Stella
So far this year, it feels like all I've done is made some of the most stupid decisions I ever could have. The only good thing so far? Dance Squad. For once I feel like I can fit in with a group of people that aren't so different from me. The best part? I can do it next year too. Thank god it'll be my last.
Since I was a little girl, I've been quite proficient in art. Something I grasped from my mother. As if /that matters, dance was never my forte. Thank god for Dani joining with me, otherwise, I could never tolerate the toxicity and fakery.
Homecoming will be a nonfactor for me this year, as I'm simply just not interested. Much like I haven't been interested in anything this school year. I've skipped most of my classes so far.
I don't do dances anyways, but it wouldn't really be supportive of me to miss out on what Lily put together. At this point, I'm starting to wonder if that matters either.
When Penelope came, it kind of left my friendship with Lily in the dust. Not that we were ever that close, but I honestly thought were a little more bonded than she let on.
I could just hang out with friends at the dance. That's entirely possible. Except, a part of me feels like I might have butchered that possibility when I drunkenly topped off Beck at the cabin. I'm still so embarrassed.
I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed as much as I'm not looking forward to the rejection talk. Which still has yet to happen and we're already halfway through the week.
The only interaction we've had is awkward eye contact, followed by an acknowledgment, or I just catch him creepily staring at me. That normally would be fine, if I didn't know the context behind it. Or at least why I /think he does it.
The one thing that I'm sure of though, is that I'm so /sick of hearing about Penelope. It's all I feel like anyone is ever talking about whenever I'm talking to anyone anymore. She's like a disease.
I could totally use what I've done to my advantage. I just don't think I've reached that level of bitch. Not yet at least.
I really want to like Penelope, in all honestly. I just don't see the reasoning. She'll graduate before I know it, and I'll be moaning about someone else who gets on my nerves.
The real issue this year is how the dance squad is already kicking my ass and we're only two weeks in. I completely overestimated my stamina and I'm paying for it.
I've been focusing more on dance and less on other things since my disastrous weekend, and Dani and I have spent more time together. Something I haven't been as appreciative of as I should've been.
Dani is really the only person who knows about my home life. I like to keep it that way. We met when I moved here and she found out pretty fast about how my dad is.
Since she gets me, it feels nice. We started heading to practice together, as we did today. This time more or less just stretching for once.
"So you're done with him, right? Like after all the shit this weekend, I don't have to hear about it anymore?" Dani says, smiling sweetly.
I smile back, sarcastically, "Funny." I exhale, speaking as I stretch, "Your wish is probably coming true. I don't have a choice." I say.
She looks at me, also stretching, "Well good. It's about time you moved on from someone who doesn't even give you the time of day. Unless, y'know." she shrugs.
I look at her, "Really?" I expressed, sort of laughing.
"Sorry, no offense. Just saying," she says, laughing back. "Besides, if we're gonna stay on this team, we have bigger fish to fry since we're gonna be hot shit." she smiled, looking at me, "Even Delaney Stevens won't be able to stop us," she added, looking towards a fellow dance member, who had been gossiping with a group of other girls on the team.
I let my attention turn to Delaney, who happened to be twirling her hair, acting like she studied a book on Regina George. Dani and I laugh at the scene.
"No, probably not. Unless she magically grows a brain." I say, optimistically, shrugging.
We both laugh more, soon interrupted by the captain, calling practice to an end. Dani and I collected our things and began to leave, together. We began talking more as we made our way to the front of the building.
"Oh yeah, I meant to ask you. Are you going to homecoming? Or were you going with anyone?" Dani said, walking alongside me.
"If I am, it's news to me," I say, jokingly.
She rolls her eyes and gives me a side hug, before pulling away. "Let me know, maybe we can go together." she smiles, "Or you can go with a cute guy." she continued, giggling as she began to walk the opposite way, headed towards her bus stop.
