"This inhuman place makes human monsters"
-Stephen King
*Abusive content*
I felt something warm against my face, and my hands traveled to the warmth feeling something hard and rough against my palms . I opened my eyes to see Cian already up and intently staring at me. His gaze was burning holes into me in the most adoring way possible. He looked the king he is while he has been in bed this whole time.
My eyes slowly traveled down to his chest where my hands rested, I hissed and retracted my hands with the sudden realization that I've been cuddling Cian shamelessly and touching his chest.
I couldn't help but notice the deep scars on his chest. I would think that those scars would make him feel uncomfortable to be stared at, but he just continued gazing at me without wondering why I was burning holes into his chest
"Good morning, love"
My cheeks started turning red as I felt the hotness raise to my ears. My voice came out as a whisper
"Good morning, Cian"
His face had melted into a soft smile on his lips and happiness in his eyes "It is indeed a magnificent morning waking up next to my one and only"
My eyes widened at his statement, I wasn't exactly shy with others, but I had no idea why my whole demeanor changed with him present. He always made me feel like distancing myself because I wasn't sure why I felt these overwhelming emotions. This man made me feel like opening the Mother Earth and throwing myself in it as the hole closes behind me. He made me feel things that I wasn't sure of.
I couldn't answer to what he said, so I gave him a smile which I wasn't sure came out as a smile but more like a stupid excuse of embarrassment.
Making my way out of bed and keeping my head down because I didn't want him to stare at me anymore. I knew that if he didn't find me beautiful at my worst, he wouldn't deserve my best. But I didn't want to be seen in my worst, I felt too exposed.
I hurried into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I had subconsciously locked the door. It was stuck with me since childhood.
When I was a child, for more than 18 years, I wasn't allowed to close the door even when I was changing. I had encountered many weird and uncomfortable situations in my life. My mother not giving me the privacy I needed, my father would walk right into my room while I'd change. Sure he would go back out because once I was older I knew that is something wrong, but when I was 10 and around that age, he would get into my room when we were alone to "help me" zip my jeans. Now I know it might've just been exactly that, but I had no problems zipping it myself. Not to also mention he had watched porn in my room while I would go to get him a cup of water.
I need to take my pills.
I haven't been taking them properly since I've moved in and it has been affecting me badly.
I was on Anti depressants, ADHD pills and OCD pills. They were all very strong on me. But they had helped with controlling my impulsive thoughts and helped me focus.
And now I had completely forgotten about them.
Unwillingly, I had slid down against the bathroom walls and onto the floor. I couldn't think straight anymore as I remembered everything I had been through.
My clothes had been drenched in the shower. I realized I had turned on the water to muffle my voice and my thoughts.
How could my mom still be attached to the bastard. He was disgusting. He was a cheater, a manipulative husband and father, an abuser.
He never did anything fatherly without the occasional money which was rare. I had begged him to stop forcing me into things I didn't want, to stop being so manipulative, but nothing worked. So I did.
I stopped it all and no one could stop me from my actions. Ever since I've killed him I've felt more free.
I don't think Cian would ever understand any of it.
Not to mention that my mom keeps bringing up that it's all my fault, that the end of the day he is blood and I'm their daughter, that I shouldn't have threw him out of our lives.
And that she would have aborted me when she had the chance to.
The first time he found out I had self harmed, he had called me a whore, a slut that was wrong for doing so. When I had clearly said it's all because of them.
They didn't stop,
So I stopped them.
I'm breaking again.
My knees had been pulled to my chest as I held my head in my palms, I kept hearing screams and I had no idea where it came from. I heard banging in the distance as my eyes burned with water trickling down.
I saw Cian the first thing as the door opened.
Why is he here,
He shouldn't see me like this,
I clenched my teeth as I heard grinding from them,
The screams have started getting louder in my ears
It was me,
I was the one screaming,
Why was I screaming,
Without realizing that I hadn't been breathing this whole time, my vision had turned dark and I had been reaching out to Cian for help.
But the closer he got, the worse my condition got.
I felt pain going through my forehead as the wall kept getting closer and further from me.
I was banging my head against the wall.
I didn't mean to.
I don't know what's going on.
I felt strong arms wrapping around me,
Cian was cradling me close to his body, his lips were moving but I didn't hear anything coming out of them
My lips moved on their own, I didn't know what I had said, but I saw Cian's eyes
There was panic, hurt and devestation in them. His eyes were too beautiful to be tainted with those emotions, his hands turned towards the faucet and cold water had suddenly hit my body
I was suddenly brought back to the present.
I hard started breathing again as my head dropped on Cian's shoulder.
He held me tightly without question as he sat in front of the cold water that he gradually turned less cold and more warm with me directly under it, without realizing, I leaned towards him and my eyes started fluttering shut
"Relax little mate, We are right here, no one will hurt you, we will protect you"
"I promise"