you finish getting your suit for the dance?" she says, taking a sip of her drink.
I lean my elbows on the table, fiddling with my hoodie strings, "Not exactly. I'm still a little too lanky for them." I chuckle softly.
She smiles widely, letting out a small laugh as she speaks, "Must be so hard being a twizzler."
I smile, blushing slightly, "Yeah, well..." I say, chuckling more.
I look at her, continuing to talk, "I can't wait to see what you're gonna wear. I'm excited to see you dressed up. I mean you look great all the time, really. Like today..." I say, continuing to look at her. She seems to always have trouble making eye contact.
"Thanks, Beck. I changed like four times today, though," she says, sounding slightly annoyed with herself.
"It would've been great, regardless. You know that, right?" I say, sitting back.
She takes a quick look at me before half smiling as she says, "Yeah."
"You second guess yourself a lot," I say.
"Well... I guess I just haven't really ever been sure of anything. So I tend to do it a lot. With almost all my dilemmas." she says, laughing and sighing.
"Yeah, but isn't that kind of exhausting?" I respond.
"It can be. But it's an internal thing, I guess. I 'me' problem, as they say." she says, now looking at me.
"Doesn't seem like it's stumped you much. You got this far, somehow?" I smile, assuringly.
"You say that, but be real, Beck. You only know me, surface level." she smiles back.
I smirk, "So let me dive deeper. I will if you let me." I lean forward with my statement, waiting for her response.
Her face turned bright red as she couldn't help but just smile and nod. This amused me.
"So for your birthday. I'm excited." I smile.
She furrows her eyebrows, "Why's that?" she says.
"I'm not allowed? I'm eighteen already. Now you get to be with the big dogs." I laugh.
She raised her eyebrows this time, laughing as she mocked me in a deep voice, "Big dogs?"
I lick my lips, "Whatever.." I chuckle, "I'm also really eager for you to see the band play. I know you heard demos and whatnot, but it's so different live." I say.
"No, I can't wait. I really wanna see you do what you love, in real-time," she says, smiling as she took another sip of her drink.
I took a sip of mine, letting us pause for a second. I couldn't stop thinking about the bathroom situation earlier.
"So, I just wanted to talk, seriously. I don't mean to be overbearing if I am. I just want you to know, you can talk to me. About anything. I won't judge you." I grab her hand across the table, speaking calmly.
"I know.." she says, sort of giggling softly."
I smile, talking more, "Yeah, but like... we're more than friends now, I would assume. So ai just want you to be comfortable. I have so many unpleasant things about myself that I have yet to even tell you." I say, laughing quietly.
Her face became intrigued as if to tell me to say more.
"Well, like, I'm on some medications that make life a little more tolerable for me." I inhale, continuing, "When I was sixteen, my mom introduced me to my dad. It was the first time we met. She said he left when I was younger because he was sick." I sigh, sitting back, and looking down now.
"So when I met him, I assumed he would be down bad, like cancer or something. Instead, he was really high. And when we went to sleep on Christmas night, he took all the presents and left." I look at her, "I was so mad. He wasn't anything that I thought he was gonna be, and we had a super shitty holiday.." I chuckle softly.
Penny frowns, "Oh my god, Beck, that's awful. I'm so sorry." she says, in a serious tone.
I shake my head, "There's more. So when the break ended, I was really upset still, but time went on and I harbored those feelings. I started becoming really angry. Then summer came. Some night not too long after the school year ended, he died. He overdosed on heroin." I look at Penny now, "I wasn't sure how to feel. I fixated on the idea that he chose drugs over me. I became obsessed with it. I felt like I made him do it, in some way." I say.
"But that's not true.." Penelope says.
I smile, "I know. I just had to go through lots of therapy. I ended up having somewhat of a mental breakdown. I tried to do something drastic. So my mom got me help. I got on some medication for my anger and for obsessive-compulsive disorder. This school year is like the first time I feel normal again, actually." I smile more.
"You're really a trooper for that. I don't think my mind could take a hit that way. Your mom seems really amazing." she says, nodding.
"My point is, Penny is that you aren't alone if you're going through anything." I take another sip of my coffee, continuing, "And now, speaking of my mom, I just remembered that I have to pick her up from work." I begin to laugh.
Penny's face lights up, grabbing her things, "Shit, let's go, I'm so sorry!" she laughs softly. I gather my things along with her and we begin to leave.
I really hope that our conversation resonates with her. I don't want to be worlds apart, emotionally. That's why my last relationship ended. Truth is, my love language is connecting on a deeper level.
She seems to have so much more inside. Now I'm even wondering if I should tell her about Stella at all. I've been holding out for so long, I feel like the walking version of 'Big Fat Liar'. Not in a good way.
I'm gonna have to fess up eventually. I just need to figure out how and when. I just need to get through her birthday and homecoming with no major setbacks.