She was on it joking, but maybe she's right. I have options if I really wanted. I just don't really see the reason. I don't need a date. They're probably only going to get on my nerves and make me turn in early for the night.
I finally ended up home, after a long Metro ride and a pleasant ten-minute walk in the rain. I put the key in the door, and quickly got myself inside, kicking my shoes off.
I gaze around the small apartment, my father and I share, to find him, face planted on the dining room table, joined by empty alcohol bottles and a couple of gin glasses. The good thing about this is this means I have time alone. I hardly get that.
Once upon a time, my parents were happily married. Sadly that's only a fraction of my life that I don't remember much of, and probably never will. My dad started drinking heavily when I was in elementary school, and one day, I guess my mom was over it.
She was so over it, she left the both of us. It wasn't like that at first. I'd stay with her at my grandma's sometimes. Weekends, here and there. Or she would surprise me and take me somewhere cool, like the zoo.
Then one day she just stopped coming. By that time, my dad had started to sober up. Just in time for me to start ninth grade.
That didn't last very long though. By the summer before my sophomore year, he started again, but this time, way more intense.
We ended up moving because of too many DUIs he had received. On top of crashing into a local student where we lived. To be frank, they didn't make it. This didn't help my reputation at all. Unfortunately, it followed me.
Things are different with us now, only because I'm seventeen, a junior. Or in his words, "I'm old enough for him to put his hands on me."
For now, I've learned to keep my mouth shut. If nothing is said, nobody can be wrong or hurt. I stay in line.
It sounds awful. It is. I just keep hoping that I can make it one more year.
I did my normal evening routine that entailed a shower, facial and curl treatment for my hair. All of which only takes about forty minutes. Not long after, I began to settle into something more comfortable and made my way to my bed.
Sitting on the edge, I pick up my phone and unlock it. It immediately opens to Facebook, showing my timeline. I refresh it, revealing a new photo, posted by Chase Campbell.
I examined it for a moment. It was him and two dance team members on each side of him. They had their hands on their hips with their backs facing the camera, looking back at it. Quite literally too. So demeaning.
I won't say that I don't think Chase is attractive. He is. He just needs his roots done and less pride. I do think he's probably not that bad of a person though. Most people who act like that are fronting anyways.
I scroll past before my phone begins to ring from a FaceTime call. Olivia.
With no hesitation, I answer. "What's up?" I say, slouching as I'm still at the edge of the bed.
"Come out and hang at Jack's house. We'll come to get you," she said, visibly in the passenger seat.
"Sure, just give me a second, I have to get.. redressed," I say, looking at my attire.
"Hurry up, sis," she says, then hangs up.
I laugh to myself before tossing my phone and following orders. Something about Olivia was always so fun and sweet. I know that she and Jack are living their best lives in New York together, but I sometimes wish they were back here again. I'm gonna hate it when they leave next week.
They didn't take long at all, which was great since my dad was about to wake up. I shuffled out fast, and we all headed to Jack and Lily's house.
When we arrived, the house seemed to be empty but Jack had set up the living room for company. I made myself comfortable, as per usual, and watched as Olivia and Jack did also.
"Did you guys have fun at the cabin?" Jack said, fidgeting with a tiny hacky sack he had on hand.
"It was interesting, to say the least," Olivia says, snickering a little.
I shrug. "Yeah, sure," I say, giving a half smile.
Jack looks at us for a moment before laughing quietly, "Okay, what do you two know, that I don't?"
Olivia looks at me, "Ask Stella." she says, teasing.
"Fine. I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Beck was there and we did stuff. I did stuff." I say, nonchalantly.
"That's not what happened, but in a nutshell." Olivia says, looking at Jack, "But don't say, anything dude, It's only gonna start drama." she added.
"It sounds like the drama started the minute she went in the bathroom." he laughs.
I slap his arm, "I was drunk, it doesn't count." I say, slightly gasping and pointing, assertively.
"If that doesn't count, I wonder how many times I couldn't count," Olivia says, also laughing.
"Guys, for real. I need advice. I can't look at him normal now and he's with her." I say, groaning as I throw my head back.
"Look, Beck and Penny /aren't together, Stella. Just chill out and see what happens." Jack says, shrugging as he slouches into his seat. "I'm betting he's gonna ruin it any second now."
I sit back also, letting the conversation resonate with me.
"Why do you like him in the first place, Stella?" Olivia says.
"I don't know. He's good-looking. We just had some moments in the past that made me notice some things. Like how he notices me whenever I always forget how I feel about him." I say, quietly.
"So? That's attractive to you?" Olivia says, waiting for the punchline, clearly.
I sigh, "He's funny. A great listener and he doesn't live in the stupid ass reality that we do. It's honestly relieving." I respond.
"Fair, but you wouldn't feel that way if you got to know him on that level, Stella. He has problems." Jack says, looking at me.
"Yeah. Who doesn't, Jack?" I exclaim, calmly.
The room grew silent for a moment.
Suddenly, the front door opened, revealing a perky Danielle. "What's up? I just saw Craig waiting for Lily at school again. That's three times this week, and Jack you owe me ten bucks." she says, plopping down on the large couch, on the other side of us.
Jack and Olivia laugh, talking to Danielle, leaving me stuck with my thoughts again. I don't want to be stuck in this situation or Beck. He doesn't even know how I feel.
"Craig and Beck are actually here, so mellow out, guys," Jack says, reading a message on his phone.
Shortly after that statement, both Craig and Beck entered the house, closing the door behind them as they join the group.
I couldn't even concentrate, thinking about the previous conversation. I just know that everyone wants to have a party for Penelope now. Something about her birthday. Another thing I'm not interested in. I'll probably end up going for the sake of a party, and to get away from my dad. I just can't see myself enjoying any of it. Genuinely, at least.
I stayed at Jack's for a little, after the long lecture about the party. Everyone decided to hang out and smoke afterward. I decided I was gonna try and head home before the rain starts again, and to make sure I catch the quickest Metro. Usually, I would stay for a minute, but it just didn't feel right.
I gathered my things in my over-the-shoulder tote bag, in the living room, as everyone had migrated to the dining room, earlier. Once I got my shoes on, I started to get my jacket on right after.
I felt another presence in the room, which made me turn around, as I put my bag over my shoulder. Beck had come in the grab something from his bag.
"You're leaving so soon?" he says as I headed to the door.
"Yeah. My welcome feels overstayed." I say, opening the door, and letting out a breath as I speak.
"Well wait, do you want a ride or something? The weather isn't exactly great right now." he continues.
I turn around, sighing again, giving a fake smile, and immediately responding, "Why? You want another favor or something?"
He let out a deep breath and walked up to me, close and personal. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm not entirely sure what you want me to say. I like Penny. I don't think you and I should be together though." he grabbed my arms, continuing, "I care about you, Stella. We're friends, and I think we should just, put it behind us. We were both drunk."
I avoid eye contact, looking down. "Thanks," I say, gently pulling my arms away from him. "I'm just trying to save myself from the embarrassment," I mumble, adjusting my bag.
"Please accept my apology. I shouldn't have let you do that, but I also have just been a jerk. I think I just let this whole thing get to my head." he said, finally finishing.
I glance at him and cross my arms, "Okay."
"I'll drive you home," he said, softly, grabbing his keys.
Before I knew it, I found myself in his car, on the way home. Unsure if I accepted because of the weather, or just because he was giving me the time of day, after our endeavors. Regardless, it was an excuse to be alone with him.
"I hope this doesn't change anything with us. I know we were kind of just starting to get close before Penny showed up," he says, as we drive.
"It's whatever. It honestly wouldn't be the first time I've been treated that way. I'm no prize, Beck." I say, staring out the window.
"Why do you do that?" he says, creating an eerie feeling within the car.
I look at him. "Do what?"
"Doubt yourself. Put yourself down?" he glances at me before looking at the road again. "I know it's not true, you know? What people say about you," he says.
I look away again. "Why though, Beck? I literally gave you head, unannounced and you were fine with it."
"Because you treat every man like they're gonna steal something from you, or worse." he lets out a small laugh.
I couldn't help but feel a smile creep up on my face.
"See? I'm funny, that always makes you smile," he says, smiling.
"So what, you win," I say, finally relaxing.
"No, I just wish you would be more vulnerable with me, or someone else. Dani is like the only person you let in. You're one of the most attractive, coolest, confident girls at Ashland, and you don't even know it." he says, tightening up his tone.
I feel my face heat up. If he feels that way then why is he choosing her?
"What about Penelope? Don't you like her for those reasons?" I say, turning my body to him now.
"I recall already talking about this topic. Last time didn't end nicely." he chuckled.
I smile a bit, "Well I think it was super sweet of you to set up the whole birthday party thing at Craig's for her. She doesn't know how lucky she is." I say, softening my tone.
I peeped out the corner of my eye, the comment made him crack a smile.
"So how's school so far for you? I noticed you're hardly been in class recently. You've been leaving early or skipping. Where do you go?" he asked, bluntly.
This took me by surprise. "Um... I guess just hanging out. I met some people on the squad that are kinda fun. It beats sitting in class all day.." I say, still a little quiet.
"Okay, and? You met some cool people. You already /know cool people. You're gonna get kicked off the squad like that, Stella.." he says, less assertive this time.
"I know. School is just not easy for me, okay?" I say, feeling a little fed up.
"Why don't you ask for help? You know I tutor, I could help you?" he says.
"That's nice, but I don't think your girlfriend would mind very much," I say, seemingly annoyed.
He sighs, "I'll talk to her. But I don't wanna see you fail and not get to be a senior next year. Even if I won't be around."
I glance at him before looking around to see that we've arrived at my house. I grab my bag before going to open the door. "I'll let you know. Thanks." I say, half smiling at him before getting out and hurrying inside.
As I let myself in the house, my dad sat at the dining room table. This time, restocked and poured up again.
I softly close the door and begin to walk past him, in hopes of him just ignoring me.
"Where were you," he stated, obviously angry. He doesn't turn around, though.
I stop in my tracks, closing my eyes for a moment, "I went out to a friend's." I say, slowly turning around before thinking of excuses. "Dani's," I add.
"That's not what it looked like in the window," he says, a matter of factly. I struggle to think of a response.
Before I could, he got up, rushing over to me, and making me stumble back. He grabs my forearm, gripping it till I could feel my pulse, making me wince.
"You're always lying!" he hollered, invading my space. "Just like your mother! I bet you fucked him. Little bimbo." he snaps, tossing me into the hallway.
I fall to the wooden floor, hitting it like a ton of bricks. He walks to the kitchen area, as the dining room was combined with it, and he began to get a cigarette ready.
I hurried to pick myself up from the floor, practically throwing myself into my bedroom, and locking the door behind me.
I quickly fell to the floor again, sitting against the door as I felt my face heat up like a summer day. I cover my mouth, feeling myself become emotional.
I didn't let the moment last before rushing to clean myself up my new wound, as my father bellowed outside my door about his hatred for me.
These are the things that remind me of why I can't open up to anyone. Nobody would look at me the same.
After having gone through yet another evening routine, I couldn't help but stare at my arm. It stung like never before. Probably the worst in a long time.
I'm honestly not sure how much longer I'm interested in feeling so empty. I don't even think talking about it will help at this point.
Reaching over to my nightstand, I open the drawer to shuffle through. Clearing some things out, I find what I want. Lighters. I pick one, not specifically, and shut the drawer.
Adjusting myself on my bed, I flick the lighter a couple of times. The room grows eerie, making me sink deeper into the moment as I lift a sleeve, peeking at some old burns.
I shouldn't, but the temptation is unreal.